I'm a POS and that's why I would rather be drunk and high. Day 2
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 54
Originally Posted by Serotonin 
I just want to be clear, although I am not religious I have no qualms about Christians or people of faith. I do however find my mothers practice of her faith a farce. Maybe I'm in no position to judge but when it comes to her it has put a huge strain on my belief in her a a truly loving mother. We are all imperfect in some way. It's hard to explain. I guess to her my issues are because of my lack in faith, as if I was a believer all would be well, as if her or any other Christians have no problems.
However.. regarding temporary emergency childcare while you are in the first months of recovery and need to go to AA and to therapy.. perhaps using your mom for short term childcare a couple of hours here and there is not so bad... because .. guess what .. your son is too young to really get in the middle of her little game or her head trip.. and you will be at least 2 years sober by the time he is old enough to get into that nonsense.. and by then you will probably have set up some pretty good options.. new friends, new life, etc.
I do not know if your ex is safe or not for your son. But you are doing well to plan to have no contact with the toxic crowd as soon as you are able.. if they are not violent they probably can't bend the head of a toddler yet... so do what you need to do to get to your meetings. When you have been sober 30-45 days the whole world will start to seem a little better for you and you may come up with other ideas for childcare, or old friends will start to come back that are good people..and safer than your toxic relatives. Something good will come along.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Originally Posted by Serotonin
I appreciate your response. Emotionally I'm a 34 year old child inside. I don't know how to change my feelings. I would like to forgive my father for beating the hell out of me all the time, but I don't know how.
Staying angry at others about past hurts, hurts you, not them. They are going around in their merry lives.
Only you have the power to change how you react to it now. You aren't that helpless child anymore, and are quite possibly perpetuating the past with your child. He didn't ask to be born, just like you didn't ask to be beaten and abused - at least give him that.
You expected a better Father? Now is your chance to show how it's done. How can you keep blaming your Father when you won't make the effort yourself?
Yes, I do know it's $hit, and not right that you were abused, but you are letting it happen to you every day by denying yourself a happy life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 54
[QUOTE=HopefulFaithful;4815635]Hey...\
However.. If your mom lives with your father and there is ANY chance your Dad would hurt a 2 year old.. then no.. I would not leave your kid with her under any circumstances. I thought maybe if your mom could go to your place and watch the kid... without your Dad it would be okay. However.. in your case.. caution is better than chance. I would consider talking to what some of us call "women's shelters" and actually call one and tell them that you need childcare during an AA meeting and your family was violent to you when you were a kid.. so you cannot leave your child with them.. do you have any ideas where I can get some free babysitting. They have a network of helpers that are pre-screened to be safe. Maybe they have an idea for you. They would understand the importance and be supportive. You are just like the kids they take care of.. only you grew up and need help now. Ask for the help. You deserve it and it is okay to ask safe people for help. If your father is currently unsafe and always with your mother.. do not use her for babysitting.
However.. If your mom lives with your father and there is ANY chance your Dad would hurt a 2 year old.. then no.. I would not leave your kid with her under any circumstances. I thought maybe if your mom could go to your place and watch the kid... without your Dad it would be okay. However.. in your case.. caution is better than chance. I would consider talking to what some of us call "women's shelters" and actually call one and tell them that you need childcare during an AA meeting and your family was violent to you when you were a kid.. so you cannot leave your child with them.. do you have any ideas where I can get some free babysitting. They have a network of helpers that are pre-screened to be safe. Maybe they have an idea for you. They would understand the importance and be supportive. You are just like the kids they take care of.. only you grew up and need help now. Ask for the help. You deserve it and it is okay to ask safe people for help. If your father is currently unsafe and always with your mother.. do not use her for babysitting.
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
"The thought of not only staying sober but facing my lifes problems is giving me mixed emotions." ... "Believing it can change is something I struggle with. Is this common with addiction?"
Oh man, totally! I can't believe I said pretty much the exact same thing when I was trying to quit a hundred times. And then I did quit and facing life's problems sober is SO MUCH EASIER for me than it ever was stoned. If I knew then what I know now, I would not have been scared one little bit (I was terrified). Them demons be tricks of the light.
