Bella01

Debated putting this thread in the friends and family section... But I really would like opinions from people who suffer with alcohol addiction themselves...

Firstly, I'm not an alcoholic so I apologize in advance if anything I say comes across ignorant or stupid. I've been trying really hard to understand but it's difficult.

Facts:

I'm 20 years old, he's 31

I'm 33 weeks pregnant

He's had issues with both alcohol and drug abuse from a very young age

Back story:

Basically, we haven't been together all that long, (definitely a whirlwind kinda thing) which resulted in me getting pregnant.
We were both extremely happy about it, surprisingly, but my happiness was pretty short lived. I want this baby more than anything, don't get me wrong. But I didn't realize the extent of his issues. Of course I knew he was a 'partier' etc. But I was pretty naiive to it all as I've never really been a part of that scene.
My first 3 months were the worst of my life.
Where we were living at the time played a huge part in that. We lived with a lot of other people in a huge house share and there was always someone having a party or at least willing to drink.
I would be left crying and alone every night while he was out drinking with them. I could have joined and sat with them... But it is so not fun to be the only sober one surrounded by drunks. It also makes it much clearer that you are not a priority or even noticed much, which hurt. I was also pretty uncomfortable because I didn't know them well where as he had been living there previously for about three years and was very much the 'go to guy' for a good time.
The entire atmosphere in the house changed towards me when I got pregnant. They didn't like it, knowing that things would change and he would be moving on. So it became quite hostile. And he would always take their side because if we argued, they were more fun.
At this time he was drinking heavily every day.

We've come quite far since then. We have moved out into our own place, I have full control of both our finances and he got himself a sort of social worker who put him on a sobriety type course.

This was a step in the right direction as before he never would have agreed to it.

The course has long since finishd and while his drinking has dramatically improved... He still hasn't gone a week without getting completely off his face at some point. We came to a new agreement recently that he would only drink when he was out for like a meal or work thing etc (and boy does he come back ******...) But that lasted two days as he continued drinking last night at home when it were just the two of us.

He attened an AA meeting once but said it was ok just full of religious stuff and accepting God and he couldn't take it seriously.

I don't know what to do anymore

When he is on form, I know he would make the best father in the world. My daughter would never go without. And of course, he says it will all be different when she's here. Which I have hung onto, so hard.

But if he can't keep his word for even two days... How can I believe that anymore. I want this family to work so bad and I've already put myself through so much hurt I don't want to give up on him. But I do want what's best for my daughter and having an alcoholic as a father isn't. I've had friends who's mum or dad has been an alcoholic and a few years ago watched one attend a funeral for his father.

I should add that he is adamant he will never quit completely. But he wants to be able to drink in moderation. Is this a possibility? Cause I've seen no evidence so far.

He is also not abusive in any way... Sure he says dickish stuff sometimes but that's it. Other than that he's just completely useless when drunk. Not my boyfriend.

Does this story sound familiar to anyone? Is there any advice or opinion? Was the baby enough... These damn hormones just make me want to cry about it all the time and sometimes I feel like I can't make a level headed decision because of it.

Less than two months till she's here and I'm panicking...

Dee74

I really encourage you to get the F and F side to this too Bella.

There's really no spokesmen or women for alcoholics

My advice is to think about what would be a breaking point for you in this relationship and stick to that point.

Your partner has no plans to stop drinking - he admits it.

You know what your child deserves - if the father to be is coming up short, you have some thinking to do.

I'm sorry for the situation - it's a tough one- but I know you'll find support here
welcome
D

Bella01

I think I will, just wondered if there would be a big difference on opinion, coming from two different sides!

And thank you, I hope so!

mfanch

I say this as a woman and an alcoholic...

Think long and hard about if you want your baby around an active alcoholic. If they continue to drink, it only gets worse, never better. I would check out the stickies on the F+F side.

Glad you are here.

