clean up your act and others see you as arrogant
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clean up your act and others see you as arrogant
since you cleaned up your act do others see you as arrogant? I have some people in my life who feel i'm not this arrogant self rightous person since I've lost weight i exercise eat healhty dont drink dont smoke etc...
Some people are happy with my changes. But my relationships have been damaged with others.
Sure part of the problem could be me. while many like the new me some people hate the new me. I imagine some people hate the new me becuase they feel crummy about themselves. But there might be some truth to what they say as well maybe I am self rightous and arrogant.
On such person who has this problem with me is my wife. I feel like she wants me back in the pit with her to validate her own bad habits etc... but I dont want to get back in that pit i dont ant to feel that way. But its near impossible for me to say the right thing no matter what i say it seems like she twists my words. To the point where I question what i just said sometimes thinking gosh maybe I did say it in a bad way and i'm going crazy????
Then there are others that like the new me like what i have to say etc...
Anyone else have issues with this? I sometimes feel like I'm not wrong here and that she is or that these other folks are. But at the same time I dont want to rule out the fact that i have some responsibility and blame here.
I feel like i'm walking on eggshells tho around my wife and others and no matter what i say or how well i try and word it it comes out all wrong. or at least they hear it not how i meant it by any means.
I read in the big book some of this is common. I'm tempted to suggest she get some support etc.. But there again that might be more me telling her how shes wrong and she certainly doesnt want to hear it no one does.
I told her its very lonely where i sit. I feel like a lot of people dont like me anymore.
I even told my one friend perhaps i should come home with a case of beer a pack of smokes and some ice cream and tell her i'm going back to my old ways maybe she'd love me again? I dunno and i knwo i'd be miserable if i did that.
I've honestly thought many times of gaining all my weight back on purpose just ot make her happy again. sad as that sounds.
Some people are happy with my changes. But my relationships have been damaged with others.
Sure part of the problem could be me. while many like the new me some people hate the new me. I imagine some people hate the new me becuase they feel crummy about themselves. But there might be some truth to what they say as well maybe I am self rightous and arrogant.
On such person who has this problem with me is my wife. I feel like she wants me back in the pit with her to validate her own bad habits etc... but I dont want to get back in that pit i dont ant to feel that way. But its near impossible for me to say the right thing no matter what i say it seems like she twists my words. To the point where I question what i just said sometimes thinking gosh maybe I did say it in a bad way and i'm going crazy????
Then there are others that like the new me like what i have to say etc...
Anyone else have issues with this? I sometimes feel like I'm not wrong here and that she is or that these other folks are. But at the same time I dont want to rule out the fact that i have some responsibility and blame here.
I feel like i'm walking on eggshells tho around my wife and others and no matter what i say or how well i try and word it it comes out all wrong. or at least they hear it not how i meant it by any means.
I read in the big book some of this is common. I'm tempted to suggest she get some support etc.. But there again that might be more me telling her how shes wrong and she certainly doesnt want to hear it no one does.
I told her its very lonely where i sit. I feel like a lot of people dont like me anymore.
I even told my one friend perhaps i should come home with a case of beer a pack of smokes and some ice cream and tell her i'm going back to my old ways maybe she'd love me again? I dunno and i knwo i'd be miserable if i did that.
I've honestly thought many times of gaining all my weight back on purpose just ot make her happy again. sad as that sounds.
Run to live... live to run
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Western Maryland
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You always need to look out before you first, before anyone else. Plain and Simple.
When I quit drinking, I told my friends that we could hang out, but not in any drinking scenarios. I think they thought I suddently felt better than them, because they never took my up on anything else, and I haven't seen them in years. Some people don't want to change, and it makes them take a deep, hard look at themself when someone makes a big change.
As I said. You need to do what's best for you and don't let anyone make you feel inferior for doing what's best for you.
When I quit drinking, I told my friends that we could hang out, but not in any drinking scenarios. I think they thought I suddently felt better than them, because they never took my up on anything else, and I haven't seen them in years. Some people don't want to change, and it makes them take a deep, hard look at themself when someone makes a big change.