Oh man, totally! I can't believe I said pretty much the exact same thing when I was trying to quit a hundred times. And then I did quit and facing life's problems sober is SO MUCH EASIER for me than it ever was stoned. If I knew then what I know now, I would not have been scared one little bit (I was terrified). Them demons be tricks of the light.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by Serotonin
Warning, graphic post. If this is too much, mods I won't be offended if it's deleted.
I'm on my second day of sobriety. Not by choice, because I don't have any weed and if I drink without weed I have anger problems, and frankly don't enjoy alcohol by itself.
I hate my life, and because of that I want to be drunk and high all the time.
I hate my family. If I were to get a call that my father was dying I would think "I wonder if I'm in his will." I hate that man for what he put me through. I don't think about it much, because at this point I don't care about him whatsoever. Screw my siblings, they just left me, the youngest to be abused by my parents and went on with their lives. I don't hate them, but their well being is of little concern to me. My mother is the most passive aggressive hypocritical Christian woman I have ever met. I'd like to beat the stupid look off her face with my bare hands. Probably why I have spent so much of my life looking at religious people like they are idiots.
I hate my child's mothers family. Their just A holes and I honestly wish them the worst right now.
My kids mom is one of the biggest pain in the asses I have ever met. Having a child with her was one of my biggest mistakes.
I love my son, but honestly I don't want him around that much. Right now I have him 4 days a week without any backup. I feel bad for him because I'm his dad and his family is his, and he has no choice. I just don't like kids in general. They're messy, loud, and plain bothersome.
I hate animals that make noise. I wish every dog within hearing distance a slow painful death. Useless animals, unless they're in my fridge or freezer.
I'm not working right now because I have chronic back pain. I was able to start physical therapy recently, which has given me a slight glimmer of hope. But, in the back of my mind I know I'm a loser and just want to hang myself and have my family find me. I'd leave them a grim note telling them how I feel about them and that I will haunt them until the day they die.
All that said, I just want to be happy. I wish I could like and love my family and myself. I just don't. I wish I could forgive them, but the left me behind and don't give a s###.
I know I'm a sick person, and I wish I wasn't. But this is who I've become and how I feel.
I'm on my second day of sobriety. Not by choice, because I don't have any weed and if I drink without weed I have anger problems, and frankly don't enjoy alcohol by itself.
I hate my life, and because of that I want to be drunk and high all the time.
I hate my family. If I were to get a call that my father was dying I would think "I wonder if I'm in his will." I hate that man for what he put me through. I don't think about it much, because at this point I don't care about him whatsoever. Screw my siblings, they just left me, the youngest to be abused by my parents and went on with their lives. I don't hate them, but their well being is of little concern to me. My mother is the most passive aggressive hypocritical Christian woman I have ever met. I'd like to beat the stupid look off her face with my bare hands. Probably why I have spent so much of my life looking at religious people like they are idiots.
I hate my child's mothers family. Their just A holes and I honestly wish them the worst right now.
My kids mom is one of the biggest pain in the asses I have ever met. Having a child with her was one of my biggest mistakes.
I love my son, but honestly I don't want him around that much. Right now I have him 4 days a week without any backup. I feel bad for him because I'm his dad and his family is his, and he has no choice. I just don't like kids in general. They're messy, loud, and plain bothersome.
I hate animals that make noise. I wish every dog within hearing distance a slow painful death. Useless animals, unless they're in my fridge or freezer.
I'm not working right now because I have chronic back pain. I was able to start physical therapy recently, which has given me a slight glimmer of hope. But, in the back of my mind I know I'm a loser and just want to hang myself and have my family find me. I'd leave them a grim note telling them how I feel about them and that I will haunt them until the day they die.
All that said, I just want to be happy. I wish I could like and love my family and myself. I just don't. I wish I could forgive them, but the left me behind and don't give a s###.
I know I'm a sick person, and I wish I wasn't. But this is who I've become and how I feel.
You may consider seeing a therapist. It sounds like you have issues which might call for a professional.
