Again???
"Why So Serious?"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Framingham, MA
Posts: 522
Again???
I'm a mess. I think the last time I was on this site was 2012. It hasn't been a cake walk since then but it hasn't been pretty either. I'm planning to go into detox/rehab (AGAIN) tomorrow. I can't keep track anymore. Detox... maybe 35-40 times. Rehab... maybe a couple dozen. My birthday is in 9 days. I'll be 34. I've made a mess out of my life. I have (probably HAD) a job that promoted me to the moon in only 3 months and I'm sure that's long gone. I don't want to start a huge thread on this but a few messages would be nice. Wow... I can't believe that's what I've resorted to... begging for a few kinds words. This is my life...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
My life was a mess when I stopped drinking in my mid thirties, too.
You can fix everything. First things first, though.
We are here! Get thee to detox. Start moving in the direction of health and sanity.
Do the next right thing and then the next.
You are going to be okay! I'd say just be open, honest and willing to take the help that people are going to offer you this time. You cannot change your past but you can go into your future not adding any more misery, right? People are going to be willing to forgive you when you are sober. I hope you will forgive yourself.
You can fix everything. First things first, though.
We are here! Get thee to detox. Start moving in the direction of health and sanity.
Do the next right thing and then the next.
You are going to be okay! I'd say just be open, honest and willing to take the help that people are going to offer you this time. You cannot change your past but you can go into your future not adding any more misery, right? People are going to be willing to forgive you when you are sober. I hope you will forgive yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
Hi JJay.
It doesn't matter that you are going to detox/rehab AGAIN; what matters is that you are going.
This can be your last time, JJay. Give it your ALL.
What happens after rehab is just as important as what happens in rehab. Use the time in rehab to formulate a rock solid plan for the hours, days, weeks. . . following rehab.
Nice to meet you, JJay.
Keep in mind that SR is 24/7/365. There is always someone here who cares and truly wants to see you succeed.
It doesn't matter that you are going to detox/rehab AGAIN; what matters is that you are going.
This can be your last time, JJay. Give it your ALL.
What happens after rehab is just as important as what happens in rehab. Use the time in rehab to formulate a rock solid plan for the hours, days, weeks. . . following rehab.
Nice to meet you, JJay.
Keep in mind that SR is 24/7/365. There is always someone here who cares and truly wants to see you succeed.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome back JJ. Glad you are trying again. I made many attempts that failed too, but I kept trying until it eventually stuck. For me the piece that was missing was acceptance. Accepting that I am an alcoholic and that I cannot ever drink, even just one. Accepting that I will never be able to moderate. I hope you can find a way to achieve that peace too.
"Why So Serious?"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Framingham, MA
Posts: 522
The thing that always bothers me is this: I've done it all. Literally. Outpatient, inpatient, sober living, sober houses, counseling, AA, medication. And I haven't done it once or twice: I've done them more times than I can count. I've lost more than I can list. I've put my family through hell. I wish I knew WHY. I know that "why" is because I'm an alcoholic but I've had good terms of sobriety that were broken for no reason. Or broken for: sadness, happiness, loneliness, depression, anxiety, anger, joy, etc. It's any and everything. So now I'm about to spend my 2nd Christmas in rehab and my first birthday.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by JJay 
I know that "why" is because I'm an alcoholic but I've had good terms of sobriety that were broken for no reason. Or broken for: sadness, happiness, loneliness, depression, anxiety, anger, joy, etc. It's any and everything.
The key is finding a way deal with all of those emotions without choosing to drink. Have you been active in AA and called others when you felt these urges? Detox and rehab are just the start....you have the responsibility to follow through each and every day after they are done.
"Why So Serious?"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Framingham, MA
Posts: 522
I know I'm going to regret posting this as I'm writing it but here goes: AA is not for me. I've tried EVERYTHING about AA. 90 in 90. Got a sponsor. Did everything he said. (Actually I've had a half dozen sponsors or so). Read the Big Book. Did the 12 Steps. It didn't work for me. Not only that, but my last sponsor (the last straw) betrayed my trust and repeated things I told him IN PERSON in a face-to-face conversation on Facebook. Yes, I know, not everyone is like that. But this is just my experience. Now, I know everyone will tell me I'm stupid and to give AA another try...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
JJay, many of us have been in very dark places. This is not said to discount or minimize your struggle or anguish.
You CAN break the cycle of addiction and all of the despair, isolation, hopelessness, self-loathing and soullessness that accompanies it.
As Scott said, accepting (once and for all, completely, unshakably, never-to-go-back) that you cannot ever again drink or moderate is key.
Take everything rehab has to offer, bundle it up and bring it home with you, and find and utilize to the fullest all the after-care and support you can.
Don't forget SR is and will be here for you.
You CAN break the cycle of addiction and all of the despair, isolation, hopelessness, self-loathing and soullessness that accompanies it.
