angelwithoutgod

Well, last time I posted, I went to a party with my boyfriend and I didn't drink and I was shy and quiet the whole time. I had a bad time and didn't want to be there. Well, now my boyfriend is mad at me for being shy. He thinks I was being rude and anti-social. He's loud and outgoing and I'm the opposite. One of the reason's I drink is to come out of my shell so I can be sociable. But without that, I am just a quiet person in the corner. I just like to sit and observe and watch people. Its hard for me to keep up with a group conversation, let alone have the courage to interject.

Anyways, my boyfriend doesn't understand that this is the way I am and that I can't just snap my fingers and start being social. I don't know what to do. He can't sympathize with me at all. I feel like he's going to dump me or like he shouldn't be with me anymore. It sucks because he's younger than me and I'm 30 and I feel like my not drinking is causing a rift. He's not going to stop anytime soon and doesn't understand why I stopped drinking. I feel like maybe I should try to start drinking moderately just to be more socialable and likeable. I feel like without alcohol, everyone hates me because I'm the shy weirdo outcast. I'm just scared we are going to break up and this really sucks because he's all I have. I already pretty much lost all of my friends.

ScottFromWI

Drinking doesn't make you a different person Angel, it just makes you drunk. You already know that you can't drink moderately, and getting wasted isn't going to make you any more likeable, it's just going to make you feel even worse the day after because of your actions while you were drunk.

To be quite honest, if your boyfriend cares more about whether you drink than you as a person, you are better off without him.

Hawkeye13

dump him

If you have a problem with alcohol, and are going to drink to please him,
you are making a poor choice in my view.

Your sobriety is the most important thing here.
If he is so shallow as to "dump you" over not being "social enough" he has a much bigger problem than you.

Alcoholics, or people with serious alcohol problems, cannot moderate.
Sorry you are in a difficult choice situation, but don't give yourself permission to drink
because of his unreasonable expectations.

GracieLou

What about crawling around on the floor crying and puking, would your BF prefer for you to be that way?

Changing for someone else is not the answer. Drinking to fit in is not the answer. If you are comfortable being you then continue, if not then change, but drinking again is not going to make anything better, only worse.

My BF likes broccoli and I don't, should I eat it anyway just to please him?

No, He can eat it all he wants, I prefer not to.

malcolmsloan

I totally relate to how you feel about/react to social situations. I'm the same way. I'm a bit older than you, so I've had time to work these things out. Now, I realize that this is me, I actually enjoy observing, people watching, just being around. And it took me years to say, why is this bad? I'm fine. It's strange because once I started accepting myself, so did others. Why do I have to conform to the social norms and standards of others? I'm not saying it is easy, but learning to be comfortable in our own skin is huge, and for me it has been a big part of learning not to drink.
I say talk to the BF, this is something about you that he needs to understand.

Windancer

I think you need to care about yourself FIRST. Your bf is being pretty ignorant and insensitive if he cant see that you are going through a rough time and trying to better yourself. Drinking for the sake of him is a poor choice. You still have YOU, why not keep you safe and healthy?

ImperfectlyMe

This may be an excellent place for you to start self advocating. You can't assume he understands and is already empathetic of your situation. If you lay it out black and white for him there's little place left to argue you on. And if he does then you can count yourself lucky you weeded out someone who's likely never going to get you in other areas.

Some of the greatest people in social situations are the ones who don't speak much. But when they do people take note and listen.

You need to accept yourself and others will follow you'll never get that from drinking.

jdooner

There is only one way to find out, which is to try. MY experience is I have never seen this work but many need to go through hell themselves to get the resolve. We are not going to stop you.

Alcohol does not make you more social. It gives you false confidence. As you gain more confidence in your sobriety your social skills will improve. But if you sabotage your own efforts you will never build those social skills.

Your concern or fear over loosing your BF sounds very codependent. I can assure you a codependent relationship is not healthy. The sooner you come to terms with this the better off you might be.

Music

It takes time to find out who you really are when you're not under the influence of a drug. What's more important, your BF or your life? If he can't accept the fact that you don't want to drink, and allow you the time to recover, kick him to the curb.

