Grief and relapse
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Grief and relapse
I just want to let some of my mates know this, as I don't want the one sober member here whom I've PM'd to feel she must bear my burdens.
On or about 10 November, my sister Sue died by her own hand, after a lifetime of severe depression and an increasing burden of chronic, incurable physical conditions. She chose (we think, though won't know for sure until Coroner's report comes through months from now) to die by a method which was extremely quick, and which effectively preserved her clean / sober time in NA of almost 25 years. She was 63 years old and a couple of months.
She was cremated in a service in Darwin (where she'd lived for the last 10 years), on 25 Nov. My eldest sister attended, having flown all the way up there from where she lives in Tassie. One end of the country to the other, for those of you who don't know Australia and how huge it is. I could not be there but did my own little ceremony here at home at roughly the same time of that day, given time zone differences.
She will be sent off in a memorial service in beachside Sydney this Friday arvo, AUS time; her ashes will be scattered next morning sometime into a tidal pool which she loved in her years in beachside Sydney. Her celebrant is a dear lady friend of 30 years, film maker and producer well known in Australian circles. My eldest sister will be there, as will my two adult twin daughters, and their two adult cousins, plus an assortment of Sue's and my own (even more ancient) cousins, plus very importantly, many of her friends from the NA rooms in Sydney and around NSW.
I was going to be there, to leave home just tomorrow (Thursday) morning. But as I have relapsed, I have had to cancel the trip.
I am still in occasional contact with my AA mentor, my GP, and a couple of newcomers in meetings, women who are my age.
To be there, physically and every other wise, present would be critical - yet I can't. To NOT be there, is worse. I will be doing what I can here at home, just as I did on the day of Sue's cremation on 25 Nov.
There is a whole backstory of Sue's very recent (days before she died) phone call and texts with me, as she sought to help me get back on track after a couple of more recent 'slips'. I had no idea that she was about to die, literally a few days later. She did, yet said nothing - which is quite common.
Police have indicated that they found her, just lying in a clean nightie in an immaculate apartment, halfway in the doorway from her kitchen perhaps on her way back to her bedroom. No mess, no struggle.
Note, I am not divulging anything here which my own family members can see. They do not know my identity here on SR. Nor would they, frankly, be bothering to look, as they're preparing themselves to make their own trips to Sydney. We are one of those families who have always lived in different States, and with not a huge amount of contact. Sue included.
It's ******* unbearable. [sorry for language, Dee or mods will blank it].
Love to you guys.
On or about 10 November, my sister Sue died by her own hand, after a lifetime of severe depression and an increasing burden of chronic, incurable physical conditions. She chose (we think, though won't know for sure until Coroner's report comes through months from now) to die by a method which was extremely quick, and which effectively preserved her clean / sober time in NA of almost 25 years. She was 63 years old and a couple of months.
She was cremated in a service in Darwin (where she'd lived for the last 10 years), on 25 Nov. My eldest sister attended, having flown all the way up there from where she lives in Tassie. One end of the country to the other, for those of you who don't know Australia and how huge it is. I could not be there but did my own little ceremony here at home at roughly the same time of that day, given time zone differences.
She will be sent off in a memorial service in beachside Sydney this Friday arvo, AUS time; her ashes will be scattered next morning sometime into a tidal pool which she loved in her years in beachside Sydney. Her celebrant is a dear lady friend of 30 years, film maker and producer well known in Australian circles. My eldest sister will be there, as will my two adult twin daughters, and their two adult cousins, plus an assortment of Sue's and my own (even more ancient) cousins, plus very importantly, many of her friends from the NA rooms in Sydney and around NSW.
I was going to be there, to leave home just tomorrow (Thursday) morning. But as I have relapsed, I have had to cancel the trip.
I am still in occasional contact with my AA mentor, my GP, and a couple of newcomers in meetings, women who are my age.
To be there, physically and every other wise, present would be critical - yet I can't. To NOT be there, is worse. I will be doing what I can here at home, just as I did on the day of Sue's cremation on 25 Nov.
There is a whole backstory of Sue's very recent (days before she died) phone call and texts with me, as she sought to help me get back on track after a couple of more recent 'slips'. I had no idea that she was about to die, literally a few days later. She did, yet said nothing - which is quite common.
