xxEllaxx00

If it weren't for the poor decisions I made 2 days ago on Friday, today would have marked 90 days clean and sober for me.

Through the last three months, I kept my feelings around sobriety in check- I didn't want to get too ahead of myself, and I realized that a mere 3 months was only a drop in the bucket.

The way I felt waking up Saturday morning shook me out of any denial I had still been grasping on to...I finally allowed myself to acknowledge that I had a problem, and really needed help. I stopped blocking out all the hard times that had come from the compulsions of addiction over the last 2 years, and the roller coaster ride it had all been.

I didn't know that that first sip would've come, but once I did, I just went for broke, and didn't look back. The next day, however, with a slightly more clear head, I just watched my reflection in the mirror and I was in such disbelief over what I had just done.

I had tried so hard to block out the family and friends that remained, who, despite knowledge of my problems, always hindered my progress, by offering me drinks, and keeping weed, coke more than relevant in my presence.

What's funny, right before Friday, on Thursday I had pledged to go to an NA meeting in my area, but, I got the time wrong, and simply said "Oh well, there'll always be a next time". Later on, when I had told my sister I would accompany her to a close friend's birthday party, I partially knew what was going to come of it...and by the time I fell asleep Thursday night, I had already made peace with what seemed like fate. I didn't have enough will power the next night, and although part of me wanted to keep on the same, good path...I just wasn't nearly committed enough...

I have no more excuses left as to why I shouldn't be seeking out help, or attending meetings. Who am I kidding, who am I fooling? The part that felt so sick about it all was that after the rude awakening of Saturday morning, after getting smashed the previous night, I just shook how ill I felt off, and walked right to the fridge in search of some vodka and sangria...Why do I continually go back to what I know is hurting me and has damaged me in so many ways? Part of me really wants to stop, more than anything...but I can't, and it just goes on forever...

I don't have the type of support system around that I've realized I'll need if I want to make it far. I don't know who to ask, or who to talk to...help?

P.S. sorry this was all so long^^

PurpleKnight

If you want it bad enough, a change to your lifestyle to Sobriety, you'll seek out the resources necessary to make it happen!!

What else during your 3 months Sober were you doing other than simply not drinking, that's only half the battle, the other half is changing your lifestyle, creating a support system, carving out a new Sober pattern of life!!

You can do this!!

Dee74

Hi Ella

I think a support network starts with you reaching out...just like you have here.
Going to a meeting could bring you some valuable real life contacts too.

We have a Class of July support thread - check it out

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-2-a-19.html

D

waynetheking

Ella try asking your higher power for help. You need to get sick and tired and mad at this disease in order to call it quits. Your addiction is relentless. Your resolve to live a clean and sober life has to be relentless as well. 90 days is a great start. And im a big advocate of one day at a time. But I believe for a lot of us it takes about 6 to 9 months to finely smooth out and develop new habits other than drinking. Please stay with us and try again. One day at a time and you'll get there. Trust me you can do this.

soberjuly

Yes, that is our problem. My husband can drink 1/2 a glass of wine and leave the rest on the counter and he's done. He'll even say things like "oh I just wanted a taste". What? A taste?

I used to get annoyed if he would say "can I try some of that?". I was like Gollum and the wine was my Ring (precious)...I was so annoyed and would actually - OMG it makes me laugh now - I would say "don't take too much!" with a worried scowl on my face. Poor guy. He works his a** off to make the money that I spent on booze and then I never wanted to share it! I felt if he drank any, it threw me off. Perfect excuse for opening up another bottle, which I usually did even though he literally would drink like 2 ounces. What a mess!

No, our off switch broke or was never there.

So you had 3 months. Now you have to start again. Happens all the time here. Better to look back and know, okay I messed up 1 time this year - than that you drank 365 days in the past year. I'm not condoning it, just saying we are human and we make mistakes. You need to forgive yourself.

There's a lot of self-hatred I read here (on SR), I feel that is a reason a lot of us drink to excess. Just push on from here.

You came here the day after right? You deserve applause for that. There are some who have posted during a drunken haze who have just vanished.

dSober

As Dee suggested, you can find out here online at SR and here in person:

Alcoholics Anonymous : Find A.A. Near You