Best of luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 286
I've only seen my father about a dozen times in the past 23 years. He's no longer a part of my life. My mother I see quite a lot as I help her take care of her home. She still works full time. My son's mother works full time as well. I have my boy 4-5 days a week right now and live in a small apartment in the country and get by financially by doing instrument repair and with help from my son's mother. I know I said she is a pain in the ass. She is bipolar and has Aspersers and is now getting therapy because she gets state aid, being she gave birth to our son and has low income. Our relationship is a whole other story. Lucky my son starts school/daycare on the 11th which again is being assisted by the tax payers of Illinois. Thank you.
So, soon I do have options to have free time to make it to meetings and such. Now would be a great time to string some days sober together instead of waiting until its my sons bed time and slamming a 12 pack.
I do see options on the horizon. Three days sober today.
So, soon I do have options to have free time to make it to meetings and such. Now would be a great time to string some days sober together instead of waiting until its my sons bed time and slamming a 12 pack.
I do see options on the horizon. Three days sober today.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 322
I feel naked and exposed when I'm sober
Two-year-olds are a pain in the ass.
The good news is that it's temporary and they do become more calm and reasonable in the course of a few years.Underneath the darkness and self-loathing I see hope.
It sounds like AA might be a good thing for you right now. Don't give up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 286
Please help.
Someone please help. I go to my mother's to cut the grass today and she's crying. I ask her what's wrong. She tells me she misses Dave (she remarried when I was 13 after divorcing my father when I was 11.) She misses Dave because he was a good handy man and she's having problems with her house.
So, as usual she makes comments about how I'm inadequate in my attempts to be helpful to her. So, my emotions got the better of me and I said something along the lines of "well he might have been a good handyman but he was a bad husband and a poor father figure." She replies "it would have taken a man with a strong mind and a backbone of steel to be a father figure to you. It started when you were 2 years old." I reply "I was just a child." She replies "at some point you have to be accountable for your actions." I reply "yeah, at 2 years old."
She loves to remind me that once when I was 2 I said "I hate you" in front of her bible study group.
I know I could have handled this by keeping my mouth shut. But this is the dynamic of our relationship. She makes the attempt to belittle me every chance she gets. I get angry and around and around it goes.
I'm at a point where I just want to cut her out of my life.
I am NOT looking for sympathy. I'm an adult now, I am accountable for me. I just don't know how to handle this. My siblings have all distanced themselves from her. I'm the only one helping her with anything, yet I can't let this toxic banter continue. It hurts too much and I don't handle it well.
I did hug her, although she didn't really hug me back.
Any suggestions?
I took some time to reflect on positive things after this.
1. I'm 3 days sober
2. My son is starting school soon which will allow me free time to work on myself
3. My son's mother has gotten help and our relationship is getting better.
4. I have a beautiful intelligent boy who adores me.
5. I have a roof over my head and food to eat.
So, as usual she makes comments about how I'm inadequate in my attempts to be helpful to her. So, my emotions got the better of me and I said something along the lines of "well he might have been a good handyman but he was a bad husband and a poor father figure." She replies "it would have taken a man with a strong mind and a backbone of steel to be a father figure to you. It started when you were 2 years old." I reply "I was just a child." She replies "at some point you have to be accountable for your actions." I reply "yeah, at 2 years old."
She loves to remind me that once when I was 2 I said "I hate you" in front of her bible study group.
I know I could have handled this by keeping my mouth shut. But this is the dynamic of our relationship. She makes the attempt to belittle me every chance she gets. I get angry and around and around it goes.
I'm at a point where I just want to cut her out of my life.
I am NOT looking for sympathy. I'm an adult now, I am accountable for me. I just don't know how to handle this. My siblings have all distanced themselves from her. I'm the only one helping her with anything, yet I can't let this toxic banter continue. It hurts too much and I don't handle it well.
I did hug her, although she didn't really hug me back.
Any suggestions?
I took some time to reflect on positive things after this.
1. I'm 3 days sober
2. My son is starting school soon which will allow me free time to work on myself
3. My son's mother has gotten help and our relationship is getting better.
4. I have a beautiful intelligent boy who adores me.
5. I have a roof over my head and food to eat.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 286
Originally Posted by Dee74
I think maybe you wanted some people to get outraged by your post and beat you around a bit, Sero?
You are not your addiction, although it's clearly doing a number on what you're thinking and how you percieve the world right now.
It's trying to beat you down and get you to think you're the enemy.
You're not. Your addiction is.
