Diary of a Mad Cow, Part VII: "This Is the End?"
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,021
Lenina, there was something funny about your link to the Wikiped entry on the Hanged Man so here it is again:The Hanged Man (Tarot card) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
I'm aware of the card, having purloined my big sister's Rider pack as my first one when I was 11. I still find the symbols to be very evocative.
trach, first I look at these interchanges as a kind of whistling in the dark until Cow makes a reappearance. Also, I believe in the principle that no individual poster owns a thread on SR. Not even the OP. Including Cow. A thread has a life of its own. So does recovery.
I'm aware of the card, having purloined my big sister's Rider pack as my first one when I was 11. I still find the symbols to be very evocative.
trach, first I look at these interchanges as a kind of whistling in the dark until Cow makes a reappearance. Also, I believe in the principle that no individual poster owns a thread on SR. Not even the OP. Including Cow. A thread has a life of its own. So does recovery.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,055
Here I was reading Cow's thread, and I almost forgot to check in for the 24-Hour Club!
Hope you don't mind that I post this here for Cow to read:
Hope you don't mind that I post this here for Cow to read:
Originally Posted by courage2 
Good evening, friends!
Last entry for spirit or recovery animals: the cow. No one here asked for the cow, but I post on the cow because I’m very fond of a cow-person on SR tho not on this thread (so far), and I lived in India for a year, where it can hardly help rubbing off on a person to look at the cow as a sacred animal. Hindus venerate the cow through gho pooja and especially on holidays like Pongal and Divali.
The cow is the mother animal. The comfort animal. The breast that’s the source of only goodness and no gall. As children we long for her, reach for her, cry for her, and eventually we begin to learn that what we crave & perceive as the source of everything that nurtures us can also hurt us and reject us. So we don’t worship our mothers, but we always keep that longing, don’t we? And the cow embodies that longing, that adoration of the nurturing mother who can never really exist in the world we inhabit.
For images and quotes from the Vedas about cows and the god Krishna, the divine keeper of cows, see this website: Glories of Mother Cow (Vedic Quotes) | Save the Cow. Here’s one Vedic verse: “When Lord Krishna plays the flute, the surabhi cows become completely enchanted. The cows then make many great rivers of fragrant milk flow from the great mountains of their udders, rivers that join to become an ocean, an ocean of milk like a great moat surrounding Goloka on all sides. These cows are kamadhenu cows, cows that fulfill all desires, for from them flows an ocean of milk.”
I’m looking forward to seeing everyone in the next 24 hours!
Last entry for spirit or recovery animals: the cow. No one here asked for the cow, but I post on the cow because I’m very fond of a cow-person on SR tho not on this thread (so far), and I lived in India for a year, where it can hardly help rubbing off on a person to look at the cow as a sacred animal. Hindus venerate the cow through gho pooja and especially on holidays like Pongal and Divali.
The cow is the mother animal. The comfort animal. The breast that’s the source of only goodness and no gall. As children we long for her, reach for her, cry for her, and eventually we begin to learn that what we crave & perceive as the source of everything that nurtures us can also hurt us and reject us. So we don’t worship our mothers, but we always keep that longing, don’t we? And the cow embodies that longing, that adoration of the nurturing mother who can never really exist in the world we inhabit.
For images and quotes from the Vedas about cows and the god Krishna, the divine keeper of cows, see this website: Glories of Mother Cow (Vedic Quotes) | Save the Cow. Here’s one Vedic verse: “When Lord Krishna plays the flute, the surabhi cows become completely enchanted. The cows then make many great rivers of fragrant milk flow from the great mountains of their udders, rivers that join to become an ocean, an ocean of milk like a great moat surrounding Goloka on all sides. These cows are kamadhenu cows, cows that fulfill all desires, for from them flows an ocean of milk.”
I’m looking forward to seeing everyone in the next 24 hours!