Police have indicated that they found her, just lying in a clean nightie in an immaculate apartment, halfway in the doorway from her kitchen perhaps on her way back to her bedroom. No mess, no struggle.
Note, I am not divulging anything here which my own family members can see. They do not know my identity here on SR. Nor would they, frankly, be bothering to look, as they're preparing themselves to make their own trips to Sydney. We are one of those families who have always lived in different States, and with not a huge amount of contact. Sue included.
It's ******* unbearable. [sorry for language, Dee or mods will blank it].
Love to you guys.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
I'm a bit blunt, but this is time for it:
Thoughts and feelings from other recovering human beings very welcome.
Those couched in however-heartfelt-but-zealous AA speak: not. I am one of us who has used many languages of recovery, including AA / Steps, but in a more agnostic / eclectic way. Please respect that.
And my sister, almost 25 years clean /sober in NA, devoted to the programme, was an atheist, whilst also being deeply spiritual / sensitive to the world.
Thoughts and feelings from other recovering human beings very welcome.
Those couched in however-heartfelt-but-zealous AA speak: not. I am one of us who has used many languages of recovery, including AA / Steps, but in a more agnostic / eclectic way. Please respect that.
And my sister, almost 25 years clean /sober in NA, devoted to the programme, was an atheist, whilst also being deeply spiritual / sensitive to the world.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
I'm sorry for your loss Vic. Losing a sibling in that way must be especially painful.
What I've discovered about grief tho is - we're meant to grieve. It's natural and healthy to be sad when we lose someone we love.
What alcohol does is keep us in a holding pattern - we keep experiencing the pain but we never actually come to grips with the grief because we never move through it...because at the first sign of feeling our alcoholic response is to shut that feeling down or numb it as best we can...
Losing your sister is a tragedy Vic - losing yourself as well just makes a bad thing that much more terribly worse.
PS as far as funerals and memorials go, I rarely go these days as I don't travel well...I find it far more meaningful to remember the people I loved in my own way.
Make the best of not being there and remember sue in your own way...and honour her memory by getting back to where you know you need to be Vic.
D
What I've discovered about grief tho is - we're meant to grieve. It's natural and healthy to be sad when we lose someone we love.
What alcohol does is keep us in a holding pattern - we keep experiencing the pain but we never actually come to grips with the grief because we never move through it...because at the first sign of feeling our alcoholic response is to shut that feeling down or numb it as best we can...
Losing your sister is a tragedy Vic - losing yourself as well just makes a bad thing that much more terribly worse.
PS as far as funerals and memorials go, I rarely go these days as I don't travel well...I find it far more meaningful to remember the people I loved in my own way.
Make the best of not being there and remember sue in your own way...and honour her memory by getting back to where you know you need to be Vic.
D
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: The Present
Posts: 425
Hi Bemyself...
Just wanted to pass on my condolences to you at this rough time. If I may share some parallels with you. My sister, also Sue, around the same age as your sister, was an alcoholic like me. I loved her plenty, but she too had a rough life of chronic illness, depression and a bad marriage. She hit the bottle after her now deceased boyfriend hit her. She was a lovely person; highly intelligent, university degrees etc, but life was too rough on her, and before she reached 60 her doctor told her she would die if she didn't stop drinking. She did die of alcoholism, alone in hospital, her heart just gave up. I missed being with her by minutes. We scattered her ashes at sea. I'm cut up to this day that I wasn't with her when she died, but I feel your pain, mate.
Just wanted to pass on my condolences to you at this rough time. If I may share some parallels with you. My sister, also Sue, around the same age as your sister, was an alcoholic like me. I loved her plenty, but she too had a rough life of chronic illness, depression and a bad marriage. She hit the bottle after her now deceased boyfriend hit her. She was a lovely person; highly intelligent, university degrees etc, but life was too rough on her, and before she reached 60 her doctor told her she would die if she didn't stop drinking. She did die of alcoholism, alone in hospital, her heart just gave up. I missed being with her by minutes. We scattered her ashes at sea. I'm cut up to this day that I wasn't with her when she died, but I feel your pain, mate.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
I'm so sorry to hear of this heartache for you. I doubt there are words that will ease your pain. Just know I am thinking of you.
