trachemys

If we're going there I'll be the end-all.

BackToSquareOne

This whole thread makes me wonder just how much we can control our thoughts and feelings. Does our collection of memories control our thoughts and do too many bad memories cause the bad thoughts or can we control that? For example I can think myself depressed without much trouble, it's a lot harder to think myself happy tho.

The whole study of neuroplasticity seems to point to the brain having a lot more ability to repair itself than was once thought. Have to wonder how how much we can really change all of those things. Strange things to think about I suppose.

trachemys

Our minds stop growing when we stop using them.

Lenina

Parlor game question? I think ****. Depending on how I feel that day. of course if I could go back in time and wreak some vengeance....

Is alcoholism a somatic illness? I think maybe it is. And maybe this is why for many becoming a better, more ethical person works well going forward with sobriety. I think I had to get real honest about why I drank. I drank because in some secret way, my brain loved it. Loved it way more than it loved Me. I couldn't drink behind my childhood, my failures, my insecurity. I had to own up that I loved it. Ecen when I didn't like it any more, I still loved the memory of the "good times" to keep on drinking as it was destroying my body. I knew I couldn't die and leave my grandma to mourn me. the shame she would have felt if I died in some alcoholic misadventure. I had to get real for that.

love from Lenina

Boleo

IMNSHO Enlightenment can build new pathways in the brain that can not only repair the brain, but take it to new levels.

That's why I am studying Zen and Taoism. Sobriety is just the tip of the iceburg when it comes to spiritual awakenings.

alphaomega

Love you Cow.

alphaomega

As we all are. We love you. Xo

Leshar

Hello Cow,

Stephen Fry's experiences with depression and loneliness resonate with me.

Only The Lonely « The New Adventures of Stephen Fry

I'm sad that you feel so awful. I most often feel the same.

Soberpotamus

Good morning, Cow. How are you today?

neferkamichael

Yea Cow, good morning and how are ya.

biminiblue

look - who's in the background?



whoo, indeed?

trachemys

Very much a somatic malady, Lenina. It's all in the physical mind.

biminiblue

We could argue this all day.

I'd say it's both, though.

There are psychological contributors to that desire to escape or numb out.

dwtbd

One day? lol
I think we could all agree though there is ultimately one thing to do about it, well two Stop and Dont

fini

oh Trach, you're too clever

thanks for the laugh.

FourSeasons

Hello Cow, I hope you are feeling better today. Please know, I do keep up with Cow and your musings. Your writings help me tremendously. I don't comment often, but I do read and take in every word. I very much relate to you.

The quoted remark above resonates with me in that my mother also suffers from a major "rage disorder".

I was always the brunt of her nasty rages. She never wanted me and she had absolutely no hesitation in conveying that to me.

I remember when Roe vs. Wade was in the news. I must have been 5-6 years old at the time. I clearly remember asking my mother what "abortion" meant. She looked at me with a sweet and warm smile and said, "it is something I should have had with you had it been legal at the time".

I remember being so happy with her response. I also remember when my father came home from work and I gleefully told him, "Mommy told me she would have had an abortion with me if it was legal at the time!" I remember my father's face and I could not understand at the time why he seemed so horrified.

I also remember that a horrible fight between my mother and father ensued. My mother naturally won, of course, because of her extreme nastiness (ps. I wrote about this before. I understand my mother is not well and suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder).

Today, my nasty mother is alive and kicking. I haven't seen her in over 4 years. And, I do not miss her at all. I do not have a single fond memory of her as being 'a Mother'. She was always 'the Mother'.

I realize I am very late to this thread, so please forgive me if I am bringing up old news.

To me there seems to be a dichotomy in your writings and how it relates to your relationship with your mother. On one hand you write how she "scared the crap" out of you and then on the other hand you write about how much "she loved you" and how you miss her. It also seems to me that she never protected you from your father. Did she know? Did she simply turn a "blind eye"?

It seems to me as if you forgave her. I would love to know how and why you did.

neferkamichael

SoberLeigh

Cow, please let us know how you are . . . . .

Soberpotamus

Calling the best Cow in SR... Oh, where are you Cow? Moo Mwah.

Cow

Hello Dollfaces, I been on “life support only” so not have had energy to communicate. I still try to read all postings. I not know about you, but sometime when I really sick or down, I just close computer and that whole world disappear. Gone. Is the sad relief of it. You not has to deal with it, if you not want to. Is kind of a detach surreal world. Fitting, I guess, for detach, surreal Cow. Not to mean, I not appreciate all of you kind support, but… I can makes you all disappear.

4S, I not have ability to go into whole momma-drama at this time. I has say it all before. No, she not protect me, not intervene. I forgive her (but still holds her accountable). She change/mellow as she get older. Was plenty of times she show genuine love to me, and I love her. We never discuss abuses of my youth though, was not possible as I still very young when she die. And I still was wild, total checked out addict at time of her death. If she still alive, I would be able to has that conversation with her now, but alas.

So, yesterday my brother come over. Was very suspicious. I think one of my friend or his girlfriend get on him. But anyway, he spend hour cleaning floor of kitchen and living room which was source of embarrassment and make me not wish to let anybody in. I ask him who call him. He will only say, “I know you would do it for me in a heartbeat.” So, I just accept it, and we have nice chat while he work. I get little bit teary and say, "this really actual mean a lot to me." And he say, “No problem.” And I say, “So is you gonna come help me again?” And he go, “Hell no!” That about best you can hopes for in my family!

Today I had lot of imagings done. Pain is still severe. Imaging Tech was one who go by book and won't say anything. Would only confirm to me was no alien growing in there.