Diary of a Mad Cow, Part VII: "This Is the End?"
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
For me, there is real joy felt in being free from my addiction to alcohol, even after 33 years. I drank to feel differently. I also quit and have stayed sober to feel differently too. Feelings are important enough to me to make or break my enjoyment of life. Of course, I also believe I am what I think and feel too all the good, bad, and the ugly inclusive. This really means I create accommodation for the surreal existence of my life as well as for my personal take on my existence, lol.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
First, I did not say I looking for constant joy or anything, what I said in original post was:
JD, believe me, nobody want "progress" more than me. That where I thought we was going when I start this, but now it kind of turn into a sad documentary about alcoholism and mental illness. Doh! I think it still important documentation though. And oh so common. And at least couple people say my writings have help them in some way. That something. I honest not know what ending will be.
I remember D once say, if he had been posting first couple years when he trying to get sober, it also would have been horrorshow.
Oh, and JD, I not talk in third person hardly ever. I say I and me and has fully confess that I actual human (NO?! YES!) And has even put several pictures of self up. So, I has to protest that. This is my voice.
Robot/JD, No, I not have baseline. Although I was sober from alcohol for some time after meth OD, I was complete mess physical and mental from OD, including seizures, nerve disorders, panic attack and acute depersonalizations and was on succession of at least 30 seizure and psyche drugs which make me even more crazy. I did try to drink, but always end up in hospital. But no way was any kind of baseline establish during this time.
Okay, off to see the doctor!
Originally Posted by Cow 
I devoid of any motivations or feeling or interest or even basic survival instinct. I unable to fill time in any ways other than physical, emotional and mental dis-ease. Certainly I not able to enjoy time, nor find any meaning, purpose or fulfillment in passing of time.
I remember D once say, if he had been posting first couple years when he trying to get sober, it also would have been horrorshow.
Oh, and JD, I not talk in third person hardly ever. I say I and me and has fully confess that I actual human (NO?! YES!) And has even put several pictures of self up. So, I has to protest that. This is my voice.
Robot/JD, No, I not have baseline. Although I was sober from alcohol for some time after meth OD, I was complete mess physical and mental from OD, including seizures, nerve disorders, panic attack and acute depersonalizations and was on succession of at least 30 seizure and psyche drugs which make me even more crazy. I did try to drink, but always end up in hospital. But no way was any kind of baseline establish during this time.
Okay, off to see the doctor!
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,042
Let us know how things go at the doctor's this evening, ok, cow? I missed your last post (the one right above here) and got ridiculously worried about you. Ridiculous because what in the world could I do if you went dark? But absurd or not, you as a twisted thread are still part of my fabric.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Go dark? What is I, Jack Bauer? Please not worry. I keep tell you guys I promise to never just disappears on you.
Doctor visit not go well, mainly cuz I fires him. First he make me wait whole hour, than other half hour in the little room, after I already tell them I have tight schedule. Then he want to do all this invasive testings that I not think necessary to do all at once, and he dismiss me like I should just shut up and do as he say. He not patient enough to listen clearly about my other complications which is big factor in anything that is done. So, no way I gonna try to work with this guy. Already have new doctor pick out. I gonna go with a girl doctor.
Saw Maggie today. More plumbing fiasco in her place and I trying to advocate for her between neighbor above and plumbers and who is responsible and what to do. Ugh. She just laying there in broken little heap. So I go over and was all tender and say, hey, listen, no worry about it. And she go, "I'm not. I'm gonna f*cking die and let you guys deal with this sh*t!" Now that the Maggie I love.
Doctor visit not go well, mainly cuz I fires him. First he make me wait whole hour, than other half hour in the little room, after I already tell them I have tight schedule. Then he want to do all this invasive testings that I not think necessary to do all at once, and he dismiss me like I should just shut up and do as he say. He not patient enough to listen clearly about my other complications which is big factor in anything that is done. So, no way I gonna try to work with this guy. Already have new doctor pick out. I gonna go with a girl doctor.
Saw Maggie today. More plumbing fiasco in her place and I trying to advocate for her between neighbor above and plumbers and who is responsible and what to do. Ugh. She just laying there in broken little heap. So I go over and was all tender and say, hey, listen, no worry about it. And she go, "I'm not. I'm gonna f*cking die and let you guys deal with this sh*t!" Now that the Maggie I love.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,996
I have treatment resistant depression marked by severe anhedonia. My psychiatrist has recommended trans magnetic cranial stimulation. Cow, have you tried this?
Thanks. Oh I'm almost 15 months sober from alcohol.
