fini

great!

and you could compound it to 'euphemoolaisisize'

Lenina can show that one off in Germany and see what the Buergers will make of it.

Soberpotamus

Oh, me too Loved that show.

Cow

Okay Dollfaces, is time to get deadly serious for moment. Last night I end up drink all the wine which suppose to be for titrating down. Needless to say, today I just physical, mental, emotional pile of crap. I in damage control, self-care mode all day, already cried it out, gonna go see massage healer, then go over to friend house for evening. So my little taper down experiment end couple days early with big hard drop at the bottom. But whatever. I down. I out. I cash in my chip.

I gonna ask for you help now. Is not can be any more slip up, no more relapse, nothing. Booze or caffeine. So if I not reporting in that I sober every day, you gonna has to check my sh*t at the door, slap my face, and says something like, "Hey, Buddy Boy, before you crack wise and talk about TV shows, how 'bout let's hear what go into you mouth today, capicé?"

Also, is probable I start to go crazy with MUBIS again. Hopeful it will not be as crushing and frightening as before, but, who we kidding, this is Cow, so even if I go nuts, I just gonna has to go nuts. Just zip ties me and throw me in serial killer van. Whatever we has to do, okay?

biminiblue

Oh, brudder, here we go

Hey, it's interesting to me that you seem to have strong emotions surrounding death and violence. Have you followed any of haennie's posts here? She went down the dark road for quite some time, even into lucid dreaming. She's a neuro-something or other...at least she works in the field ( I think in research? )

Also, I saw you posting in reg-threads!! What?? Cow is helping others. This is most excellent.

Too bad about the wine. Hang the feck on, Cow.


(one of my favorite films..."Almost Famous")

Soberpotamus

Count me in, Cow. I'll come a knockin' on your door to check on you! Your virtual door, anyway

neferkamichael

Cow, just never give up and you'll quit, rootin for ya.

soberlicious

I agree. I am all for humor, dialects, and personas, but where you are right now is no joke. I would like very much to hear your real voice come through.

You may have already gone over this in other threads/posts that I haven't read. Specifically, what methods/techniques/approaches have you tried towards ending your substance addictions?

I did it like this: two separate piles to sort....my addiction to substances and my general f*ckedupness. I treated them separately, for a very specific reason which I can outline if you're interested. Anyway, I did not mingle them...ie "I must figure out why I'm crazy in order to quit drinking". Quitting substances was stand alone, separate from my mental health issues. My mental health issues were treated separately from my addiction to substances. If I don't divide and conquer they feed each other and provide each other enough sustenance to live on forever.

courage2

Hey Cow. I didn't say anything about that whole titration thing, but it wouldn't have worked for me, either. I can't do thought experiments with alcohol, much less chemistry. It's not even necessarily that I can't limit my intake, a little -- what's worse is the way my thinking gets instantly so insane.

Enough. You're not drinking today, right? Check in here every day and let's talk about using more, TV & god a little less. Spill. I'll pinch you hard if you don't.

You might also want to start on one of the daily support threads. One low-entry thread is the 24 Hour thread, http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...part-11-a.html. All you do is post once a day your place and time and commitment to stay sober for the next 24 hours. It's not magic, but it makes a nice piece of a sober habit for some people. It's the first thing I do every day.

RobbyRobot

(((Cow)))

The best help I can give you is to help you help yourself, you know? We all gotta walk our own talk is the real deal if we want better results sober than we had abusing whatever.

I can't express how comforting it is to see you now willing and appreciating help from others. It's likely to be a bumpy ride, lady. No worries though, nothing worth doing in changing out our usual drunken outcomes is ever easy. No pain no gain.

Gilmer

I echo soberlicious, although I will say that you have explained numerous times in previous threads the approaches you've tried and the therapy you've had, and the unique problems you have in your anhedonia and the bad biochemistry that causes the dance of death between alcohol and caffeine.

I think the time has come to stop the analysis and just tell yourself at each turn to cut the crap and stop it.

Do not pick up that first drink of either alcohol or caffeine. Not even for the slightest tweaking of mood or productivity. Tough it out in misery for the time being. Eventually you will get used to the clean life and adjust your output successfully; but meanwhile you've got to permit yourself to be a panic-stricken, blithering idiot for awhile.

One one hand, I don't think you are patient enough with yourself for the intensely difficult time of getting sober--on the other hand, I think you have all the patience in the world for self-analysis and reasonable explanations ad nauseum.