Picknmix

Leave him. Durr

Music

This is the big lie. "He says" is the deal breaker. He's keeping you on a leash with this statement. His excuse about AA is bogus! Take your baby and run like hell. You are a MOTHER now. Your responsibility is to care for that baby NOW.

Ruby2

Hi and welcome. I'm an alcoholic and so is my husband. Like you we had a whirlwind relationship and I found myself pregnant. At the time I got pregnant we were both sober but that didn't last as he started drinking again and staying out all night long. I have not forgotten the nights I couldn't sleep, pacing the floors and looking out of the window to see if that car door slamming was his arrival home. It never was.

This went on for another eight years, off and on. I never knew if today was the day he would relapse. Or if was drinking, whether he would ever get sober. And his drinking and drugging got worse. You could stay with this guy but honestly, if I knew ten years ago what I had to look forward to over that time, I might probably have kicked him out for good. But I didn't and we have two children now. My husband is currently sober as am I but still, it's been a really long and very, very painful struggle. You don't have a lot of time invested in this relationship. You do want what's best for your daughter and that is a father who is present in her life. But you may not get that from her father.

Please visit the family and friends forum on SR. I actually joined SR because of that forum but have been sticking to the alcoholism threads to work on me. Because my children deserve the best mother I can be and that's sober. The people on the family and friend a thread are wonderful. You will find a lot of information and support. Be well, and congratulations on your baby.

flutter

That right there is the truth. I'd add "active" to alcoholic, though.

You may also want to visit the Adult Children of Alcoholics board as well, to get some perspective on the long term consequences many of us have faced being raised in a home with alcoholism.

It does concern me that he says he will never quit, that's classic- he's holding on to his first love (alcohol), and probably terrified of never drinking again.

Alcoholism is progressive, as long as we're drinking, it gets worse. I'm sure you've read here a bit and have seen this to be true. If any of us could have toned it down and became a moderate drinker, we would have.

I'm happy you found us!!

Bella01

Thank you everyone for your kind replies! I posted the topic in the F&F forum and received brilliant replies and advice backed up with personal experiences etc, they've been wonderful as have you all!

I've just copied the reply I gave on there, you don't need to read it all just thought I would keep you updated if you were interested!

(P.s the idea about getting perspectives from the children of active alcoholics is brilliant!)

I've made my decision to leave. There was yet another argument last night that made a few things very clear. I think in my head I always gave his actions excuses because like he said 'you don't understand and until you go through it yourself, you have no idea' etc. Which is true to some extent.

I find it difficult to tell when he's had a drink. Obviously I can when he's off his face. But he can be extremely drunk and still be able to function quite normally. Sometimes there a few subtle hints like the eye rolling and slight slur of the last word. Sometimes there's no give a way at all.

But normally I could tell you exactly what his response to our regular alcohol arguments will be, word for word, depending on whether he's been drinking or not. I mean, we've had 33 weeks of this. When he's drunk, it's always on the defensive and he always has an answer for everything. When he hasn't had a drink for the day, it's apologetic and respectful.

However last night I was under the impression he hadn't had a drink all day as was his day off and he had spent most of it cleaning our flat. I hadn't spoken to him much at all during the day and eventually I felt like I needed to bring it up as he was clearly just going to avoid the issue forever, sat on the sofa in silence.

I asked him what he thought would change when she's here and instantly his attitude sucked.

'I don't know, probably nothing, well I'm just **** aren't I' etc...

I tried again and for the millionth time, asked him why I should put up with it to which he just said 'I don't know, but there's nothing I can say about it right now is there.'

More mundane arguing. But the clincher was when he told me that he's not an alcoholic anymore and that he can control it. He can now drink moderately and he is never going to quit alcohol completely just because he has a kid. I asked him why he came back off his face not three days ago when he specifically told me he wouldn't get drunk before he left and he just said, 'oh I had every intention of coming back drunk I just didn't want to tell you that and for you to ruin my night'. With a stupid little smirk on his face.