I lost my Dad 3 and a bit months ago. He fought his own demons too and our relationship was strained for many years, until his health worsened and we enjoyed an all too brief time together reunited as Father/daughter. We knew it was coming, I was holding his hand when the oncologist told him it was terminal, and I was able to say my goodbyes and be with him when he passed.
That has been denied you, and your grief must walk hand in hand with shock. I had started grieving months before the end, I realise that now, but for you your journey through it starts now.
Our natural instincts are to numb the pain. I have 2 and a half years sober time, but the isolation and depression that followed me led me back to thoughts of a drink. I haven't picked up, but I try now to make my Dad proud of me. I want to be the daughter, wife, Mum that I know I'm capable of being...not the one racked with guilt and anxiety because I am too drunk or hungover to see beyond my own pain.
It is hard on most days. Excruciating on others.
I have sought medical help and joined a grief forum. They have helped. And I've forced myself to start interacting with others...I still find that hard.
I think to move through the stages of grief I need to be sober no matter how hard it is sometimes.
I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope you can find help to come to terms with it in time.
My best wishes to you Vic.
Jen x
I lost my Dad 3 and a bit months ago. He fought his own demons too and our relationship was strained for many years, until his health worsened and we enjoyed an all too brief time together reunited as Father/daughter. We knew it was coming, I was holding his hand when the oncologist told him it was terminal, and I was able to say my goodbyes and be with him when he passed.
That has been denied you, and your grief must walk hand in hand with shock. I had started grieving months before the end, I realise that now, but for you your journey through it starts now.
Our natural instincts are to numb the pain. I have 2 and a half years sober time, but the isolation and depression that followed me led me back to thoughts of a drink. I haven't picked up, but I try now to make my Dad proud of me. I want to be the daughter, wife, Mum that I know I'm capable of being...not the one racked with guilt and anxiety because I am too drunk or hungover to see beyond my own pain.
It is hard on most days. Excruciating on others.
I have sought medical help and joined a grief forum. They have helped. And I've forced myself to start interacting with others...I still find that hard.
I think to move through the stages of grief I need to be sober no matter how hard it is sometimes.
I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope you can find help to come to terms with it in time.
My best wishes to you Vic.
Jen x
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Hi Vic, *hugs*
I just wanted to add to what Dee already said, about not attending the funeral... try not to put too much burden and pressure on yourself to attend if you feel you can't or shouldn't.
I've thought long and hard about what I'm going to do when my grandfather passes, and I don't think it's in my best interest to attend any function where other family members are present.
Do what you feel you are up to, and no more. Being agnostic atheist myself, I don't see the need or point in graveside visits anymore... just doesn't make much sense to me, but I know the large majority of folks do get something out of it. It's just not something I need to do in order to remember, honor, and love the person who's passed away.
Please never think it's a burden in any way to share with us here. We care. I care
My deepest condolences to you during this time, Vic. Please do the things you need to do in order to take care of you... as I'm sure that's what she wanted, considering her efforts to reach out to you recently like she did. It's quite obvious she loved you
Drinking will postpone the grieving process. So, consider putting down the alcohol as quickly as possible, if not today. I drank for about three years after my mom's suicide and like Dee mentioned, it does keep us locked into a sort of holding pattern, unable to process the emotions. You don't want to be grieving three years from now what you could grieve now.
Plus... our brains and bodies know how to go through this naturally, it will only allow you to process and experience what you can handle for now.
My thoughts are with you... xoxo
I just wanted to add to what Dee already said, about not attending the funeral... try not to put too much burden and pressure on yourself to attend if you feel you can't or shouldn't.
I've thought long and hard about what I'm going to do when my grandfather passes, and I don't think it's in my best interest to attend any function where other family members are present.
Do what you feel you are up to, and no more. Being agnostic atheist myself, I don't see the need or point in graveside visits anymore... just doesn't make much sense to me, but I know the large majority of folks do get something out of it. It's just not something I need to do in order to remember, honor, and love the person who's passed away.
Please never think it's a burden in any way to share with us here. We care. I care
My deepest condolences to you during this time, Vic. Please do the things you need to do in order to take care of you... as I'm sure that's what she wanted, considering her efforts to reach out to you recently like she did. It's quite obvious she loved you
Drinking will postpone the grieving process. So, consider putting down the alcohol as quickly as possible, if not today. I drank for about three years after my mom's suicide and like Dee mentioned, it does keep us locked into a sort of holding pattern, unable to process the emotions. You don't want to be grieving three years from now what you could grieve now.