There absolutely nothing wrong with you that some sobriety won't fix...all that dark, twisted, misanthropic stuff will fall away and the real you - the you I and others have seen around SR - will re-emerge.
you just need to take that leap of faith and make the changes you know you need to make.
D
You are not your addiction, although it's clearly doing a number on what you're thinking and how you percieve the world right now.
It's trying to beat you down and get you to think you're the enemy.
You're not. Your addiction is.
There absolutely nothing wrong with you that some sobriety won't fix...all that dark, twisted, misanthropic stuff will fall away and the real you - the you I and others have seen around SR - will re-emerge.
you just need to take that leap of faith and make the changes you know you need to make.
D
Recovered from Hopeless State
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey, USA
Posts: 2,156
Originally Posted by Serotonin
I don't know that I wanted someone to get outraged. I just needed to purge the twisted thoughts in my mind somewhere. It helped. Thanks everyone.
Nothing wrong with that as I see it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 652
"I'm on my second day of sobriety. Not by choice, because I don't have any weed and if I drink without weed I have anger problems, and frankly don't enjoy alcohol by itself.
I hate my life, and because of that I want to be drunk and high all the time."
To that....
I hate my life, and because of that I want to be drunk and high all the time."
To that....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 54
Originally Posted by Serotonin
Someone please help. I go to my mother's to cut the grass today and she's crying. I ask her what's wrong. She tells me she misses Dave (she remarried when I was 13 after divorcing my father when I was 11.) She misses Dave because he was a good handy man and she's having problems with her house.
So, as usual she makes comments about how I'm inadequate in my attempts to be helpful to her. So, my emotions got the better of me and I said something along the lines of "well he might have been a good handyman but he was a bad husband and a poor father figure." She replies "it would have taken a man with a strong mind and a backbone of steel to be a father figure to you. It started when you were 2 years old." I reply "I was just a child." She replies "at some point you have to be accountable for your actions." I reply "yeah, at 2 years old."
She loves to remind me that once when I was 2 I said "I hate you" in front of her bible study group.
I know I could have handled this by keeping my mouth shut. But this is the dynamic of our relationship. She makes the attempt to belittle me every chance she gets. I get angry and around and around it goes.
I'm at a point where I just want to cut her out of my life.
I am NOT looking for sympathy. I'm an adult now, I am accountable for me. I just don't know how to handle this. My siblings have all distanced themselves from her. I'm the only one helping her with anything, yet I can't let this toxic banter continue. It hurts too much and I don't handle it well.
I did hug her, although she didn't really hug me back.
Any suggestions?
I took some time to reflect on positive things after this.
1. I'm 3 days sober
2. My son is starting school soon which will allow me free time to work on myself
3. My son's mother has gotten help and our relationship is getting better.
4. I have a beautiful intelligent boy who adores me.
5. I have a roof over my head and food to eat.
So, as usual she makes comments about how I'm inadequate in my attempts to be helpful to her. So, my emotions got the better of me and I said something along the lines of "well he might have been a good handyman but he was a bad husband and a poor father figure." She replies "it would have taken a man with a strong mind and a backbone of steel to be a father figure to you. It started when you were 2 years old." I reply "I was just a child." She replies "at some point you have to be accountable for your actions." I reply "yeah, at 2 years old."
She loves to remind me that once when I was 2 I said "I hate you" in front of her bible study group.
I know I could have handled this by keeping my mouth shut. But this is the dynamic of our relationship. She makes the attempt to belittle me every chance she gets. I get angry and around and around it goes.
I'm at a point where I just want to cut her out of my life.
I am NOT looking for sympathy. I'm an adult now, I am accountable for me. I just don't know how to handle this. My siblings have all distanced themselves from her. I'm the only one helping her with anything, yet I can't let this toxic banter continue. It hurts too much and I don't handle it well.
I did hug her, although she didn't really hug me back.
Any suggestions?
I took some time to reflect on positive things after this.
1. I'm 3 days sober
2. My son is starting school soon which will allow me free time to work on myself
3. My son's mother has gotten help and our relationship is getting better.
4. I have a beautiful intelligent boy who adores me.
5. I have a roof over my head and food to eat.
CONGRATULATIONS ... on day 3 of sobriety. That is fantastic.
