Diary of a Mad Cow, Part VIII: "When on Fire, Save what of Value"
Awww Jeez buddy.
Ugh. Sigh.
Ain't not a one of us who call ourselves addicts haven't walked this same sick path. Even to the extent that you are at. The Cycle. It just keeps spinning round and round. And there is a certain "comfortabilty" in the knowing, that even in the unknowing of whether you are going to hit that magic moment or not, at least today will just be "business as usual".
That alone can keep you drinking. Because it's familiar. It's safe. Its the safest place we know in our profound state of misery. Never mind the damage it's doing, it's the best we've got for right now. And it will have to do. Desperate times. Desperate measures.
I know full well you know the extent of your actions. No need for any of us to pontificate ad nauseum. I just want you to know I understand and I stand as both witness and condemned as a fellow addict.
My heart shatters for the pain of the state you are in.
Because, I too, am absolutely, literally, one drink away from the exact same.
(((Cow)))
Ugh. Sigh.
Ain't not a one of us who call ourselves addicts haven't walked this same sick path. Even to the extent that you are at. The Cycle. It just keeps spinning round and round. And there is a certain "comfortabilty" in the knowing, that even in the unknowing of whether you are going to hit that magic moment or not, at least today will just be "business as usual".
That alone can keep you drinking. Because it's familiar. It's safe. Its the safest place we know in our profound state of misery. Never mind the damage it's doing, it's the best we've got for right now. And it will have to do. Desperate times. Desperate measures.
I know full well you know the extent of your actions. No need for any of us to pontificate ad nauseum. I just want you to know I understand and I stand as both witness and condemned as a fellow addict.
My heart shatters for the pain of the state you are in.
Because, I too, am absolutely, literally, one drink away from the exact same.
(((Cow)))
So sorry (((Cow))) to hear the news of your friend Maggie's passing. Even though expected, still, her passing hurts, and I'm sorry for your many associated hurts and pains just now in your struggles, my friend.
Please take care of you, okay?!!
I have every hope for you, dearest Cow.
Please take care of you, okay?!!
I have every hope for you, dearest Cow.
I'm sorry about Maggie.
Your caffiene/alcohol cycle is very similar to my weed/alcohol cycle. (Weed is a stimulant for me.) I also use benzos to sleep. I was sober yesterday, but only because I was too sick with hangover to use.
I have a bad habit of delaying grief - it hits months later out of nowhere. That's not pleasent so allow yourself to indulge in your grief now. It's better in the long run.
I'm glad you're here Cow.
Your caffiene/alcohol cycle is very similar to my weed/alcohol cycle. (Weed is a stimulant for me.) I also use benzos to sleep. I was sober yesterday, but only because I was too sick with hangover to use.
I have a bad habit of delaying grief - it hits months later out of nowhere. That's not pleasent so allow yourself to indulge in your grief now. It's better in the long run.
I'm glad you're here Cow.
Thanks everybody. I still not feel anything, but I sure I gonna hork up brick in my chest at some point. Maggie was alcoholic who sober for 30 year. I lie to her last time I see her. Tell her I sober and she not has to worry about me anymore. Now I gotta make good.
bimi, I sorry my description of using at rock bottom levels again was seductive to you. It funny how dark tale of harrowing descent into wasted days of alcoholic madness ...actually sound pretty good to alcoholics! Oh my. Jesus God. We one hella f*cked up crew. Thank gods we has each other.
Anyways, is not gonna be any drunken grieving. Nonsense has to stop.
As Captain Picard say, when he finally had it with relentless Borg and they destructive nonsense: "The line must be drawn here! Here! This far! No farther!"
bimi, I sorry my description of using at rock bottom levels again was seductive to you. It funny how dark tale of harrowing descent into wasted days of alcoholic madness ...actually sound pretty good to alcoholics! Oh my. Jesus God. We one hella f*cked up crew. Thank gods we has each other.
Anyways, is not gonna be any drunken grieving. Nonsense has to stop.
As Captain Picard say, when he finally had it with relentless Borg and they destructive nonsense: "The line must be drawn here! Here! This far! No farther!"