So that's it, I officially can't make excuses up for him anymore. I should never have from the beginning but to hear it said out loud like that... That he is fully aware he's gonna upset me and just doesn't care at all... Both hurt deeply and came as a relief.

Everyone's stories above just sound so similar already and I just cry every day. The comment about rushing to the window every time you hear a car door slam, hoping it was him coming back... That's literally me! Like a little dog and I hate it.

He's definitely opened my eyes more. He put it across like the majority of the time it was involuntary and getting drunk 'just happened'... But the comment made last night proves he's just cruel.

Angry at myself for not allowing much time to figure out what to do now. The prospect of being a single parent terrifies me to death. Trying to block out all the emotional side of it right now but there's so much hurt to get over at some point it's difficult. And I feel guilty for my daughter. Parents are supposed to be your rock, your superhero. And neither of us are living up to that right now.

gaffo

I was the drunk dad until it occurred to me that I wanted to enjoy fatherhood and be there the best that I could be no matter what happened. I would only get that chance once. I didn't want to blow it and feel regret for the rest of my life. I got sober and I am so glad. I love my kids more than any stupid bottle and I am there for them at all times. Thank you for reminding me of that.

Your daughter will be fine with a mother like you. It is hard work for sure but the rewards are huge. Enjoy! The father is missing out. He's hopeless for the moment. Then the moment will be gone forever. I wish you well.

zjw

for what its worth I'm married 6 kids and been married for 15 plus years. I"m also an alcoholic. I never beat my wife I never got a DUI. I got a lot of Not yets. Lotta things i never did. I'm clean as a whistle comepared to some alcoholics. BUT by the grace of god one of my kids never got seriously hurt while i was drunk. By the grace of god I as some how sober for every one of there births what are the odds there huh? For some stupid reason my wife whom I've known since we where 14 and we've been best friends since put up with me despite the loud snoring stopping breathing in the middle of the night passing out drunk in my puke wondering if i'd wake up etc... My wife puts up a tough front. She left me in my own vomit and went to sleep sick of my nonsense etc.. when I latered crawled and i do mean crawled up the stairs to bed she made me sleep on the floor after that stunt she told me i didnt deserve the bed nor did she wanna wake up with puke on her. Oh did i mention I puked on her too once?

I could go on. But now here i am. Sober. If i ever have to question if my wife loves me I can read what I just wrote and be assured that yes she does becuase no other women in there sane mind would put up with that crap from some drunk. And thats not even a complete list.

Having a child didnt sober me up either. I sobered up at 33 panic attacks drove me over the edge. having a child has a way of making a man get serious about his life. In many many ways my first one got me serious pretty quick. I know quite a few others who got more serious tho I never sobered up for my first child i did stop being so wreckless and kept my drinking at home. LIfes a serious of trade offs i guess it'll never be perfect.

I think you said a lot in there. he's adament he wont quit completely what about for 1 day at a time?

If he's not abusive is he tolerable? is he worth tolerating? is there hope ?

and yeah your hormones could be wacked too. I would nto make a big decision at this stage in a pregnancy if i was a women nor after with the post partum i'd give it time before making such a big choice.

i wanna point out it can work out tho. I was drunk for probably what 11 years of my 15 year marriage? I think my wife would say its worth it. but i'm sure it was not easy for her.

keep in mind i'm biased i'm the type that will say work it out stay together try harder and when you've done all that i'd say well try harder. and when you've given it all you got i'd say give it some more be patient etc.. but i wont lie there does come a time tho when you gotta cut your losses and move on.

zjw

oh and people change too. I didnt have a drinking problem. I figured i'd never quit for good either. I still havent but i have not had a drink in over 3 years. Maybe i'll drink agian maybe i wont. But i've at least got 3+ good yeas of sobriety for me and those around me. its a start.

if he says he'll never quit for good blah blah blah. I said the same sorta nonsense. LIke i said maybe he'll quit for one day. thats all i did and here i am still sober. i had never intended to quit for that long but i couldnt deny that life was better without the booze so i kept it up.

