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Finally Had A Checkup

Old 12-16-2014, 06:33 PM
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Finally Had A Checkup

Ok, so i finally got around to doing something i thought i'd take care of quick.

First off, decent checkups in the NYC area are ridiculously expensive if you don't have insurance. Had to have someone hook me up with a doctor so i settled for whatever. As it turns out i waited for hours to be called but the exam was pretty thorough considering the basics of the place. the people there actually cared about their patients rather than treating you as just another number as you would be in the community health centers.

The reactions to the dates of my last medical care were something to see, apparently they're not used to patients who don't even bother to visit emergency rooms for various physical injuries that would can leave one with virtually permanent infirmities. As i told them, i'm working class. Medical care is for those with money and people on welfare. You're a single male of working age you got nothing coming so you learn to suffer in silence. Physically, i'm a wreck and they found out but it was a relief to finally confess to someone about the mental issues. We discussed a whole lot of things and they regretted on how i slipped through the cracks in the system years ago when certain serious issues could have been dealt with before they grew toxic.

When everything was said. summed up, and the various tests and checks they needed to run on me planned, i knew before they even told me that i would have to be signing on as a charity case with the state. I hate it all to hell but we all know there is no possible way i can afford the battery of tests that are needed. You know how at work there are "occupational hazards"? What i do for a living is basically slowly killing me. I know it too. You go work with pretty harsh chemicals with minimal, if any, safety gear and you bite the bullet. A man has to do what a man has to do. To put it bluntly, don't plan for retirement as you aren't going to last that long. It does help being of a suicidal mindset cause i would deal with chemicals in ways that left co-workers and management in awe at how i'd contaminate myself and keep right on going and never miss a shift.. Thankfully i'm in between contracts and so can finally sort things out in a way that if all works out, i'll never have to go back to that kind of job again.

Hopefully things go right when i go deal with the paperwork.
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Old 12-16-2014, 07:49 PM
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The way I see it "we only got our health" to fall back on.
I can empathize with being working class and the lack of quality affordable health care in the states.
Seems to me you have to take some of the blame for your chronic health as well. You admit yourself that you exposed yourself to chemical hazards in the workplace beyond acceptable limits that others would tolerate. Health and safety is everyone responsibility not just your employer. While they have duties to provide PPE and reasonable protection from hazards you also have a duty not to compromise your own safety.
I'm an alcoholic so I did the same for decades, knowingly expose myself to toxic levels of a substance without any rational thought or reason.
Sounds like you have a choice to either start taking responsibility and action to look after yourself or you can choose go to an early grave.
Same with booze, same with all choices we make everyday, every minute of our lives.
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Old 12-16-2014, 09:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Johno1967 View Post
The way I see it "we only got our health" to fall back on.
I can empathize with being working class and the lack of quality affordable health care in the states.
Seems to me you have to take some of the blame for your chronic health as well. You admit yourself that you exposed yourself to chemical hazards in the workplace beyond acceptable limits that others would tolerate. Health and safety is everyone responsibility not just your employer. While they have duties to provide PPE and reasonable protection from hazards you also have a duty not to compromise your own safety.
I'm an alcoholic so I did the same for decades, knowingly expose myself to toxic levels of a substance without any rational thought or reason.
Sounds like you have a choice to either start taking responsibility and action to look after yourself or you can choose go to an early grave.
Same with booze, same with all choices we make everyday, every minute of our lives.
The one thing i really regret in life is being a such a loser that i have to do things like this to make my way in the world. I mean, the job i described above is a rather crucial and important one in that field but in the end you have to be all kinds of a damn fool to do it for prolonged periods. Full stop. Another job i had that also involved some nasty chemicals was rather important and i was part of a hand picked team that did the work. We survived layoffs which eliminated our entire department and we were crucial to operations and yet, we were treated like crap. Imagine being in enclosed rooms saturated with enough chemicals that when you go outside for a break people can smell the fumes coming off your uniform at 100 yards. Why? I had to keep a roof over my head. Why? Because i'm a loser. Winners don't have to to those kinds of dirty jobs.

