Diary of a Mad Cow, Part X: "The Adventures of Sober Cow"
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,410
Hi Everyone;
I wanted to get rolling with making some life rules conscious and maybe get some feedback / suggestions if y'all don't mind.
Some of my most telling "rules to live by" surround conflict in relationships.
I grew up with plenty of yelling, things being smashed, big escalations and tantrums from alcoholic mother which often were not fair and blaming.
So one rule I have is 1) the need to "justify" my anger and debate it out to the nth degree to prove it is legitimate.
Another rule I have is 2)I also hate raised voices and disagreement even if justified. I try to "talk things out" most of the time on the other hand, when I do get mad I'm a ruthless berserker.
Rule 3) relates to this in that I feel if people push me over the line they have "earned" the blow-up since they wouldn't listen to reason, from my point of view, although I will put down the weapons if someone waves a white flag most of time.
Often I am very fair in conflicts to the point of too fair. Another "rule" 4) is to put myself in someone else' shoes even to my own detriment when angry at someone. My shrink once commented on how she had never heard someone spend so much time seeing "the other side" of the conflict when meeting one-on-one with their therapist.
Finally "rule" 5) for me is that disagreements must be patched up pretty quick--no days of torture and silent treatment. Again, this one is a result of receiving days of anger and silent treatment and that being used as yet another excuse to drink by my mother.
All of these things came from my childhood and I've brought the emotional response forward pretty much intact from my childhood trauma.
Do these serve me as an adult? Not always. The fairness thing is good but I really think overall I'm still awfully controlling in disagreements. They make me uncomfortable and nervous, but people in my life should be able to disagree without dealing with that I think.
Cow, has your therapist got any suggestions for how to change rules or revise them?
I wanted to get rolling with making some life rules conscious and maybe get some feedback / suggestions if y'all don't mind.
Some of my most telling "rules to live by" surround conflict in relationships.
I grew up with plenty of yelling, things being smashed, big escalations and tantrums from alcoholic mother which often were not fair and blaming.
So one rule I have is 1) the need to "justify" my anger and debate it out to the nth degree to prove it is legitimate.
Another rule I have is 2)I also hate raised voices and disagreement even if justified. I try to "talk things out" most of the time on the other hand, when I do get mad I'm a ruthless berserker.
Rule 3) relates to this in that I feel if people push me over the line they have "earned" the blow-up since they wouldn't listen to reason, from my point of view, although I will put down the weapons if someone waves a white flag most of time.
Often I am very fair in conflicts to the point of too fair. Another "rule" 4) is to put myself in someone else' shoes even to my own detriment when angry at someone. My shrink once commented on how she had never heard someone spend so much time seeing "the other side" of the conflict when meeting one-on-one with their therapist.
Finally "rule" 5) for me is that disagreements must be patched up pretty quick--no days of torture and silent treatment. Again, this one is a result of receiving days of anger and silent treatment and that being used as yet another excuse to drink by my mother.
All of these things came from my childhood and I've brought the emotional response forward pretty much intact from my childhood trauma.
Do these serve me as an adult? Not always. The fairness thing is good but I really think overall I'm still awfully controlling in disagreements. They make me uncomfortable and nervous, but people in my life should be able to disagree without dealing with that I think.
Cow, has your therapist got any suggestions for how to change rules or revise them?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Guinea Pig, can you bring the salad? Soup's on, I hear.
Actually, I did start a pot of soup this afternoon. So far, it's chicken broth with pinto beans, black eyes and some white ones. garlic and chopped onions. I have some carrots, celery and potatoes to toss in later. And tomatoes.
Strange times we live in.
Good news to start my new year. I have seven years sober, four years smoke free. This is a treasure.
Love from Lenina
Actually, I did start a pot of soup this afternoon. So far, it's chicken broth with pinto beans, black eyes and some white ones. garlic and chopped onions. I have some carrots, celery and potatoes to toss in later. And tomatoes.
Strange times we live in.
Good news to start my new year. I have seven years sober, four years smoke free. This is a treasure.
