Drama in the home....
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Boerne
Posts: 35
Drama in the home....
I came here a couple of weeks ago, armed with my resolve, my counselor, and was ready to tear into some good sobriety time.
And I did. For a week or so.
However, one thing that continues to happen is this: my wife and I experience some pretty large ups and downs in our relationship (more story than anyone cares to hear), but boy, when she gets mad, she gets MAD. As in, there's no talking to each other, she'll sleep on the couch, big blow-out fights, the works.
Yeah, we work through out issues, but it's so insanely stressful and upsetting that I'm ultimately sucked back into my way to escape.
Hear me that I'm not blaming her, because I must learn how to FEEL, but damn, it feels like clockwork that I'll quit and then we instantly have these huge flare-ups.
Any suggestions on how to weather a storm like this? Thanks in advance.
And I did. For a week or so.
However, one thing that continues to happen is this: my wife and I experience some pretty large ups and downs in our relationship (more story than anyone cares to hear), but boy, when she gets mad, she gets MAD. As in, there's no talking to each other, she'll sleep on the couch, big blow-out fights, the works.
Yeah, we work through out issues, but it's so insanely stressful and upsetting that I'm ultimately sucked back into my way to escape.
Hear me that I'm not blaming her, because I must learn how to FEEL, but damn, it feels like clockwork that I'll quit and then we instantly have these huge flare-ups.
Any suggestions on how to weather a storm like this? Thanks in advance.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1,490
Hi there and welcome 
No, unfortunately I am not very good at such advice, but I believe that spending time doing really nice things together (long walks, nice lunch, picnic, whatever) can help any couple to relax and open up enough to talk ahead of big blow up fights / arguments.
I would be interested in hearing others thoughts on this too!
No, unfortunately I am not very good at such advice, but I believe that spending time doing really nice things together (long walks, nice lunch, picnic, whatever) can help any couple to relax and open up enough to talk ahead of big blow up fights / arguments.
I would be interested in hearing others thoughts on this too!
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Is your wife in recovery or is it because you relapsed that she is mad at you ?
These situations have to be avoided in sobriety this doesn't sound good at all
You can't blame anything or anyone if you drink I'm not being mean but its the truth if you drink its because you made a conscious choice to
If you feel like that again phone a trusted friend go to a mtn come on here and post but pls don't drink it just ain't worth it
Is it ?
These situations have to be avoided in sobriety this doesn't sound good at all
You can't blame anything or anyone if you drink I'm not being mean but its the truth if you drink its because you made a conscious choice to
If you feel like that again phone a trusted friend go to a mtn come on here and post but pls don't drink it just ain't worth it
Is it ?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Originally Posted by ttugrad1793 
I came here a couple of weeks ago, armed with my resolve, my counselor, and was ready to tear into some good sobriety time.
And I did. For a week or so.
However, one thing that continues to happen is this: my wife and I experience some pretty large ups and downs in our relationship (more story than anyone cares to hear), but boy, when she gets mad, she gets MAD. As in, there's no talking to each other, she'll sleep on the couch, big blow-out fights, the works.
Yeah, we work through out issues, but it's so insanely stressful and upsetting that I'm ultimately sucked back into my way to escape.
Hear me that I'm not blaming her, because I must learn how to FEEL, but damn, it feels like clockwork that I'll quit and then we instantly have these huge flare-ups.
Any suggestions on how to weather a storm like this? Thanks in advance.
And I did. For a week or so.
However, one thing that continues to happen is this: my wife and I experience some pretty large ups and downs in our relationship (more story than anyone cares to hear), but boy, when she gets mad, she gets MAD. As in, there's no talking to each other, she'll sleep on the couch, big blow-out fights, the works.
Yeah, we work through out issues, but it's so insanely stressful and upsetting that I'm ultimately sucked back into my way to escape.
Hear me that I'm not blaming her, because I must learn how to FEEL, but damn, it feels like clockwork that I'll quit and then we instantly have these huge flare-ups.
Any suggestions on how to weather a storm like this? Thanks in advance.
Two thought! It takes two to fight, so don't fight. If you don't fight, that will nullify the excuse you're using to drink.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Here, EH!!!
Posts: 1,337
Originally Posted by ttugrad1793
I came here a couple of weeks ago, armed with my resolve, my counselor, and was ready to tear into some good sobriety time.
And I did. For a week or so.
However, one thing that continues to happen is this: my wife and I experience some pretty large ups and downs in our relationship (more story than anyone cares to hear), but boy, when she gets mad, she gets MAD. As in, there's no talking to each other, she'll sleep on the couch, big blow-out fights, the works.
Yeah, we work through out issues, but it's so insanely stressful and upsetting that I'm ultimately sucked back into my way to escape.
