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aah help? or listen or dont..confessions confessions

Old 07-27-2014, 08:26 PM
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Exclamation aah help? or listen or dont..confessions confessions

My name is Adrianne and I have serious addiction issues. I don't even know what to write anymore, other than to offer encouragement to others. I have tried...or maybe I haven't!!!!
I have been very scared to post the absolute truth on here. I know everyone has a past, everyone has hurts. I hurt so PLEASE if you feel the need to criticize me without any positives, kindly don't bother. Im not afraid of the truth...my soul tells me every day. I do not need another callous negative piece of "advice". I do it enough to myself already.
I have so much of a history I cant even begin....or maybe I can, so many "profesionals" have told me so many different things I am so confused.
All I know is that I knew this was coming, the storm cloud is ever closer, and I still cant seem to find the answer. I am so ******** mad at myself!!! I have so much to give....so much to offer, and I waste it. My partner "opened" the door to drinking the other night (again) and here we go. I NEED to be stronger. If only I could tell my story in a heartbeat, just so someone may understand.
Since my quite date, Ive been CWE Tylenol 1s, taking benzos everyday. That is NOT sobriety. I feel like its the fine line now, I have to perform, and I feel I cant do it without (which is horse crap I know).
I will not give up!!!!!! I don't know the answer, but im open to anything. Ive looked into inpatient, and ive done it before but anything available is a ways off.
So I need to help myself NOW. Sorry SR, Ive been ashamed to tell the whole truth. Ask, and I shall answer honestly.
Nuudawn......I don't know why, I feel I connection with you. Maybe Im right messed up.

Thanks.....I have an open heart and mind.
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Old 07-27-2014, 08:37 PM
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What's most important is being true to yourself windancer. No one is keeping track of the number of times we drink, we are concerned getting back up and moving forward. You say you need to be stronger, but perhaps instead you need to surrender? Accept that you can never pick up in the first place?
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Old 07-27-2014, 08:37 PM
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Hi windancer

No judgements here, but I hope you feel better for relieving yourself of that burden

If you've been taking benzoes or tylenol for a while, do think about seeing your Dr - they can check you over and probably offer you some advice and assistance

As for your partner you need to tell him that you need to keep that drinking door shut locked and bolted, no matter what he might think is best, or what mixed signals you might have given him over time.

He may not understand why, but he needs to respect your decision.

D
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Old 07-27-2014, 08:44 PM
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I do feel better for telling the truth.
My bf thinks after a week or so its ok to bring up possibly drinking again. ****just as I post this he says, "you stayin up till the wine is gone? shut the lights out? or is the wine already gone". ******
Before that it was supposedly good...I worked all day, I didn't complain or whine.
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Old 07-27-2014, 08:46 PM
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Stupid cycle.
I get clean (ish). BF is happy with that. he likes to drink too, but doesn't think he has an issue like I do. After approx. 7-10 days, he brings up possibly drinking (well, dammit that's my AV door!!!!!). then he is pissed, and I am in the dog house. and the cycle begins
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Old 07-27-2014, 08:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Windancer View Post
Stupid cycle.
I get clean (ish). BF is happy with that. he likes to drink too, but doesn't think he has an issue like I do. After approx. 7-10 days, he brings up possibly drinking (well, dammit that's my AV door!!!!!). then he is pissed, and I am in the dog house. and the cycle begins
Sounds like you may need to start setting some concrete boundaries. It's your sobriety and entirely your right to ask him to respect it.
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Old 07-27-2014, 08:53 PM
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I have tears streaming down my face. I have no been doing CWE long...its gone for now. Two problems....my mother wants me on benzos, and freely gives them to me (since I was 11). My bf thinks drinking moderately is better. im in the middle.
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Old 07-27-2014, 08:54 PM
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Greg just came out, looked at the wine bottle and said "its a good start eh" giving me crap for the wine.
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Old 07-27-2014, 08:57 PM
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It's not your mothers call to medicate you windancer, especially now you're a grown woman.

Please do think about seeing a Dr.