Plus... our brains and bodies know how to go through this naturally, it will only allow you to process and experience what you can handle for now.
My thoughts are with you... xoxo
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I am very sorry about the loss of your sister and the difficult time you are going through, bemyself. A lot of loss and grief on the boards lately... It is great that you have posted about it in detail.
I am with Dee on this being a tragic event that would be difficult to handle for everyone, and it's completely understandable that you have hard time coping. But please try not to make it even harder for yourself with getting back to drinking longer. Alcohol is a sedative but it won't make the pain go away in the long run, quite the opposite.
I have also experienced loss of a relative recently, just last week... For me it was my cousin with whom I had a difficult relationship when I was much younger and I pretty much detached myself from her completely for many years. Just heard out of the blue last week that she was in the end stage of cancer, and then her passing the day after that. It was kind of a shock for me that surprised me (how I reacted to it considering the years of detachment), but in a way also a good thing for me to realize that I cared about her. I also will not attend her funeral since she lived overseas, plus I don't feel ready to reconnect with that part of my family just yet... but it's something I'm now planning to do a bit later. Since then, of course it has not left my mind and sometimes I'm plagued by feelings of guilt about not connecting with her during all those years... but I tell myself it's happened this way, it does not help anyone to ruminate on it, and that the guilt is OK. It kinda brought up a lot of thoughts about other losses in my past... and I think that is also natural. I think the best way is not to fight these feelings. Drinking over them is sort of fighting them in a way...
Do you have anyone to talk to about all this (the grief, the relapse, etc) in your real life? If you don't want to use AA for this. I have a wonderful therapist, just saw him yesterday... it was a kind of session quite different from what we usually do because we discussed this recent event and a lot of other stuff stirred up by it, and it was pretty intense. But very good for me.
Please be gentle on yourself. These experiences are hard by nature for all of us. Sending good thoughts to you.
I am with Dee on this being a tragic event that would be difficult to handle for everyone, and it's completely understandable that you have hard time coping. But please try not to make it even harder for yourself with getting back to drinking longer. Alcohol is a sedative but it won't make the pain go away in the long run, quite the opposite.
I have also experienced loss of a relative recently, just last week... For me it was my cousin with whom I had a difficult relationship when I was much younger and I pretty much detached myself from her completely for many years. Just heard out of the blue last week that she was in the end stage of cancer, and then her passing the day after that. It was kind of a shock for me that surprised me (how I reacted to it considering the years of detachment), but in a way also a good thing for me to realize that I cared about her. I also will not attend her funeral since she lived overseas, plus I don't feel ready to reconnect with that part of my family just yet... but it's something I'm now planning to do a bit later. Since then, of course it has not left my mind and sometimes I'm plagued by feelings of guilt about not connecting with her during all those years... but I tell myself it's happened this way, it does not help anyone to ruminate on it, and that the guilt is OK. It kinda brought up a lot of thoughts about other losses in my past... and I think that is also natural. I think the best way is not to fight these feelings. Drinking over them is sort of fighting them in a way...
Do you have anyone to talk to about all this (the grief, the relapse, etc) in your real life? If you don't want to use AA for this. I have a wonderful therapist, just saw him yesterday... it was a kind of session quite different from what we usually do because we discussed this recent event and a lot of other stuff stirred up by it, and it was pretty intense. But very good for me.
Please be gentle on yourself. These experiences are hard by nature for all of us. Sending good thoughts to you.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 297
I don't have any advice and I don't imagine that my words can offer any real comfort. I am sorry to read about your loss. It's clear from your writing that you dearly loved your sister and that she loved you as well. That is a great loss.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
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Vic, It's so good you wanted to talk about what happened. You're among people who care and understand.
I always fell back on alcohol to help cope with painful times. Getting numb and foggy seemed like a blessing, but as Dee & others pointed out - we need to feel. Otherwise we don't deal with the emotions and they will remain repressed. Please be kind to yourself and know that you always have us to talk to. Prayers going up for you and your family to be comforted as you go through this.
