Is it normal
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Is it normal
My separated AH left 6 months ago as he couldn't keep putting me and the kids through his drinking binges, and he wanted to drink when he wants. But he has completely shut me out, he has never done this before. I want to help him, I love him and I suppose I am struggling to let go and accept addiction has ruined our 17 year marriage. He says he has been reading all the information I have sent him about alcohol addiction, preparing for if he decides to give up but won't make any promises, guarantees, is this an excuse or do people read up and prepare for giving up?? also know I can't help him he has to want to help himself.
He says he still loves me and I do believe him but he has such a negative opinion about himself and constantly talks negatively about himself and how I am better off without him and yes while he is actively drinking I am. But is it normal for A to shut people out????
Thank you for taking the time to read my post.
He says he still loves me and I do believe him but he has such a negative opinion about himself and constantly talks negatively about himself and how I am better off without him and yes while he is actively drinking I am. But is it normal for A to shut people out????
Thank you for taking the time to read my post.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
I think that if you have already separated, it is time for you to actually emotionally separate. There is nothing you can do or say. His recovery is his own, and only he can conduct it. If he is a grown up man, he can get all the information and support he wants if and when he wants it without any help.
I suggest doing your own growing and personal work - as a co-dependent, in therapy, finding a life of your own, things you enjoy, parenting, etc.
If he left 6 months ago and is out of contact, it is because he wants to be.
Alcoholic or non-alcoholic, when someone leaves and breaks off contact, they are done with the relationship. His telling you it is better for you is simply his being graceful and polite. Adults get to decide what relationships they want to engage in or let go of. Your only responsibility is yourself and your children.
Good luck with the letting go. I think this belongs in the friends and family forum, BTW.
I suggest doing your own growing and personal work - as a co-dependent, in therapy, finding a life of your own, things you enjoy, parenting, etc.
If he left 6 months ago and is out of contact, it is because he wants to be.
Alcoholic or non-alcoholic, when someone leaves and breaks off contact, they are done with the relationship. His telling you it is better for you is simply his being graceful and polite. Adults get to decide what relationships they want to engage in or let go of. Your only responsibility is yourself and your children.
Good luck with the letting go. I think this belongs in the friends and family forum, BTW.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
If butterfly is posting to ask for feedback from alcoholics, her post is right where it's "supposed" to be. Butterfly, to answer your question, yes. It is very common for addicts of all kinds to shut out their loved ones. I know it's hard to let go, but believe it or not your husband thinks his leaving is better for all of you. It sucks to see someone we love hate and hurt themselves, but there is nothing more you can do for him.
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Thank you readerbaby, I appreciate your response. He's convinced he needs to do this by himself and I know I have to let him, he says if he can't stop drinking then he won't have let me down again and he doesn't want me or the kids to see him fail again. He does feel it is best for us all he just refers to himself as a drunken F##k up. He has asked me to give him time to figure everything out. He's all over the place.
Heartcore, I didn't say he want no contact he is shutting me out from supporting him and talking to me which he always did!! And telling me I a better of without him is not him being polite. My AH is in a very dark place and is spiralling. I am worried about him and seeking genuine insight into where he is at this time.
Heartcore, I didn't say he want no contact he is shutting me out from supporting him and talking to me which he always did!! And telling me I a better of without him is not him being polite. My AH is in a very dark place and is spiralling. I am worried about him and seeking genuine insight into where he is at this time.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
You're really not going to gain much insight about what's going on in his head right now. As you know it's best to focus on healing you and your children. This has to be his journey, alone. I'm sorry. 
I know it hurts.
I know it hurts.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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You're very welcome to post here Butterfly - many of us identify with, or seek guidance from, more than one forum 
I can't tell you if it's normal, but I can tell you I shut people out too. Part of me was embarrassed because I couldn;t stop drinking, and anohter part of me simply wanted to keep drinking.
In my experience all the reading and prep in the world won;t make it easier, but I used to think it might make it a little less scary if I eased myself into the idea of stopping.
I hope he will decide to give up...soon
D
I can't tell you if it's normal, but I can tell you I shut people out too. Part of me was embarrassed because I couldn;t stop drinking, and anohter part of me simply wanted to keep drinking.
In my experience all the reading and prep in the world won;t make it easier, but I used to think it might make it a little less scary if I eased myself into the idea of stopping.
I hope he will decide to give up...soon
D
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Thank you dee. I do find it helpful seeking guidance from the other side and it can really help me. I am hoping he is reading to make it all less scary I've been sending him info for months and often info from this forum and he has only started to read it all, he always refused to read anything before so I suppose I am taking it as a sign or maybe getting my hopes up certainly what he has said about what he has read shows that he has read it and isn't just saying he is. I hope he decides to give up too.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Butterfly - Wasn't trying to make you feel unwelcome by suggesting the friends and family forum; I was just suggesting that you might get support there for the "your own journey part..."
What I was trying to say, if you're asking for an alcoholic's perspective, is that if you are already separated as a result of his alcoholism, if I were to put myself in his place, I would not want any support or pamphlets or "helpful talks" from my ex-partner. If I wanted to shift my lifestyle with her support, I would have done so while still being in relationship and living with her.