D
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Old 07-27-2014, 08:59 PM
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obviously I need away from both. Or be A LOT stronger in my sobriety commitments. Im sick of having everyone I love mad at me. I feel so stuck and I hate it
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Old 07-27-2014, 09:02 PM
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I get it!

Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
It's not your mothers call to medicate you windancer, especially now you're a grown woman.

Please do think about seeing a Dr.

D
I have been to my doctor......he is on board but listens to my mother. I can make another appointment. But it will be the same old same old......even though I tell the truth,
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Old 07-27-2014, 09:04 PM
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Ok I can go again, without my mother. He is a good doctor. MD just scare me because they have done way more harm than good in the past.
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Old 07-27-2014, 09:04 PM
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Windancer, nobody here is in a position to judge others i can assure you, and nobody's capable of getting you sober either.
It sounds like your BF and mother (!) are sabotaging you, which makes it very hard unless you are absolutely determined.
Because of your complicated relationship with your M, and your history of pill taking, it might be sensible to see a doctor to source medical advice and addiction counselling. If you're ashamed of telling the truth her, you might be ashamed of going to the doctor, but don't be. They love it when patients tell them the truth, and ask for help because it cuts through the BS. If you can't get the words out, write it down and give it to your doctor.
You really want to get clean and sober and having some support and back-up might help you resist those who want to sabotage you. Plus you can tell your mother you're acting on medical advice and you won't be accepting anything not prescribed for you.
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Old 07-27-2014, 09:05 PM
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If thats the case, I think you need a new Dr, windancer.

If my Dr listened to anyone else - friends or family - but me, he'd be toast.

D
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Old 07-27-2014, 09:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Windancer View Post
Ok I can go again, without my mother. He is a good doctor. MD just scare me because they have done way more harm than good in the past.
Your MOTHER is coming in to the docs with you? That has to stop. You're an adult.
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Old 07-27-2014, 09:13 PM
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat View Post
Windancer, nobody here is in a position to judge others i can assure you, and nobody's capable of getting you sober either.
It sounds like your BF and mother (!) are sabotaging you, which makes it very hard unless you are absolutely determined.
Because of your complicated relationship with your M, and your history of pill taking, it might be sensible to see a doctor to source medical advice and addiction counselling. If you're ashamed of telling the truth her, you might be ashamed of going to the doctor, but don't be. They love it when patients tell them the truth, and ask for help because it cuts through the BS. If you can't get the words out, write it down and give it to your doctor.
You really want to get clean and sober and having some support and back-up might help you resist those who want to sabotage you. Plus you can tell your mother you're acting on medical advice and you won't be accepting anything not prescribed for you.

Thank you. I am good at writing, and I can get it out much better than way in person
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Old 07-27-2014, 09:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
If thats the case, I think you need a new Dr, windancer.

If my Dr listened to anyone else - friends or family - but me, he'd be toast.

D
I agree Dee. I am ashamed to admit my mother has wanted to come in the past, and ive let her, and ive lied to my MD because my mother doesn't want to be caught giving me benzos. I KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON....PLEASE do not criticize!!! My mother is my drug dealer. She wants to shut me up and be quiet with benzos...that is not the answer! My MD doesn't know this all...if he did, I dunno...
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Old 07-27-2014, 09:28 PM
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I'm not criticising windancer, just offering suggestions

It must be late there. go get some rest maybe?
Maybe tomorrow is a better time for conversation?

D
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Old 07-27-2014, 09:33 PM
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im crying. Im almost at 1000 posts. That makes me happy. I don't know what to say. Ill go to my MD, first off. See my psychologist ASAP. I don't have much money but il be back. Someone, please double check I see my MD. that is the hardest. should likely have a top and tail and some chamomile tea. and water
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Old 07-27-2014, 09:36 PM
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Windancer, you are stronger than you think, you got it out of your mind and you're not giving up is a good thing. I think I would find a doctor who doesn't know your mother at all, and I would make it clear to my partner don't ever flaunt drinking in my face again. sound to me ya got some control freaks trying to dominate you. Yea it's probably time to set some boundaries, we are all rootin for ya.

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