Kboys

Hello-
This is my first time posting here... I'm usually over in the Friends and Family forum, but was hoping for some insight from RA's...
My AH stopped drinking over six weeks ago, except for a one-day "slip". He has not been to any AA meetings nor is he doing any other type of programs and has no outside support.
He is doing quite well, from my perspective. In the past, when he has stopped drinking for periods of time, he always seemed irritated and agitated, and I could see the tension building in him, and then he would be right back to it.
I don't see that in him this time. He is mostly calm, patient with the kids, and kind and loving with me like he used to be.
When I have asked him about AA, he says he "doesn't need it" and that he doesn't feel like drinking, so why should he go to AA?


So my question is, is it possible/likely to stay sober long-term without AA?
Anyone have experience with this?

Thank you

MinWild1985

I am at 91 days sober. No program, simple will power and websites like Sober Recovery. Not saying this works for everyone but it is possible. I believe it all comes down to personal responsibility.

LexieCat

Sure, there are quite a few people on the forum who are happily sober long-term without AA. AA HAS been known to work when nothing else will. For people who need that type of program to give up drinking, it's terrific.

Personally, I think most alcoholics who stay successfully and happily sober without AA make some of the same internal changes that the Steps are intended to bring about. Maybe they are doing it without formal step work, but they look at who they are, what they have done, make efforts to right any wrongs that were done due to their drinking (and not continue those same behaviors in sobriety).

Justincredible

I agree, recovery is not a "one size fits all" type of thing.

Everybody has their own recovery and what works for them.

For me I have experienced sobriety with AA and without, and I know many people with quality long term sobriety who do not go to AA.

desypete

sadly i went 15 years sober without aa i say sadly as i wish i never picked up that drink again as what it lead me to was a path of destruction and hurt for all around me

i was just 23 when i first went to aa as my drinking was a huge problem for me as i drank on the weekends and got hammered drunk to the point that i would never know what i was doing and wake up the next day having caused all sorts of shameful embarrassing things
i was ending up in courts time and time again for my drunkeness it was all so unlike me for how i was living sober
as i never went around wanting to fight people or make a fool out of myself in public yet put a drink in me and i would want to drink without stopping until i was so hammered drunk and then be in a state that my mind just would do anything and say anything etc

when sober i never have once done anything wrong that would warrent police action or courts etc

so with all this mess i had tried drs and they didnt have a clue why i behaved like i did
i thought may if i see a shirnk and he hypnotizes me it might drag out some buired thing that would remove this demon that is inside of me that comes out when i drink
but that didnt work
i tried to control my drinking so that i couldnt get drunk but nothing ever worked for me

then i went into aa and i found others like me there i got all the answered i ever needed and more for aa but sadly i only stuck around for about 3 years

i got a good job and made a lot of money so i didnt need aa anyone as my life was good i was married and we ended up with 5 kids i started my own small business up as well and my life had really turned itself around from that drunken fool i was and all because i knew in my heart what a gamble taking one drink would be for me

like i said sadly after 15 years i tried just 1 drink and i never got drunk, so i tried it again only this time i tried to drink 2 drink and bingo i never got drunk

at last i thought i can now drink normally, only after a year i ended up getting picked up for drunk and disordely
i soon made excuses for it as no harm was done really it was just a one off until it happend agian
by this time i had forgotton all that aa had told me and i was now back in that battle of trying to control drink again

on and on this went until just 8 years later from picking up that first drink i ended up having been back to prison a couple of time, my kids taken away and put into care, as both me and the mum were unfit to look after them thanks to drink, i lost my business, i lost all my money, i lost the home and lost my ex wife, i ended up on my own in a flat that was given to me by a chairty home thing

how did i end up in that mess when everything in life was going so well ?

simple i picked up that first drink again and i had no chance

so for me i have been 10 years sober now thank to aa yet again coming to my rescue, i have my kids back and been a single parent dad for the last 9 years, i have work again and earning but the difference is for me this time is i still keep on going to aa and try to live this new way of life

i am never again going to be so foolish as to think i can manage this on my own again not for someone like me i just can not do it as my history proves what will happen to me if i do

i have to much to lose again for such a gamble so for me i stick close to aa and its not much i have to give out of my life for such a reward, but that is just for me how others do it is there own affair
but i had to learn about me the hard way and lose it all other might have better luck than me who knows ?

bigsombrero

I think everyone should keep an open mind. Don't assume that someone should rush to AA if they have a drinking problem...but don't assume "I don't need it" either. Whatever works, keep doing it.

As for his little "slip" that lasted a whole day, I hope he keeps an eye on himself and makes sure to assess the boat for any leaks that might sink him down the road. If he's going to commit to living the rest of his life sober, and he's "slipping" just a couple weeks into the game, it might be time to seal those cracks. Every good recovery is built on a solid foundation.

least

I'm coming up on five years sober and have done it with the help of my addiction counselor and this site.

Kboys

Thank you for the responses
AH says that moving out of the house and being away from the kids and I made him realize he wants to be with us, and knows he can't drink and be with us too... Seems too easy and too to be true I guess... but maybe I'm just overthinking it.
I guess I would feel better if he were to share some great epiphanies that he has had, or some insight into his drinking, but he has not.
No individual or marriage counseling, no SR, no AA.
The things that he blamed his drinking on when he was drinking have not changed. The babies still won't sleep in their own beds, his job still sucks, he still had a hard childhood, our house still needs repair, and I still do not have time to have wild sex with him multiple times per day. I do know this was all just quacking, but I just wonder, from his perspective, since nothing has changed, why should I believe he won't go back to drinking, without some form of support?