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Originally Posted by courage2
trach, first I look at these interchanges as a kind of whistling in the dark until Cow makes a reappearance. Also, I believe in the principle that no individual poster owns a thread on SR. Not even the OP. Including Cow. A thread has a life of its own. So does recovery.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,350
Thanks for posting that ColdFusion. That was an awesome post Snarkbunny. I found this about the hanged man tarot card. I found it very fitting for a recovery avatar.
DESCRIPTION
The Hanged Man is one of the most mysterious cards in the tarot deck. It is simple, but complex. It attracts, but also disturbs. It contradicts itself in countless ways. The Hanged Man is unsettling because it symbolizes the action of paradox in our lives. A paradox is something that appears contradictory, and yet is true. The Hanged Man presents to us certain truths, but they are hidden in their opposites.
The main lesson of the Hanged Man is that we "control" by letting go - we "win" by surrendering. The figure on Card 12 has made the ultimate surrender - to die on the cross of his own travails - yet he shines with the glory of divine understanding. He has sacrificed himself, but he emerges the victor. The Hanged Man also tells us that we can "move forward" by standing still. By suspending time, we can have all the time in the world.
In readings, the Hanged Man reminds us that the best approach to a problem is not always the most obvious. When we most want to force our will on someone, that is when we should release. When we most want to have our own way, that is when we should sacrifice. When we most want to act, that is when we should wait. The irony is that by making these contradictory moves, we find what we are looking for.
DESCRIPTION
The Hanged Man is one of the most mysterious cards in the tarot deck. It is simple, but complex. It attracts, but also disturbs. It contradicts itself in countless ways. The Hanged Man is unsettling because it symbolizes the action of paradox in our lives. A paradox is something that appears contradictory, and yet is true. The Hanged Man presents to us certain truths, but they are hidden in their opposites.
The main lesson of the Hanged Man is that we "control" by letting go - we "win" by surrendering. The figure on Card 12 has made the ultimate surrender - to die on the cross of his own travails - yet he shines with the glory of divine understanding. He has sacrificed himself, but he emerges the victor. The Hanged Man also tells us that we can "move forward" by standing still. By suspending time, we can have all the time in the world.
In readings, the Hanged Man reminds us that the best approach to a problem is not always the most obvious. When we most want to force our will on someone, that is when we should release. When we most want to have our own way, that is when we should sacrifice. When we most want to act, that is when we should wait. The irony is that by making these contradictory moves, we find what we are looking for.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Okay, I back. Well, let see, um, glad everybody figure out what time it is in every freaking state in the Union. 
fini, I realize we all dying. My grief is that I really wanted to have even just small window where I actual enjoy life and feel good. But starving babies in Africa would like some rice, so we not all get what we want.
Bunny, I read your thing on Cows. It kind of past my woo point. However, I could maybe be the mysterious Hanged Cow.
LeTheVerte, I glad you wept for little lion cub. I think everyone should weep for him. Of course, in weeping for him, we weep for ourselves. I think is inherent deep feeling of abandonment inside all of us, and knowledge that, at end of day, we all dies alone.
Trach, just because you brayings not get response, does no mean God not hear them. God always answer you brayers, sometime, he just say "no" ...or some such bullsh*t like that, okay?
SR, yeah, and we was suppose to be in flying cars by now. I still think is best future if Earth shake human off like fleas, before we total destroys her and all her beautiful creatures.
Lenina, I not like concept of Big Void at all, but I total accept consciousness not survive death. Of course, once you dead, you not gonna care, so is really just rumination on this knowledge that suck. Like I say to fini, I more bummed that I not have a happy life, since I think you only get the one.
And finally, you guys make sound like I rarely post. When I put thread up I post several time a day. Maybe not 18 time like some of you, but, Jesus God, I very busy sipping broth and staring into space. And like Bunny say, is more of a salon situation at this point. Having said that, Trach, I actual does appreciate more subdue side of you. But then, Curb You Enthusiasm one of my favorite show ever.
