Cow

Guinea Pig, I wish I had health and strength to garden. I love plants. I hope to do this before fall is over. But my question to you was, how does you feel about you continued drinking? I truly wish to know.

In other news, I just total go off on my older brother! I call him an ass, um, and more. Cuz he total stringing along his ex-girlfriend for companionship while he searching for other better looking girlfriend online. He being total jerk! But truth is, at poker games and such, lot of my male friends complain that they no longer attracted to they mates, and these guys is very cultured, intelligent guys. They just being brutal honest. It make me never wish to date again.

ESD907

how are you doing cow? I understand getting it out on our siblings..I did it also. and in some way, in your grief you think its okay to say whatever you want. . When you lose your mom, even as an adult, you realize you are truly alone. its ONLY YOU ....its very scary. My husband doesn't get it...he's got both parents, and they are healthy in their 70's, which means I'll probably be wiping their asses when I'm in my 60's. But? its family...I actually know how you feel..It wasn't that long ago for me. I'd give anything to be 12 again. and see my mother as she was. anything..I'd even give up my children. (don't tell them). I also told off a few people in the last few years..makes you feel okay fora day or two..then?? not so good. but family is funny, the forgive when you call and apologize.... again, My sympathies.

Cow

Honest Lori, I think he deserve it. He using this woman but too lame to cut her loose. But, yeah, maybe I extra outspoken cuz I just lose Maggie and he calling me to bemoan, yet again, how his ex is "so nice" but he not that into her cuz she not that attractive, and oh, what should he do. I has already say a hundred time: MAN UP AND LET HER GO!

I plant some flower in honor of Maggie. Vibrant fuschia cyclamen with white edges. I not going to her funeral. We already talk about that. Funerals traumatic to me. She okay with that.

ESD907

was he a good son? do you think he was? I'm telling you..I know I was a great daughgter..so I have that "UPPER HAND" when any of them come to me. and trust me, I'll hold it over them. I'm not above anything. SO cow, by the way, can I call you a name? say Scarlet..I always wanted to name one of mine that, but I only had one girl, and my husand said no way. ...anyway cow............... what's happening? are you making plans?

Lenina

men. sheesh. I think the basic problems in the world is too much testosterone. In my experience, many men start feathering the next nest before they take flight. I have my theories on that. I'd rather hang with my girlies. !ots of them had the poor taste or bad judgement to get married young and breed. I still have a few from the old days, I'm happy their kids are grown so we can get back to hanging out. I am blessed to have some wonderful gay men friends. We joke about buying a motel and living as a retirement community. I think it's a good idea.

GP, I hope you'll answer Cow's question. How do you feel about being in the hole? I didnt like it much. Once I had a taste of sobriety, I couldn't stay there.

Lori, I did misunderstand you. grief does tend to stick around. For me, I needed to get professional bereavement counseling. I still have that gristle in my heart, I know it's there but I have come to a resolution with it. I can't let it define me. I can't let myself be defined by my alcoholism either.

Love from Lenina

Cow

Ooh, I want to live in Crone hotel!

Lori, I still working on plan, but I definite go back into therapy. I gonna see new therapist who specialize in addiction AND traumatic brain injury. I also still researching treatments for anhedonia, cuz Robot right, if I not find some relief of anhedonia, my vulnerability to cycle of relapse not likely to change.

courage2

Good job, Cow, on finding a new therapist.

On moms -- if you could distill my mother's essence into several flasks of 200 proof alcohol, none of them would be labeled "sympathy". She never nursed me, and the only bottle she ever passed me was a bottle of scotch.

On men -- I don't knock testosterone much, having perhaps an oversupply of it myself. It's only when combined with stupidity or vapid, low aspirations that it becomes annoying, IMO.

gardendiva

I'm ambivalent about being in the hole Cow. One hand, its killing me and its a drain on my family. Other hand, it gives me extra "oomph" to do things like garden and deal with tween/teen daughters without driving off a bridge.

Love hearing you planted cyclamen! I'm doing boring mums. Just trying to give the front yard a facelift because its looking really Springer.

Funerals are for the living; the only ones obligated to attend are the dead.

Lenina

cow, we would welcome you into the Crone Motel. It will be a sober living situation, though. and great fun.

courage, I think the testosterone enhances stupidity much like estrogen does. LOL But the ladies tend to beat their own selves up while the men like beat each other. you know, wars and suchlike.