I always fell back on alcohol to help cope with painful times. Getting numb and foggy seemed like a blessing, but as Dee & others pointed out - we need to feel. Otherwise we don't deal with the emotions and they will remain repressed. Please be kind to yourself and know that you always have us to talk to. Prayers going up for you and your family to be comforted as you go through this.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I'm sorry for your loss Vic. Losing a sibling in that way must be especially painful.
What I've discovered about grief tho is - we're meant to grieve. It's natural and healthy to be sad when we lose someone we love.
What alcohol does is keep us in a holding pattern - we keep experiencing the pain but we never actually come to grips with the grief because we never move through it...because at the first sign of feeling our alcoholic response is to shut that feeling down or numb it as best we can...
Losing your sister is a tragedy Vic - losing yourself as well just makes a bad thing that much more terribly worse.
PS as far as funerals and memorials go, I rarely go these days as I don't travel well...I find it far more meaningful to remember the people I loved in my own way.
Make the best of not being there and remember sue in your own way...and honour her memory by getting back to where you know you need to be Vic.
D
What I've discovered about grief tho is - we're meant to grieve. It's natural and healthy to be sad when we lose someone we love.
What alcohol does is keep us in a holding pattern - we keep experiencing the pain but we never actually come to grips with the grief because we never move through it...because at the first sign of feeling our alcoholic response is to shut that feeling down or numb it as best we can...
Losing your sister is a tragedy Vic - losing yourself as well just makes a bad thing that much more terribly worse.
PS as far as funerals and memorials go, I rarely go these days as I don't travel well...I find it far more meaningful to remember the people I loved in my own way.
Make the best of not being there and remember sue in your own way...and honour her memory by getting back to where you know you need to be Vic.
D
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Earth
Posts: 164
Hi bemyself,
I am so sorry to hear about your sister. My deepest condolences for your loss. Your story is heartbreaking and my heart goes out to you.
I just want to echo what Dee said about how alcohol keeps our grieving in a holding pattern. It prevents the grieving process from progressing through the stages and cycles through which we need to move. I think it inhibits us processing the loss.
For whatever it's worth to know you're not alone, I'm in a similar boat with grief and relapse. I lost my Mom very recently. She was in her early 60s and a cancer survivor. I relapsed over and over in the weeks following her passing. It was like one huge blur of shock and I kept drinking, having blackouts. In some ways, I was drinking to numb the pain. And at the same time, I was drinking to feel the pain more vividly. The shock was so severe, I could hardly even bring myself to cry. But drunk, the tears flowed freely. The thing is, those tears were not tears of true grieving because they didn't come from truly processing the loss. Or if some processing was occurring, it was minimal. These tears were just beer tears, and therefore in some sense empty.
It got so bad, I needed to stop. It took several tries but it's so worth it. I cannot recommend this enough. Sober, my true grieving journey is much more demanding, and much more rewarding. It's different sober; I cry every day, usually at random times, and there's actual reflection involved. It's genuine, and it's the result of actually working through this.
When things are really tough, I remind myself that I'm getting and staying sober for her, in her memory.
I really hope you stop drinking. It's short circuiting your grieving process. If nothing else, then do it for your sister. I have a feeling she wouldn't want you to drink over this.
I am so sorry to hear about your sister. My deepest condolences for your loss. Your story is heartbreaking and my heart goes out to you.
I just want to echo what Dee said about how alcohol keeps our grieving in a holding pattern. It prevents the grieving process from progressing through the stages and cycles through which we need to move. I think it inhibits us processing the loss.
For whatever it's worth to know you're not alone, I'm in a similar boat with grief and relapse. I lost my Mom very recently. She was in her early 60s and a cancer survivor. I relapsed over and over in the weeks following her passing. It was like one huge blur of shock and I kept drinking, having blackouts. In some ways, I was drinking to numb the pain. And at the same time, I was drinking to feel the pain more vividly. The shock was so severe, I could hardly even bring myself to cry. But drunk, the tears flowed freely. The thing is, those tears were not tears of true grieving because they didn't come from truly processing the loss. Or if some processing was occurring, it was minimal. These tears were just beer tears, and therefore in some sense empty.