As I said. You need to do what's best for you and don't let anyone make you feel inferior for doing what's best for you.
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deep, hard look at themself when someone makes a big change.
As I said. You need to do what's best for you and don't let anyone make you feel inferior for doing what's best for you.
As I said. You need to do what's best for you and don't let anyone make you feel inferior for doing what's best for you.
I think your right which is why i keep pressing forward regardless.
I read in a book recently how this sort of behaivior is selfish on there part or could be selfish on my part. Why should they deny me of my happiness for example why should I change my routine and deny myself of my happiness only to become what they want of me to become so that they can be happy only i'll then be unhappy. THey would not like it if i required that of them.
its not so bad with old friends or drinking buddies i can get past that. But with my wife and a couple other family members its frustrating.
I guess the age old you cant please everyone holds true but stings when its this close to home.
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it bothers me too because it has me checking myself all the time. did i come accross as condescending arrogant etc.. am i really like that? i take a long hard look at myself and maybe sometimes its warranted and maybe sometimes its not. But very few people have this issue with me. many others are mesmarized at my accomplishments and love to pick my brain for advice and tips.
deep down I really dont think I'm the one with the problem in this equation. But I do keep checking myself and it does end up maken me feel crummy when my wife seems to feel this way and its like nothing i can say or do will make it right.
she complained less about my drinking to be honest.
deep down I really dont think I'm the one with the problem in this equation. But I do keep checking myself and it does end up maken me feel crummy when my wife seems to feel this way and its like nothing i can say or do will make it right.
she complained less about my drinking to be honest.
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it bothers me too because it has me checking myself all the time. did i come accross as condescending arrogant etc.. am i really like that? i take a long hard look at myself and maybe sometimes its warranted and maybe sometimes its not. But very few people have this issue with me. many others are mesmarized at my accomplishments and love to pick my brain for advice and tips.
deep down I really dont think I'm the one with the problem in this equation. But I do keep checking myself and it does end up maken me feel crummy when my wife seems to feel this way and its like nothing i can say or do will make it right.
she complained less about my drinking to be honest.
deep down I really dont think I'm the one with the problem in this equation. But I do keep checking myself and it does end up maken me feel crummy when my wife seems to feel this way and its like nothing i can say or do will make it right.
she complained less about my drinking to be honest.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
it bothers me too because it has me checking myself all the time. did i come accross as condescending arrogant etc.. am i really like that? i take a long hard look at myself and maybe sometimes its warranted and maybe sometimes its not. But very few people have this issue with me. many others are mesmarized at my accomplishments and love to pick my brain for advice and tips.
deep down I really dont think I'm the one with the problem in this equation. But I do keep checking myself and it does end up maken me feel crummy when my wife seems to feel this way and its like nothing i can say or do will make it right.
she complained less about my drinking to be honest.
deep down I really dont think I'm the one with the problem in this equation. But I do keep checking myself and it does end up maken me feel crummy when my wife seems to feel this way and its like nothing i can say or do will make it right.
she complained less about my drinking to be honest.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Bay Area, Ca
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To be blunt, misery loves company. That's probably why your wife is acting this way. In a perfect world she would want to better herself after she's witnessed how well it's going for you. But humans are funny that way. I don't have any personal experience to share yet; if I stay well maybe I will...but I do hope you stay on your healthy path. Only that way can your relationships ever have the chance of being healthy. Hang in there.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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I am sorry you are going thru this. The only time I have really been annoyed by people is when they have become so self righteous, that I feel I cannot be myself around them, drinking or not. And let me just preface this by saying that I think AA is a wonderful program that has helped countless people. But there are still those that are convinced it is the only way to get sober, constantly use the commonly used terms in there, and for the love of god, PLEASE, do not refer to me as a dry dunk. It is so condescending.
So, in my book, if you are not doing these things, you are doing great. Keep it up. They are probably just threatened a bit.
So, in my book, if you are not doing these things, you are doing great. Keep it up. They are probably just threatened a bit.
