Family Member Pushing Me Away After Years of Smothering
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Nothing "pointless" about your thread. You're probably just kind of stuck in a circle here, and can't get this one issue out of your head. I used to be worried about SOMETHING all the time - and after I got sober, I didn't have that many worries...so I started to find something to be worried about! And trust me, I found lots of little things to bother me, especially when dwelling on relationships with others.
I have no real advice. But I get it. In my case, I started just trying to enjoy the things I had in front of me. A blanket on a cold night. A cool breeze on a hot day. A bowl of popcorn. Chips & guacamole. A bike ride. Simplify life and keep your own happiness front and center. Maybe you are just restless and stuck in a bit of a rut? You probably know how to get out of those situations....I think you'll be feeling just fine again in no time, really.
I have no real advice. But I get it. In my case, I started just trying to enjoy the things I had in front of me. A blanket on a cold night. A cool breeze on a hot day. A bowl of popcorn. Chips & guacamole. A bike ride. Simplify life and keep your own happiness front and center. Maybe you are just restless and stuck in a bit of a rut? You probably know how to get out of those situations....I think you'll be feeling just fine again in no time, really.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
SJ,
you feel like quitting trying....so: why not? would you berate yourself if you stopped trying?
in my own case, i kept trying and trying, and what i realized was that in the very trying there was the unreasonable idea that after all these years of trying if i just found the RIGHT way to try, surely the result would be different! i just wasn't trying PROPERLY!
underneath that, i saw, was the idea that i could change their responses/them. and i couldn't.
so yeah, mostly i've stopped trying. trying to change the dynamics. put things on a more "shallow" level, dialed back the expectations waaaayyy down to "let's just have a nice friendly 30-minute coffee together" (didn't tell them that, though), and doing that once a week is working out well. for all of us, looks like.
used to **** me off and hurt no end that i couldn't get my (to me) normal expectations met, but i couldn't, and kept not letting go of that....hm....much like not letting go of drinking, in some ways.
you feel like quitting trying....so: why not? would you berate yourself if you stopped trying?
in my own case, i kept trying and trying, and what i realized was that in the very trying there was the unreasonable idea that after all these years of trying if i just found the RIGHT way to try, surely the result would be different! i just wasn't trying PROPERLY!
underneath that, i saw, was the idea that i could change their responses/them. and i couldn't.
so yeah, mostly i've stopped trying. trying to change the dynamics. put things on a more "shallow" level, dialed back the expectations waaaayyy down to "let's just have a nice friendly 30-minute coffee together" (didn't tell them that, though), and doing that once a week is working out well. for all of us, looks like.
used to **** me off and hurt no end that i couldn't get my (to me) normal expectations met, but i couldn't, and kept not letting go of that....hm....much like not letting go of drinking, in some ways.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
This is today's meditation from The Language of Letting Go:
Perspective
Too often, we try to gain a clear perspective before it is time.
That will make us crazy.
We do not always know why things are happening the way they are. We do not
always know how a particular relationship will work out. We do not always
understand the source of our feelings, why we've been led down a particular
path, what is being worked out in us, what we are learning, why we needed to
recycle, why we had to wait, why we needed to go through a time of discipline,
or why a door closed. How our present circumstances will work into the larger
scheme of events is not always clear to us. That is how it needs to be.
Perspective will come in retrospect.
We could strain for hours today for the meaning of something that may come in
an instant next year.
Let it go. We can let go of our need to figure things out, to feel in control.
Now is the time to be. To feel. To go through it. To allow things to happen. To
learn. To let whatever is being worked out in us take its course.
In hindsight, we will know. It will become clear. For today, being is enough.
We have been told that all things shall work out for good in our life. We can
trust that to happen, even if we cannot see the place today's events will hold
in the larger picture.
Today, I will let things happen without trying to figure everything out. If
clarity is not available to me today, I will trust it to come later, in
retrospect. I will put simple trust in the truth that all is well, events are
unfolding as they should, and all will work out for good in my life - better
than I can imagine.
Perspective
Too often, we try to gain a clear perspective before it is time.
That will make us crazy.
We do not always know why things are happening the way they are. We do not
always know how a particular relationship will work out. We do not always
understand the source of our feelings, why we've been led down a particular
path, what is being worked out in us, what we are learning, why we needed to
recycle, why we had to wait, why we needed to go through a time of discipline,
or why a door closed. How our present circumstances will work into the larger
scheme of events is not always clear to us. That is how it needs to be.
Perspective will come in retrospect.
We could strain for hours today for the meaning of something that may come in
an instant next year.
Let it go. We can let go of our need to figure things out, to feel in control.
Now is the time to be. To feel. To go through it. To allow things to happen. To
learn. To let whatever is being worked out in us take its course.
In hindsight, we will know. It will become clear. For today, being is enough.
We have been told that all things shall work out for good in our life. We can
trust that to happen, even if we cannot see the place today's events will hold
in the larger picture.