Thanks. Oh I'm almost 15 months sober from alcohol.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Bummer Leshar, pu pu platter of depression & anhedonia total suck. Is you insurance cover TMS? It contraindicated for seizures and mania, but I maybe willing to risk it if promising. On forums I read mix result. You gonna do it?
Viking, glad you chime in. Sorry about you doggie. Stupid sack of rocks!
Viking, glad you chime in. Sorry about you doggie. Stupid sack of rocks!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 306
Originally Posted by jdooner
At the risk of upsetting many of you, I find this thread sad. While I understand it’s under the auspices of recovery…I wonder if it really is productive? I mean getting better would imply forward progress. Even as Cow points out this is not the case. So in a way it just becomes enabling even if Cow secretly wants this attention based on Cow's talents (wit, humor, tenor). Are we not enslaving Cow to this thread, implied or otherwise?
We do this to Celebrities all the time. Stardom removes anonymity and at some point they become enslaved by their fame. Even low grade comedians and entertainers exhibit this phenomenon. There is a movie that personifies my point fully, The Wrestler with Mickey Rourke. Addicted to a cocktail of steroids and pills just to entertain and not even break even financially…addicted to the drama and the fame really. Is this different?
But nothing changes if nothing changes so is contribution really just enabling? Cow I sincerely hope you get better - if nothing else it would be great to read about your metamorphosis so we don't all milk you daily for our own needs.
We do this to Celebrities all the time. Stardom removes anonymity and at some point they become enslaved by their fame. Even low grade comedians and entertainers exhibit this phenomenon. There is a movie that personifies my point fully, The Wrestler with Mickey Rourke. Addicted to a cocktail of steroids and pills just to entertain and not even break even financially…addicted to the drama and the fame really. Is this different?
But nothing changes if nothing changes so is contribution really just enabling? Cow I sincerely hope you get better - if nothing else it would be great to read about your metamorphosis so we don't all milk you daily for our own needs.
This is the best and most relevant insight I have read on this forum in weeks. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,996
Hello Cow,
I live in Canada. I don't know if my provincial health plan covers TCMS. I was so distraught at the idea that I never thought to ask. I've been on every anti depressant known to man. I don't know. The idea frightens me. May I ask where you read on forums about this rx?
I live in Canada. I don't know if my provincial health plan covers TCMS. I was so distraught at the idea that I never thought to ask. I've been on every anti depressant known to man. I don't know. The idea frightens me. May I ask where you read on forums about this rx?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Originally Posted by jdooner View Post
At the risk of upsetting many of you, I find this thread sad. While I understand it’s under the auspices of recovery…I wonder if it really is productive? I mean getting better would imply forward progress. Even as Cow points out this is not the case. So in a way it just becomes enabling even if Cow secretly wants this attention based on Cow's talents (wit, humor, tenor). Are we not enslaving Cow to this thread, implied or otherwise?
We do this to Celebrities all the time. Stardom removes anonymity and at some point they become enslaved by their fame. Even low grade comedians and entertainers exhibit this phenomenon. There is a movie that personifies my point fully, The Wrestler with Mickey Rourke. Addicted to a cocktail of steroids and pills just to entertain and not even break even financially…addicted to the drama and the fame really. Is this different?
But nothing changes if nothing changes so is contribution really just enabling? Cow I sincerely hope you get better - if nothing else it would be great to read about your metamorphosis so we don't all milk you daily for our own needs.
This is the best and most relevant insight I have read on this forum in weeks. Thank you.
of course this is sad. and a whole bunch of other things. and the "enabling" conversation...many of us have had that one here several times.
and though it can be easy to find oneself entrenched in a persona, we do all have choices about how we present ourselves. "we" are not enslaving anyone, and Cow could, just as any of us, change the way she writes here. if she decided.
i've wondered what would happen if her font were mine or yours, no colours, no larger, just bland black letters, and no cute cow avatars.
how would we read it?
how would we respond?
would there be over 3,000 posts by now in combined threads?
what is the pull?
we all know there are many others on the forums suffering, less eloquently. just as real.
