CallMeButch

Hey everyone. Quickly approaching 10 days sober here and while this has been the most aggressive and thoughtful self-initiated sobriety I had experienced so far, it has also been the most difficult in terms of external life events. I am currently living in my home with my soon-to-be-ex wife and our roommate/my former best friend/her new boyfriend. To say that things are tense and stressful at home is an understatement. While I'm the one who made the decision to leave the marriage (she wanted us to have an open relationship, with our roommate as a triad... yeah, no thanks), I'm also very, very sad that it is finally coming to an end. Truthfully, our relationship has been bad from the get-go but I'm just coming out of years of manipulation, emotional/verbal/physical abuse, and isolation caused by my wife. Getting sober for close to 9 months earlier this year made me realize how horrible and co-dependent our relationship has been.

Anyways! While there is a lot of bad history and resentment on my end of things, I still can't shake the feeling of overwhelming sorrow and disappointment with the way things are ending. It isn't fair that I'm being made out to be the bad guy; she said "You're the one who is choosing to end this marriage, not me." It isn't fair that after all the years of abuse and harm she caused me that she gets to leave with half of the house and a new man in tow... I should be the one rubbing it in her face. Ok... so I'm really talking like an alcoholic now. Honestly, I do just want her to be happy and I want serenity. But its just hard right now.

I need to be looking for jobs but I can barely concentrate for any length of time. I should be actively looking for roommates and contacting people who have seemed interested in sharing my house with me but I keep getting major anxiety over using the telephone. Even though I know that ending this marriage and moving forward with my life is exactly what I need, it is also completely wearing me down and I just don't know how make things better. I talk with my sponsor, I pray, I go to meetings every day, and get numbers and actually call people. I'm doing my damnedest to put on a good face and try to move forward but it just isn't enough. I'm scared of not finding a job and losing my house. I'm just really scared about a lot of things in my life right now and it sucks.

I keep telling myself that things will get better once my wife and replacement move out. Its nice to think anyways but then I'm afraid I will feel even worse once I'm all alone. Its like I know exactly what I need to do but I just can't bring myself to do it. Get a full-time job, call debtors to ask for some leniency, and finish paperwork for financial aid to go back to school next semester. I know I need to do these things but I just can't get myself to do it. I don't know if its denial, depression, or something else entirely. Ahhhh... I just don't know. Someway, somehow I just need to find my motivation.

Ptcapote

Hi Butch, thanks for your post. Wow, you've got a not-so-awesome situation going on at home and it is completely understandable that you're seriously stressed. Who wouldn't be? I had to live with a long-term ex (not a husband and not in that situation that you're facing) many years ago and it was not at all pleasant no matter how hard we tried. I have come to believe, in my experience, that there is no "being nice" until you've had some time to separate yourself and your emotions from the situation. Especially if you've got co-dependency issues going on, you're going to stay stuck in that ugly blame-anxiety-depression cycle until you move on.

While I don't have any expert advice for you on everything you've got going on, I do have a piece of wisdom that worked for me long ago. Stop snowballing things. I know it is almost impossible not to, especially when things look so insurmountable, but it's really the only way to handle it.

So, first, maybe work on getting out of your living situation. THEN deal with the job, THEN deal with the debt, THEN the school, THEN...

As addicts and alcoholics, we are prone to awfulize anyway and throw everything together into one big pile of "terrible." If we make ourselves tackle one thing at a time, however, suddenly things get a lot easier to cope with. For me, when I stopped drinking, although I didn't have your living situation going on, I did have a mile long list of other things I had ignored and every time I thought about them, I had a panic attack. And I got immobilized. So I made a list and forced myself (with support from my sponsor and friends) to tackle just one thing a week. Maybe not solve it, but start. Just one.

I'm 21 months sober today and while there are still some things on my list, it is down to a few items from dozens and dozens. Every time I checked one thing off the list, the next time was easier.

You should probably work on getting out of your living situation first. Don't worry about the blame or the "who's at fault," or the other dynamics. I think, although you're scared of being alone, you will find it much easier to breathe and begin to put your life back in order once you have some space. You cannot solve chaos in the midst of it. Seriously.

Stay close to your program and your sponsor, and try to make a bit of an effort to socialize or call some of the folks in your fellowship you like or find something in common with. The distraction will help and you never know, you might find more support than you ever imagined once you open up and reach out a bit. That was true for me, even when I was 99% immobilized and overwhelmed.

You can totally do this, just one thing at a time.

Please continue to post and lean on SR, too. God only knows, this is one of the most invaluable lifelines in my toolbox.

Breathe. Hugs to you.

buyingisbad

Damn dude. Sorry about your position you are in. Even totally sober you are going to have stress let alone drinking.

I'd kick that dude out of the house and maybe she will follow him.

But back to alcohol I can't see it doing you any good now. And if you get drunk and really mad you could end up with a bad scene.

Stay cool, sober and wise. Keep to yourself and make them think you got yourself under control and don't need them.

I knew a dude who lived with another dude and a women. They both had sex with her at different times and had separate relationships with her. But it was full of drama, jealousy, and anxiety for him. She seems to be trying to drag you into that.... and it sounds like you want no part of it so stand your ground.

Dee74

I think it's normal to grieve the end of any long term relationship - even a troubled, or toxic relationship.

Living with your wife and her new bf cannot be great for you either, man.
Are they planning to move, like, soon?

Maybe that can be motivation for you to press ahead with the room-mate thing ASAP?


Don't be afraid of solitude.

I was, but I actually grew to like having my space.

These days I have the best of both worlds - an active social life, but my own time too.