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it can be simple like i'm sitting down munching a banana she walks into the kitchen helps herself to a bowl of ice cream. I think nothing of it she looks at me with that angry look in her eye "dont judge" she'll say. when I was thinking nothing of it seriously i was not even thinking anything of it. Im guilty before I even open my mouth of thought crime that i never even committed but try convincing her of this.
This is a dialog between her and I its a good example of what i deal with.
her: Yep. Like this level of nutjob is any better?
her: You aren't a fat drunk anymore but you turned into a self righteous judgmental *******.
me: i dunno i think you take it worse then it really is tho
me: i'm really the wrong person to give you any advice or antyhing about anything its never been received well from me
me: it doesnt matter how genlty i try and phrase it you take it all wrong so its like i just try not to say anything a lot of itmes
her: Oh I forgot. How you make me feel is invalid because you said I just take it wrong. Thanks for the reminder!
is it me does anyone else see how she just twisted what I was saying? its like this all the time it seems. I'm afraid to say anything because there is no telling how she'll twist my words.
I was not trying to point out how she feels is wrong just that no matter what I say she takes it wrong as in she takes it not how i meant it no matter how hard i tried.
Sometimes I gotta wonder if shes playing these games with me on purpose just to beat me down so i can feel crummy.
This is a dialog between her and I its a good example of what i deal with.
her: Yep. Like this level of nutjob is any better?
her: You aren't a fat drunk anymore but you turned into a self righteous judgmental *******.
me: i dunno i think you take it worse then it really is tho
me: i'm really the wrong person to give you any advice or antyhing about anything its never been received well from me
me: it doesnt matter how genlty i try and phrase it you take it all wrong so its like i just try not to say anything a lot of itmes
her: Oh I forgot. How you make me feel is invalid because you said I just take it wrong. Thanks for the reminder!
is it me does anyone else see how she just twisted what I was saying? its like this all the time it seems. I'm afraid to say anything because there is no telling how she'll twist my words.
I was not trying to point out how she feels is wrong just that no matter what I say she takes it wrong as in she takes it not how i meant it no matter how hard i tried.
Sometimes I gotta wonder if shes playing these games with me on purpose just to beat me down so i can feel crummy.
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It sounds like you have serious communication issues with your wife. She may have a lot of resentment and she seems to have issues with herself that she is projecting on you. Would she be open to couples counseling? Would you? I think it could help a lot.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Vashon WA
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I sometimes feel the same way with my wife, like she wishes that I was still halfway in the bag at all times again but then I remember that one of the reasons that I quit was because I thought I was losing her. I guess I'll never get it. You know what they say--"Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em!" I will never start drinking and smoking for anyone else!
Some of my friends are proud of what I've accomplished, some have moved along (good riddance) and a a couple have stabbed me in the back! My best friend quit with me. I guess it was a useful sorting out of things.
I think that the decision that we've made to grab ahold of ourselves and quit drinking and get in shape drives some people crazy. I felt like I was just doing what needed to be done but some people think that it was some kind of gargantuane undertaking, like I was trying to be some kind of superhero or something. They are threatened by this? As we know, drunk people make mountains out of molehills and blow things out of proportion and act just...crazy! Of course this makes me uncomfortable. I don't look at what I've done as anything special. I'm proud of myself and enjoying my sobriety but I don't deserve a medal or anyone's admiration for it!
We're still plodding along learning how to be sober people and how to use the clarity and power of sobriety for good in our lives. It's a pretty interesting journey, actually.
Some of my friends are proud of what I've accomplished, some have moved along (good riddance) and a a couple have stabbed me in the back! My best friend quit with me. I guess it was a useful sorting out of things.
I think that the decision that we've made to grab ahold of ourselves and quit drinking and get in shape drives some people crazy. I felt like I was just doing what needed to be done but some people think that it was some kind of gargantuane undertaking, like I was trying to be some kind of superhero or something. They are threatened by this? As we know, drunk people make mountains out of molehills and blow things out of proportion and act just...crazy! Of course this makes me uncomfortable. I don't look at what I've done as anything special. I'm proud of myself and enjoying my sobriety but I don't deserve a medal or anyone's admiration for it!
We're still plodding along learning how to be sober people and how to use the clarity and power of sobriety for good in our lives. It's a pretty interesting journey, actually.