It got so bad, I needed to stop. It took several tries but it's so worth it. I cannot recommend this enough. Sober, my true grieving journey is much more demanding, and much more rewarding. It's different sober; I cry every day, usually at random times, and there's actual reflection involved. It's genuine, and it's the result of actually working through this.
When things are really tough, I remind myself that I'm getting and staying sober for her, in her memory.
I really hope you stop drinking. It's short circuiting your grieving process. If nothing else, then do it for your sister. I have a feeling she wouldn't want you to drink over this.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
cThank you so very much, to and for all of you. Thank you for sharing your own stories too, in particular. This community has so very many amazing people who feel, extremely deeply - and who have had to get through the absolute depths which life (and death) offer up, whilst also striving to be sober. The average person on the street can't truly understand that kind of double-whammy work.
All of you have reminded me of the necessity for actually feeling / doing genuine grief / mourning work, without the blur of alcohol. I certainly hadn't planned to complicate this time with that blur; in fact, facing the death of a loved one whilst in early recovery has always been my greatest fear.
I had worked so hard during my most recent sober recovery period: one day shy of 7 months, my longest ever - and mostly, feeling I was gaining that inner strength and serenity for which we all long. Even those first two slips, nearly 3 weeks apart, I'd genuinely felt I was able to move past quickly. Both of them had my sister Sue's stern yet encouraging support to do just that, as well as from people in AA and my wonderful GP.
I stayed sober another four or five days after the news of her death. ie. eight days after the second 'pick up'. I continued going to meetings, talking, seeing my GP, meditating, etc etc...but every few days, began drinking again. in the afternoon / early evening only. But once that brain-switch has really switched, combined with emotional turmoil.... the progression took over, despite my herculean efforts every morning or into the early afternoon. I say none of this as 'reasons', 'excuses', 'rationalisations' - and certainly not denial. I describe it simply as we all have known, how it goes.
If I had not picked up that first drink a few weeks before the impact of this death came slamming in....I wouldn't need to be writing on grief AND relapse. I would be writing, as so many have done and continue to, on grief in sobriety.
Clementina pointed to a key - and confounding though obvious - insight I've already experienced: that, for some of us at least: drinking on grief or other major loss actually enables us to feel and cry / sob/ wail. Well, I'll speak just for me anyway. I truly don't know anymore which is 'more genuine'. I'm part Irish, a few generations back, combined with English. I've long been aware that I'm prone to that old experience of 'getting maudlin' or 'crying in your cups'. I'm especially aware that in the my later years after so long being on SSRIs for depression and anxiety, that these damn drugs commonly blunt our ability to cry, express emotion, etc. So I've almost - perhaps sub consciously - resorted, without wanting it, to drinking in order to grieve.
I also have writer's block when I'm sober for a while too. Similar thing. Both 'lacks' drive me nuts - upset me.
Having said all this - I know I have to get sober again, and as soon as possible. I do want to get sober again, and re-start my sober living days. I just can't do that today, tomorrow, maybe even Saturday. Please try to hang in there with me, and I hope I'm not infuriating you. I'm infuriating myself enough.
All of you have reminded me of the necessity for actually feeling / doing genuine grief / mourning work, without the blur of alcohol. I certainly hadn't planned to complicate this time with that blur; in fact, facing the death of a loved one whilst in early recovery has always been my greatest fear.
I had worked so hard during my most recent sober recovery period: one day shy of 7 months, my longest ever - and mostly, feeling I was gaining that inner strength and serenity for which we all long. Even those first two slips, nearly 3 weeks apart, I'd genuinely felt I was able to move past quickly. Both of them had my sister Sue's stern yet encouraging support to do just that, as well as from people in AA and my wonderful GP.
I stayed sober another four or five days after the news of her death. ie. eight days after the second 'pick up'. I continued going to meetings, talking, seeing my GP, meditating, etc etc...but every few days, began drinking again. in the afternoon / early evening only. But once that brain-switch has really switched, combined with emotional turmoil.... the progression took over, despite my herculean efforts every morning or into the early afternoon. I say none of this as 'reasons', 'excuses', 'rationalisations' - and certainly not denial. I describe it simply as we all have known, how it goes.
If I had not picked up that first drink a few weeks before the impact of this death came slamming in....I wouldn't need to be writing on grief AND relapse. I would be writing, as so many have done and continue to, on grief in sobriety.