Hear me that I'm not blaming her, because I must learn how to FEEL, but damn, it feels like clockwork that I'll quit and then we instantly have these huge flare-ups.
Any suggestions on how to weather a storm like this? Thanks in advance.
And I did. For a week or so.
However, one thing that continues to happen is this: my wife and I experience some pretty large ups and downs in our relationship (more story than anyone cares to hear), but boy, when she gets mad, she gets MAD. As in, there's no talking to each other, she'll sleep on the couch, big blow-out fights, the works.
Yeah, we work through out issues, but it's so insanely stressful and upsetting that I'm ultimately sucked back into my way to escape.
Hear me that I'm not blaming her, because I must learn how to FEEL, but damn, it feels like clockwork that I'll quit and then we instantly have these huge flare-ups.
Any suggestions on how to weather a storm like this? Thanks in advance.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 380
My wife and I used to fight much more when I was drinking. Since I stopped not so much. She still drinks. My actions and more importantly reactions have definitely changed for the better. If I dwell on something I may tend to argue and when I don't dwell I don't have many reasons to fight. Have you thought about trying to stop for 30 days? I bet you'd find things wold mellow out for you and your wife.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
You hit the nail on the head when you said that you need to learn how to feel. My counselor and I had a very long session about what it was like to actually experience a normal level of anxiety, sadness, worry, happiness, joy, (etc) without medicating it, enhancing it, or numbing it. The ability to do that has been one of the major cornerstones of my recovery. It's hard, really hard.. but so worth it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
Is it possible that you are irritable without alcohol and getting snippy? Just guessing but if fights seem to be occuring every time you quit maybe you are exuding some nervous anger which she is picking up on.
If you determine that to be the case just explain to her how anxious you feel when you are trying to quit. Just try to give it enough time for the edge to come off and get some space when you need it before things get out of hand. I am sure if you stay sober long enough your emotions will get more in balance. All that said, we can only guess advice without seeing both sides of the arguments for ourselves.
If you determine that to be the case just explain to her how anxious you feel when you are trying to quit. Just try to give it enough time for the edge to come off and get some space when you need it before things get out of hand. I am sure if you stay sober long enough your emotions will get more in balance. All that said, we can only guess advice without seeing both sides of the arguments for ourselves.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Posts: 367
Plenty of people with f***ed up home lives stay sober so really that's no excuse. Next time, try NOT buying a bottle and NOT throwing it down your throat.
I haven't got the answer to your marital issues, but I can assure you that if you put together some continuous sober time you have a good shot at sorting it out.
I haven't got the answer to your marital issues, but I can assure you that if you put together some continuous sober time you have a good shot at sorting it out.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 3,805
Originally Posted by ttugrad1793
Yeah, we work through out issues, but it's so insanely stressful and upsetting that I'm ultimately sucked back into my way to escape.
Communication is key. I know when I drank with my wife it was easy to bicker about the silliest of things. I was so easy to offend and way too sensitive. Completely ignited and fueled by alcohol. If your wife is drinking to excess (not sure you didn't say) well then I think you get the point.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Boerne
Posts: 35
thanks to you all.
My wife does not drink.
It's not withdrawal anxiety or anything like that - I'm aware to be on the lookout for that and work diligently to ensure I'm not simply snapping and reacting to things that don't require a response.
our marriage isn't "toxic", it's struggling. We've been through a lot in the past several years, and we're both pretty worn out. Some of it ties back to drinking, and much of it does not. She's got her struggles, and I've got mine.
I was just wondering if people had any good advice on how to response and defuse explosive situations during the early days of sobriety.
My wife does not drink.
It's not withdrawal anxiety or anything like that - I'm aware to be on the lookout for that and work diligently to ensure I'm not simply snapping and reacting to things that don't require a response.
our marriage isn't "toxic", it's struggling. We've been through a lot in the past several years, and we're both pretty worn out. Some of it ties back to drinking, and much of it does not. She's got her struggles, and I've got mine.
I was just wondering if people had any good advice on how to response and defuse explosive situations during the early days of sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
It sounds very codependent to me. You might find AlAnon more helpful for work on the relationship.
One of the things that sobreity and then recovery provides is the destruction of our illusions. If this is a repeating cycle, getting sober for a short period and then sucked back in as you put it there might be somethign more going on. We often choose mates based on share interests. When one gets sober this can create a whole different level of issues in the relationship.
What you described does infact sound quite toxic - sorry.
Good luck.
One of the things that sobreity and then recovery provides is the destruction of our illusions. If this is a repeating cycle, getting sober for a short period and then sucked back in as you put it there might be somethign more going on. We often choose mates based on share interests. When one gets sober this can create a whole different level of issues in the relationship.