Cow chooses to put herself here THIS way. and THIS way , i'm assuming, works best for you, Cow, or you'd change it. whatever way that working for you looks like.
that, as you said previously here:
Then, slow but sure, threads begin transmutation into exact same dynamic I has with family, friend and even therapists in real life. Which is, issues fade into background as people gravitates to Cow’s most positive and entertaining characteristic –my humor. It most enjoyable aspect of Cow and give off illusion that I not sick miserable sot, so is only natural that this where anybody who hang out with Cow for any length of time will take refuge. And I culpable and encourages that and soon enough we end up with Cow’s Comedy Corner Open Mike Night, trading banter and quips –while I still dying inside. I know some of you express frustration with that, and Fini call it out long time ago: “We're all helping you stay right where you're at.”
that this happens...you could change it, if you wanted.
so could we.
sometimes, some of us try.
but what for? it implies an agenda, i think. one of goodwill, and care, but an agenda nonetheless.
and in that vein it's interesting to see all that Cow and cow-threads evoke in the rest of us. and how we deal with that
At the risk of upsetting many of you, I find this thread sad. While I understand it’s under the auspices of recovery…I wonder if it really is productive? I mean getting better would imply forward progress. Even as Cow points out this is not the case. So in a way it just becomes enabling even if Cow secretly wants this attention based on Cow's talents (wit, humor, tenor). Are we not enslaving Cow to this thread, implied or otherwise?
We do this to Celebrities all the time. Stardom removes anonymity and at some point they become enslaved by their fame. Even low grade comedians and entertainers exhibit this phenomenon. There is a movie that personifies my point fully, The Wrestler with Mickey Rourke. Addicted to a cocktail of steroids and pills just to entertain and not even break even financially…addicted to the drama and the fame really. Is this different?
But nothing changes if nothing changes so is contribution really just enabling? Cow I sincerely hope you get better - if nothing else it would be great to read about your metamorphosis so we don't all milk you daily for our own needs.
This is the best and most relevant insight I have read on this forum in weeks. Thank you.
of course this is sad. and a whole bunch of other things. and the "enabling" conversation...many of us have had that one here several times.
and though it can be easy to find oneself entrenched in a persona, we do all have choices about how we present ourselves. "we" are not enslaving anyone, and Cow could, just as any of us, change the way she writes here. if she decided.
i've wondered what would happen if her font were mine or yours, no colours, no larger, just bland black letters, and no cute cow avatars.
how would we read it?
how would we respond?
would there be over 3,000 posts by now in combined threads?
what is the pull?
we all know there are many others on the forums suffering, less eloquently. just as real.
Cow chooses to put herself here THIS way. and THIS way , i'm assuming, works best for you, Cow, or you'd change it. whatever way that working for you looks like.
that, as you said previously here:
Then, slow but sure, threads begin transmutation into exact same dynamic I has with family, friend and even therapists in real life. Which is, issues fade into background as people gravitates to Cow’s most positive and entertaining characteristic –my humor. It most enjoyable aspect of Cow and give off illusion that I not sick miserable sot, so is only natural that this where anybody who hang out with Cow for any length of time will take refuge. And I culpable and encourages that and soon enough we end up with Cow’s Comedy Corner Open Mike Night, trading banter and quips –while I still dying inside. I know some of you express frustration with that, and Fini call it out long time ago: “We're all helping you stay right where you're at.”
that this happens...you could change it, if you wanted.
so could we.
sometimes, some of us try.
but what for? it implies an agenda, i think. one of goodwill, and care, but an agenda nonetheless.
and in that vein it's interesting to see all that Cow and cow-threads evoke in the rest of us. and how we deal with that
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
Identifying as an enabler seems to me to be a psychologic power grab, and the flip side is identifying as being enabled by others seems to be a shirking of responsibility.
But then I have trouble with alot of 'recovery' terms and concepts.
But then I have trouble with alot of 'recovery' terms and concepts.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by dwtbd
Identifying as an enabler seems to me to be a psychologic power grab, and the flip side is identifying as being enabled by others seems to be a shirking of responsibility.
But then I have trouble with alot of 'recovery' terms and concepts.
But then I have trouble with alot of 'recovery' terms and concepts.
You guys get it the way I do.
dwt, I spend some energy here and there disputing "recovery" phrases and concepts, too.
Cow will stay or go. My life will not change because of it, of that much I am sure. I wish for her health and know I have no power over it, for good nor evil.
Omnivore
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
Hi Cow,
I just noticed today you are back! Sorry to say I am the #1 largest offender in the here bc Cow is so funny group. So Sorry! I hoped that my expression of gratitude for your gallows humor would be a source of satisfaction for you. If not, I still can't look away. Your humor helps me.
How am I doing - just ok. Other than not drinking, my life is continuing on a steep downward spiral. My children and dogs being the only bright spots in my life. So gallows humor is very much still needed. I'm sure it would be even worse if I had not quit drinking when I did. I've no desire to start up again.
