bigsombrero

I'm 2.5 years sober now. I moved here over the summer, and I've been in a new and growing relationship down here. Couldn't ask for more from a new partner...however, I could ask for less. Less partying, for one. She still seems to be a bit into the bar scene. We stopped at a place last weekend after dinner - she walked right in and she had a couple of beers while I stood there drinking seltzer water. She knows I don't drink. This wasn't a "restaurant", it was a bar. It was loud, full of drunks, and there were bartenders handing out shots to tourists and locals alike. I have decided I just don't want to do that again. I wasn't tempted, but it's just not my style these days....kind of like taking a person who just gorged themselves on pizza to a Chuck-e-Cheese. Ugh, anywhere but here.

This woman plans to come up for Halloween in a couple of weeks to visit me. I'm really excited, we have so much fun together. She volunteers at an orphanage and helps kids with special needs, she's super giving and kind. But I just can't imagine hanging out at bars or clubs at all at this point in my life, not for a girl. Not for anyone.

Now I'm a bit peeved because I'm going to have to either tell her "no more bars, please" or "we're going to have to slow this down". I don't want to say either thing, because both put me in a bad spot. Grrrr. How should I handle this? What would you guys do?

hope22

I would just be honest and tell her you don't like to go to bars.

leviathan

what a hassle, man. the bar scene is one of the few things that has turned out just as bad as I thought it would, when I contemplating sobriety. Most things are just fine, and I have been pleasantly surprised to be able to have lots fun without a buzz on. bars are a special kind of hell. I think it comes down to the fact that they are centered on alcohol (imagine that). if there is no band (a good one too), and no food, a bar would be insufferably boring sober. -I had a lot of fun, in some pretty filthy places because I really wasn't there to enjoy the atmosphere.

I don't play bingo, so I don't expect to hang out in any bingo halls.
-now I don't drink, so I don't expect to go to any bars just to "hang".

good luck sombrero! I think she'll be cool with it.

Soberpotamus

Does she know you're in recovery? I'd definitely mention it, and then go on to say that you're just not interested in the bar scene anymore.

bigsombrero

Yeah Leviathan it was a real drag. We were there for 30 minutes and we couldn't even talk because the music was blaring so loud. Does alcohol heighten your sense of hearing? Because I couldn't hear a damn thing and I have no clue how all those drunks were able to talk to one another!

Jennie - no, I haven't told her I'm in recovery. She knows that I used to drink heavily, and that now I do not drink at all. I've said things like "I used to drink, but I wasn't very good at it" and more or less said that part of my life is over. I feel kind of irritated having to lay it all out on the table, but I suppose not everyone's a mind reader. I learned that fact in rehab! I guess not everyone's dated a recovering alcoholic, LOL. And she probably has no clue it's such a sensitive and still healing wound for me.

Thanks for the feedback guys and gals. In the long run, girlfriends come and go, but I'm not sure sobriety plays by the same rules. Gotta keep looking after #1 here and stay true to my values and recovery.

MesaMan

My schtick would be to proactively move the Topic out of the 'Elective' Category. That is, frame it like there's just no choice, and have a few Analogies prepared.

Bar Db levels aside, if you had Hearing Loss from an Industrial Job, you'd have to opt out of noisy environments. If you had some type of Vision loss, you couldn't offer to drive after dark. Some Folks have to skip Cig Smoke areas.

I dunno, saying something like 'Alcohol-based settings [as opposed to her having Wine with Dinner, or a Backyard BBQ Scenario] are really uncomfortable. I'm not going to be good Company for you at those places. I don't want to mess up our Relationship.'

I rehearse my Lines so that I don't stammer in delivery.

If she balks at something presented as non-negotiable, you got a choice to make. So does she. This discussion will also clarify her priorities to you.

I played in Bar Bands, and mixed P.A. Sound. Alcohol dulls the Hearing of Drinkers, so Bar Owners crank it up. The Hearing of those Folks is the issue; not your Alcohol-unimpaired Hearing.

Dee74

I understand this is a girl you like but it's no more than that yet?

I still think you need to be honest BigS, in the sense of 'the bar scene really irritates me, it's too loud, too many jerks etc.'

...if this is a breaking point, then she's not the gal for you.

