Lautca

I quit drinking alcohol 17 years ago, but this isn't about me. I need information on resources, like Alanon, to help out the sober family members of an alcoholic dad with three teenage girls. The family is sick and getting worse. What's it to me? The mom is the daughter of a life-long buddy I grew up with who is as close as a brother. He's 66 and I'm 64.

First of all, I know you can't make people change, and I'm not asking how to change a drunk into a sober human being. What I want to know are what resources are available to help out my buddy's three teenage granddaughters, one of whom is showing signs of being molested by her drunken father (I worked doing counseling some years ago and have specific training for recognizing symptoms of molestation). The situation is the wife (my buddy's adult daughter) is in total denial about her husband's drinking, she believes his drinking is only a little now and then, that the two cars he smashed up in the last two years were because of deer running out in front of him and icy roads, the two recent arrests for drunk driving are from faulty blood alcohol tests at the hospital, and he can't hold down a job because of the bad economy. This guy is smart, he brews his own booze, so his wife doesn't have a clue how much he is drinking because the cost of making his own brew does not have enough financial impact to show up as a big monetary drain. The three daughters don't have a father in the home, they have a sullen, angry, irritable male who they have to walk on egg shells to keep from annoying; and their mother shows them no support by shielding them from his negative behavior. My buddy, who is the teenagers' grandfather, is their actual father-figure, and he spends as much time with them as possible. It is too bad my buddy and his wife can't take over and raise their granddaughters, my buddy and his wife were excellent parents, but they are in their late 60s and don't have the resources. It is too bad their own daughter made the all-too-common error of choosing for a husband a smooth-talking predatory male with handsome good looks and an exciting sociopathic personality over a MAN with common sense and responsibility. My buddy and his wife are willing to look into Alanon, and I have told them why they need to back-off from berating and belittling their alcoholic son-in-law in front of their granddaughters. I have explained that all the yelling and arguing in the world won't make their son-in-law sober, that has to come from within him. (I have read to them excerpts from "Alcoholics Anonymous" aka "The Blue Book"). But until this guy stops drinking or leaves, his three daughters, ages 13, 15, and 16, are getting badly damaged by his behavior, plus the 16 year old is showing classic signs of being molested by him, or somebody. I know enough to keep my nose out of it personally, but the sober family members need some kind of support. In my counseling job I never worked directly with alcoholism, so I don't have that as an information resource, and as far as using my own recovery from being a drunk as a resource, I simply quit drinking and was prescribed Darvacet, a mild prescription pain-reliever, for a brief time for my physical symptoms, and that was all there was to it, so I can't draw from my own experience with dealing with alcoholism because I WANTED to quit drinking plus I had no immediate family I was a big threat to. Any ideas on available resources out there to protect the kids and their mom are welcome, they are in Kalispell, Montana.
Lautca

biminiblue

Al Anon/Alateen

http://www.mt.al-anon.alateen.org/district1.asp

Soberwolf

Welcom to SR Laucta i know you say it isnt about you but 17 years sober is so awesome

Lautca

All right! Thanks guys! I knew about Alanon but had forgotten about Alateen for older kids. I've got to have a talk with my buddy to figure out the logistics of organizing help for them. Where they are at out in the boondocks of Montana the kids don't have the option of using city buses to get away from the house on their own to go to counseling/meetings. If the kids want to go into town, mom has to drive them and she's not about to do that plus their dad would know they are going somewhere and he wouldn't allow them to go to something like Alateen, he's a control freak. Its up to my buddy and his wife to supply transportation. From what I know about the alcoholic dad, he never was what I'd call a reasonable person when he was sober. Back 18 years ago before he became a full-time inebriate he was temperamental, sneaky, manipulative, and just plain difficult to be around. I'm all for him becoming sober, but after he's sober he's going to have to want to do a lot of work to finish growing up and resolve whatever issues he has of his own from his past.

Thanks for the kind words regarding my own 17 years of sobriety. I have known many people who were recovering from alcohol or other substance use, and I know just how darned difficult the struggle can be to stay sober. I was a "professional drunk" for somewhere around 22 years, at my peak I was drinking 1.75 liters of 80 proof vodka per day for a short time, but for the most part I drank a six pack of beer a day. When I quit drinking it was because I needed minor surgery for a basal cell carcinoma growth on my cheek that was interfering with my vision, and the surgeon told me he wouldn't do the surgery unless I came in sober. Luckily I was not drinking much at the time, so I quit and had the surgery done. I complained about the surgery pain along with the withdrawal symptoms to the surgeon, so he prescribed Darvacet for 14 days. When I had the stitches pulled out from the surgery I had 18 days of sobriety plus I had also quit smoking and I liked the way I felt, so I stayed sober and tobacco-free, and here I am 17 years later still a sober non-smoker. I don't take lightly the circumstances of how I happened to quit drinking and smoking; the combination of needing the surgery, the surgeon making demands on me to stop drinking and smoking for my own good so I'd heal up quickly without scarring, and the endorphin and nicotine replacement properties of the Darvacet giving me a window of opportunity to relatively painlessly quit drinking and smoking all at once was a hell of a gift I didn't question. The ease with which I regained sobriety is something I have hung onto for dear life because prior to the event of having the surgery done I had tried to stop drinking and smoking several times and had failed because the pain was more than I could stand. I had my sobriety painlessly handed to me on a silver platter, and I don't take that lightly. There are days when I'm sorely tempted to both drink and smoke, but what keeps me going sober and tobacco-free is remembering how darned awful it felt to go through days and days of withdrawal AND THEN FAIL. That I had a relatively pain-free withdrawal period is a real fluke that very likely won't be given to me again, so I leave sleeping dogs lie and just stay sober. But there is more to this story than that: Others have asked me what my secret is to staying sober, and it is that I WANT to be sober plus I made changes to my lifestyle and changed my attitude about life and how I relate to others so I no longer suffer from the pain I was using the alcohol to alleviate. I drank for some very real reasons and I worked HARD to find out the source of those reasons and then I did my best to get rid of them. I was lucky that I had problems that could be fixed, I know others don't always have that option.
Lautca

trachemys

Honestly, I'd be on the phone with DFACS or whatever childrens' services agency there is there and have them visit the home. If you think a child is being molested skip the niceties.

Lautca

Thanks, guys! The grandparents made the decision to call child welfare services. We'll see how things progress from here, hopefully things will start to get better, the kids don't deserve to have a drunk in their lives.
Lautca