TuftyPanda

Two alcoholics fall in love and get married, they start circling the drain. They're sick, hurt, tired, they frequently speak of quitting yet they never seem to stick with it. There is pancreatitis, liver failure, withdrawals that are increasingly worse including recent bouts of hallucination, seizure, night terrors, etc.....we are dying. Is there any hope for us to get through this together?

biminiblue

There is always hope.

Are you both willing to do whatever it takes to get and stay sober? Rehab, counseling, AA? Not just for a couple months, but for as long as it takes?

PurpleKnight

I wouldn't worry so much about your marriage, it's your health that should be the sole priority as alcohol can take that away long before it damages a marriage!! What good is a marriage if you're both not around to see and enjoy it?!!

But there is always hope, if you're both willing to turn things around then it can be done!!

TuftyPanda

Not really. I go to aa occasionally and we go through AVRT together and talk things through together but rehab and counselling are not an option and he was repelled by aa a long time ago. We love each other though. It seems to be worse when we're separated, what little moderation there is doesn't exist when we're not together. I'm a couple days sober today, I know a binge is coming again.

biminiblue

"I know a binge is coming again."

That is your addiction talking.

There does not need to be another binge. Is it going to be uncomfortable? Yes. Is it going to kill you to not drink? No.

It's going to kill you both if you do drink.

Come on, we've all had to be uncomfortable for a period of time to get through withdrawal and the early days. If one person can do it, you can do it.

TuftyPanda

I know all this. I don't understand our need to continue this. It was fun once upon a time to get lit but it hasnt been fun in a long time. There's nothing fun about dying slowly.

walkbeformakrun

In my case, when I got sober, my wife then was motivated to do so bc she did not want to get left behind. She felt bad still drinking when I was not. What does your partner think of you being sober?

PurpleKnight

That's what addiction does, it convinces us to continue on with the same path despite the consequences, even our health or our inevitable demise!!

You have to WANT to break the cycle to turn things around though, something inside that says no more!! I've had enough!! a spark that says, this is not going to be the inevitable ending to the story, I'm going to write my own ending to my story!!

For me alcohol lost it's fun too, sure at the start it felt great, but in time it started to control and influence every area of my life, but it didn't have to be the ending to the story!!

There is always hope, things can always be turned around!!

ScottFromWI

Are you not repelled by your drinking? Or the very real possibility of losing your marriage or life because of it?

Instead of making a list of the things you cannot or will not do, make a list of the things you CAN do.

TuftyPanda

He went sober 17 days during my 28 day stint but the he began offering and encouraging me to have a drink with him. He says we have so much fun most times I black out and turn into a royal bitch. My recent blackouts have included pulling a knife on him, spraining my foot, cutting my wrists open, and plenty of verbal abuse aimed at him. I'M OBVIOUSLY NOT A FUN DRINKING BUDDY.

Speaking to rehab and counselling not being an option, its a financial issue, nothing more.

zjw

my wife and i can be our worst enemies. over the years one or the other would want to quit smoking cigarettes or dope and the other would pull the other back down. Or we'd both quit for a common cause and like 2 little kids we'd giggle and laugh as we light up a joint after having put it down for a while or a cigarette etc... Drinking was never a problem for her only for me.

niether of us have smoked dope in years I have not drank in 3 years and we have nto smoked cigarettes in 2.5 years. In my mind its because I had to make a firm commitment myself to avoid it all. I could not give in to her temptations nor could I be the one to tempt her and egg her on. She'd just as easily light up a joint right along side me at anytime. But I realized I had to have strong resolve on my part if /I/ wanted to remain sober etc.. now its really no big deal for either of us to avoid it but one of us had to be the strong one.

She still drinks once in a while with her friends. it doesnt phase me she keeps it out of the house I tell her she doesnt have too but she does anyhow. she doesnt have a drinking problem. But yeah I guess if she drank in the house often and pushed me to have a drink i'd have a hard time saying no but that goes back to the whole one of us had to remain strong and diligent.