D

Notimetoloose

I am thinking that as the relationship possible blossoms that the bar scene could take quite a big back seat in her world naturally...perhaps replaced with lots of other stuff that allows the getting to know you more type of stuff.....Dinners, lunches, picnics, adventure days, week ends away, road trips, Zoo's...hanging out etc, etc

In the single lifestyle it can be a regular hang out but once coupled up it no longer has that much appeal, unless it is offering something else in the form of entertainment.

......lots of other stuff to do.

fantail

I don't think you really need to go into the recovery stuff at all here. A simple "bars are really boring for me since I don't drink; if you want a drink could we go to a cafe instead?" should work. She probably just hasn't considered it.

A good friend of mine is dating a guy who doesn't drink because of a digestive illness (Crohns maybe) and he hates going to bars... so if she wants to go to a bar, she goes with her friends. She's still a bit of a party girl but she knows that that's a separate thing from her relationship. Sounds like that could work out here too, especially if she lives in a different city.

jshep

Hi BigS! Don't compromise, especially early in a relationship. Time spent on the "less than perfect" person for you takes away from the time you could be spending with the woman out there who is perfect. That might seem harsh, but I've seen many of my friends in miserable relationships because it was easy to do nothing.

Aellyce

My view is that the way you handle this should probably be guided by the relationship you two have. Is it serious enough for you to share the recovery story? If so, or if you see a potential in the relationship to turn out that way, I would definitely mention to her that I am in recovery from a drinking problem. It sounds like you have already done that, just did not use the exact word "recovery", which might not even be more meaningful for her if she had never had an addiction problem or someone in her environment who had. I even know for sure from my own past that I would not have grasped it easily when I was much younger and was never exposed to addictions.

If it's still more of a causal dating / getting to know each-other phase, maybe just explain to her again that you don't like the atmosphere of bars and you don't drink, so prefer not to go to those places. People have many interests and hobbies, some of these can be naturally overlapping and enjoyed together, others can be cultivated separately. I guess she could find others to hang out at bars and clubs occasionally if she wanted to? And perhaps with time she would realize that she prefers to be with you in other activities. Or not.

I know this is tough. I have not been in any new more serious-looking relationship or anything I considered more than friendship since I sobered, but these thoughts sometimes come up in my mind, how I would handle this part of it. I think eventually I would want to be 100% open and honest about everything that's important to me and central to my lifestyle. Otherwise I can't see how I could establish compatibility and an intimate connection with anyone. I would absolutely want to share what makes me uncomfortable, and the opposite. I think if partners don't do this from a relatively early stage, it's difficult to change and introduce that later. How many marriages are spent for decades not knowing each-other much? Maybe just take it slowly.

Soberwolf

What D said

GracieLou

To thine own self be true! Don't compromise yourself, your program or your sobriety.

I think honesty is the best policy here and telling her that you are a recovering alcoholic may make it or break it but I think you need to find that out before you let it go on any longer.

I can't go to bars. period. I can't and won't compromise myself on something that, IMO, cannot be compromised on if I want to remain true to myself. Going to a bar like that would put me in the danger zone and I prefer not to play there anymore.

Joe Nerv

Can only echo what's already been said. There comes a time in a relationship where I think it's important that they know we can't drink safely, and it sounds like this is that time. I'd let her know that, and that it's not fun for you to be hanging out in bars. If that's a problem for her, then it's best to move on now. It's tough, but I think that being able to walk away from such a situation gives an oomph to our self esteem that makes us all the more attractive for the next potential partner who comes along . I remember the first time I walked away from a guy/gal situation that I knew was going to be no good for me. I really liked the girl, and it felt horrible (almost impossible to do), but the gains I got from that were enormous. Not only did it open the door to my eventually meeting my wife, but that move somehow made something "click" inside me. Something that started turning me off to things in women that should have been turning me off years before... if that makes any sense. Things that used to attract me, like neediness, craziness, etc. started to become unattractive, and things like honesty and stability started to become more attractive.

I've dated lots in sobriety, and had about 4 long term relationships (more than 2 years). In all 4 of those relationships, and a lot of the others, the women weren't alcoholic, yet rarely if ever drank. And it wasn't a sacrifice for them. They'd ask if I minded if they drank, I'd say "absolutely not", and then they'd say, "ahh... I don't think I will anyhow" . That's the kind of people I choose now to have in my life. If alcohol is more important to them than my health and sanity, I don't belong there. And I'm certain to run into even more trouble down the line.