Love from Lenina
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,410
Congratulations on your seven and four Lenina;
You are more than sober--I'd say you are pretty darn well recovered and have
shaken off the corpse-dust of a crappy childhood better than most of us.
You also sound like a great cook who likes to eat, which is worth a lot in
my book--I'm a fine trencherwoman in my own right as well.
Wish we could have a potluck at your place.
We'd need trach as a guest for sure--either as main chef or main course. . . (evil laugh with wink)
You are more than sober--I'd say you are pretty darn well recovered and have
shaken off the corpse-dust of a crappy childhood better than most of us.
You also sound like a great cook who likes to eat, which is worth a lot in
my book--I'm a fine trencherwoman in my own right as well.
Wish we could have a potluck at your place.
We'd need trach as a guest for sure--either as main chef or main course. . . (evil laugh with wink)
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Hawk, you rules contradict and is confusing, so I can see would make difficult your relationships. Therapist and I only at point where we identifying whatever rules I already operating under, then I sure her plan is to unravel ones that not work for me and start to construct (from scratch out of nothing!) healthy directives to guide my living. I pretty skeptical, cuz thing like value and directives if not already inherent within me, I not see how we make them inherent within me. But not impossible I guess. One thing is, it not can be like play acting. Or military, like, okay, my policies gonna be A, B, and C! Already do too much faking it every day. Somehow I has to create motivations I really FEEL.
Hi Guinea Pig, very nice to see you! You still on you wagon?
Hi Guinea Pig, very nice to see you! You still on you wagon?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, Cow & all,
I've been sorta stalking, er, following these threads for a while but kinda was waiting for a place to jump in. Hawkeye's rules I found interesting, because I have similar "rules" around conflict. Although I argue for a living (lawyer, no rock-throwing, please), and although I LOVED to argue things to DEATH as a kid (my dad told me when I was five that I should be a lawyer just so I'd get paid for it), as an adult I HATE conflict/confrontations with others.
In a professional setting, not a problem. I'm very good at what I do, quite a successful advocate. Intimidating lawyers or judges I can handle without difficulty. But conflict with peers, bosses, co-workers, friends, even family at this point, just makes me want to do whatever I need to, to smooth it over.
The odd thing is that my family was very non-confrontational. I mean, we had the usual parent-child arguments, my brother and I could fight like cats and dogs, but it was generally over trivial stuff, no huge fights with doors slamming, stuff thrown, verbal abuse, door-slamming, etc. No longstanding grudges, even in the extended family.
And even my relationships with my alcoholic partners weren't particularly fraught with anger/fighting (relative to how many such relationships go). So I'm not quite sure where it comes from--this aversion to/fear of conflict and confrontation. I do think I learned along the line to be a people-pleaser, so maybe that's all it is.
On the one hand, I'm pretty flexible and easy to be around. On the other, though, I swallow a lot of stuff that probably should be resolved.
I've been sorta stalking, er, following these threads for a while but kinda was waiting for a place to jump in. Hawkeye's rules I found interesting, because I have similar "rules" around conflict. Although I argue for a living (lawyer, no rock-throwing, please), and although I LOVED to argue things to DEATH as a kid (my dad told me when I was five that I should be a lawyer just so I'd get paid for it), as an adult I HATE conflict/confrontations with others.
In a professional setting, not a problem. I'm very good at what I do, quite a successful advocate. Intimidating lawyers or judges I can handle without difficulty. But conflict with peers, bosses, co-workers, friends, even family at this point, just makes me want to do whatever I need to, to smooth it over.
The odd thing is that my family was very non-confrontational. I mean, we had the usual parent-child arguments, my brother and I could fight like cats and dogs, but it was generally over trivial stuff, no huge fights with doors slamming, stuff thrown, verbal abuse, door-slamming, etc. No longstanding grudges, even in the extended family.
And even my relationships with my alcoholic partners weren't particularly fraught with anger/fighting (relative to how many such relationships go). So I'm not quite sure where it comes from--this aversion to/fear of conflict and confrontation. I do think I learned along the line to be a people-pleaser, so maybe that's all it is.
