Diary of a Mad Cow, Part VII: "This Is the End?"
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Diary of a Mad Cow, Part VII: "This Is the End?" Hello Kittens, Cow been busy grieving and suffering. 
I has pancreatitis and has been very painful. Also, my elderly neighbor and surrogate momma has call hospice, ironically, cuz among other issue, she can no longer live with pain of her own pancreatitis. Looking at her frail, spent self, I see me. And I losing another momma. I fresh out of mommas again.
So, lately I go back and re-read all Cow thread. Yes, all 3000+ postings. Was pretty unbearable, but I feel to do it. I come to SR over year ago thinking was really my time to get sober. Then I proceed to relapse every other Goddamn day. Is all there in absurd, brutal, humiliating black and white. (okay purple and white). Lot of people pop in along the way to say was like car crash you not can look away from.
Was in next couple Chapter that lot of people start to push Cow. I start to get call out, big time. And even though I had full quiver of “yes, but’s,” I know everybody right and my confessional Cow vignette pretty much say it all, then and now:
Indeed. And soon enough, I exhausts lot of you who was fighting the good fight for Cow. Is only reasonable. Was just over and over, same things, over and over.
Then, slow but sure, threads begin transmutation into exact same dynamic I has with family, friend and even therapists in real life. Which is, issues fade into background as people gravitates to Cow’s most positive and entertaining characteristic –my humor. It most enjoyable aspect of Cow and give off illusion that I not sick miserable sot, so is only natural that this where anybody who hang out with Cow for any length of time will take refuge. And I culpable and encourages that and soon enough we end up with Cow’s Comedy Corner Open Mike Night, trading banter and quips –while I still dying inside. I know some of you express frustration with that, and Fini call it out long time ago: “We're all helping you stay right where you're at.”
So, where is Cow at? Well, I fully dissolved into anhedonia, addiction and depression. Tide has sweep out to sea last bit of hope I holding onto. Yes I did try, in fits and starts, to swim after it, but was futile. By end of last Chapter, was clear to me, I probable gonna die. I just not able to help self and not able to get help for self. Is not so much “I not care" or “I give up.” Is more like, I simply devoid of any motivations or feeling or interest or even basic survival instinct that would make such effort possible. I unable to fill time in any ways other than physical, emotional and mental dis-ease. Certainly I not able to enjoy time, nor find any meaning, purpose or fulfillment in passing of time. Is like waiting room where all magazines suck and they never actual gonna call you in.
Still, I keeping my promise to you. Never would I just leave you kind and generous Chuckleheads hanging. But also, I not have much to say.
Please not feel to give any advices or encouragements. Is nothing gonna happen except Cow sip broth and stare into space and wait to see if I maybe get lucky and the forced sobriety of painful disease will reap some ill gotten gains. Would be only fitting for Cow if it take that which kill me to end up saving me.
But that maybe fairy tale talk. I guess we shall see. Okay, so I like to know how you all doing?
[last thread here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ging-bull.html - D
I has pancreatitis and has been very painful. Also, my elderly neighbor and surrogate momma has call hospice, ironically, cuz among other issue, she can no longer live with pain of her own pancreatitis. Looking at her frail, spent self, I see me. And I losing another momma. I fresh out of mommas again. So, lately I go back and re-read all Cow thread. Yes, all 3000+ postings. Was pretty unbearable, but I feel to do it. I come to SR over year ago thinking was really my time to get sober. Then I proceed to relapse every other Goddamn day. Is all there in absurd, brutal, humiliating black and white. (okay purple and white). Lot of people pop in along the way to say was like car crash you not can look away from.