I say tell her the deal, see where she takes it, and then make a decision.

Good luck.

LadyinBC

Okay this is just my opinion and what I would have to do for me. I am not telling you what to do and I'm not judging you.

For me, being with someone into the bar scene or drinking at home, well, that really would be a deal breaker for me. And yes, I know it is my issue, however, I just don't put myself in these situations anymore. I don't do bars, parties or pubs. And I should at least feel safe in my own home.

If I was that interested in someone I would have to be upfront and tell them about being in recovery. Because it is a big part of me and I will be doing it for the rest of my life. There will be things I can do and things I can't.

Gacckkkkk it gets so complicated doesn't it!

bigsombrero

Thanks guys. Really good advice here.

The fact that it's a Halloween visit she's planning just has me a bit uncertain. I know this holiday gets a bit crazy for many, and they like to dress up and drink at bars. I want nothing to do with that kind of evening. I think that I'll encourage her to go out with her friends if they want to do the bars, and make it clear that it's not my scene.

'Tis the season, as they say. Halloween, T-giving (Canada & US), and XMas. Lots of us have issues around this time, and it's not surprising that I need to be on high alert during this time of year.

Thanks again folks.

aasharon90

Relationships in recovery add another
dynamic to the equation. Another one
of life's situations where emotions come
into play. I learned to make sure I have
all my recovery tools close at hand to
incorporate in everyday affairs.

I would listen to my gut feelings to
let me know if a new relationship is
right or not. If it becomes too complicated
and takes away from my recovery
program, then id have to back off
or away.

Love can be blind and cloud our thoughts
and affect our actions. Common sense in
recovery and your strong foundation you
are building your life upon can guide you
in avoiding a hurt heart, feelings, and
possibly going back out to drink.

Today I have my HP to talk to and guide
me when it comes to important decisions
in life. Another added tool I use in my own
recovery to remain healthy, happy and
honest in all my affairs.

In your's too.

zjw

even when i drank i really didnt like bars rare i went to them. I've never seen what the thrill is about with a bar. My wife made me go to a club a couple times when we where dating it was awful! You cant hear each other and everyones disgustingly drunk or on something. Bathrooms where downright filthy and involved people barfing in the stalls etc...

I could tolerate a quiet bar that has good food. That being said maybe that can be a middle of the road kinda option?

Venecia

Hey Big S. Good questions, good responses.

As someone who wants to head back into "the wilderness" -- and at this rate, I don't think I'm rushing things -- your thread is really pertinent for me. It did make me wonder if there are deeper questions on your mind, though I admittedly may be seeing things more from my own perspective and projecting them on to you.

What do our potential, or more than potential, romantic interests have a right to know about us? What do we have a right to keep private? In turn, how much honesty and when? At what point is disclosure about our alcoholism a meaningful conversation that helps romantic interests understand us more deeply? Or does it make them want to head for the hills? Haennie and Joe Nerv had some good food for thought along those lines.

I wondered, too, if on some level the appeal that the bar scene holds for her might be raising some questions in the back of your mind about her alcohol intake/habits? Or at least her priorities and the partying scene. I know that as I get closer to the wilderness, one thing I ponder is discerning the line between someone who likes an occasional drink and someone who drinks too much. The former, fine. The latter? Deal-breaker, period.

Of course, I'm a natural overthinker so it may be as simple as saying "this is no fun for me -- can we find other things to do?" Time in a bar like the one you described sounds like hell to me. Similarly for me, though, a guy could be really wonderful but the idea of spending a date watching a golf tournament, for example, would be just as much of an ordeal. So it may be a matter of exploring what you both enjoy as you get to know each other better.

Keep us posted, if you feel inclined. I always enjoy your posts and thoughtful, supportive feedback you offer others on SR.

NoJimmy

My outlook is it's best to get all the cards on the table sooner than later. I was real sheepish to share with my (now) GF exactly why I don't drink. I felt she had a right to know before things got more serious. And also fair for her to understand that I will not be involved with someone who is an excessive drinker or into the party scene.

I'm not saying you have Sombrero, but I would be concerned if I had chosen someone who wasn't compatible with my sobriety. I doubt I could succeed for long if I became tangled up with the wrong crowd.