On the one hand, I'm pretty flexible and easy to be around. On the other, though, I swallow a lot of stuff that probably should be resolved.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Cow,
"construct healthy directives to guide my living" sounds suspiciously like adopting a set of principles to practice/live by.
which is exactly what i've decided to do.
i do not think i need to FEEL them, or that i'm play-acting if i don't FEEL them, but that i've looked at the principles and given my agreement that living by them would likely give me a "better" life.
the idea is, i think, that you will apply principles you have previously decided on/assented to instead of acting on the best idea of the moment at any given moment.
the best idea of the moment hasn't always worked out so well for those of us finding ourselves on a forum like this
"construct healthy directives to guide my living" sounds suspiciously like adopting a set of principles to practice/live by.
which is exactly what i've decided to do.
i do not think i need to FEEL them, or that i'm play-acting if i don't FEEL them, but that i've looked at the principles and given my agreement that living by them would likely give me a "better" life.
the idea is, i think, that you will apply principles you have previously decided on/assented to instead of acting on the best idea of the moment at any given moment.
the best idea of the moment hasn't always worked out so well for those of us finding ourselves on a forum like this
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
hawkeye,
I am Proof that folks can get and stay sober!
I feel pretty stable most of the time. Today I can rise to the occasion when it gets dicey. I like what you had to say about the dust from childhood trauma/drama. I still have what I call Vampire Breakouts. Stuff that I think I have thoroughly and totally dealt with from back in the day will suddenly Rise Up and suck the life out of me all over again. Gak. Where do I get that Silver Stake?
And I would be happy to share a trencher with you any day! I don't get to cook much, I don't have a very good kitchen. I am a very good eater.
((((turtle))). Can I get some crotons? I like that! Chef to the Cannibals! It must be said in a full-on Tessessee Williams accent, please.
Love from Lenina
I am Proof that folks can get and stay sober!
I feel pretty stable most of the time. Today I can rise to the occasion when it gets dicey. I like what you had to say about the dust from childhood trauma/drama. I still have what I call Vampire Breakouts. Stuff that I think I have thoroughly and totally dealt with from back in the day will suddenly Rise Up and suck the life out of me all over again. Gak. Where do I get that Silver Stake?
And I would be happy to share a trencher with you any day! I don't get to cook much, I don't have a very good kitchen. I am a very good eater.
((((turtle))). Can I get some crotons? I like that! Chef to the Cannibals! It must be said in a full-on Tessessee Williams accent, please.
Love from Lenina
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,785
Cow, it sounds like an interesting exercise that your therapist is having you do. I don't think she's wanting you to make up rules. I think she wants to identify rules that you live by so you can identify what is working and what is not working for you. If you are feeling like you're faking through things, that's not a rule you can live by. Maybe you can identify rules you are living by that aren't working for you as well, unless your therapist advised against that.
In the meantime, it's given me something to think about in terms of my own life too.
Trach-your idea has already been scooped (sort of).
In the meantime, it's given me something to think about in terms of my own life too.
Trach-your idea has already been scooped (sort of).
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,410
Have you done any gumbo with turkey trach?
One of my favorites is smoked sausage and turkey "base"
Make a really dark chocolate brown rue with the usual veggies and finish off with grilled shrimp on top.
What's your favorite gumbo?
One of my favorites is smoked sausage and turkey "base"
Make a really dark chocolate brown rue with the usual veggies and finish off with grilled shrimp on top.
What's your favorite gumbo?
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
I've got turkey bones in the freezer for stock.
The restaurant across the street makes a good dark seafood gumbo. My favorite is the quick white chicken gumbo I learned from my last wife's cajun grandmother. Just chicken stock, canned chicken and frozen gumbo veg. Served with rice. It's ready in an hour.
The restaurant across the street makes a good dark seafood gumbo. My favorite is the quick white chicken gumbo I learned from my last wife's cajun grandmother. Just chicken stock, canned chicken and frozen gumbo veg. Served with rice. It's ready in an hour.
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