As for sobriety, pretty good. My wife also reads Cow and is doing her personal best impression of Cow, alternating between sobriety and not sobriety. She went so far in imitation of Cow as to buy Malbec, even though up until recently Chardonnay was the ONLY poison of choice. Out of pure curiosity I decided to take a few "pulls" off the Malbec bottle. Good sized ones. I never was all that into sipping wine from a glass, lol.
That was my only break from sobriety. I must say I enjoyed the taste thoroughly but thought that for the size of the pulls I'd feel more buzz. Oh and the next day, I had a whopper of a head ache, all day long! So if I decide to get off the sober bus any time soon, I won't be buying any Malbec! Maybe as a harm reduction strategy you could just switch to Chardonnay, lol.
My work load is increasing as my income declines so I've only read your first post so far.
-- Now Running
I just noticed today you are back! Sorry to say I am the #1 largest offender in the here bc Cow is so funny group. So Sorry! I hoped that my expression of gratitude for your gallows humor would be a source of satisfaction for you. If not, I still can't look away. Your humor helps me.
How am I doing - just ok. Other than not drinking, my life is continuing on a steep downward spiral. My children and dogs being the only bright spots in my life. So gallows humor is very much still needed. I'm sure it would be even worse if I had not quit drinking when I did. I've no desire to start up again.
As for sobriety, pretty good. My wife also reads Cow and is doing her personal best impression of Cow, alternating between sobriety and not sobriety. She went so far in imitation of Cow as to buy Malbec, even though up until recently Chardonnay was the ONLY poison of choice. Out of pure curiosity I decided to take a few "pulls" off the Malbec bottle. Good sized ones. I never was all that into sipping wine from a glass, lol.
That was my only break from sobriety. I must say I enjoyed the taste thoroughly but thought that for the size of the pulls I'd feel more buzz. Oh and the next day, I had a whopper of a head ache, all day long! So if I decide to get off the sober bus any time soon, I won't be buying any Malbec! Maybe as a harm reduction strategy you could just switch to Chardonnay, lol.
My work load is increasing as my income declines so I've only read your first post so far.
-- Now Running
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
I deal with depression myself and it can take all of ones strength just to survive. To even talk about these issues takes courage and to inject a little humor into the suffering is inspirational to many. Everything is not black and white, there are some depressions that seem to get better only to return again and again.
I know that when I was in a very depressed state I would do anything not to feel that way. If it meant using alcohol then thats what I did. It never worked tho because the alcohol would wear off and I would feel even worse than I did before. I guess the question came down to was the short term relief worth the rebound effect that was sure to follow, for me anyhow it proved to be a failed experiment. Amyhow, I wish you only the best Cow, I know its never easy.
I know that when I was in a very depressed state I would do anything not to feel that way. If it meant using alcohol then thats what I did. It never worked tho because the alcohol would wear off and I would feel even worse than I did before. I guess the question came down to was the short term relief worth the rebound effect that was sure to follow, for me anyhow it proved to be a failed experiment. Amyhow, I wish you only the best Cow, I know its never easy.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Thinking of you, Cow.
I'm bummed out today because of a conversation with an old friend. He said some things that really hurt to hear. I try to take what he says with large grains of salt, but it's weighing on my mind and heart this time.
I drank a large coffee and ate a large chunk of Italian cream cake. It didn't help. In fact, I'm thinking of giving up my coffee... for good. I just think it causes more problems for me than I want to deal with. So does the sugar.
How is your broth today? What kind of broth do you drink? Hope your pain is subsiding.
I'm bummed out today because of a conversation with an old friend. He said some things that really hurt to hear. I try to take what he says with large grains of salt, but it's weighing on my mind and heart this time.
I drank a large coffee and ate a large chunk of Italian cream cake. It didn't help. In fact, I'm thinking of giving up my coffee... for good. I just think it causes more problems for me than I want to deal with. So does the sugar.
How is your broth today? What kind of broth do you drink? Hope your pain is subsiding.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,042
Originally Posted by biminiblue
Cow will stay or go. My life will not change because of it, of that much I am sure. I wish for her health and know I have no power over it, for good nor evil.
I've seen people come to SR looking to be enabled in their relapse behavior, addict thought patterns, and so on. That has never been the way I've read Cow's posts here. Just my perception.
Those who aren't ok with how the interactions on this thread proceed are free of course to say so. But it seems like a shame (though natural) for anyone to leave Cow's side now when she's down.
Cow, I'm still feeling a bit poorly myself. I had very upscale matzoh ball soup today which fortunately I didn't have to pay for. The worst matzoh ball soup of my life. Some things shouldn't be upscaled.