Tamerua

Hi Bella! I think it is awesome that you came here to ask us. Welcome!

In my experience people can't moderate. To me that was the holy grail of drinking... And it never appeared because I drank to get drunk.

You're pregnant, he should be caring for you, not the other way around. Listen to your gut here. You fear he won't get straight once the baby comes, that is your intuition saying that and probably for good reason.

There is a chance he will sober up once the baby comes, if he does, that is awesome. But there is a chance he won't; have a game plan ready. You will see, once the little one comes, you will turn into mama bear mode. I did. So be prepared, where will you all go, who do you have to give you support.

Best of luck! Stick around here, we are an alright crowd. I honestly had a similar situation when I had my son, before I started drinking. We are good now ( my son and I, he is 14 now). If you need someone to talk to, please feel free to PM me.

Tamerua

And I was late to the posting, I'm glad you came to a firm decision so you can move on.

zjw

I missed your post of you leaving him etc...

I grew up with an alcoholic step father. I wish my mother woulda left him within the first year we moved in with him I was 5 or 6 years old. She did not break it off till i was 15 or 16. It was basicly my entire child hood totally destroyed by an abusive drunk and a mother with 0 cahoonies to walk out or even recognize this ******* for what he was.

That being said not every drunk is like he was. But yeah you might not also wanna ruin 10 years of your kids life trying to figure out what type he is?

I dunno tough call. People change too and come around.

Bella01

Thanks for your honest reply, it was really interesting to see what your thoughts were!

While I do believe in that last statement, I feel as though by staying, I'm making it too easy for him. He can have his cake and eat it too sort of thing. There's not enough motivation or drive to sort himself out.

Leaving may not help either but I'm so tired of asking myself the same questions every day, what time will he be home, will he be drunk, will he have more beer...

Whenever he tells me about an upcoming event such as a work meal or friends night out etc, my heart sinks because it's just a count down to seeing him get into that state where he is passed out with his trousers round his ankles.

I haven't felt like we are a team for a very long time and he doesn't want to talk about it. He will ignore me until I cave in like normal because it gets to the point where I just want a bit of human contact at home.

The fact that he also says 'well when the baby is here, I won't want to drink will I, so you're worrying over nothing'... I know this isn't about me right now, but ouch. He can see I'm hurting every day and that doesn't make him want to stop. Even 33 weeks pregnant and waddling around like a penguin.

I'm sad all the time

SereneEdition

Your actions show that you are the rock for your child. You can do this!

Foolsgold186

Hi Bella,

I'm sorry to read what your going through, it sounds really tough.

I'm an alcoholic, been sober nearly 6 months and I'm near enough 5 months pregnant. Our baby was also a surprise but a very happy, if somewhat scary time.

People often say to me (outwith AA and other support groups) "it must be so easy for you not to drink now your pregnant?" Like me being pregnant, or becoming a parent automatically will stop the sickness I have when it comes to alcohol - It doesnt. I have to fight and work everyday not to drink because I dont want my baby being brought up in an environment I have no control over due to my drinking. I have to be sober to be the best parent I can be but I have to be sober first and a parent second, partner third etc. Its not a nice order but its the only order that'll keep all the other parts together.

My point is your boyfriend will either want to be sober or he won't. Nothing you can do or say will change that.

I really hope you find some resolve with this and wishing you well with the baby.

L x

Music

Bella, there's nothing wrong with taking a break from the situation until it's safe. Make sure you and the baby are in good hands and leave the door open for the possibility that at some point, there might be reconciliation. I'm assuming "he" is the father so he should be involved with you and the baby but not until you're sure he's done his work to get sober.

Carbonized

This is about you. And the baby. His drinking with a kid on the way is bad enough, the one way communication is a prelude to a disaster. Hell, his whole life should be revolving around you in this situation.