Diary of a Mad Cow, Part VI: "Raging Bull"
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 322
Glad to see you back Cow. Not so glad to hear about relapse. I am struggling with cravings and feeling overwhelmed by life. Daily walks aren't helping as much as they did in the beginning. Having more time to myself with kids back in school will be good for me but I'm not looking forward to getting up in the dark every morning.
Fall is coming and it's my favorite season by far. But also causes extreme feelings of nostalgia and with that bits of depression. I don't feel nostalgic for MY past, it's more of a general longing for a different time, place, and even life...I'm a little fearful of what this will do to my sobriety...
Sorry for babbling!
Fall is coming and it's my favorite season by far. But also causes extreme feelings of nostalgia and with that bits of depression. I don't feel nostalgic for MY past, it's more of a general longing for a different time, place, and even life...I'm a little fearful of what this will do to my sobriety...
Sorry for babbling!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 306
So glad to hear from you, Cow baby! Glad you are working productively.....good news about the script.
Bad ambivalent news about the caffeine/booze, but definitely no judgement, girlfriend!
Isn't it funny sometimes how the people we most depend on in our lives don't "show up" when it really counts! They want to, maybe, but they just don't have the stones, I guess.
Or maybe they aren't as strong as we are, you know? Speaking for myself, I know I can't count on anyone else, not really.....maybe my wonderful DH but even he has wimped out on me several times in the past (maybe out of love, but I really needed someone to be tough on me and he wasn't going to do it.) I kept drinking for several years because of this.
FWIW, there have been times when the windowless serial killer van looked like a freakin vacay and I would have taken that out any day of the week. At least you know what's going to happen, LOL!
Bad ambivalent news about the caffeine/booze, but definitely no judgement, girlfriend!
Isn't it funny sometimes how the people we most depend on in our lives don't "show up" when it really counts! They want to, maybe, but they just don't have the stones, I guess.
Or maybe they aren't as strong as we are, you know? Speaking for myself, I know I can't count on anyone else, not really.....maybe my wonderful DH but even he has wimped out on me several times in the past (maybe out of love, but I really needed someone to be tough on me and he wasn't going to do it.) I kept drinking for several years because of this.
FWIW, there have been times when the windowless serial killer van looked like a freakin vacay and I would have taken that out any day of the week. At least you know what's going to happen, LOL!
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Wow Guinea Pig, 
blather on about you self much? I just kidding, you little scamp. My goodness, why is you apologizing, please babble more. Does you guys no understand I wish to learn more about YOU. And plus also, the more you babbles, the less f*cked up I feel. 
I sorry you struggling. I total understand what you mean "nostalgia for another life." I hoping you can get plan in place to deal with upcoming seasonal danger zone. Any ideas for this?
Boudicca, alls I know is, if friend say to me, "I need you help cuz I in trouble," and then they try to back out, I total be like, "FU dude, start packing." But yet, I not can do this for myself. Ironic, or something.
blather on about you self much? I just kidding, you little scamp. My goodness, why is you apologizing, please babble more. Does you guys no understand I wish to learn more about YOU. And plus also, the more you babbles, the less f*cked up I feel. I sorry you struggling. I total understand what you mean "nostalgia for another life." I hoping you can get plan in place to deal with upcoming seasonal danger zone. Any ideas for this? Boudicca, alls I know is, if friend say to me, "I need you help cuz I in trouble," and then they try to back out, I total be like, "FU dude, start packing." But yet, I not can do this for myself. Ironic, or something.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 306
I am the same way. Don't ask me to help you because I will HELP YOU, dammit! 
It is ironic......I am a mountain-mover when it comes to those I love, but for myself...meh. It sounds as if we share this tendency. I am really trying to turn that around and be a better advocate for myself.
What occurs to me about what you've shared is the thought that, maybe, it needs to get a little worse before it gets better? Maybe your damaged brain will just need a little longer to untwist....