Today, I will let things happen without trying to figure everything out. If
clarity is not available to me today, I will trust it to come later, in
retrospect. I will put simple trust in the truth that all is well, events are
unfolding as they should, and all will work out for good in my life - better
than I can imagine.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Fini, yeah I'm tired of trying to do what is "right" and so I want to let all of it go. I am tired of not doing what is right and trying to figure out what is right. I am tired of judging every situation, person, response, etc.
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Jdooner, it's the September 9 reading from the book The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. I highly recommend this book, btw. It's great even if you don't ordinarily consider yourself "codependent", because I didn't. They do seem relatable to me, every single reading. It's also a bestseller.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
I just bought it thanks. I don't consider myself anything other than human. One thing recovery has taught me is I have much to learn about myself so I try to hold my reservations as I continue to learn more about myelf (bit of growth here, lol) I could see a bit of codie in me:-)
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It's such a good reading for me because I love to try to figure things out, and of course, end up frustrated when I'm at the in between stage of "not knowing" something. Lol. As if I should know everything! Where on earth did I get the idea I should know or understand everything?? Educational system maybe?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Here's the Elder's Meditation for the day (from Ann's thread.) Seems to tie in nicely:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4888299
Elder's Meditation of the Day September 9
"...[W]isdom comes only when you stop looking for it and start truly living the life the Creator intended for you."
--Lelia Fisher, HOH
There are many things that block us from wisdom such as; selfishness, secrets, hate, anger, jealousy and judgments. Another thing that can block us from wisdom is trying too hard or wishing something would happen. Wishing implies doubt and trying implies control. We need to let go of these things. We need to abandon ourselves to the Creator. As soon as we surrender everything, the wisdom starts to flow. The Elders know how to help us with this. Just ask them.
My Great Spirit, today I surrender my life and my will to Your care.
~White Bison
"...[W]isdom comes only when you stop looking for it and start truly living the life the Creator intended for you."
--Lelia Fisher, HOH
There are many things that block us from wisdom such as; selfishness, secrets, hate, anger, jealousy and judgments. Another thing that can block us from wisdom is trying too hard or wishing something would happen. Wishing implies doubt and trying implies control. We need to let go of these things. We need to abandon ourselves to the Creator. As soon as we surrender everything, the wisdom starts to flow. The Elders know how to help us with this. Just ask them.
My Great Spirit, today I surrender my life and my will to Your care.
~White Bison
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
This is today's meditation from The Language of Letting Go:
Revenge
No matter how long we've been recovering, no matter how solid our spiritual ground, we may still feel an overwhelming desire at times to punish, or get even, with another person.
We want revenge.
We want to see the other person hurt the way he or she has hurt us. We want to see life deal that person just rewards. In fact, we would like to help life out.
Those are normal feelings, but we do not have to act on them. These feelings are part of our anger but it's not our job to deal justice.
We can allow ourselves to feel the anger. It is helpful to go one step deeper and let ourselves feel the other feelings - the hurt, the pain, the anguish. But our goal is to release the feelings, and be finished with them.
We can hold the other person accountable. We can hold the other person responsible. But it is not our responsibility to be judge and jury. Actively seeking revenge will not help us. It will block us and hold us back.
Walk away. Stop playing the game. Unhook. Learn your lesson. Thank the other person for having taught you something valuable. And be finished with it. Put it behind, with the lesson intact.
Acceptance helps. So does forgiveness - not the kind that invites that person to use us again, but a forgiveness that releases the other person and sets him or her free to walk a separate path, while releasing our anger and resentments. That sets us free to walk our own path.
Today, I will be as angry as I need to be, with a goal of finishing my business with others. Once I have released my hurt and anger, I will strive for healthy forgiveness - forgiveness with boundaries. I understand that boundaries, coupled with forgiveness and compassion, will move me forward.
**I wanted to post this on my thread because it's so true for me sometimes - I want revenge. I know that's not a good response, or a good feeling to carry around inside. But it is a human response. I think it's safe to say we have all felt this way at some point.
I need to let these revenge thoughts go - first feel the pain, and let it all go. Revenge isn't for me to carry out. Not that I would do it anyway. But I carry sick feelings around with me, so it's time to start feeling them, and letting them go. It's mostly anger towards my family, from years ago. There is nothing I can do to "get them back" other than to see it for what it was. And to realize it's in the past. I removed myself from the environment. I took care of myself the best I could. I moved on. Somehow though, the drinking kept those memories and hurt feelings locked away inside me where they stayed. I'm not sure exactly how to go about letting this go, or how long it's going to take... but at least I've come to the place of realizing they're still inside me, and that it's my responsibility to deal with it adequately. Letting go of the hurt isn't the same as absolving my parents of their duties as parents. But it is acknowledging that I am an adult who no longer is subject to the whims of addicted and dysfunctional adults who may not always have my best interest in mind, and that I am able to forgive them, and carry on with my life.
Revenge
No matter how long we've been recovering, no matter how solid our spiritual ground, we may still feel an overwhelming desire at times to punish, or get even, with another person.