What you described does infact sound quite toxic - sorry.
Good luck.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
For newly sober:
1. Disengage. (one word, but HARD). Do it. Disengage. I did it for 9 months before my marriage got better. We then started couples and individual counseling and we are better than ever. I spent those months busting my *ss on sobriety.
2. Don't use this situation as an excuse to drink. (yes, I said excuse) Many of us say we can't get sober until __________________(our homelife improves, we get a job, our wife comes back, our court date is done). We get sober in spite of these reasons. No person can keep us from our sobriety.
3. Focus on YOUR recovery. (spouse needs to focus on hers). When you worry about YOUR side of the street and not her side, you can plainly see what is yours and what is not. My favorite saying out of this is, "not my circus and not my monkeys". If it isn't your baggage, don't pick it up.
Disengaging doesn't mean NOT being of service or not being a husband. It DOES mean that the problems are not going to get solved today. Time takes time. It is well worth the work, regardless of outcome.
Glad you are here. :-)
1. Disengage. (one word, but HARD). Do it. Disengage. I did it for 9 months before my marriage got better. We then started couples and individual counseling and we are better than ever. I spent those months busting my *ss on sobriety.
2. Don't use this situation as an excuse to drink. (yes, I said excuse) Many of us say we can't get sober until __________________(our homelife improves, we get a job, our wife comes back, our court date is done). We get sober in spite of these reasons. No person can keep us from our sobriety.
3. Focus on YOUR recovery. (spouse needs to focus on hers). When you worry about YOUR side of the street and not her side, you can plainly see what is yours and what is not. My favorite saying out of this is, "not my circus and not my monkeys". If it isn't your baggage, don't pick it up.
Disengaging doesn't mean NOT being of service or not being a husband. It DOES mean that the problems are not going to get solved today. Time takes time. It is well worth the work, regardless of outcome.
Glad you are here. :-)
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Boerne
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by mfanch
For newly sober:
1. Disengage. (one word, but HARD). Do it. Disengage. I did it for 9 months before my marriage got better. We then started couples and individual counseling and we are better than ever. I spent those months busting my *ss on sobriety.
2. Don't use this situation as an excuse to drink. (yes, I said excuse) Many of us say we can't get sober until __________________(our homelife improves, we get a job, our wife comes back, our court date is done). We get sober in spite of these reasons. No person can keep us from our sobriety.
3. Focus on YOUR recovery. (spouse needs to focus on hers). When you worry about YOUR side of the street and not her side, you can plainly see what is yours and what is not. My favorite saying out of this is, "not my circus and not my monkeys". If it isn't your baggage, don't pick it up.
Disengaging doesn't mean NOT being of service or not being a husband. It DOES mean that the problems are not going to get solved today. Time takes time. It is well worth the work, regardless of outcome.
Glad you are here. :-)
1. Disengage. (one word, but HARD). Do it. Disengage. I did it for 9 months before my marriage got better. We then started couples and individual counseling and we are better than ever. I spent those months busting my *ss on sobriety.
2. Don't use this situation as an excuse to drink. (yes, I said excuse) Many of us say we can't get sober until __________________(our homelife improves, we get a job, our wife comes back, our court date is done). We get sober in spite of these reasons. No person can keep us from our sobriety.
3. Focus on YOUR recovery. (spouse needs to focus on hers). When you worry about YOUR side of the street and not her side, you can plainly see what is yours and what is not. My favorite saying out of this is, "not my circus and not my monkeys". If it isn't your baggage, don't pick it up.
Disengaging doesn't mean NOT being of service or not being a husband. It DOES mean that the problems are not going to get solved today. Time takes time. It is well worth the work, regardless of outcome.
Glad you are here. :-)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Middle of Nowhere, Canada
Posts: 144
Counselling. If you two cannot communicate without you numbing your feelings with drink, and her without getting stark raging mad, counselling is what I would suggest. It's hard to unlearn toxic communication patterns, especially when you both bring your own issues to the table.
"MAD" as you describe it is not a normal or healthy reaction. Mad as you describe it is a controlling tactic. The fact that it is cyclical infers to me that your relationship is more troubled than you think.
I'd suggest employing something like IMAGO to try to communicate with each other. It takes practice and work, but it can help diffuse and eliminate some of the communication triggers that some couples face. You can find examples of IMAGO on YouTube or other sites on the web.
"MAD" as you describe it is not a normal or healthy reaction. Mad as you describe it is a controlling tactic. The fact that it is cyclical infers to me that your relationship is more troubled than you think.
I'd suggest employing something like IMAGO to try to communicate with each other. It takes practice and work, but it can help diffuse and eliminate some of the communication triggers that some couples face. You can find examples of IMAGO on YouTube or other sites on the web.
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