Okay, Cow need to graze now.
fini, I realize we all dying. My grief is that I really wanted to have even just small window where I actual enjoy life and feel good. But starving babies in Africa would like some rice, so we not all get what we want.
Bunny, I read your thing on Cows. It kind of past my woo point. However, I could maybe be the mysterious Hanged Cow.
LeTheVerte, I glad you wept for little lion cub. I think everyone should weep for him. Of course, in weeping for him, we weep for ourselves. I think is inherent deep feeling of abandonment inside all of us, and knowledge that, at end of day, we all dies alone.
Trach, just because you brayings not get response, does no mean God not hear them. God always answer you brayers, sometime, he just say "no" ...or some such bullsh*t like that, okay?
SR, yeah, and we was suppose to be in flying cars by now. I still think is best future if Earth shake human off like fleas, before we total destroys her and all her beautiful creatures.
Lenina, I not like concept of Big Void at all, but I total accept consciousness not survive death. Of course, once you dead, you not gonna care, so is really just rumination on this knowledge that suck. Like I say to fini, I more bummed that I not have a happy life, since I think you only get the one.
And finally, you guys make sound like I rarely post. When I put thread up I post several time a day. Maybe not 18 time like some of you, but, Jesus God, I very busy sipping broth and staring into space. And like Bunny say, is more of a salon situation at this point. Having said that, Trach, I actual does appreciate more subdue side of you. But then, Curb You Enthusiasm one of my favorite show ever.
Okay, Cow need to graze now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Cow, I have no problem with the Big Void. I think nothingness would be fine. I hope for the nothingness. I worry I'll have to come back. in any form, I don't want to. And do agree with you, our poor planet has been plagued by its occupants. I think fighting to preserve Earth for its plants and animals is good. We need to vote. We need to organize. Ah well. that's just me and what I do. It helps me pass the time I have.
Please let your little body heal. Please give yourself time to heal and know even if you don't continue on, you effect others. I hope your dear second Mama is able to enjoy your company and take comfor tin your presence. Sounds like she loves you a lot. would it be good to honor her investment of love to you? maybe you continue on and heal?
Just don't drink any more. Let's stay alive so we can go pee on the graves of those who deserve a good peeing on.
have I said too much?
love from Lenina
Please let your little body heal. Please give yourself time to heal and know even if you don't continue on, you effect others. I hope your dear second Mama is able to enjoy your company and take comfor tin your presence. Sounds like she loves you a lot. would it be good to honor her investment of love to you? maybe you continue on and heal?
Just don't drink any more. Let's stay alive so we can go pee on the graves of those who deserve a good peeing on.
have I said too much?
love from Lenina
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,350
MooMah Cow. It's hard to be in a good mood when your hurting. Pancreatitis maybe even bring down Honey Badger. That other stuff is for fun and imagination Cow. Maybe we get there maybe we don't. What happen to lion wasn't humans fault though. If earth shake us off all that does is nobody left to say that's sad about cub except it's mother. Who is there to record beautiful earth and creatures. It's maybe not alot but it's something.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,884
Am I supposed to just sit here and watch you kill yourself ?
Jesus Christ Cow.
Seizures, pancreatitis.
Will you get up off your ass and FIGHT FOR YOURSELF GOD DAMN IT.
You can take a vertical challenge that almost kills you , with a stupid mini bike, but you can't fight for your own life ?
Go ahead and fight with me, tell me how wrong I am, put me in my place, but for the love of all things holy, SAVE YOURSELF. FROM YOURSELF. Once and for all.
And you say your competitive. Ha !
You are only 48. There is still plenty of time to have that "sliver of happiness" if you EVER stop sabotaging your best efforts.
You are important damn it. The world is a better place because of you. You have the gift to make people laugh, have joy, a temporary reprieve from their struggles. That is your stock in trade. You are freaking brilliant and witty and wise and so many things that so many people admire.
You just make me want to scream F-ck !!!
Will you PLEASE , once and for all, see your worth and understand how much you are a thread in the grand tapestry ?