It is a scary thought, I know. I have powered through more than my share of psychotic episodes.... a little mania thrown in (variety is the spice of life!) soul-crushing depression.
I have found this to be the case for me. I can have several really awful days, just mind-blowing depression and manic anxiety....but try to hold on until the next calm period arrives.
I am too smart to think my depression will ever truly leave, for those of us who are truly mentally interesting it is a false hope.....it's been around as long as I can remember. My goal is to achieve co-existence; a détente, if you will.... that is the best I can hope for, I'm afraid. There will be bad periods in the future. They will come, they always do. I may even end up in the padded room again, who knows?
I think removing the alcohol/caffeine is an important step for you.....however you choose to accomplish it. Those brain cells need mucho healing and they can't do it with the interference from those substances. But you know this, C!
It is ironic......I am a mountain-mover when it comes to those I love, but for myself...meh. It sounds as if we share this tendency. I am really trying to turn that around and be a better advocate for myself.
What occurs to me about what you've shared is the thought that, maybe, it needs to get a little worse before it gets better? Maybe your damaged brain will just need a little longer to untwist....
It is a scary thought, I know. I have powered through more than my share of psychotic episodes.... a little mania thrown in (variety is the spice of life!) soul-crushing depression.
I have found this to be the case for me. I can have several really awful days, just mind-blowing depression and manic anxiety....but try to hold on until the next calm period arrives.
I am too smart to think my depression will ever truly leave, for those of us who are truly mentally interesting it is a false hope.....it's been around as long as I can remember. My goal is to achieve co-existence; a détente, if you will.... that is the best I can hope for, I'm afraid. There will be bad periods in the future. They will come, they always do. I may even end up in the padded room again, who knows?
I think removing the alcohol/caffeine is an important step for you.....however you choose to accomplish it. Those brain cells need mucho healing and they can't do it with the interference from those substances. But you know this, C!
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Originally Posted by gardendiva 
Fall is coming and it's my favorite season by far. But also causes extreme feelings of nostalgia and with that bits of depression. I don't feel nostalgic for MY past, it's more of a general longing for a different time, place, and even life...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Yay, 'nother Cow thread.
I'm with Guinea Diva - the thought of winter sends me into a small panic. I don't do well in the winter in general, I live north, lots of gray days. They've hit us this week already, and it's warm. I'm not looking forward to the short cold days. At.All.
Also with trach. Looking for work, not having a lot of luck, so I just fall back into not getting dressed and watching TV for five hours straight. That can't increase my job-finding by much.
I feel really good though. Sneaking up on six months continuous sobriety. At first I had traded alcohol for this forum and sugar. In the last three weeks I've gotten a handle on sugar again. Last three days I wasn't here. SO...progress? Not perfection.
No one gets out of childhood alive. I've written a lot of my stuff in previous posts but I think it all boils down to life sux for kids. The end.
Then we grow up with having never really healed and we add in substances to numb it all out. Then that turns on us and we are back to having to deal with the kidlet stuff like should have been done decades ago. I think I've gotten that sorted for the most part but I have to stay on top of my speedy brain that tries to force me to be miserable. I'm not letting it. Not today at least.
Cow, nice to read you.
I'm with Guinea Diva - the thought of winter sends me into a small panic. I don't do well in the winter in general, I live north, lots of gray days. They've hit us this week already, and it's warm. I'm not looking forward to the short cold days. At.All.
Also with trach. Looking for work, not having a lot of luck, so I just fall back into not getting dressed and watching TV for five hours straight. That can't increase my job-finding by much.
I feel really good though. Sneaking up on six months continuous sobriety. At first I had traded alcohol for this forum and sugar. In the last three weeks I've gotten a handle on sugar again. Last three days I wasn't here. SO...progress? Not perfection.
No one gets out of childhood alive. I've written a lot of my stuff in previous posts but I think it all boils down to life sux for kids. The end.