We want revenge.
We want to see the other person hurt the way he or she has hurt us. We want to see life deal that person just rewards. In fact, we would like to help life out.
Those are normal feelings, but we do not have to act on them. These feelings are part of our anger but it's not our job to deal justice.
We can allow ourselves to feel the anger. It is helpful to go one step deeper and let ourselves feel the other feelings - the hurt, the pain, the anguish. But our goal is to release the feelings, and be finished with them.
We can hold the other person accountable. We can hold the other person responsible. But it is not our responsibility to be judge and jury. Actively seeking revenge will not help us. It will block us and hold us back.
Walk away. Stop playing the game. Unhook. Learn your lesson. Thank the other person for having taught you something valuable. And be finished with it. Put it behind, with the lesson intact.
Acceptance helps. So does forgiveness - not the kind that invites that person to use us again, but a forgiveness that releases the other person and sets him or her free to walk a separate path, while releasing our anger and resentments. That sets us free to walk our own path.
Today, I will be as angry as I need to be, with a goal of finishing my business with others. Once I have released my hurt and anger, I will strive for healthy forgiveness - forgiveness with boundaries. I understand that boundaries, coupled with forgiveness and compassion, will move me forward.
**I wanted to post this on my thread because it's so true for me sometimes - I want revenge. I know that's not a good response, or a good feeling to carry around inside. But it is a human response. I think it's safe to say we have all felt this way at some point.
I need to let these revenge thoughts go - first feel the pain, and let it all go. Revenge isn't for me to carry out. Not that I would do it anyway. But I carry sick feelings around with me, so it's time to start feeling them, and letting them go. It's mostly anger towards my family, from years ago. There is nothing I can do to "get them back" other than to see it for what it was. And to realize it's in the past. I removed myself from the environment. I took care of myself the best I could. I moved on. Somehow though, the drinking kept those memories and hurt feelings locked away inside me where they stayed. I'm not sure exactly how to go about letting this go, or how long it's going to take... but at least I've come to the place of realizing they're still inside me, and that it's my responsibility to deal with it adequately. Letting go of the hurt isn't the same as absolving my parents of their duties as parents. But it is acknowledging that I am an adult who no longer is subject to the whims of addicted and dysfunctional adults who may not always have my best interest in mind, and that I am able to forgive them, and carry on with my life.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Wow - I wish I had read this last night with my mother and father. A lesson in revisionist history class taught by my mother ended in rage on my end. I realize the anger was a manifestation of the pain. I also need to let it go and set boundaries. I struggle with the last part. AA suggests a major resentment prayer for two weeks. How does Language of Letting it go deal with the release aspect? I bought the CD from Amazon but have not received it yet.
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Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
The book is a daily meditational, JD. So it's more of a topic per day type thing. But I'm pretty sure it's 12 Step based or influenced, so it will go along with your AA and whatever they recommend. It's Hazelden published.
Yeah, rage. I hear you. That's my default. Rage before anything. But underneath the rage is all the fear and hurt.
Yeah, rage. I hear you. That's my default. Rage before anything. But underneath the rage is all the fear and hurt.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
There was an incident this past weekend that brought some enlightenment and awareness to me. My dogs went wild on their leashes when a couple approached. This is unusual for them. It was quite a surprise for me. There were some words said, and I was left rather flabbergasted... and enraged. I lost control and saw red for a few minutes, standing in the middle of the road, getting back control of the dogs. It has brought to light my default reactions to my greatest fears - losing control, feeling incompetent, incapable... threatened.
In retrospect, I'm glad this happened. I need to experience these things sober so that I can work out what makes me tick. I know so much intellectually, and yet emotionally I react in ways that scare me. I can go into meltdown or a blind rage so quickly.
I hope that I can work through these deeply ingrained behavior patterns. I want to act rather than react.
In retrospect, I'm glad this happened. I need to experience these things sober so that I can work out what makes me tick. I know so much intellectually, and yet emotionally I react in ways that scare me. I can go into meltdown or a blind rage so quickly.
I hope that I can work through these deeply ingrained behavior patterns. I want to act rather than react.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
here's the only thing i copied from a thich nhat hanh book i read a long time ago. i liked it so much, i wanted to make sure i can access it all those times i want revenge, all those times i feel slapped:
"Understanding is very concrete; it is the opposite of ignorance. When you suffer, you get angry, and you want to punish your beloved. You believe that by punishing him you will suffer less. That is not understanding, that is ignorance."
yes; emotionally, my "thinking" is that i will suffer less if i can make the other hurt and suffer also.
the truth of the matter is that that doesn't work for me. never has, anyway, except in the shortest moment.
"Understanding is very concrete; it is the opposite of ignorance. When you suffer, you get angry, and you want to punish your beloved. You believe that by punishing him you will suffer less. That is not understanding, that is ignorance."
yes; emotionally, my "thinking" is that i will suffer less if i can make the other hurt and suffer also.
the truth of the matter is that that doesn't work for me. never has, anyway, except in the shortest moment.
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