Cow, I'm glad to see you. I've reread your post about the measuring several times. The one sentence that really stuck with me was the part about it not working any more. For me, it got to that point. The point I recognized it wasn't working at all any more. I'd given up on just having a few long before. I knew it was all or nothing. I guess I finally had to go with drinking nothing! I couldn't get drunk enough.
I hope you know we will be here for you. Come here and post before you start rattling around with the measuring insanity.
And I do think you might like the Connie Willis books. She's an excellent story teller. In Passage there's some bits where you may think she's having contiguity problems but she wraps that up with a big red bow!
OK, so let's all try to help each other. I wish I could find a way to help others find that switch that flipped for me. I do have peace in my life most of the time. Except when the stars get wacky. (you know I'm kidding)
Love from Lenina
I hope you know we will be here for you. Come here and post before you start rattling around with the measuring insanity.
And I do think you might like the Connie Willis books. She's an excellent story teller. In Passage there's some bits where you may think she's having contiguity problems but she wraps that up with a big red bow!
OK, so let's all try to help each other. I wish I could find a way to help others find that switch that flipped for me. I do have peace in my life most of the time. Except when the stars get wacky. (you know I'm kidding)
Love from Lenina
The most treasured gift you could offer in her memory and to honor your kindredness, is to make good on your words. She set the example.
Let this be your before and after moment.
The REAL one this time.
(((COW))))
Let this be your before and after moment.
The REAL one this time.
(((COW))))
Cow I remember what you said about death before. So I will say to you just that Maggie's passing sucks. I'm glad you are deciding that this cycle has to stop. You keep talking about the Borg and quoted Captain Picard. Do you remember when he was captured by the Kardashians? They couldn't break him Cow. No matter what life throws at us something always survives.
There... Are... Four... Lights! - YouTube
There... Are... Four... Lights! - YouTube
Mmm, Kardashians probable could break Picard, especially if they torture him with Kanye. But Cardassians did no break him! Or did they...
Counselor Troi and Picard step into the ready room where Picard is at a loss for words to explain his ordeal. Troi explains she's already read his report, but Picard offers that what he didn't put in the report was that Madred offered him the choice of a life of comfort or more torture at the price of admitting seeing five lights. Although he did not say it, the captain admits he was going to - he would have told his tormentor anything, but even more troubling to Picard was that in the end he could see five lights.
However, Cow was no broken today. The line stands! Mmm, Kardashians probable could break Picard, especially if they torture him with Kanye. But Cardassians did no break him! Or did they...
Counselor Troi and Picard step into the ready room where Picard is at a loss for words to explain his ordeal. Troi explains she's already read his report, but Picard offers that what he didn't put in the report was that Madred offered him the choice of a life of comfort or more torture at the price of admitting seeing five lights. Although he did not say it, the captain admits he was going to - he would have told his tormentor anything, but even more troubling to Picard was that in the end he could see five lights.
However, Cow was no broken today. The line stands!
((((Lori))))) I'm sorry it's not getting better for you. It did for me. I did have to be drug throught the flaming circle of nine kinds of hell but I do feel better. It is very. Very rare that wanting a drink hits me. Life still happens around me, I still have bad days. I still have times I want to go screaming down the middle of the street. There are times I want to smack the moronica off a co worker.
But I don't. The feeling passes. I don't even need to close my third eye. It passes.
I have to get ready for work. I'll be back if I can find time. (might be able to, my flight home is running late but no one official has advised me to go back to bed. LOL )
Love from Lenina
PS. Cow, the Kardashisans are a vivd reminder of everything I do not want to be. I suspect they would break me down....did I just mention moronica? XXOO
But I don't. The feeling passes. I don't even need to close my third eye. It passes.
I have to get ready for work. I'll be back if I can find time. (might be able to, my flight home is running late but no one official has advised me to go back to bed. LOL )
Love from Lenina
PS. Cow, the Kardashisans are a vivd reminder of everything I do not want to be. I suspect they would break me down....did I just mention moronica? XXOO
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