I told you I have a sick sense of humor.. and someday you might as well.
When you are dealing with a severe co-dependent like your mom.. someday you will be able to see how absolutely ridiculous her behavior is and it may even crack you up a bit that she has unrealistic expectations and still plays the innocent me act. However... in the meantime.... your own brain has a whole bunch of repair and rest it needs the first 30 days of sobriety. So be kind to yourself. You are doing the right thing. You are already making wise decisions such as seeing the long view. Seeing that your son will be in pre-school soon giving you more time for meetings, seeing that your ex worked on herself a bit helping both of your relationships.
So.. one thing I learned in therapy is the art of taking a deep breath or 3. When dealing with your very codependent mother then try and take a very deep breath. Just pay attention to the feeling and sound of your breath and wait. Take a few before thinking about a reply to an insult. Then step back physically and literally. Walk away even. Do not engage with the codependent mom, the insults, the silly emotional traps from toxic family members. Do not participate in blaming. Do not expect them to be working on recovery just because you are seeing issues, causality and need for healing. Just remember they have their thing and it does not have to be your thing. You are absolutely right, you are a grown up now. You are also a good Dad one day at a time and you are sober today. So.. continue that.
Get through the first 45 days of sobriety... if you have to have contact with odd jobs and handouts from twisted family to get through the first 45 days... that is not the worst thing. The entire world wont change overnight... it takes one day at a time for a reason. So.. keep going. Learn to breathe deeply... step back. Breathe deeply, do not engage with the loved ones arguments.
Breathe deeply walk away. Save your feelings that you would like to share with the emotionally sick and codependent mom and ex for your therapist and the new support groups here online and at the meetings you are going to find .. for now. Save those feelings ...write them in a journal perhaps... but dont physically or verbally engage with the toxic loved ones.. I say this only to make you aware that is the kind of stuff that you have to do to keep your sobriety which is number one goal right now. Get through the 45 days. And by all means .. if your violent Dad is gone.. who cares if your son's grandma is a bit cuckoo.. she can watch him while you go to your first meeting. Get your chip and cuddle it all day in your pocket for going to the first meeting. Weirdly, it helps. Here is a codependent bit of stupidity from my life for you.. My mom could not breastfeed me because when I was an INFANT (lol!) I was allergic to her milk. So she is mad at me about that, and blames me for it and once in awhile yells totally stupid stuff at me about how I rejected her because I was allergic to her milk and I am still rejecting her. (whoa.. cuckoo alert..right? ) So... codependency is also a cuckoo disease...that is why it is a sick family system and you can only help your part and your son's part in the sick family system. You cannot help your mom's part. She can just continue down her ridiculous (and sickly funny) path of blame of little tiny kids about stuff... and whatever other twisted thinking she has.. or one day she might see your change or get in some kind of thing with her husband and go to therapy herself, or read a book about self help or something and decide to start figuring out herself. But she will have to do it. Don't try to make her do it just because you know you have to work on yourself. Just let her be in her own stupid thinking and meanwhile take a step back and see how silly it is. And save your feelings for your journal, your meetings, your online friends and be proud of yourself for not over-reacting and going to the drink. Go for a walk with your son instead and be so proud of yourself one day at a time good Dad.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 286
Originally Posted by penny74
"I'm on my second day of sobriety. Not by choice, because I don't have any weed and if I drink without weed I have anger problems, and frankly don't enjoy alcohol by itself.
I hate my life, and because of that I want to be drunk and high all the time."
To that....
I hate my life, and because of that I want to be drunk and high all the time."
To that....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 286
Originally Posted by HopefulFaithful
-----
CONGRATULATIONS ... on day 3 of sobriety. That is fantastic.
I told you I have a sick sense of humor.. and someday you might as well.
When you are dealing with a severe co-dependent like your mom.. someday you will be able to see how absolutely ridiculous her behavior is and it may even crack you up a bit that she has unrealistic expectations and still plays the innocent me act. However... in the meantime.... your own brain has a whole bunch of repair and rest it needs the first 30 days of sobriety. So be kind to yourself. You are doing the right thing. You are already making wise decisions such as seeing the long view. Seeing that your son will be in pre-school soon giving you more time for meetings, seeing that your ex worked on herself a bit helping both of your relationships.