Clementina pointed to a key - and confounding though obvious - insight I've already experienced: that, for some of us at least: drinking on grief or other major loss actually enables us to feel and cry / sob/ wail. Well, I'll speak just for me anyway. I truly don't know anymore which is 'more genuine'. I'm part Irish, a few generations back, combined with English. I've long been aware that I'm prone to that old experience of 'getting maudlin' or 'crying in your cups'. I'm especially aware that in the my later years after so long being on SSRIs for depression and anxiety, that these damn drugs commonly blunt our ability to cry, express emotion, etc. So I've almost - perhaps sub consciously - resorted, without wanting it, to drinking in order to grieve.
I also have writer's block when I'm sober for a while too. Similar thing. Both 'lacks' drive me nuts - upset me.
Having said all this - I know I have to get sober again, and as soon as possible. I do want to get sober again, and re-start my sober living days. I just can't do that today, tomorrow, maybe even Saturday. Please try to hang in there with me, and I hope I'm not infuriating you. I'm infuriating myself enough.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Important disclaimer for newcomers
Please, any first timers to this whole world of getting and staying sober: I do NOT wish you to feel disheartened or excused in your own journey.
If anything, take in what is said in threads like this one as a kind of substantive 'learning' [I hate that word but it has its purposes] from those of us who have already enjoyed sobriety living, and yet who still sometimes battle really hard.
Take out message? Never, ever give up, on trying again and again or for however long it takes. Hopefully it won't take you as long as some like me.
Blessings
If anything, take in what is said in threads like this one as a kind of substantive 'learning' [I hate that word but it has its purposes] from those of us who have already enjoyed sobriety living, and yet who still sometimes battle really hard.
Take out message? Never, ever give up, on trying again and again or for however long it takes. Hopefully it won't take you as long as some like me.
Blessings
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Just before I go for one of many naps (have to do them, even when sober):
I'll leave it to Dee or one of the other mods to decide if this thread should be moved to Grief and Loss, or not.
Thanks. ps Dee love your latest pic of sitting surrounded by screens - you could be a day trader in another life (but without all that dough) :-)
I'll leave it to Dee or one of the other mods to decide if this thread should be moved to Grief and Loss, or not.
Thanks. ps Dee love your latest pic of sitting surrounded by screens - you could be a day trader in another life (but without all that dough) :-)
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
I think you might have actually missed Clementina's point Vic - yes drinking enables us to cry but for me those tears weren't healing, they allowed me to wallow and splash around in my pain.
Like I said, I was in a holding pattern.
I lost a very dear friend to cancer a few years back. Then several SR friends. I cried sober. It was very different, shorter, and far more meaningful process. I felt growth.
The best way I can put it - and I'm sorry if it's clumsy or blunt - I cried more for them, & not so much for me.
D
Like I said, I was in a holding pattern.
I lost a very dear friend to cancer a few years back. Then several SR friends. I cried sober. It was very different, shorter, and far more meaningful process. I felt growth.
The best way I can put it - and I'm sorry if it's clumsy or blunt - I cried more for them, & not so much for me.
D
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Vic, same as Dee... when I drank over my mom I was bathing myself in wine and pain, wallowing, really.
Facing it sober was healing. The moment I was sober... I'm talking days, the first few days I cried so much I got most of my grieving over in the first month as compared to three years of drunken "grieving" that kept me sort of locked up inside myself, raging.
Do whatever you can to put down the alcohol and get some support, maybe a bereavement group.
Facing it sober was healing. The moment I was sober... I'm talking days, the first few days I cried so much I got most of my grieving over in the first month as compared to three years of drunken "grieving" that kept me sort of locked up inside myself, raging.
Do whatever you can to put down the alcohol and get some support, maybe a bereavement group.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: South Bay, So Cal
Posts: 6,122
My deepest sympathies for the loss of your sister bemyself. My brother committed suicide this last April, he did not seek help for his alcoholism. I just wanted you to know that your post here touched my heart. You are not alone. We really do all grieve in our own way. Please stay close to those in your program, allow them to be of service to you my friend. It helps you and them during this painful time.
Hugs & love to you.
Bobbi
Hugs & love to you.
Bobbi
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