When an alcoholic (or an addict) is inside their disease, on a run, especially, any reminders of things undone or done poorly or regrets or feedback on how they are hurting other people just becomes another uncomfortable, irritating presence to flee from and drink/use over. An alcoholic/addict feels (at least me, I can only speak for myself) an actual physical tension when confronted, even by someone who intends being helpful.
What I meant about being "polite" is that - of course a part of us recognizes that you are well intentioned - but if I'm past a certain place in my "run," I'm mostly trying to get you to "go away and leave me alone" albeit, as graciously and politely as I am able.
As an alcoholic, that is how I would feel and respond. Until I chose to get sober/clean entirely on my own, and could be proud and strong inside that choice (especially as a man), I wouldn't want to have a partner "help me."
I'm a woman, and am an alcoholic, and I've been partnered with alcoholics and tried to be a support person to them, and they (men) have explained to me that when I do that I take away from their power in recovery, and it diminishes it if they're supposed to somehow "credit" the relationship support. Recovery really belongs to the person.
Hope that helps. I felt like you either misread my earlier post, or just didn't like the feedback (and perhaps still might now, although I tried to explain it differently).
What I was trying to say, if you're asking for an alcoholic's perspective, is that if you are already separated as a result of his alcoholism, if I were to put myself in his place, I would not want any support or pamphlets or "helpful talks" from my ex-partner. If I wanted to shift my lifestyle with her support, I would have done so while still being in relationship and living with her.
When an alcoholic (or an addict) is inside their disease, on a run, especially, any reminders of things undone or done poorly or regrets or feedback on how they are hurting other people just becomes another uncomfortable, irritating presence to flee from and drink/use over. An alcoholic/addict feels (at least me, I can only speak for myself) an actual physical tension when confronted, even by someone who intends being helpful.
What I meant about being "polite" is that - of course a part of us recognizes that you are well intentioned - but if I'm past a certain place in my "run," I'm mostly trying to get you to "go away and leave me alone" albeit, as graciously and politely as I am able.
As an alcoholic, that is how I would feel and respond. Until I chose to get sober/clean entirely on my own, and could be proud and strong inside that choice (especially as a man), I wouldn't want to have a partner "help me."
I'm a woman, and am an alcoholic, and I've been partnered with alcoholics and tried to be a support person to them, and they (men) have explained to me that when I do that I take away from their power in recovery, and it diminishes it if they're supposed to somehow "credit" the relationship support. Recovery really belongs to the person.
Hope that helps. I felt like you either misread my earlier post, or just didn't like the feedback (and perhaps still might now, although I tried to explain it differently).
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
It sounds to me like you are doing all of the right things.
Us alcoholics are baffled by the fact that we just can't stop when we want to,as well as the people that see us battling it.
It is also the pattern for us to shut people out. We don't like for sober people to see us drunk,even if we don't realize we are doing it. We do a LOT of things we don't realize we are doing. I know I did anyway. After I had been sober a year or so I really realized what a problem I had. Which I just didn't see while I had the monkey on my back.
You sound like a very level headed person,that understands what is going on.
Many of us do quit. I have been sober over 5 years. If I can do it anyone can.
But as you said,it's gotta be his idea. He has to really want it. If he is sobering up to please someone else,it probably won't last long term.
I hope you keep doing what you are doing,but keep a very close eye on yourself to make sure you aren't enabling him.
Fred
Us alcoholics are baffled by the fact that we just can't stop when we want to,as well as the people that see us battling it.
It is also the pattern for us to shut people out. We don't like for sober people to see us drunk,even if we don't realize we are doing it. We do a LOT of things we don't realize we are doing. I know I did anyway. After I had been sober a year or so I really realized what a problem I had. Which I just didn't see while I had the monkey on my back.
You sound like a very level headed person,that understands what is going on.
Many of us do quit. I have been sober over 5 years. If I can do it anyone can.
But as you said,it's gotta be his idea. He has to really want it. If he is sobering up to please someone else,it probably won't last long term.
I hope you keep doing what you are doing,but keep a very close eye on yourself to make sure you aren't enabling him.
Fred
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Heartcore I think I misread your earlier post and thank you for posting again.
I guess I have to realise that if he wants my help he will ask for it. He says he wants to come home and loves me but there are days when he wants to drink the place dry and it's days like this that he feels he can't come home, how he feels about things depends on how he feels that day and whether he is drinking.
I understand what you are saying heartcore about men feeling that the power is taken from them, this may be why he says he needs to do this on his own and for himself which I understand it can't be for me or the kids. He's tried that before and it never worked.
Nevertheless congratulations on 5 years sobriety and yes he has to do this for himself. It just so hard watching someone I love spiral but I have to step back. I am trying to focus on myself and yes I do need to watch I'm not enabling him and be very mindful of my codie behaviour.
Thank you everyone
I guess I have to realise that if he wants my help he will ask for it. He says he wants to come home and loves me but there are days when he wants to drink the place dry and it's days like this that he feels he can't come home, how he feels about things depends on how he feels that day and whether he is drinking.
I understand what you are saying heartcore about men feeling that the power is taken from them, this may be why he says he needs to do this on his own and for himself which I understand it can't be for me or the kids. He's tried that before and it never worked.
Nevertheless congratulations on 5 years sobriety and yes he has to do this for himself. It just so hard watching someone I love spiral but I have to step back. I am trying to focus on myself and yes I do need to watch I'm not enabling him and be very mindful of my codie behaviour.
Thank you everyone
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