Damn it Cow. Fight. Harder.
Jesus Christ Cow.
Seizures, pancreatitis.
Will you get up off your ass and FIGHT FOR YOURSELF GOD DAMN IT.
You can take a vertical challenge that almost kills you , with a stupid mini bike, but you can't fight for your own life ?
Go ahead and fight with me, tell me how wrong I am, put me in my place, but for the love of all things holy, SAVE YOURSELF. FROM YOURSELF. Once and for all.
And you say your competitive. Ha !
You are only 48. There is still plenty of time to have that "sliver of happiness" if you EVER stop sabotaging your best efforts.
You are important damn it. The world is a better place because of you. You have the gift to make people laugh, have joy, a temporary reprieve from their struggles. That is your stock in trade. You are freaking brilliant and witty and wise and so many things that so many people admire.
You just make me want to scream F-ck !!!
Will you PLEASE , once and for all, see your worth and understand how much you are a thread in the grand tapestry ?
Damn it Cow. Fight. Harder.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
We've been here before, yeah?
All the wanting and demanding in the world won't change what is what with our dear Cow. We can walk with her, or we cannot, but pushing her around because of how we (may) feel about her challenges is not helpful.
All the wanting and demanding in the world won't change what is what with our dear Cow. We can walk with her, or we cannot, but pushing her around because of how we (may) feel about her challenges is not helpful.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
I've been there before….go for help and then end up ingratiating myself and playing hostess. I think AO is willing to take heat because she takes this stuff seriously. I know we all do. But I think Cow made a crucial point in the OP. This is a pattern. And her mantle of humor and charm gets in the way of accountability. Her facileness with the written word is both a friend and a foe.
It is like having a Maserati in the garage, but you really need to get outside and go for a jog. That smooth ride, and the power associated with it is an intoxication in itself. It is so much more tempting, and it always easier to find someone to ride shotgun in the Maserati instead of going for a sweaty jog.
My M.O. is to disappear, not address things. I avoid conflict and this a perfect format for us noncommittal folk. We can dart and swoop and disappear, no accountability. I think all of us learn from each other. I really appreciated Cow's candor about her frustration, and the fact that this is an old record.
Maybe AO has challenged Cow before. But I believe the genesis of that is because she has a deep respect for Cow. I think we all know AO doesn't jump around setting land mines. We all have real discernible patterns. We are all invested…but hold different things dear.
Some of us are nurturers, some of us are challengers, so of us simply want a cerebral ring toss… Cow, I am glad your feel safe enough to ask for what you need.
But I heard something in the OP that made me think of AO's challenges in the past. I think her insight is relevant. I don't hear AO saying "do it my way". I hear AO saying "you matter, you need to fight for you".
AO is the one who tells you the dress shows the jiggle on the back of your arms….at my age, that is love.
It is like having a Maserati in the garage, but you really need to get outside and go for a jog. That smooth ride, and the power associated with it is an intoxication in itself. It is so much more tempting, and it always easier to find someone to ride shotgun in the Maserati instead of going for a sweaty jog.
My M.O. is to disappear, not address things. I avoid conflict and this a perfect format for us noncommittal folk. We can dart and swoop and disappear, no accountability. I think all of us learn from each other. I really appreciated Cow's candor about her frustration, and the fact that this is an old record.
Maybe AO has challenged Cow before. But I believe the genesis of that is because she has a deep respect for Cow. I think we all know AO doesn't jump around setting land mines. We all have real discernible patterns. We are all invested…but hold different things dear.
Some of us are nurturers, some of us are challengers, so of us simply want a cerebral ring toss… Cow, I am glad your feel safe enough to ask for what you need.
But I heard something in the OP that made me think of AO's challenges in the past. I think her insight is relevant. I don't hear AO saying "do it my way". I hear AO saying "you matter, you need to fight for you".
AO is the one who tells you the dress shows the jiggle on the back of your arms….at my age, that is love.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Cow has challenges specific to her brain chemistry. No immediate known successful remedy exists for her type of forced anhedonia. This has been made abundantly clear in every thread. There is no elective choice around her anhedonia.