Moms. Sheesh. I was a child born of Spite by a woman who lived in Spite. Until it became such a way of life for her, she was stuck with no way out. She was not one to turn to when in need of sympathy or advice. Mostly, I have pity for her, she really suffered through her own pride. such a shame. she was beautiful and talented.

Love from Lenina

Lenina

GP, Springer? as in Jerry? do explain.

XXOO Lee

gardendiva

For some maybe. But many manage to walk through that fire and the burns do heal over time. You have scars and the memory of the pain, but most of the pain is gone.

When I was 36 I found my husband's body after an accident. My kids were 4 and 1.5 at the time.

I don't think all grief is the same - a child losing a parent is a different experience than say, losing a spouse. We experience grief differently but the blanket statement that it never gets easier and sucks forever simply isn't true for everyone.

gardendiva

Trailer trash; ghetto. I didn't want to offend anyone.

Cow

Guinea Pig, I appreciate you honesty. And I understands you ambivalence. ...But I not like it. Not like it one bit! Cuz I wish better for you. And plus also now I know how everybody else must feel about Cow! It suck!

Something will change for you ...maybe ...or not. One way or other. Does you at least want to want to quit? Many time I have to start there. In any case, I glad you here. Cuz watering cyclamen is a freaking art form and I gonna need you. So please stay close, okay?

Bunny/CAL, I hear disturbing thing catching up on Bill Maher other day. Jimmy Carter on and he say more girls/women has been murder in last 50 years than all mens was killed in all wars in entire 20th century. Oh, sigh, humans. You does love you killin'.

Leshar

Hello Cow,

I'm interested to know about your research into treatment options for anhedonia. It's killing me, and the pretending in front of others, to spare them my misery is punishing.

Intranasal ketamine made me feel worse, crippling anxiety, so I'm tee'd up for transcranial magnetic stimulation next week, Mon to Friday, two treaments a day. I've had to scramble to find accomodation in the city at short notice. I've elected to stay in a hostel in a dorm, because if I had to stay alone in a hotel room in the city all week, well, I think I'd not do well. Me, an old crone indeed in a hostel, but I thought it might be better to be around humanity, although not to have to really engage with ppl, rather than moulder alone in a hotel. I don't know what to do for the best.
I'm still sober, almost 16 months, it's all crushingly disappointing.
Hope others are faring better than I.

courage2

I have to admit that I'm pretty self-absorbed and it's all, so far, I can handle even sober to get remotely interested in the problems of people I actually know. I've known some people who've committed major acts of violence but that's where I've drawn the line with them -- I just can't sympathize with extreme violence. I pay little attention to the problems of the big world. I don't watch television, read a paper, or follow the news. I've always been much influenced by the lesson of Candide to tend to one's own garden.

Cow

Hi Leshar, did you see my post/link on Noopept last page? I trying that next. I let you know it go and you let me know how you go with the TMS, okay? And is still other thing to try. Let keep trying. We in it together, yes?

I spend entire life performing persona for other also, because nobody ever would want to be around person so vacant, detach and/or miserable all the time, such as my real self is. But you not ever has to pretend here, okay. In fact, you misery actual comforts me ...that not sound very nice, but I know you know what I mean. Please keep us inform how you TMS go. I very interested.

Moo Mwah my fellow fallow Anhedonian.

Leshar

Thanks, Cow, will do.

I wonder why my depression/profound anhedonia has worsened in sobriety? I wonder if it will improve with more time. I can't continue to be as miserable as I am at present. Now estranged from my sis cos she can't cope with me anymore and has cut off contact. I'm very sad but sort of don't blame her.

Cow

For me is pretty obvious that caffeine/alcohol is drugs that modulate brain enough to at least cause "up and downs" which never actual manifest in feeling good, but at least feel like I stimulated in some way. I know is just destructive mirage. But without any substance at all, is not even mirage. Is nothing!

Is clear substances is NOT answer and is physical destroying me, so is no point to go down this path anymore. Painful as it is, we must keep try to find other way. I sorry about you sister, some people not can deal with realities of depression/anhedonia. Is too painful for them, and/or it just a bummer and they rather not deal. Either way, I not can really blame them. If I was normal, I not want downer lead albatross to constant weigh me down either. Which is why I almost always wear mask. Is rare person who can be present for such misery.

I know you desperate, Leshar, I HEAR you. I right there with you. Is very lonely road, but I walk with you, okay?

gardendiva

I have a rather large and beautiful garden 6,000 miles away. I have to pay attention to the world.

RobbyRobot

(((Cow))) and (((Leshar)))