Then we grow up with having never really healed and we add in substances to numb it all out. Then that turns on us and we are back to having to deal with the kidlet stuff like should have been done decades ago. I think I've gotten that sorted for the most part but I have to stay on top of my speedy brain that tries to force me to be miserable. I'm not letting it. Not today at least.
Cow, nice to read you.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Wow, those Germans freaking say like it is, first "schadenfrauden," now "sehnsucht!"
Boudicci, I also not one to like false hope. (is there German word for that?!) I not like when people say, "Is gonna get so much better, Cow!" Cuz, realistic, is probable just gonna get "different," but most likely not that much better. And, as you say, is definite get worse first. I no afraid of pain. Cuz of seizure disorder, I has have 2 operations awake! Owwwch. But madness, madness is other thing altogether. Is very unsafe to me. Cuz alls I got is intellect. So when that go... I got nothing.
Now Snarkbunny will say, "Yes, that when you is bound, gag and kidnap in serial killer van on way to unknown destination --just let go!" Mmm. Mhmm. But, all security professional I ever have tell me whatever you has to do, never NEVER let them take you to second location. You almost for sure gonna die if you get in this van.
Of course, Snarkbunny talking figurative death, which probable very necessary, but lines get dangerously blur for me in that van. One thing for sure, brain deserve chance to heal and be what it will be, without being repeatedly poison. And I does truly wish to be clear. Just clear. Whatever that mean.
Bimini...moo mwah! What you watching? Recently I binge watch The Americans. Pretty good fun.
Boudicci, I also not one to like false hope. (is there German word for that?!) I not like when people say, "Is gonna get so much better, Cow!" Cuz, realistic, is probable just gonna get "different," but most likely not that much better. And, as you say, is definite get worse first. I no afraid of pain. Cuz of seizure disorder, I has have 2 operations awake! Owwwch. But madness, madness is other thing altogether. Is very unsafe to me. Cuz alls I got is intellect. So when that go... I got nothing.
Now Snarkbunny will say, "Yes, that when you is bound, gag and kidnap in serial killer van on way to unknown destination --just let go!" Mmm. Mhmm. But, all security professional I ever have tell me whatever you has to do, never NEVER let them take you to second location. You almost for sure gonna die if you get in this van.
Of course, Snarkbunny talking figurative death, which probable very necessary, but lines get dangerously blur for me in that van. One thing for sure, brain deserve chance to heal and be what it will be, without being repeatedly poison. And I does truly wish to be clear. Just clear. Whatever that mean.
Bimini...moo mwah! What you watching? Recently I binge watch The Americans. Pretty good fun.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
ugh. Netflix and the internet. Love/hate.
I've been watching "Scandal" and "Cosmos" and a bunch of documentaries - and a couple British reality shows, one is an antiques dealer, "Salvage Hunters" and one is a really successful sex toys business called, "Frisky Business" (doesn't really make that great of a reality show, but there's only six episodes) - but I also watch older shows like "House" and "Ally McBeal" and any of the 487 things in my queue - I'll watch anything with Anthony Bourdain. Eclectic mix.
Where is that blushing smiley?
I've been watching "Scandal" and "Cosmos" and a bunch of documentaries - and a couple British reality shows, one is an antiques dealer, "Salvage Hunters" and one is a really successful sex toys business called, "Frisky Business" (doesn't really make that great of a reality show, but there's only six episodes) - but I also watch older shows like "House" and "Ally McBeal" and any of the 487 things in my queue - I'll watch anything with Anthony Bourdain. Eclectic mix.
Where is that blushing smiley?
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Time of Death is excellent docu-series about life of dying people. It actual show people dying. If you can handles it. I not can handle it at all, but I watching anyway. I like British comedies "IT Crowd" and "Coupling," but both wane as series go on. Who not love House and McBeal! I like international shows too, cuz is fun to see Top Model Asia or Africa or New Zealand!
Thank you, Snarkbunny. See you in the van.