So.. one thing I learned in therapy is the art of taking a deep breath or 3. When dealing with your very codependent mother then try and take a very deep breath. Just pay attention to the feeling and sound of your breath and wait. Take a few before thinking about a reply to an insult. Then step back physically and literally. Walk away even. Do not engage with the codependent mom, the insults, the silly emotional traps from toxic family members. Do not participate in blaming. Do not expect them to be working on recovery just because you are seeing issues, causality and need for healing. Just remember they have their thing and it does not have to be your thing. You are absolutely right, you are a grown up now. You are also a good Dad one day at a time and you are sober today. So.. continue that.
Get through the first 45 days of sobriety... if you have to have contact with odd jobs and handouts from twisted family to get through the first 45 days... that is not the worst thing. The entire world wont change overnight... it takes one day at a time for a reason. So.. keep going. Learn to breathe deeply... step back. Breathe deeply, do not engage with the loved ones arguments.
Breathe deeply walk away. Save your feelings that you would like to share with the emotionally sick and codependent mom and ex for your therapist and the new support groups here online and at the meetings you are going to find .. for now. Save those feelings ...write them in a journal perhaps... but dont physically or verbally engage with the toxic loved ones.. I say this only to make you aware that is the kind of stuff that you have to do to keep your sobriety which is number one goal right now. Get through the 45 days. And by all means .. if your violent Dad is gone.. who cares if your son's grandma is a bit cuckoo.. she can watch him while you go to your first meeting. Get your chip and cuddle it all day in your pocket for going to the first meeting. Weirdly, it helps. Here is a codependent bit of stupidity from my life for you.. My mom could not breastfeed me because when I was an INFANT (lol!) I was allergic to her milk. So she is mad at me about that, and blames me for it and once in awhile yells totally stupid stuff at me about how I rejected her because I was allergic to her milk and I am still rejecting her. (whoa.. cuckoo alert..right? ) So... codependency is also a cuckoo disease...that is why it is a sick family system and you can only help your part and your son's part in the sick family system. You cannot help your mom's part. She can just continue down her ridiculous (and sickly funny) path of blame of little tiny kids about stuff... and whatever other twisted thinking she has.. or one day she might see your change or get in some kind of thing with her husband and go to therapy herself, or read a book about self help or something and decide to start figuring out herself. But she will have to do it. Don't try to make her do it just because you know you have to work on yourself. Just let her be in her own stupid thinking and meanwhile take a step back and see how silly it is. And save your feelings for your journal, your meetings, your online friends and be proud of yourself for not over-reacting and going to the drink. Go for a walk with your son instead and be so proud of yourself one day at a time good Dad.
CONGRATULATIONS ... on day 3 of sobriety. That is fantastic.
I told you I have a sick sense of humor.. and someday you might as well.
When you are dealing with a severe co-dependent like your mom.. someday you will be able to see how absolutely ridiculous her behavior is and it may even crack you up a bit that she has unrealistic expectations and still plays the innocent me act. However... in the meantime.... your own brain has a whole bunch of repair and rest it needs the first 30 days of sobriety. So be kind to yourself. You are doing the right thing. You are already making wise decisions such as seeing the long view. Seeing that your son will be in pre-school soon giving you more time for meetings, seeing that your ex worked on herself a bit helping both of your relationships.
So.. one thing I learned in therapy is the art of taking a deep breath or 3. When dealing with your very codependent mother then try and take a very deep breath. Just pay attention to the feeling and sound of your breath and wait. Take a few before thinking about a reply to an insult. Then step back physically and literally. Walk away even. Do not engage with the codependent mom, the insults, the silly emotional traps from toxic family members. Do not participate in blaming. Do not expect them to be working on recovery just because you are seeing issues, causality and need for healing. Just remember they have their thing and it does not have to be your thing. You are absolutely right, you are a grown up now. You are also a good Dad one day at a time and you are sober today. So.. continue that.
Get through the first 45 days of sobriety... if you have to have contact with odd jobs and handouts from twisted family to get through the first 45 days... that is not the worst thing. The entire world wont change overnight... it takes one day at a time for a reason. So.. keep going. Learn to breathe deeply... step back. Breathe deeply, do not engage with the loved ones arguments.