There comes a point at which even the most reasonable explanations are just more crap. They prevent you from gritting your teeth and stopping. Your great charm is a roadblock in this case--people love the online drunken, angst-filled you.

I think you are scared stiff and have no idea what to expect of sobriety--what little you've seen may not seem like nirvana. You do have a tougher row to hoe than most people.

But I hear you saying, "Enough is enough" now.

I will take you at your word and watch respectfully for obfuscation seeping back into your posts.

Gilmer

For a very long time, I could not have alcohol in the house. i couldn't even use it for cooking--I knew i would pour out the quarter cup into the pan and down the rest.

PurpleKnight

Welcome back Cow!!

Never give up!! You can do this!!

SoberComposer

We are here for you Cow!! I tried controlling it for apx. 10 years and it's the same exact result. The only thing is the damage in our life, liver and everything else slowly desintegrates. If you can, try not to "think" about it and just don't drink. If you slip, forgive yourself and try again. After you get 3 day, then 7 days, you may start to see it's what must be done. I started a journel too and wrote how I felt everyday. When I didn't drink I had mostly good days and after drinking it was ****. It helped put things into perspective for me. It's not that hard when you understand it is poisoning us and we can refuse to be poisoned if we are willing to sacrifice for it. Meetings are also because you can hear others struggles with this. I don't do the steps but it helps. You deserve to be free and build whatever you like on solid ground!! Much love and respect!

Soberpotamus

This.

It's gonna be tough for a while, Cow. But it needs to be done and you sound ready.

Give yourself no excuses to pick up the alcohol or caffeine.

We are all here to cheer you on.

gardendiva

I don't want to go back to being hard ass Guinea Pig but I will. Maybe dSober will step in and do some for me. Sigh.

SoberComposer

Truth is, it will take time but it will be better than ever when you are in full control of all your tools! That of which, you have a lot of

If it means anything, you are my favorite bovine! You can, and deserve, to do this. Never give up and you will get to the point of stopping. Learning to be sober took some time but all my investigations gave the same result.

trachemys

I think I invited you Cow to the weekender thread:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...g-15-17-a.html

How about our one year and under thread, too?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...part-36-a.html

There's always the 24 hour check-in thread:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...part-11-a.html

And you can always pick a month and join their daily thread.

Multiple check-ins might help.

Don't pick the eff up, cow. Hang the eff on. Nut up, go mubis, howl at the moon, we'll join you.

dsmaxis10

Don't give up cow if you really want sobriety you'll achieve it you can do it cow!!!

RobbyRobot

Since your into being helped, I thought I might mention that for my first month or so I didn't really care what others were saying to me going on and on with their advice of what worked for them so naturally it would work for me too if only I would try and try and try. Hmmm.

The thing was, back when I last quit I knew I was FUBAR. Its not that I wanted what they had so much, much more I simply wanted their willingness to stay sober. I learned how to filter out what wasn't for me, and take in what had potential. I became skilled at not pushing help away even though it simply didn't fit me. I eventually learned real help is at least a shared experience at its worst, and an awesome opportunity at its best. This philosophy took me off the street and rocketed me into a whole new deal with life day after day through good and bad my willingness just keeps me satisfied.

Don't be surprised with what doesn't work for you from what is offered. Sometimes, the help is in the offering itself and not so much the nuts-and-bolts. Gifts are not always packaged as nicely as the giver may have hoped, you know?

Cow

Jesus God, I just come back from massage therapy and find so much kind and generous troops gather around me... uh oh...

Okay, I read each and every post. And just wish to say, Soberlicious, what Gilmer say is true, I has many time discuss LONG list of medical therapies, programs, treatments, counseling, etc., that I has done, so too exhausting to list all that again. But I total agree with majority sentiment that only thing left to do, IS DO IT.

And also agree with Robot, while I always consider all advices I am given, real impact to me is you all willingness to stick by me and try to help me. Cuz I not have that in my life, ever. ...crap, hang on... ...

Massage therapist and I not talk about my drinking, but she just blurt out that my liver in really bad shape. She gonna hold it in her thoughts until she see me again. She like praying for my liver! Is so damn kind. (no worry, I not gonna cry again.) Anyway, I stop at vitamin store and get Himalayn Livercare and I gonna get some mushroom for liver. But mostly I gonna stop beating ever living crap out of it with all my abuses. We all know I not have strong will or motivation feelings. But I definitely FUBAR. Is no where to go. Is no where to hide. I surrender.