Serotonin

I've been on SR a lot lately, but I've failed to mention that I've had a major relapse lately. Alcohol and marijuana binge. Last night I flushed the pot down the toilet and today got rid of my pipe.

I feel like such a punk. Here I am, finally in physical therapy for my back and torn shoulder now that my son is in school I have the time I need to make progress. What do I do? I used it as an opportunity to screw up AGAIN.

This past week has been horrible. My son, his mom, and myself all came down with a nasty cold. Still I'm drinking, waking up in the middle of the night with a pounding headache and coughing up what feels like razors. We're all living together for the first time since my boy was 2 months old. My son's mom is doing well, my son is doing well in school, and I'm the lone A hole. What's the point of physical therapy if I'm going to drain my body of water and vitamins I need to recover?

I went to physical therapy today and felt pretty good physically afterwards, although while being there feeling like I didn't deserve it.

Today I had a meltdown and started balling, thinking about all this. I have a job opportunity that could really help my family come together and get us out of the rough patch we've been in for the past 2 years. Here I am sneaking around the house drinking this past week and going out to my car to smoke pot. Getting snippy with people I love because I want the space to get messed up without getting caught.

I'm consumed with guilt for all of this. I'm going to AA at 7. I don't even have money right now to give at the meeting. Not even a dollar.

Maybe I need to keep going to meetings. I can't do this anymore or I will lose everything that matters to me.

Even thought I need my alone time, I don't want to be alone forever and that is where this is taking me. I'll be alone without my son, the woman who I'm trying to keep this family together with.

Please be gentile. I'll be back on here after my meeting.

leviathan

no judgment. just well wishes. why are you doing it? boredom? stress? for fun? habit?

I know alcoholics drink, and addicts use and all that, but relapse usually has a desire to fill a void behind it. what do you feel like youre missing?

Serotonin

Great question. Something for me to think about. I think I'll try to come up with an answer after my meeting. Honestly, right now, I'm not sure. I have Some idea's why. I need some time to think about that.

Thanks.

aborkie

Your family needs you. You have responsibilities.
You'll be feeling great soon, don't worry.

Dee74

Guilt is a wasted emotion. whats done is done.
You're much better to put that energy into practical plans and strategies. To that end, I have a slightly different question Sero.

I hope you won't find it too harsh cos it's really a necessary one - what are you doing to not get drunk or high?

D

gaffo

You're just a human, like the rest of us. Life is hard. Pick yourself up and get on with it, one step at a time. Find someone to give you a hug. You deserve it. Good luck.

Anna

Serotonin, it's not easy, but finding the reason you are doing this could be very helpful. You have lots of reason to stay sober and take care of your family, so hopefully you will get beyond this and continue your recovery.

Mountainmanbob

it seems that we have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired and it sounds like you're at that point welcome back to sobriety

zjw

I like dee and mountainmanbobs responses. No sense in beating yourself up.

If you where climbing up a mountain and you fell and got scraped and dirty would you immediatly go back down to the bottom the mountain and have to start all over?

nope you'd get up dust yourself off and keep going from where you fell. You've already made good ground so far no biggie just get up and keep going.

YOu recognize a lot of things about your problem most people still dont you've made good progress so far.

you wont solve nothing sneaking around and such its not gonna do you any good. I'm sure you know that. Just bite the bullet one day at a time one min at a time. dont bite off more then you can chew etc.. you can do this.

Serotonin

I drink and smoke because it's been my security blanket from a world I have always felt awkward in. It's a familiar place that welcomes me without judgment where I can hide. In my altered state everything isn't as hard as is seems and I can always deal with it "tomorrow."

But it's a big fat lie. Just like the lies I tell others and myself to hide what I'm doing because I know it's wrong. I know that what I'm doing isn't the answer, but none of that matters when I'm intoxicated. It's like putting a band aid on a bad cut. A band aid with poisonous "medicine" on it. The band aid masks the cut but the poison just makes the cut infected and worse. I need to peel the sucker off and let the cut heal. But I am ashamed of that cut and I'm afraid.

That's why I drink. And because I know this I beat the hell out of myself. I try to convince myself that this is the only way to face life. Life, that big scary thing that I've never been comfortable with....

AA.. Well.. It was hard walking in those doors again. I went to a club I'd never been to before. I was exposed.

And then the meeting began. I knew when it was my turn to speak I was going to let loose tears. I was right. I opened up and spilled my beans, talked about my life, my family and why I keep messing up. It was a weight off! There were a lot of men around my age in this meeting. Many with long term sobriety that embraced me, encouraging me to come back tomorrow. To stay sober for myself.

The meeting was a read from Living Sober, chapter 30, Working the Steps. There was a paragraph in this read that really spoke to me. About how alcoholics are have such will power when it comes to finding a way to get drunk. To get up everyday feeling like S*** and still managing to find a way back to booze.

It got me thinking. Why am I so good and resourceful when it comes to feeding my addiction, but when it comes to living sober I'm like a lost puppy. Maybe practice? I've become such a good alcoholic because I've been practicing so long. I have trouble living sober because I hardly practice it. Sober living is unfamiliar territory.

So, I'm going back tonight. I'm thinking about working the steps this time. It scares the heck out of me, the idea of having a sponsor. But I'm going to keep going to meetings. I spoke with (who I keep referring to as my son's mother) my girlfriend about it and she is supportive about it. She is doing her part in this family now, after getting her life in order for herself. I have to get myself together for myself, and hopefully we can live as a happy family.

My meeting is at 5:30 this afternoon.

Thanks

PurpleKnight

Go at things again, the past is in the past!!

I found though that alcohol is not a sustainable way to cope or deal with life, we need to learn new ways of managing, it's gonna take time though, you can do this!!

zjw

Its funny you make this anology just he other day I thought the same. I took it a bit further however. Once you rip that bandaid off its not going to want to heal. Everytime something goes wrong its going to be like salt in the wound. every bad day every obstacle. Every good day every awkward situation its going to be like salt in that wound and your going to want to put that bandaid back on so bad. Your going to want to go and isolate in your drunken stoned stuper to escape. But you cant do that. Because even tho every little thing gets thrown at that wound once you take that bandaid off it is indeed healing all be it slowly and at times you wonder if it might be getting worse it is healing it is getting better. Eventually that wound is just sore spot that gets scraped open once in a while then just a sore spot. Soon its just a scar. I hope in my case its soon a faded scar. But it'll never go away completely it willl always be there and thats a good thing. Its nice to have the remind of how bad that particular wound was and know you dont want to reopen that one again.

I dont know I've read a lot of your posts and I think you really got a lot of this figured out. I think your doing pretty stinken good despite the bumps in the road. Your way ahead of many. Just keep working it.

jdooner

AA's 12 steps are designed to provide a psychic change and create a spiritual awakening. There will be plenty of time to figure out why you are the way you are in recovery. But as they say if the house is on fire, don't worry about the drapes matching the couch.

It sounds like you are getting sick of being sick and this is precisely the bottom many of us need to get well.

Keep posting and good on you for getting honest!