Was in next couple Chapter that lot of people start to push Cow. I start to get call out, big time. And even though I had full quiver of “yes, but’s,” I know everybody right and my confessional Cow vignette pretty much say it all, then and now:
Cow: And then, was like they stay up all night to post how much I defensive and in denial and how I like big “buts.” What is my enjoyment of large derriere has to do with anything, Teddy?! And Robot is all, oh, I Robot and is never wrong in my verbose pontifications and here is some more robot word salad to make you feel bad, maybe you like that with a nice balsamic dressing I can replicate. Who built that thing anyway?! Even the guinea pig is like, it you own arms and hands that lifting substances to you mouth! No, it my stupid brain! You know guinea pigs can no even reach they tiny hands to they mouth, so sobriety EASY for them! Really Teddy, is like they all prefer if I just lies to them about some bullcrap progress I making instead of tells them truth what really go on with me, or maybe what really go on with me is waste of they time, cuz I not getting with they program. Is like they think I not trying at all, when I tries every day, superhard, right Teddy?
Teddy: Well, you sure talk about trying. I mean, nobody talks more about trying than you, Cow. Didn't you just get your 20-year "Talking About Trying" chip?
Cow: ... You not helping, Teddy.
Teddy: Maybe they just don't appreciate the expertise and longevity you've demonstrated in staying an addict. I mean, come on, who has almost died more times than you! Jails, hospitals, car crashes, rehab, doctors, therapists –a lesser addict would have totally gotten sober by now. It shows real commitment, Cow.
Teddy: Well, you sure talk about trying. I mean, nobody talks more about trying than you, Cow. Didn't you just get your 20-year "Talking About Trying" chip?
Cow: ... You not helping, Teddy.
Teddy: Maybe they just don't appreciate the expertise and longevity you've demonstrated in staying an addict. I mean, come on, who has almost died more times than you! Jails, hospitals, car crashes, rehab, doctors, therapists –a lesser addict would have totally gotten sober by now. It shows real commitment, Cow.
Then, slow but sure, threads begin transmutation into exact same dynamic I has with family, friend and even therapists in real life. Which is, issues fade into background as people gravitates to Cow’s most positive and entertaining characteristic –my humor. It most enjoyable aspect of Cow and give off illusion that I not sick miserable sot, so is only natural that this where anybody who hang out with Cow for any length of time will take refuge. And I culpable and encourages that and soon enough we end up with Cow’s Comedy Corner Open Mike Night, trading banter and quips –while I still dying inside. I know some of you express frustration with that, and Fini call it out long time ago: “We're all helping you stay right where you're at.”
So, where is Cow at? Well, I fully dissolved into anhedonia, addiction and depression. Tide has sweep out to sea last bit of hope I holding onto. Yes I did try, in fits and starts, to swim after it, but was futile. By end of last Chapter, was clear to me, I probable gonna die. I just not able to help self and not able to get help for self. Is not so much “I not care" or “I give up.” Is more like, I simply devoid of any motivations or feeling or interest or even basic survival instinct that would make such effort possible. I unable to fill time in any ways other than physical, emotional and mental dis-ease. Certainly I not able to enjoy time, nor find any meaning, purpose or fulfillment in passing of time. Is like waiting room where all magazines suck and they never actual gonna call you in.
Still, I keeping my promise to you. Never would I just leave you kind and generous Chuckleheads hanging. But also, I not have much to say.
Please not feel to give any advices or encouragements. Is nothing gonna happen except Cow sip broth and stare into space and wait to see if I maybe get lucky and the forced sobriety of painful disease will reap some ill gotten gains. Would be only fitting for Cow if it take that which kill me to end up saving me.
But that maybe fairy tale talk. I guess we shall see. Okay, so I like to know how you all doing?
[last thread here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ging-bull.html - D
Last edited by Dee74; 09-14-2014 at 07:59 PM.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Hi Cow. I can't get that lion video out of my mind. I found one to post back to you.
The Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger (original narration by Randall) - YouTube
The Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger (original narration by Randall) - YouTube
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,042
I have a cold. Nothing interesting. I'm glad you're here though because if you'd like to stop over and see, sometime between 8:30 - 9:00 p.m. EST tomorrow I'm posting the daily list of people who've checked in on the 24 Hour thread in honor of cows. Really. Even if you hadn't been around on SR I would have done it, because the cow is a sacred animal, but I'm glad to be able to tell you.