On the way, I walked by the Chelsea Hotel. You know, Dylan Thomas, Leonard Cohen, Bob Dylan, Arthur Miller. Always makes me a little ...morbid I guess is the word.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,042
Oh golly -- I almost forgot to post this IMPORTANT MUST-READ link: The True Cost Of Printing In Comic Sans Is As Horrifying As You'd Imagine
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Why everybody pick on my font? Jesus God. Is same font I use forever for my emails and stuff. I just happens to like it. So what?
True, Cow avatar very adorable. But everybody has avatar, yes? Other than this. I think words like "performance" and "persona" is very strong given way I have been so openly honest about my situations. My point was just that, like in real life, where I obvious not wearing adorable Cow suit and speaking in purple fonts, people still gravitate toward same dynamic with me, wherein humor become easiest wavelength and deeper, more compilcated issues fade to back. I will say though, this thread seem much more to get back on balance in this regard.
Point could be made that Cow should no even have threads if I not making progress. Is a recovery forum, yes? So if I not on acceptable trajectory toward recovery, maybe would be right to get the heave ho. Personal, I think there is thing to be learn not only from those who succeed, but also from those who fail.
Go without saying, not every addict gonna recover. Most probable not. Maybe they die or just fade away into they disease or just stop posting out of humiliation or shame. Is hard for those around them. Some will desperate try to help, some will shun them, some will turn away from sadness of it, some will get angry at them or do the tough love, and many just has to throw up they hands with frustrations. Or wash they hands and be done. Is maybe hardest just to be witness.
But I think we not can be too hard on those who not successful. Everybody has unique history and challenges and constitution. I not sure is for anybody to judge anybody else's "fight" or "resilliency." We not have to care, but we not has to judge. And for most part, is very little judgement on SR, no matter the madness, I has find lot of acceptance here. That give me comfort. And I need comforts. So I take where I can get. That my agenda, if you wish to call it that.
SJ, I drink marrow bone broth from grass fed cows. Chock full of vitamin and mineral! I still having little bit of the coffee. And I total agree it cause problem. Maybe you and I be coffee sobriety partners, do it together? You think?
True, Cow avatar very adorable. But everybody has avatar, yes? Other than this. I think words like "performance" and "persona" is very strong given way I have been so openly honest about my situations. My point was just that, like in real life, where I obvious not wearing adorable Cow suit and speaking in purple fonts, people still gravitate toward same dynamic with me, wherein humor become easiest wavelength and deeper, more compilcated issues fade to back. I will say though, this thread seem much more to get back on balance in this regard.
Point could be made that Cow should no even have threads if I not making progress. Is a recovery forum, yes? So if I not on acceptable trajectory toward recovery, maybe would be right to get the heave ho. Personal, I think there is thing to be learn not only from those who succeed, but also from those who fail.
Go without saying, not every addict gonna recover. Most probable not. Maybe they die or just fade away into they disease or just stop posting out of humiliation or shame. Is hard for those around them. Some will desperate try to help, some will shun them, some will turn away from sadness of it, some will get angry at them or do the tough love, and many just has to throw up they hands with frustrations. Or wash they hands and be done. Is maybe hardest just to be witness.
But I think we not can be too hard on those who not successful. Everybody has unique history and challenges and constitution. I not sure is for anybody to judge anybody else's "fight" or "resilliency." We not have to care, but we not has to judge. And for most part, is very little judgement on SR, no matter the madness, I has find lot of acceptance here. That give me comfort. And I need comforts. So I take where I can get. That my agenda, if you wish to call it that.
SJ, I drink marrow bone broth from grass fed cows. Chock full of vitamin and mineral! I still having little bit of the coffee. And I total agree it cause problem. Maybe you and I be coffee sobriety partners, do it together? You think?
Omnivore
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
Cow,
It takes a special kind of courage to post about failing. It is much easier to come here and say, "I'm doing well." That you still come after a year of this and post to help others is admirable. That you endure the harsh comments to be here.
I know you fear you will fail in the end but it is not over yet. As long as you keep coming here there is a chance that being here will benefit not just people like me, but you too. Even if you leave SR, as long as you keep trying in the real world, there is hope you will get some time on earth at peace with yourself.
Keep trying Cow!
It takes a special kind of courage to post about failing. It is much easier to come here and say, "I'm doing well." That you still come after a year of this and post to help others is admirable. That you endure the harsh comments to be here.
I know you fear you will fail in the end but it is not over yet. As long as you keep coming here there is a chance that being here will benefit not just people like me, but you too. Even if you leave SR, as long as you keep trying in the real world, there is hope you will get some time on earth at peace with yourself.
Keep trying Cow!
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