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Several things including very codependent mom

Old 07-29-2014, 02:35 PM
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Several things including very codependent mom

So... I have been sober for so many years I no longer keep track. I am able to drink a half a beer on the 4th or on new years and not finish it. But yes I used to binge drink.

Right now I am scared because they have me on Oxy after surgery and I have had painkiller addiction problems... many years ago..after being hurt.
But the truth is I need them to get through the breakthrough pain after surgery. I just got out of the hospital...but I am having a rough time.

To add to the fear of addiction and pain... my mom... has a key to my house and came over while I was in the hospital.

I guess she wants acknowledgement.. but I specifically asked her NOT to clean my house. I specifically asked another woman to help me clean (for pay) and she did not show up. Last week I could not bend and pick up anything off the ground. But ... the problem is when someone helps me and I am not home and they are not invited.... she puts everything away somewhere that I cannot find it.

So here I am ... really upset because my coffee is missing... and on serious pain meds.. and my old mom wants acknowledgement for cleaning my house without my permission and moving everything ... and I just want to know where in the world is the coffee. I was grumpy as all get out.. and wanted to be able to stay awake long enough to read doctor directions before crashing. Truth be told they would not let me out of the hospital this early in past years but now the health insurance does not keep me that long.

So... How do I get the super co-dependent to stop fixing things, moving things and trying to get in my face to help me ... when I am so so nasty from drugs that I need and I just want to sleep off the pain a couple more days... and not have someone in my face literally.

What I want to do is yell go away at her... and then I realize of course I cant, she is my mom. BUt Go away is the exact response my alcoholic ex boyfriend just gave me when i wanted encouragement.

So... I would love to hear your stories about the same thing. I am sure you have them. Going into surgery I basically got a go away email from my alcoholic ex boyfriend. I don't think he knows I cried for 3 days after that.. (also largely because i was very low iron and on serious narcotics.) But.. he knew I was going into surgery at that moment... so a go away kind of email...

Is it just karma or are all of us alcoholics just nasty people and whenever kindness is slightly off kilter or not the way we expect it we yell go away.
:
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Old 07-29-2014, 03:10 PM
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Change the locks.
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Old 07-29-2014, 03:24 PM
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lol... yeah i hear you. I can't drive yet. I am on too many narcotics from surgery. So I rely on her for things like take me to the grocery store.

But... she over gives and over does and over intrudes... to the point of I am trying to ignore her constant yammering and I am trying to reply to an email. She complains about me "texting". Even after I told her I do not want to talk. I cannot talk right now, I am in too much pain. I just need a ride.

But it is her opportunity to overgive and interfere. It is obviously a real disease with her. She cannot hear don't do it.

And I know a hundred more like her. She has no idea why I am mad instead of grateful.

When I was 11, she bought some fabric "for my wedding gown" at a garage sale.
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Old 07-29-2014, 03:33 PM
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Unless you have another option for care during this time I don't think there's a lot you can do other than explain how you feel or just deal with it. You cannot change her.
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Old 07-29-2014, 03:46 PM
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I don't have any other options for care. And she is old and set in her ways.
She went through about a year of Alanon years ago when my Dad was drinking. It helped the nagging in context of back then but I think she forgot it by now. I have said don't do this, don't clean, don't help, I will get around to it.

She does not recognize it as abusive... doing something for someone else who is supposed to do it for themselves as part of the recovery. It is the same with alcoholism as with my physical needs. I am supposed to be allowed to hold the shopping cart for stability as we walk around the store and I am suppossed to walk to build strength after surgery. Even though I am doped up and it hurts. When the pain is intense I am supposed to sit down. We got to the top of the escalator at the store and she stole my shopping cart and when tooling off to go chew out a clerk about a scratched item. I was telling her mom, mom give me the shopping cart. Mom mom don't talk to her right now. The clerk did not know a thing and did not have to be involved.
It is very similar with alcoholism. My ex BF has to do all this himself...and he yells at anyone trying to be kind at alll (especially a woman). So this is as much about me recognizing that I wanted a simple "get well" email from my ex boyfriend when going into the hospital... and he jumps on me and says go away. So this is mostly about me seeing how I react to my mom the same way my ex boyfriend reacts to me.
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Old 07-29-2014, 08:43 PM
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I had a talk with my mom.. because I figured out this is a memory problem and I need to confront her about it now.. while she still has her faculties. So she got mad that I was not profusely thankful for her cleaning my house when I asked her 6 times not to. But..right in the middle of that conversation she asked me which house the children were going to the next day, then got off the phone. 2 minutes later she called me and asked me the same question. So I confronted her, told her i am not mad at her, but she has a memory problem and I am not the first person to notice it. I told her we have to talk about what kind of pad of paper she needs to bring with her wherever she goes and writes everything down. Somehow she got it because she realized I was right, she had just asked the same question 2 minutes before and she had forgotten that she asked it. So I guess she now knows that yes, sometimes people will have told you No a whole bunch of times and you will ignore it and forget it and they will be upset that you ignored their request and mowed over very very clear boundaries.

That is both a lifelong habit of hers and we are now adding some senior forgetfulness or possibly dementia to this. So now I need to find a group about how to deal with seniors who have dementia, forgetfulness and a co-dependent fix you agenda ... any ideas?
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Old 07-29-2014, 09:09 PM
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And get her to a dr, if she is having memory problems there is medication to slow it.
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Old 07-29-2014, 09:11 PM
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Thank you.. that is helpful to know. I did not realize that.
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