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I am going back on the wagon

Old 11-22-2014, 01:30 AM
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tes
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I am going back on the wagon

Hello. I am not a stranger to this forum. I have yet again decided to try and stop the madness caused by my drinking. I am not sure how long it will last, but at least I am trying again.
I woke up this morning and was shaking a bit and dry heaving, horrible diarrhea, etc. Ive been drinking on an empty stomach for a few days now straight, from when I get up to when I fall down. I finally got my doctor to perscribe me a benzodiazepine in which I am also addicted to, however it helps me to get sobered up. I will have to stop taking it soon. I have been taking it for 6 years now and my mind will go into complete chaos, panic, and shutdown when I run out of them abruptly, which leads me back to drinking again, full circle. It literally is a living hell. However, I do not wish to give up. This has to be the 50th time ive told myself that I am done with the drink with some sincerity, but it never seems to last. I am living with my parents now and have been for a year and a half, and I am in my mid 30s now and I relized today how old and frail they are becoming. It sickens me to look at myself in the mirror as pathetic I have become. I am married to a good woman who is living with us also, but I wonder for how much longer. I cant hold down a job anymore, in debt up to the ceiling, have no car now and wont have a license and possibly my freedom for much longer either. One fine mess I have created here. However, I just cannot give up fighting to attempt to live a genuine life that has a purpose and not be such a burden to all of the ones around me. Anyhow, this is day 1, again - 11/22/14
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Old 11-22-2014, 01:52 AM
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I think you could use a more comprehensive plan for withdrawal, which includes both alcohol and benzos. This might require some painful honesty with your physician but better that than the endless cycle you are now in.

I would also suggest some other regular support group, program or method that others have used successfully, in order to improve your chances of success in the long term.

All the best to you.
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Old 11-22-2014, 02:03 AM
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Welcome back Tes - I hope you can make this your turning point

D
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Old 11-22-2014, 02:04 AM
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I would get help with it-going to someone to ask for help was the most humiliating thing I've ever done(sober at least!) but the best. Keep going!
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Old 11-22-2014, 02:04 AM
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Thanks. I need to get in touch with the treatment center I was in and let them help me get off of the klonopin. The case worker there told me that they would and it would be no cost. However, they are so booked up with appts that it takes months to see the dr there. Ive burnt so many bridges that I am not sure who I can talk to about it anymore, or what would actually work to get me off of them that is non narcotic. I have paxil, which I never take, as it makes me feel like a zombie. I do have a severe anxiety disorder that needs to be addressed, but it cannot involve addicting highly controlled meds though.
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Old 11-22-2014, 05:12 AM
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don't ever give up tes. there is nothing better you can do for yourself. it may take some time to see the benefits and experience the feelings of removing yourself from the alcohol and pills, but it is sooooo worth it.

have you tried AA? there is so much strength, hope and courage there.
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Old 11-22-2014, 05:17 AM
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Wishing you well, Tes.
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Old 11-22-2014, 05:48 AM
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Good luck. I am at almost to a month now. I have been tempted each weekend but I just tell myself I don't want to go back to being full of toxic metals and junk from alcohol and suffer for 4 days from a couple nights of so called fun.

So I don't drink whether I am smiling or not. I can honestly feel my body detoxing in cycles and i don't want to disrupt it anymore.

Find a reason to quit and cling onto it.
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Old 11-22-2014, 11:53 AM
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From my experience, detoxing does come in cycles also. 1st there is the physical wd which is horrible, but it does not end there. After that there is the mental wd to deal with, which is hard and lasts for an extended period. I can usually get past the physical, but the mental is where I break. Even after nearly a month of being sober it is still there. Unless I have some kind of crutch to get me though it all then that impulse to drink will always return and I feel depressed and all of the time and cant think straight. Compared to others, I suppose I am weak minded and willed. I do not like to feel real emotion, as I have been numbed from it for so long that it puts much fear and sadness into me that I just cant handle most of the time. I don't know if antidepressants can help this or not, maybe I just have not found the right one yet or will not fully give the paxil a chance to do its work correctly, at least until I am able to get past it a lot of it. Anyway, Thanks for the replies. I am considering the AA approach again but I will need to deal with these defects of character 1st I believe.
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Old 11-22-2014, 12:07 PM
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Originally Posted by tes View Post
I am considering the AA approach again but I will need to deal with these defects of character 1st I believe.
I think it would be a good idea to go with AA right now. As you know, you have much to deal with in the future. Make a commitment, get connected, and stay there.
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Old 11-22-2014, 12:14 PM
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Hi Tes nice to meet you
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Old 11-22-2014, 12:19 PM
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I hope you are successful this time.
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Old 11-22-2014, 12:23 PM
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Thanks, least. I am going to "ween" myself off of the klonopin. My dr gave me a 30 day supply of 2mg. I took the full 2 last night as I was not in good shape, just took 1mg and will continue to take it at 1mg for a couple weeks or so until I feel like I can go down to .5, then .25 and see how that works getting off of those. They are helping me considerably with the alcohol wd, but I also have to battle with getting off of those. I will also start taking the paxil 10mg starter dose tomorrow and see how it will work at the same time. I never had much of a problem stopping those except for those weird zaps that go down my body, but I can handle that If I ever need to stop them. I am not saying this is the approach for anyone else, but this is what I think might work to kick both the booze and the benzos. As I have said I am considering AA, but I feel embarrassed to go in there after all of the times that I have come and gone.
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Old 11-22-2014, 06:32 PM
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Go back. They'll just be glad you're there.
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Old 11-23-2014, 11:19 AM
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I see you joined here in 2007 and you are averaging about 5 posts a year. And you're not sure you want to go to AA yet.

So what is your plan? It's hard to get sober by yourself.
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Old 11-23-2014, 11:43 AM
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Don't look at it as "on the wagon" because if you get back in you might just fall again. Look at it instead as a complete lifestyle change for the best and proceeds from there and like Least said, don't be embarrassed to get back to AA. The people there will be glad to see you and will do their best to help.
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Old 11-23-2014, 12:41 PM
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tes
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I just don't post much, but I visit occasionally and read other ppls posts and struggles. I have been to AA a lot of times. I will probably start going back next week depending on what the holiday brings. Getting sober I can usually do (with the help of medication), its just staying sober that is the problem. I am starting to feel better now physically. I havent had a drink since Friday afternoon (21st). I am doing what I said, taking 1mg of the klonopin (taking half of 2mg) when I wake up and so far it seems to be taking a lot of the edge off.. No big cravings, I am able to eat and sleep a little better now. Checking my blood pressure and taking my bp meds as directed. I started the starter dose of paxil last night. However, I havent had anything to stress me out or make me overly anxious over the past couple of days, which has always been a big trigger for me to crave alcohol. So far, so good though. I just hope that I can finally free myself off of the benzos aswell as the alcohol.
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Old 11-23-2014, 12:42 PM
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I'm on day 1 too, let's try this together. I've made a fine mess too, we all have, otherwise we wouldn't be here
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Old 11-23-2014, 12:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Jsbodhi View Post
I'm on day 1 too, let's try this together. I've made a fine mess too, we all have, otherwise we wouldn't be here
This is true
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Old 11-23-2014, 07:41 PM
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Keep trying tes, were here for ya!
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