Just editing to confess: I've been doing spirit animals/totems for about 2 weeks and I've put off cow until last, hoping you'd come back to inspire me. That's a lot for me to admit -- I hoped you'd come back. And you did! That's something!
Just editing to confess: I've been doing spirit animals/totems for about 2 weeks and I've put off cow until last, hoping you'd come back to inspire me. That's a lot for me to admit -- I hoped you'd come back. And you did! That's something!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,443
Hi Cow.
How am I?
I took your advice and cut bait. Well, almost cut bait.
I perforated bait.
Took the new job and am still working at the old job....for just a little bit.
So, thank you for your advice to me.
Also, just wanted to say, I had pancreatitis. From drinking. Pretty bad. In fact, really bad. But I got well.
That is all. Just wanted to say that.
Good to see you, Cow.
How am I?
I took your advice and cut bait. Well, almost cut bait.
I perforated bait.
Took the new job and am still working at the old job....for just a little bit.
So, thank you for your advice to me.
Also, just wanted to say, I had pancreatitis. From drinking. Pretty bad. In fact, really bad. But I got well.
That is all. Just wanted to say that.
Good to see you, Cow.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
((((Cow)))) glad to see you. In my soul I can remember the psychic pain of the half shadow life. It's almost a physical pain to me now. I never had pancreatitis, but the agony I think, was as deep.
Love from Lenina.
Ps. Please don't die
Love from Lenina.
Ps. Please don't die
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 306
Hello dear Cow. It doesn't help that you are one of the smart, sentient ones, does it? You know full well what is happening to you. I understand. There are no words to describe that grief.
I am well....not happy, but that may elude me forever, yes? For now, I feel everything is unfolding exactly as it should. I'll take it.
From one warrior to another, keep living, okay?
B
I am well....not happy, but that may elude me forever, yes? For now, I feel everything is unfolding exactly as it should. I'll take it.
From one warrior to another, keep living, okay?
B
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: perth Western Australia
Posts: 132
I have read about all of your threads, even read parts out to my partner. Today, well and yesterday I had thoughts of drinking. Even, thoughts of lying to my partner so I could create the space to drink. Reading your post reminds me where it ends up for me if I do - resigned to the fact Ill probably die - but not dying yet - but not out of hope - but out of hope, back in the crappy cycle of it all, depressed, unmotivated, sick to death 
(this is my favourite smiley for you)
thankyou.
(this is my favourite smiley for you)thankyou.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
doing okay over here.
today's the day Ella-pooch goes to daycare (one morning/week) so i can do stuff other than walking in the woods with her.
i'll be meeting my parents for coffee and bringing them five meals of soup, which i cooked yesterday. with much chopping of veggies, some spices, legumes, yummy.
my relationship with my parents is a difficult one, and doing this for them (i've been doing this for a few months now) is a mixed-emotion-thing, something that feels right though at times a struggle. guilt. resentment. expectation. and more.
my relationship with my siblings is also not easy, but i have just, an hour ago, invited them all to my place for next sunday or the one after. first time in years. not easy, but feels right and brave and different.
these things are "normal" things most people do, but i find them fraught with whirlwinds. all in my head, of course.
in reality, these are simple, straightforward things, and if i just do them, they work well and without drama.
so. that's how i'm doing today. glorious sunny beginning-of-fall day here in Vancouver.
okay. no advice, no encouragement.
if you ever want encouragement, you know you'll get it from us, right?
today's the day Ella-pooch goes to daycare (one morning/week) so i can do stuff other than walking in the woods with her.
i'll be meeting my parents for coffee and bringing them five meals of soup, which i cooked yesterday. with much chopping of veggies, some spices, legumes, yummy.
my relationship with my parents is a difficult one, and doing this for them (i've been doing this for a few months now) is a mixed-emotion-thing, something that feels right though at times a struggle. guilt. resentment. expectation. and more.
my relationship with my siblings is also not easy, but i have just, an hour ago, invited them all to my place for next sunday or the one after. first time in years. not easy, but feels right and brave and different.