I asked him that, and he didn't get it. "What do you mean nothing has changed? I'm not drinking, and I feel good, isn't that what you wanted?"

I guess I should just worry about my own recovery and not his, but, I don't know, I just feel like I'm missing something. Can it really just be that easy?

"As for his little "slip" that lasted a whole day, I hope he keeps an eye on himself and makes sure to assess the boat for any leaks that might sink him down the road. If he's going to commit to living the rest of his life sober, and he's "slipping" just a couple weeks into the game, it might be time to seal those cracks. Every good recovery is built on a solid foundation. "

Yes, and that, the "slip". That part definitely makes me worry

awuh1

I can understand your concerns. Most people who attempt to quit drinking are unsuccessful in their first attempts. Many, however, eventually find a way to stop that does not involve AA. I don't know if your husband will be one of these or not. He certainly seems to think he can do it on his own.

If his drinking causes you sufficient concern, you might want to ask him to commit to some sort of method or program, if in the future, he is unable to do it all on his own. Whatever he chooses to do, it would be wise to do it differently next time.

Lusher

Hey Justincredible-

Actually, I was able to stop thus far without AA or anything else for over a year. I do participate in this form on a regular basis, although I had been sober for over a year before I even joined. I do find that participating in here really helps me stay focused. I was not even ready to stop when I did, so being involved in here is a huge support for me, as well as a reminder to me just how bad off I was, via reading other similar stories.

In my case however, although I was a very heavy drinker, I was 'scared straight' into stopping. I had a blood test and learned that my liver was in fact being damaged and I had to stop ASAP before permanent damage occurred. Through this scare, I was able to develop the mindset that drinking at all is no longer an option- period.

So, yes it is possible, however I do feel that you also have to reinvent your lifestyle to help as well. Simply living the same way, just without drinking, might make stopping a bit more difficult. I know it would have for me.


Lusher

Gottalife

I am always astonished by the claim "I know dozens of alcoholics who have happy long term sobriety without AA" The big question is how do you come to meet them all? In over 34 years active in AA, carrying the message to detox, working with community services, I have never met a single one.

I can take you tothe treatment centres and lock up wards and introduce you to dozens of alcoholics trying to prove they don't need AA, I could even introduce you to one who was a big fan of rational recovery, on his 13 th admission, but he is not with us anymore.

I am happy to accept the medical view that many problem drinkers sort themselves out without AA, and the rare spontaneous recoveries of chronic alcoholics, but I have never met a chronic alcoholic who did it on his own, even though I have met hundreds who tried.

They may exist, sure, but if they do, they seem to keep to themselves. They certainly don't broadcats their alcoholism.

freshstart57

Most people, about 75%, who were dependent on alcohol and then quit drinking do so without a formal recovery program.

Can it be 'that easy' to quit? I don't know about easy, but it can certainly be that simple.

Maybe your husband has come to understand that it is not the restless babies or the stressful job, or the house in need of repair that causes drinking. It is a maladaptive response to stress that really only makes stress and the things that cause it to become worse. It is a choice that can be reviewed and changed. There are all sorts of things we cannot change, but we most certainly can change the way we perceive them and react to them.

I know that not all of us share that experience, but it is mine, and certainly could be his. I expect that those who have quit drinking like this are simply too busy with successful and fulfilling lives. They may, as some do, feel that they have no alcoholism to broadcast, and if there is alcoholism that needs broadcasting it is best left to others.

LexieCat

Um, maybe look around you here on the forum? There are plenty of people right here, who were as screwed up as most of the alcoholics I've met in AA, who got sober without it. Not to say that they didn't have support, and as far as I know AA has never claimed to have a corner on spiritual awakenings.

freshstart57

Are you saying that you think you might find one if you looked there? I don't understand. Why would there be any there at all? Wouldn't an AA meeting or a drunk tank be the last place to look for someone sober without AA?

Hawks

Some people get tired of drinking and just quit.

Some people need a program.

Unfortunately only time will tell which your husband is.

I tried for about 7 years to quit under my own steam.

You name it, I tried it.

Including rational recovery.

Finally realised I wasn't one of the people that could just quit and joined the AA program.

Things have been completely different from then on.

Gottalife

What I said was that I have never met one. How do you meet them? Read the posts here. Medical detox is discussed and recommended to almost every new arrival, so I would expect that I would meet some who recover without AA through detox simply because they have to detox.

On this site I haven't noticed that many. I have noticed a few sobriety discount shoppers who took what they could from AA to get started, but we're unwilling to pay full price. I'll use the AMA guideline of stable recovery being minimum of five years continuous abstinence.

Are you suggesting that 75% of chronic alcoholics recover on their own? Where do you get such a statistic? Have you met them all? Why would there be any need at all for AA?

Once again, I accept large numbers of problem drinkers get well on their own, the experts tell me that. Perhaps you can tell me where I would find all these self recovered types. As far as I know they don't advertise. To date I have not met a single one.

Carlotta

My Godfather has over 3 decades sober and has never gone to AA. He was a really bad drunk and a coke addict until he ended up hospitalized and almost died. He has been sober ever since and has what I would call quality recovery: he is a very nice spiritual family man who has held the same job forever: no at all a "dry drunk".

Coldfusion

Drinking was only a symptom of my problems. When I was ready for a solution for life, I went to AA.

Have you considered Al Anon?

Gottalife

Accidental double.

Soberpotamus

Look up Anne Fletcher's book, Sober For Good. She answers these questions.