I believe in AO. She is a wonderful and caring person. So am I.
Nonetheless, the writing is on the wall for Cow's anhedonia. When this is not taken into account, as if Cow could "think and feel and re-purpose" her way around her actual present self, then is this helpful?
With all respect.
I believe in AO. She is a wonderful and caring person. So am I.
Nonetheless, the writing is on the wall for Cow's anhedonia. When this is not taken into account, as if Cow could "think and feel and re-purpose" her way around her actual present self, then is this helpful?
With all respect.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I agree with jaynie and AO.
I am the friend who tells it like it is IRL. Online not so much.
Cow is complicated - as we all are - I'm not sure how much is surmountable with the current mindset. "Woe is moo" is definitely the default setting here. Sometimes I think we are being spectacularly mined for material. No matter, either way - but it does seem extreme.
I don't have the stomach (or stomachs) to fight too hard here. My style is hit and run in forums. I'm not convinced here that Cow is unable to pull herself up - I am of the belief that we all decide when to do it and she isn't there.
I am the friend who tells it like it is IRL. Online not so much.
Cow is complicated - as we all are - I'm not sure how much is surmountable with the current mindset. "Woe is moo" is definitely the default setting here. Sometimes I think we are being spectacularly mined for material. No matter, either way - but it does seem extreme.
I don't have the stomach (or stomachs) to fight too hard here. My style is hit and run in forums. I'm not convinced here that Cow is unable to pull herself up - I am of the belief that we all decide when to do it and she isn't there.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot
Cow has challenges specific to her brain chemistry. No immediate known successful remedy exists for her type of forced anhedonia. This has been made abundantly clear in every thread. There is no elective choice around her anhedonia.
My earlier reference was wrong. It was actually Natural Born Killers that had the bizaare laugh track, not Pulp Fiction. Also very violent, so you probably haven't seen it, Cow. Funny that fiction on a screen would offend our sensibilities, yet in real life we routinely subject ourselves to abhorrent mistreatment by our own hand. "I can kill myself slowly and painfully, but let me not see fictional violence." Oh the irony.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Please hold on, Cow. It hurts to read these threads knowing you are in pain with pancreatitis at this point. Maybe it hits me too close to home, as I've mentioned my mom had pancreatitis and died at age 52. I should probably bow out of the threads now. It truly saddens me. And I lived helplessly as a child, helpless to stop it. Cow... please, even though you have anhedonia, there is the part of your brain that knows better than to pick up another drink. Please tap into that part. This isn't "the end" and you know it.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,021
If we were all a family who cared about one another and one of us was in the hospital, and I realize that for some of us, myself included, the first part of that's purely an imaginative scenario, I imagine that Cow would be lying there in the hospital bed with her broth, and one of us would be by her side all the time just holding her hand or stroking her hair. One would be in the corner, knitting quietly. One would be running up and down the halls looking for nurses and palliatives. One would be hovering in the doorway commenting on everyone else's behavior. One would be chatting idly to distract us all from our worries. One would be second-guessing the doctor's opinions and offering alternative remedies. Etc. Everyone has his own way of showing he cares.
The important thing is that none of us are doing anything here to harm ourselves or one another. Cow included. Cow, am I correct that you're currently not ingesting any harmful substances? Keep it that way, ok?
The rest will do you no harm.
The important thing is that none of us are doing anything here to harm ourselves or one another. Cow included. Cow, am I correct that you're currently not ingesting any harmful substances? Keep it that way, ok?
The rest will do you no harm.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by soberlicious
Actually that remains to be seen. Only a prolonged period of abstinence from substances would allow for a clear baseline on the anhedonia. Barring that, everything else is speculation.
None of this is new to Cow. From what I can gather from her threads, she has been exhaustive in seeking expert help, and here we are nonetheless.
There is more going on here than elective addiction challenges.
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