My wifes done well tho she could easily go go smoke cigarettes or something but she refrains for her its no fun unless she can do it all with me I guess this helps.

TuftyPanda

Zjw that gives me hope. I wish we could do this for each other someday soon

walkbeformakrun

My wife and I went through something similar. We would agree to quit and one or the other would say, lets have a drink tonight and then we would both be back to old habits pretty quick. It went on like that for some time. Each of us playing the enticer at different points. Each of us being all to willing to break with sobriety when tempted by the other.

One day I decided I was done. I started taking Antabuse to make sure I would not be easily persuaded by a spur of the moment decision. My wife knew I could not drink so she didn't even try to tempt me. I knew I could not drink and so I did not tempt her.

So you are not a fun drinking buddy. I get that. Still your H wants you to drink with him. He obviously needs that for reasons other than to have a drinking buddy. He probably needs that or he would feel bad about himself, watching you get sober while he did not. If you get strong and don't drink, he might not be able to continue drinking without you. Worth a try, eh?

Boudicca

Hi Tufty. I am sorry you are going through all this. You ask if there is any hope for the two of you to get through this together.
The answer might be complicated. Not only do you describe addiction here, but also extreme co-dependency. This co-dependency is as much a problem as your drinking......and needs just as much attention. It may be feeding your addiction.

You might need to think about concentrating on your own recovery, especially with all the serious health consequences you describe.

I don't have much in the way of concrete advice. Hopefully some other SR members who have been in the same situation will respond. I do, however, feel for you and hope you continue to post to let us know how you are doing.

zjw

yeah tufty my wife and I where like 2 little kids who just found a pack of matches and where eagerly looking for something to burn! giggling the whole way. *sigh* grown adults and we can act like such immature rottten kids.

we can bring out the best in each other but we can also bring out the worst.

Its never too late. your never too old etc...

I will say tho once you nip this in the bud and you sober up you may see your mariage in a new light I know I did the fog lifted and things are much different now.

I still very much want to be the irresponsable child and i will too but i keep it clean now.

TuftyPanda

Admittedly yes there is co dependency issues...

Hawkeye13

Hi Tufty and welcome to SR

The symptoms you outline are pretty late-stage drinking symptoms.
Are both of you at about the same place in terms of symptoms?
So far how has it affected your "regular life" in terms of jobs and money?
I drank hard and long for a number of years, but when it began creeping into my work performance and threatened my job,
I got real serious about quitting.

I know you said treatment was out because of financial reasons, but if one or both of you are having these symptoms,
your finances will be taking a hit eventually anyway since you won't be able to keep working and out of the hospital if you are in liver failure or having seizures, for instance.

Have you thought of doing a free treatment program like Salvation Army offers?
Just trying to quit on your own at home would be both difficult and dangerous.
Have you talked to a doctor or gotten any medical advice about quitting?
I realize that a treatment program would likely be out of your comfort zone--
but if what you have been doing isn't working, you may have to try some
stronger measures to get results. If your spouse doesn't want to quit
you may have to make some hard choices--I have stayed sober quite awhile though my husband
still drinks, and I won't lie, sometimes that part is really hard. But it can be done.

It isn't easy to quit, and your addict voice will tell you over and over you
don't need to, you can't, and so on. But in the end, the alcohol will destroy
just about everything if you don't stop your own fall. That's what I had to do
and even though the quitting part was hard, life after has gotten better and better.
Absolutely there is hope if you are willing to really go for it, no qualifications.

I wish both of you well and hope you keep posting and reading.

DOCBOM

There is always Hope!!!! I went through all you listed for years. I felt doomed and did not want to go on. I had a seizer and ended up in the VA hospital were two men from AA stayed with me. I did not know these Men and I thought to myself “Who does that” I was a disgusting drunk that did not care about anybody but myself. Don’t remember all they talked to me about, but there action I will never forget. That gave me just enough hope to follow some direction and ask for help.