Worked custodial at a convention center and had this one dandy moment. A waste compacter was seriously overloaded and when the driver hooked up the dumpster to pull it, all kinds of trash was going to spill. Guess which idiot had to go clean up the trash? Imagine having to go with a shovel and trash cart wading into garbage that is waist deep that has been roasting in a dumpster at temperatures well over 100 degrees fahrenheit.

Well somebody has to do that job. Bet you anything on what kind of person ends up doing it. Also makes one want to consume alcohol 7 days a week and wish to die.

Spent a whole life on the wrong end of things. Now it's either Win or call time on all this.
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Old 12-16-2014, 11:19 PM
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Hi Carbonized, welcome to the site. I think everyone here has made some poor choices over the years. I think most of us have some regrets. But we are all in this together, and we are all rebuilding. Sometimes we get knocked down but we don't stay down, and neither do you or you wouldn't be here. So be kind to yourself, as we are all fighting the same fight, and there are no losers here.

Last edited by islandgrrl; 12-16-2014 at 11:21 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 12-17-2014, 03:46 AM
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if you don't make much money, you are able to get medicaid through obamacare
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Old 12-17-2014, 09:27 AM
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Glad you went to get a physical Carbonized, that's a good step. I hope you can find a job that is safer and offers insurance too. Contrary to what you might have experienced, there are a lot of jobs that do offer insurance as a benefit in the "middle" class. Perhaps not as many as there were 10 or 20 years ago, but they are there. And there are many more options via the government as well.
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Old 12-17-2014, 03:51 PM
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Good luck Carbonized
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Old 12-17-2014, 04:01 PM
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I am well aware of that suicidal mindset when it comes to health issues. It seems to be some weird mixture of fearless invincibility and just not thinking you are important enough. Good job going to the doctor and taking care of yourself. If you can't quit working in that field you still have the right to insist on protective equipment.
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Old 12-17-2014, 06:02 PM
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Going to the hospital tomorrow to get the particulars about starting on the paperwork. Had a lousy time earlier. Went for a walk. Felt alien walking around the crowds of people. Like i was looking through someone else's eyes, i didn't feel like i was really there. Kept wondering why do i even bother with it all as i lost it all years ago and i'm too old to begin again Hate to see couples. Hurts to be alone. Finished walk quick and couldn't wait to get back to my my windowless room.

Found NLP center near my favorite bookstore. Must go in next time i'm in area.

Wish i could custom make personality and wipe away my own.
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Old 12-17-2014, 06:17 PM
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it's really never too late to start again, that's what living is about

today we can learn to live again

Love and hugs to you
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Old 12-17-2014, 07:32 PM
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I hope everything turns out perfectly for the paperwork for you.
I am worried about you. Is there anyone you can talk to? You are important and your health is important. *sending a big hug your way*
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Old 12-17-2014, 08:12 PM
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Originally Posted by strategery View Post
I hope everything turns out perfectly for the paperwork for you.
I am worried about you. Is there anyone you can talk to? You are important and your health is important. *sending a big hug your way*
Hoping things go quick but i've already been advised that everything takes a long time to process. And that's even if i qualify since everything is given to lazy hoodrats from the projects and their stroller bound welfare magnets. Also planning for an imminent start to a workout as i gained all kinds of hideous weight working at my last job drinking endless caffeine sodas and energy drinks and utterly crap food combined with virtually zero real exercise. I plan to torture myself with this workout combined with supplemental as well as chemical assistance to get myself to an aesthetic i can tolerate in the mirror and is socially acceptable. If i'm not on the verge of a heart attack i'm not pushing hard enough. Have to wait though as i need the exam first as i need to know how much and exactly what damage i have physically.

Mentally things are not going well lately. Looking for every possible way to banish a lifelong loser mentality. Need to be 100% sure and confident of myself at all times. Need to be a winner. Have only a few months until my business plans kick in and if i don't have everything absolutely solid gold tiptop i might as well put a bullet in my head as i don't stand even a minor chance at pulling this off, i will fail and i'll be dead. There is no other option.