Have you got friends you can be with who also support your recovery? or a recovery group? a counsellor? all those things may help

I hope you'll come to see this, not as an end, but a beginning

D

CallMeButch

Thanks for the good vibes and advice everyone. Ptcapote, special thanks to your advice of not snowballing things. I guess I've been so caught up in my own misery that I didn't even realize that is what I've been doing. Its like a light bulb went off when I read that, lol!

I told my wife that she has 3 months to get her finances together and find a new place. Supposedly she has been looking at apartments and is looking to move before Christmas. I certainly hope so. I'd prefer to start off the New Year without all that bad energy in my house. So, there is that. Also, a few people on CraigsList have responded to my ad for a roommate and couple seem like potentially good fits. One is even sober and active in recovery like me. I'm hoping she will work out, as I'd like to have a non-drinker living with me (which I made clear in my ad).

After I made this post last night I got in bed and worked on meditating and prayed... A LOT. It seemed to help some. I'm also very lucky and fortunate that I'm working on my relationship with my family and for the most part they are being very supportive. I also have a great circle of friends who are very receptive to helping me through this situation. Its a tall order some days but I am doing all I can to stay positive and look for the good there is in live every day. Things will get better with time and hard work. I just have to make sure I'm actively putting in the effort.

I'm not really afraid of being single, so much as I'm afraid of just feeling lonely. Does that even make sense? Bachelor life suits me, as I very much like my independence and alone time (that was always a struggle in my marriage). However, I'm just used to always having someone around when I'm home. And someone to call when I need to talk, even if I didn't exactly fully trust or even like my wife at times, at least she was physically (though rarely emotionally) there when I needed someone. Its going to be a very trying and I'm sure weird adjustment but I am mentally preparing to deal with the discomfort when it comes.

Thanks for all the support here. It means a lot to me these days.

gaffo

Man, I hate to jump into these kind of situations but I just have to say That Woman has GOT to GO! Lordy, Lordy! Stay sober, get a dog if you need someone around at home, seriously. My best friend and business partner just finished a divorce from a situation very much like yours (except she had a baby with the other man!!). Some people are so toxic that it just defies belief. It sucks for a while but it's so much better when it's over.

hopeful4

That is one crazy living situation! Wow...

You need out of that mess ASAP. Divorce is a grief process, let yourself go through it. The good thing about grief is that is has a beginning...and an end. Just let yourself go through those feelings and deal with them a moment at a time.

Best thing you can do for yourself, sobriety!

biminiblue

Alone. You are worse than alone in the situation you are in.

There are way worse things than living/being alone.

I suggest a tabby cat or a Cocker Spaniel. Both have worked for me in the past.

Gilmer

I will certainly be praying for you to break out of this utter misery, Butch. What a rough spot you're in, but it sounds like you're already beginning to put one foot in front of the other. Keep it going at whatever pace you can manage.

The sooner they're gone, the more at peace you will be! Loneliness with peace is a whole lot better than loneliness without peace!

zjw

sounds like your overwhelmed. When i'm in situations like that i'v elearned I have to STOP worrying about crap i cannot control and only concern myself with the things that I cant control. And yes for me this has required me to do unthinkable things (IE i once didnt pay credits for I dunno 8 months and it didnt phase me) I had to just let stuff go so that i could take care of the things that I could take care of 1 step at a time.

In the meantime just breathe relax and when you feel the urge tackle something you can tackle then relax again breathe again and tackle something else you can tackle.

You cant eat an elephant all in one bite but you can one bite at a time. And sometimes you just gotta let some go.

Chrysalides

Man, 3 months is quite generous! Just remember that you do not owe her anything. YOU are your first priority. That said, I am sorry you are going through so much stress this early in your sobriety. Alone time might turn out to be the best thing for you. You'll be able to live exactly as you wish, healthily and peacefully. I'll be thinking of you.

CallMeButch

Great news folks! I found a potential roommate. In fact, I'm about to write a post about it and need advice on the situation. So if you enjoyed reading and advising on this situation then know that there is even more to come! Lol.

readerbaby71

It's perfectly normal to grieve your relationship. Once they're gone you will still be sad but it will be easier to detach and heal. I'm sorry you're hurting.

LexieCat

Sorry you are in such a crazy situation at the moment. I think EVERYONE would agree you will feel better once they are out of there. You sound like an extremely patient person.

I wouldn't worry too much about feeling lonely. In my experience, being in a bad relationship is a lot lonelier than actually living by yourself. I've gotten to where I LOVE living by myself, and have purposely not gotten into any relationships since the last one ended almost 10 years ago. If I feel like being around people I go out with friends, go to an AA meeting, or go do something fun on my own. I've taken my first trip to Europe in the past couple of years, taken a motorcycle-riding class (which I did lousy at but I tried it), work at an awesome job with lots of travel and no one whose schedule I need to accommodate, listen to music or watch TV when *I* want to, and on and on. No downside for me. Give it a chance, you might find you love it.

Congrats on your sober time!!

Eauchiche

A good friend of mine, a long time AAer, told me last week when I was stewing about a life change decision:
"Ah, the human condition. We regret the past and worry about the future. God is here right now, TODAY."
Man, it took all the stress right off me.

With this being Friday night, I always miss going home to my mate. I work 2-1/2 hours away. I miss him terribly-the healthier him before the alcoholism got worse.

Tonight, though, I am thankful to be sober. I am thankful for a warm roof over my head and supper in the oven. Most of all, I am thankful for God, who can more than watch out for my mate.

All the best to you! You will be fine!