Breathe deeply walk away. Save your feelings that you would like to share with the emotionally sick and codependent mom and ex for your therapist and the new support groups here online and at the meetings you are going to find .. for now. Save those feelings ...write them in a journal perhaps... but dont physically or verbally engage with the toxic loved ones.. I say this only to make you aware that is the kind of stuff that you have to do to keep your sobriety which is number one goal right now. Get through the 45 days. And by all means .. if your violent Dad is gone.. who cares if your son's grandma is a bit cuckoo.. she can watch him while you go to your first meeting. Get your chip and cuddle it all day in your pocket for going to the first meeting. Weirdly, it helps. Here is a codependent bit of stupidity from my life for you.. My mom could not breastfeed me because when I was an INFANT (lol!) I was allergic to her milk. So she is mad at me about that, and blames me for it and once in awhile yells totally stupid stuff at me about how I rejected her because I was allergic to her milk and I am still rejecting her. (whoa.. cuckoo alert..right? ) So... codependency is also a cuckoo disease...that is why it is a sick family system and you can only help your part and your son's part in the sick family system. You cannot help your mom's part. She can just continue down her ridiculous (and sickly funny) path of blame of little tiny kids about stuff... and whatever other twisted thinking she has.. or one day she might see your change or get in some kind of thing with her husband and go to therapy herself, or read a book about self help or something and decide to start figuring out herself. But she will have to do it. Don't try to make her do it just because you know you have to work on yourself. Just let her be in her own stupid thinking and meanwhile take a step back and see how silly it is. And save your feelings for your journal, your meetings, your online friends and be proud of yourself for not over-reacting and going to the drink. Go for a walk with your son instead and be so proud of yourself one day at a time good Dad.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 370
It's good you're reflecting on positive things, really good. It's too easy to focus on what isn't going right and become hopeless.
It sounds like your Mom has her own hurts, hangups and regrets to deal with. Your not wrong or selfish for taking a break from that. I'm betting once you find some stability with sobriety and self you'll be in a position to re-approach that relationship with a new set of boundaries. There is a book a friend gave me that changed the way I look at relationship dynamics, "The Power Of Ted".
It sounds like your Mom has her own hurts, hangups and regrets to deal with. Your not wrong or selfish for taking a break from that. I'm betting once you find some stability with sobriety and self you'll be in a position to re-approach that relationship with a new set of boundaries. There is a book a friend gave me that changed the way I look at relationship dynamics, "The Power Of Ted".
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: in the city by the bay
Posts: 605
I heard once that in our adult world we simply recreate our childhood complete with people that remind us of people like mom and dad. I am not a psychologist! So you must take this with a grain of salt but perhaps your choices have been subconsciously driven, like the choice in your ex-wife.
Actually, what I remember now is that we recreate our childhood and then try to resolve the issues. Like you fall in love with a girl like the mom you can't stand. She has the positive qualities of your mom when you meet. Then things fall apart and you try to fix them, like you couldn't do in childhood, like you were powerless to change in childhood, until you give up in despair. Because they can't be fixed. You realize this and get frustrated and mad at yourself.
But you have a son! How wonderful. So something great came out of a failed marriage.
My ex-husband was terribly controlling, my dad is terribly controlling. You have to see the patterns. I didn't repeat it, saw it for what it was and my current husband is a polar opposite of my last.
I don't know if you saw your parents solving problems with drink or not. You may have learned this behavior. You need to un-learn it.
Actually, what I remember now is that we recreate our childhood and then try to resolve the issues. Like you fall in love with a girl like the mom you can't stand. She has the positive qualities of your mom when you meet. Then things fall apart and you try to fix them, like you couldn't do in childhood, like you were powerless to change in childhood, until you give up in despair. Because they can't be fixed. You realize this and get frustrated and mad at yourself.
But you have a son! How wonderful. So something great came out of a failed marriage.
My ex-husband was terribly controlling, my dad is terribly controlling. You have to see the patterns. I didn't repeat it, saw it for what it was and my current husband is a polar opposite of my last.
I don't know if you saw your parents solving problems with drink or not. You may have learned this behavior. You need to un-learn it.
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