DoubleFelix

You are enough - without being loud and social, without drinking, without your boyfriend, you are enough simply as you are. If others don't see and understand that it is their problem, not yours. I hope you continue to give sobriety a shot, keep us posted!

PurpleKnight

If he doesn't think you're enough without alcohol then that's his problem!! . . . YOU are making changes in your life to be a better person, if he can't see that and appreciate that, then is that someone who you want to share the future with?!!

zjw

I'd stick to your guns on the no drinking thing sorry. Dont make his problem your problem. I'm not advocating you sit there and only think about yourslef and disregard his concerns. But lets put this into perspective. Your basicly saying you need to put something thats not good for you into your body in order to be what he's looking for? It really isnt making logical sense. If you give in 10 years could go by and could be posting up here in much worse shape wanting to quit again or worse.

Your drinking problem is very much your problem dont make it his problem. IE you cant just simply snap your fingers and expect him to understand what is going on here.

I dont really know the nature of your relationship with him etc.. But I'd recomend you stick to your guns on the no drinking thing understand he may not understand and keep moving forward on remaining sober. You have to do this for you. If you cant be the best you for you how are you going to be the best you for someone else? If he wants to hang around and be supportive great. If he wants to hang around and question this and that and be a pain great. If he decides to cut and run well then thats great too. If he hangs around and is supportive thats great. If he isnt that tells you a lot and its a good test for the 2 of you. If he cuts and runs well your probably better off even tho it may not seem that way at the moment.

Che

Similar to your last thread, I think this is less about drinking and more about you needing to stick up for yourself. I know a lot of women feel like 30 is a wall after which men lose interest in you, but I think you'd be surprised how many guys don't care that much and just want to be with someone kind. Don't let "this is my last chance at love" or something stupid like that cloud your thinking. If he's bad for you he's bad for you. That's coming from someone who believes drinking in moderation is a perfectly acceptable goal. You just can't drink to solve your problems, because that's immediately on the fast track to alcohol abuse.

LBrain

maybe try to find a grownup to spend time with?

dandylion

It is possible that you have some co-dependency going here...as was mentioned by another poster. It is possible to be alcoholic and co-dependent at the same time.

Maybe, peruse around the friends and family site and see if anything resonates with you....

dandylion

Woozy

I'm just the same way. There's nothing wrong with being reserved! Iwould love to find a girl like you! Doesn't sound like this guy accepts you as you are.

EndGameNYC

I don't know when "being loud" and drinking became the same thing as being "sociable." Nor do I know when being shy became the same thing as being "rude and anti-social," invited anger from a loved one, or indicated that shyness makes one a "weirdo outcast."

But I do know that trying to drink moderately in order to be "sociable and likeable," or as a strategy for improving one's life in any way, isn't a very good idea.

You can either be who you are and attract people who will appreciate you for who you are, or you can be what your boyfriend wants you to be, and live someone else's life instead of your own, a life in which the only thing you lose is everything. Self-sacrifice is often a noble act; sacrificing ourselves for the benefit of others is a not-really-living death.

Croissant

You have yourself. Why is what he wants more important than your needs?

This is no way to live a life, and starting drinking to appease him is dangerous.

Besides that, what's he going to do when you're all saggy and old and there's nothing much you can do to change that?

It's hard to socialise without alcohol in the beginning, you aren't weird for that. Were you quiet and pissed off you couldn't drink? People pick up on a bad attitude...if you feel uncomfortable, don't go. And if your boyfriend doesn't like it, well...if he's all you have, you have two choices, I guess.

Low

You mentioned you have lost all of your friends....if you stay sober you will have the chance to meet new ones, real ones. I'm assuming you lost friends because of your drinking? Going back to drinking will just prolong the problems with this guy, not to even mention what it will do to your life (just one bummer after another....short term gratification with horrible long term consequences...) DUMP your "man".....really. Life is too short, give yourself your chance. I am sure you deserve it.

Weaver

It literally saddens me that there are people like your BF who actually think/do things like this.

You need to concentrate and look out for YOU. Stick around here, someone is always here to offer some advice.

This relationship sounds incredibly toxic.