these things are "normal" things most people do, but i find them fraught with whirlwinds. all in my head, of course.
in reality, these are simple, straightforward things, and if i just do them, they work well and without drama.
so. that's how i'm doing today. glorious sunny beginning-of-fall day here in Vancouver.
okay. no advice, no encouragement.
if you ever want encouragement, you know you'll get it from us, right?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Gwendolyn Brooks, “Speech to the Young, Speech to the Progress-Toward (Among Them Nora and Henry III)”:
*
Say to them,
say to the down-keepers,
the sun-slappers,
the self-soilers,
the harmony-hushers,
"even if you are not ready for day
it cannot always be night."
You will be right.
For that is the hard home-run.
Live not for battles won.
Live not for the-end-of-the-song.
Live in the along
*
Say to them,
say to the down-keepers,
the sun-slappers,
the self-soilers,
the harmony-hushers,
"even if you are not ready for day
it cannot always be night."
You will be right.
For that is the hard home-run.
Live not for battles won.
Live not for the-end-of-the-song.
Live in the along
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
SR is talking about this, which she never gonna forgives me for posting cuz we both total disturb by it ever since. The Last Lions - Lioness leaves her cub - YouTube Warning: not watch unless you need really good cleansing cry.
Bunny, I got no inspirations for you at this time. As soon as I have sliver of slice of anything resemble inspiration, I let you know.
Olive, yay! You know I very good to give advices, I just very bad to take them.
Bimi, I not really want to die, or think dying for the best. I just think is most likely outcome given preponderance of evidence when looking objectively at facts of the case. But, who know, maybe I go all honeybadger on life's ass at some point and things change. Right now I more like the sad broken lion cub waiting for inevitable. (Sorry, SR!)
jutam, I understand. I glad I can be example. I mean, you know, would be more glamorous if I could be good example. But if my painful ruin deter others from taking step backward, then I'll take it.
fini, yeah, it probable would take weeks for my family to figure out if I in hospital or dead. Unless my poppa has computer problem, then he try to track me down. When I pull on ball of twine that is my FUBAR existence at moment, is definitely poppa in the middle, so I not making him soup, any time soon, aka EVER.
Thank you everybody for welcome and updates. I does like to hear about you.
Bunny, I got no inspirations for you at this time. As soon as I have sliver of slice of anything resemble inspiration, I let you know.
Olive, yay! You know I very good to give advices, I just very bad to take them.
Bimi, I not really want to die, or think dying for the best. I just think is most likely outcome given preponderance of evidence when looking objectively at facts of the case. But, who know, maybe I go all honeybadger on life's ass at some point and things change. Right now I more like the sad broken lion cub waiting for inevitable. (Sorry, SR!)
jutam, I understand. I glad I can be example. I mean, you know, would be more glamorous if I could be good example. But if my painful ruin deter others from taking step backward, then I'll take it.
fini, yeah, it probable would take weeks for my family to figure out if I in hospital or dead. Unless my poppa has computer problem, then he try to track me down. When I pull on ball of twine that is my FUBAR existence at moment, is definitely poppa in the middle, so I not making him soup, any time soon, aka EVER.
Thank you everybody for welcome and updates. I does like to hear about you.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,042
Cow, if you don't know it or can't feel it, it's still true that a person has no control over whether or not they inspire someone else. It's not a gift you give, only that you receive.
I used to teach in a storefront school on the south side of Chicago. And later in a different kind of urban ghetto in another state. You learn pretty fast in situations like those that it's inspiring each and every day when someone just shows up. The odds weren't in their favor to be there at all. Everything else is gravy.
You didn't have to come back to SR and to us. But you did. That's my inspiration for today.
I used to teach in a storefront school on the south side of Chicago. And later in a different kind of urban ghetto in another state. You learn pretty fast in situations like those that it's inspiring each and every day when someone just shows up. The odds weren't in their favor to be there at all. Everything else is gravy.
You didn't have to come back to SR and to us. But you did. That's my inspiration for today.
Not much else I can say about it.
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