iggy24

I don't know... if a girl i like goes into one bar and had two drinks and I can't handle that..I am limiting myself pretty strictly for romance. that notion of your partner has to respect your sobriety...but we have to respect them too if they want to jump in a bar for a couple right? Is it fair for us to expect our romantic partner to stop doing that as if we have the most dangerous and important issue in the world...just the way I see it..in fact it makes me uncomfortable if a girl stops drinking for me..it's like she is babysitting me

Joe Nerv

For some people, to not drink is not an issue at all. For others, it is. The ones that it's an issue for I've always chosen to NOT have a romantic relationship with. Not sure why any recovered(ing) alcoholic would choose to be with someone who drinking was important to.

I know a lot of people think everyone drinks. At one time I did. Took me a while to realize that just isn't true. There are lots and lots of "normal" people who can take it or leave it. And leaving it is the equivalent of choosing sparkling water over soda. Not a big deal.

I agree. Nobody should sacrifice their drinking for me. And I choose not to sacrifice my comfortability for anyone who feels the need to drink. If someone wants to have a drink around me once in a while, that's fine. If that's their idea of enjoying themselves and they want to do it regularly, it's not. My life is more important than their need to drink.

trachemys

Flatter the hell out of her, BigS. Tell her you'd rather spend time together on things more conducive to romance.

foolsgold66

IMO, go with honesty, eliminate the uncertainty. The results may not be ideal but they'll be for the wisest for all.

bigsombrero

I'm kind of with you on this one, Joe. I'm almost 40 - if I'm dating someone in the 35-45 age range, and they still want to go to bars filled with 21 year-olds on the weekends, then that person likely just isn't for me. For what it's worth, I did mention that I'd prefer to just not do those kind of activities, and she seemed fine with it. We're just kind of "dating" (if that) for now, and I'm not in love, just kind of doing the relationship thing and again I'm glad for the input. I have lotsa questions, LOL. It's going to take some time to get my "sea legs" under me as I get back into this foray, I reckon. Plenty of learning to do along the way, that's just part of life and recovery.

But yeah, Joe: I wouldn't date a woman who wanted to take me to NASCAR races every weekend, either. You're right that we are often too quick to assume that alcohol is a necessary part of everyone's life who isn't an alcoholic and hang our heads in defeat and frustration when someone we cares about lets drink take center stage. It doesn't have to be like that, and we can have our cake and eat it too, I'm guessing.

Aellyce

BigS, my experience with 1:1 relationships (any kinds, but romantic ones more than others) has been that the compatibility between the two persons matters more than anything else, after the initial excitement. We may get interested in other people for many different things and in many different ways, but eventually, the interpersonal compatibility and, in romantic relationships, the intimacy (including that we are able to see each-other warts and all, and share these feelings and findings) is what can truly make it stick. Or if not stick, truly memorable.

I really feel you through this thread because I feel that you KNOW intuitively, instinctively, what you want, what you like, what is good for you. It's not your fault, her fault, or anyone's fault that these things don't come together easily. I think they never do. But for some reason (and these are my instincts over the internet, maybe right maybe wrong) I feel that you are someone who knows in his mind and heart what works for you, and you really want to either find it or create it, most likely both; dive deep and create personal growth and meaning from it, either momentarily or in more lasting forms.

I don't know what you should do, just have an undefinable feeling that you are a person who likes to follow his heart and internal inspirations, sometimes in wonderful ways and well, sometimes not so great (referring to the addiction...). Your recovery seems solid to me. And your fears seem valid. Please keep trying to find your way through all this, always. Keep being a "traveler" of existence

You will figure out this current relationship I am sure.

Ken33xx

Right. This shouldn't be an issue

FeliciaM

Be up front with her.

meggem

I'm from friends and family -I lurk over here sometimes and would never think to butt in but I can't help but say.. and I don't mean anything by this but....

Isn't it the responsible thing to tell her? So she can make her own decisions? This is really a question but don't you owe it to her to tell her? Maybe I'm way off, and I apologize if I am..

I just know with what I am currently crawling out of.. if I started dating someone and things started moving and I found out later that they were in recovery I would be devastated. It is just not something I would consider getting into right now.

I don't mean to offend anyone and maybe I would be the one missing out and I'm not trying to say that anyone who is in recovery is not worthy of love, they are, the recovered part of my soon to be ex is worthy of love and he has done some horrible things...but I sort of feel like, well I would want to know. I would feel like it was my business to know, and I would feel hurt and angry if I "found out" later.

Is this my baggage talking? maybe it is...