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Sometimes confidence is misperceived as arrogance. Could that be the case with you and her?
I know there are times when I am truly arrogant, but in general, my sobriety has increase my self-confidence. My husband wasn't used to seeing me this way, and so this big change threw him at first. He sometimes thinks I'm arrogant when I am really just very confident.
I know there are times when I am truly arrogant, but in general, my sobriety has increase my self-confidence. My husband wasn't used to seeing me this way, and so this big change threw him at first. He sometimes thinks I'm arrogant when I am really just very confident.
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It sounds like you have serious communication issues with your wife. She may have a lot of resentment and she seems to have issues with herself that she is projecting on you. Would she be open to couples counseling? Would you? I think it could help a lot.
I would not know where to begin for counseling. we'd need someonet o watch the kids good luck with that. I told her today i wanted to take her out on a date we have not been out on a date in years. But we have no one to watch the kids. she then got angry with me that i would not trust a certain idividual. I said I probably could but would worry the whole time and that would not be enjoyable then she made it out like its all my fault now that we cant go out on a date. I felt bad because I do want to and i rbought this up so that she would know that i want too but then it blew up in my face.
So for counseling we'd have to figure out what to do with the kids. Then there is the financial aspect I cant afford to pay for it.
I have an adverson to it anyhow but I'd go and give it a whirl. She does not like admitting fault never has and doesnt like to be told shes wrong. If she has any fault at all i cant imagine that going over too well at all to be honest. It could be interesting tho.
I'm open to the idea but I dont think it would be easy to get us there.
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Well, for one thing, using "you" all the time is gonna **** anyone off. Whenever I get judgey, I always start things with "you."
Any time one partner makes big changes the other one is going to feel insecure. You dropped a bunch of weight, started a whole new exercise lifestyle - I'll bet it required a big chunk of time away from her. Maybe she feels threatened? Like that you are having an affair or are thinking of leaving her?
Any time I feel insecure, what I want is to be validated and to be told that things are okay, and that there is nothing to worry about and that my partner still loves me and is not thinking about leaving. I would be very insecure if my partner suddenly did a 180* in his habits and appearance. It's unnerving. Especially if I were over weight like your wife. Add to that a bunch of arguing and it's bound to be tense.
Unless you are thinking of leaving.
Any time one partner makes big changes the other one is going to feel insecure. You dropped a bunch of weight, started a whole new exercise lifestyle - I'll bet it required a big chunk of time away from her. Maybe she feels threatened? Like that you are having an affair or are thinking of leaving her?
Any time I feel insecure, what I want is to be validated and to be told that things are okay, and that there is nothing to worry about and that my partner still loves me and is not thinking about leaving. I would be very insecure if my partner suddenly did a 180* in his habits and appearance. It's unnerving. Especially if I were over weight like your wife. Add to that a bunch of arguing and it's bound to be tense.
Unless you are thinking of leaving.
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Sometimes confidence is misperceived as arrogance. Could that be the case with you and her?
I know there are times when I am truly arrogant, but in general, my sobriety has increase my self-confidence. My husband wasn't used to seeing me this way, and so this big change threw him at first. He sometimes thinks I'm arrogant when I am really just very confident.
I know there are times when I am truly arrogant, but in general, my sobriety has increase my self-confidence. My husband wasn't used to seeing me this way, and so this big change threw him at first. He sometimes thinks I'm arrogant when I am really just very confident.
I'm far from perfect but when you cant harp on someone for the age old stuff (drinking and smoking) its like they dont have many other big sins to guilt them over.
I reallyt hink she trys to guilt me and make me feel bad then she utilizes this to get her way.
I hate to think this way. But I really dont want to be arrogant either.
what has me scratching my head so much with her claims of my arrogance is that her and just one other person seem to strongly feelt his way about me. while the rest of the world does not. So i'm like umm is it me or is it them?
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I also wanted to add that over-analyzing stuff always gets me in trouble. Letting go of all the worry is part of recovery. Only person I can control is me. It's best when I don't try to mind-read what people are thinking about me.
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