Thank you, Snarkbunny. See you in the van.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 322
"Sehnsucht is one of those German words that it is almost impossible to translate adequately" and this fills me with a bittersweet longing. 
I would love some Netflix recommendations - just finished American Horror Story and loved the kitschy soap horror. Jessica Lange is fabulous.
I just read that Starbucks is releasing the pumpkin spice latte early this year. I may make it through Autumn sober after all.
I would love some Netflix recommendations - just finished American Horror Story and loved the kitschy soap horror. Jessica Lange is fabulous.
I just read that Starbucks is releasing the pumpkin spice latte early this year. I may make it through Autumn sober after all.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 66
Cow, first time posting on your thread, but long time reader. When I read your first post ever, I thought your crazy grammar was because like me, English was not your first language.
I loved when I found out it was actually intentional! You brilliant, woman! It's like Klingon for cows.
Anyway... I loved IT Crowd, but agree it got a bit bleh at the end. My new British comedy is "Vicious". You got to watch it. I also binge on Doc Martin, re-watching all the seasons while watching the latest 6th season.
Um grande abraço, amiga! --- Go Google translate on this one.
I loved when I found out it was actually intentional! You brilliant, woman! It's like Klingon for cows.
Anyway... I loved IT Crowd, but agree it got a bit bleh at the end. My new British comedy is "Vicious". You got to watch it. I also binge on Doc Martin, re-watching all the seasons while watching the latest 6th season.
Um grande abraço, amiga! --- Go Google translate on this one.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
I not do Netflix or any services, I just kind of get stuff, so I not know what available where, but my top recommendations lately:
Time of Death - documentary series
True Detective - I think was Showtime or HBO
The Americans - ditto
Homeland - Ditto
Top Petty - 4 hour documentary, so only if you likes him. Cow LOVE him.
History of the Eagles - ditto
Last Comic Standing - current season 2014 very very good.
IT Crowd - British sitcom
The Good Wife - I know, but GREAT acting and soapy fun
Lost - Yes, for Sawyer alone
Nurse Jackie - Addict porn!
Intervention - ditto, but real. RIP!
Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares - The early seasons film in Europe is hilarious - U.S. version of show SUCK!
Star Trek: Next Generation - Best Sci Fi Ever! ...I mean, X-files awesome too, Duchovny...mmmmm....
Also GP, Trader Joe has winter time coffee, I think is call, um, winter time coffee, no, maybe winter blend or something. Is so good. OMG, I has to lie down.
You has to start these shows from season 1 of course!
Hello Butterfly, anything with Ian McKellan and I in! I love that he besties with Patrick Stewart! My first language bovine, but I speaks exceptional with the English, yes?
Time of Death - documentary series
True Detective - I think was Showtime or HBO
The Americans - ditto
Homeland - Ditto
Top Petty - 4 hour documentary, so only if you likes him. Cow LOVE him.
History of the Eagles - ditto
Last Comic Standing - current season 2014 very very good.
IT Crowd - British sitcom
The Good Wife - I know, but GREAT acting and soapy fun
Lost - Yes, for Sawyer alone
Nurse Jackie - Addict porn!
Intervention - ditto, but real. RIP!
Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares - The early seasons film in Europe is hilarious - U.S. version of show SUCK!
Star Trek: Next Generation - Best Sci Fi Ever! ...I mean, X-files awesome too, Duchovny...mmmmm....
Also GP, Trader Joe has winter time coffee, I think is call, um, winter time coffee, no, maybe winter blend or something. Is so good. OMG, I has to lie down.
You has to start these shows from season 1 of course!
Hello Butterfly, anything with Ian McKellan and I in! I love that he besties with Patrick Stewart! My first language bovine, but I speaks exceptional with the English, yes?
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Had to keep repeated such sentiments to myself today when I rounded the corner of the parent's house and found one of their large landscape trees split and partially blocking the road. REALLY wanted a drink as they are 8 hours away in Florida and I was going to have to deal with it.
Hummed a happy tune and dealt with it. It worked out.
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