Have to keep looking. When i think about the situation lately, i'm tending towards panic attacks. Anxiety is really bad today and right now.

Thanks everyone for being here. If and when i talk to a psychologist is the only person i can discuss this with. 20 million people in this area and i'm alone as usual.
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Old 12-18-2014, 11:28 AM
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I'm sorry to hear that it's going to take awhile to process things Carbonized. I would highly recommend talking with a psychologist or counselor since you're dealing with a lot of things.
I wish you luck on your business plan. Please be kind to yourself. *hugs*
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Old 12-18-2014, 11:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Carbonized View Post
20 million people in this area and i'm alone as usual.
You have several thousand of people here that are behind you. We may not be there in person but all you have to do is ask...and we will listen, advise, whatever we can do.
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Old 12-18-2014, 05:06 PM
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Heading to the welfare office tomorrow, Found out today that it will take a week and a half to process the paperwork just to set up an initial meeting which usually means i'll have to have yet another appointment and delay before i ever get to be seen by a doctor.

Makes one wonder how many people over the years have decided to either continue their addictions as it's to much of a hassle to get into rehab or how many suicides have occurred due to the delays in the system.

It's just like the observation in The Day Of The Jackal " One needs dollars, dollars and more dollars". Only two logical solutions to that scenario are success or suicide.
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Old 12-18-2014, 07:01 PM
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Need to be 100% sure and confident of myself at all times.

not possible, Carbonized. it's inhumane to ask it of yourself. entirely unrealistic.
you're neither a total winner or a total loser. these either/or judgments serve only the "loser" side eventually.

the really tough stuff for me is getting a more realistic perspective and allow my vulnerabilities and weaknesses to just be. to be not-confident at times and confident at others. to be okay while being unsure. to become more accepting of what i was "taught" was unacceptable. undesirable.

don't need to be perfect to be okay. and not being perfect does not equal being a loser.
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Old 12-18-2014, 11:47 PM
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Please keep moving forward through the hoops Carbonized. Fini makes a strong recommendation here that 100% out of the gate is not realistic in a new work out, new business endeavor, gaining self confidence, losing weight and overcoming addiction.

Try hard but allow for time to rest, reflect, heal and recover.
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Old 12-19-2014, 01:26 PM
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Went to the welfare office and got a surprise. Apparently, you have to be in line at 7:30 in the morning to even have half a chance as they only do 30 adults per day.

30.

And this office is supposed to handle an area that has a population of over 650,000 people.

So back i go Monday morning and in the meantime i'm trying to figure out just what contingency plans i can come up with or who to bribe and how much. Also mentally rehearsed exactly what i'll say to them if i'm not accepted. You going to toss away my life, i'll do whatever i can to ruin yours too.

Spent a little over an hour walking around some pretty depressing places. They can't gentrify that area fast enough. The office building was just so run down that i actually walked within 100 yards of it and didn't know it because the place was so dinghy. Even walked around the local projects, which is the reason that the area will always be a crap place to be. Amazing how a few thousand people can have everything handed to them on a platter and STILL can't get their act together. F them all.

So all i can do now is wait until Monday.

I hate this life.
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Old 12-19-2014, 01:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Carbonized View Post
So all i can do now is wait until Monday.
.
How about offering to volunteer some time at a food pantry, the salvation army or a church? How about hitting an AA or NA meeting and seeking out some other people who are exactly like you that are seeking help? How about spending some time here reading instead of stewing in your utter disdain for everything around you?

Sure...you CAN wait till Monday if you choose to. Or you could look at it like you have 2 full days ( plus tonight ) to actually do something BEFORE Monday.

Sorry to sound blunt, but you seem to have no issue being blunt with us.
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Old 12-19-2014, 01:39 PM
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carbonized,

Don't give up. Have you considered checking out the Salvation Army? Maybe they might have some suggestions for you. Might be able to help you get back on your feet.

Please keep checking in with us, OK?

Love from Lenina
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