As Scott said, accepting (once and for all, completely, unshakably, never-to-go-back) that you cannot ever again drink or moderate is key.
Take everything rehab has to offer, bundle it up and bring it home with you, and find and utilize to the fullest all the after-care and support you can.
Don't forget SR is and will be here for you.
"Why So Serious?"
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Framingham, MA
Posts: 522
I don't dispute that I can never, ever safely drink ever again. I KNOW I can never drink again. I just hate this cycle that I'm in. And I truly and honestly appreciate everyone's opinion but I, personally, have not had a good experience with AA. I'm looking into SMART recovery but that is only once a week in my area.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 1,372
Jjay - You were in my Nov 2012 class. There are still a few of us around here. I'm glad you're back and reaching out. I know how hard it is. Rehab is a good place to start. Take it one step at a time and start building those sober days again.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by JJay
Now, I know everyone will tell me I'm stupid and to give AA another try...
You do seem to know and have a pretty lengthy list of things that will NOT work though. I did too, and I blamed all of them, as well as a lot of people involved with them, for my continued drinking - even when I knew is couldn't/shouldn't be drinking.
The truth though is that no one is "destined" to drink forever. There is a way for you to get sober, and you have not "tried everything". There is always something more to try, or try things you have tried in the past but redouble your efforts.
SR is a place where you will hear some things you do not want to hear. But they are all well intended and come from people who have beat exactly what you are trying to beat. What you will NOT find is anyone to agree that you are simply un-helpable or a pass to keep drinking...that's not what we do here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well, the program of AA and the people who go are two different things.
I agree with you that AA is not for everyone. I went for four months. I got a lot out of it, but I was not willing to share my innermost issues with a room full of people who were as damaged as I was AND trust them to keep my confidence. I no longer go to meetings, but I did get a lot of tools from the literature that are still helpful to me. The sponsor who betrayed your trust was wrong. I'm sorry that happened to you.
Most rehabs are going to be 12 Step based, so I think you would do better with another approach if you are done with 12 Steps. Have you looked into AVRT? I mean, in the end it is just a one-time decision that cannot be altered - and that's the premise of AVRT. If you feel you need people - face-to-face, then you have to accept that things are rarely held in confidence between human beings. You have to be discreet in how much you share and with whom.
I think you would maybe benefit from therapy. I believe therapists are sworn to confidentiality.
Every man is his own prophet, every prophet just a man, Jay.
Keep seeking. There is healing for everyone.
I agree with you that AA is not for everyone. I went for four months. I got a lot out of it, but I was not willing to share my innermost issues with a room full of people who were as damaged as I was AND trust them to keep my confidence. I no longer go to meetings, but I did get a lot of tools from the literature that are still helpful to me. The sponsor who betrayed your trust was wrong. I'm sorry that happened to you.
Most rehabs are going to be 12 Step based, so I think you would do better with another approach if you are done with 12 Steps. Have you looked into AVRT? I mean, in the end it is just a one-time decision that cannot be altered - and that's the premise of AVRT. If you feel you need people - face-to-face, then you have to accept that things are rarely held in confidence between human beings. You have to be discreet in how much you share and with whom.
I think you would maybe benefit from therapy. I believe therapists are sworn to confidentiality.
Every man is his own prophet, every prophet just a man, Jay.
Keep seeking. There is healing for everyone.
Recognizes the Beast
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: In the kitchen, cooking up a storm
Posts: 704
Hey JJay, another Novie/12 here. Remember you well.
All I can do is relate my experience, and hopefully you can take some meaning from that. I was 36 then, so two years older than you, when I got sober. In that time my life has changed a great deal, not all of it good, but mostly. Regardless, I'm able to deal with my everything life throws at me, now. In short, my life is manageable.
I guess all I'm saying is, it's never too late, and if I can do it you can as well. I often get asked how I got sober. I didn't use AA either, or rational recovery, or any other program really. I checked in here daily, read a lot, listened even more and eventually did some therapy.
But more than anything else, I got honest, about where I was in life, how drinking was affecting it, how much it was hurting myself and everyone around me. And then I decided to get sober one day at a time, never more than that.
All I can do is relate my experience, and hopefully you can take some meaning from that. I was 36 then, so two years older than you, when I got sober. In that time my life has changed a great deal, not all of it good, but mostly. Regardless, I'm able to deal with my everything life throws at me, now. In short, my life is manageable.
I guess all I'm saying is, it's never too late, and if I can do it you can as well. I often get asked how I got sober. I didn't use AA either, or rational recovery, or any other program really. I checked in here daily, read a lot, listened even more and eventually did some therapy.
But more than anything else, I got honest, about where I was in life, how drinking was affecting it, how much it was hurting myself and everyone around me. And then I decided to get sober one day at a time, never more than that.
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