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New here and could use some advice

Old 07-24-2014, 04:31 AM
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New here and could use some advice

Hi everyone, I could really use some advice on some helpful ways to handle stress without turning to white wine. I have a very dysfunctional relationship with my mother, its quite toxic. I actually moved to be further away from her in hopes it will help but she still manages to cause me pain over the phone.

I started having a bad relationship with wine when I left my husband and filed for divorce, I didn't have any family support and it was rough for myself and I had my daughter to care for. That's been 6 years now, and since then Ive met someone wonderful who I love with all my heart, really great guy and weve had 2 more babies, so we have three altogether now. But since the first marriage, Its been a slippery slope from there with alcohol. I just managed to go 13 days without any, then after a bad phone call from her yesterday and some tears I went out and bought wine.

I know I need to find healthier ways to deal with this, is there any advice out there. I want to quit drinking altogether, I know I cant moderate. That ship has sailed for me years ago. I cant just have 1 drink anymore. I don't want to drink at all anymore and Im trying to not to turn to AL at all anymore. I need help and support.
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Old 07-24-2014, 04:44 AM
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Welcome to the Forum Audrey!!

For me I have tried to manage stress in 2 ways, I started to realise that I'll always need the quick fix solution that alcohol always provided, but also I could change my lifestyle to one that was more healthier, which would reduce the overall strain my body was being put under each day.

I started to get more sleep, reduce my caffeine intake, get more exercise, eat healthier, increase my water intake, have more herbal teas, try to get some me time throughout the week, all of these things on average reduced my overall stress levels through a healthier lifestyle.

For the quick fix, when I've had an exceptionably bad day, I go for long walks in the fresh air, ipod in with some tunes and I walk it all out.

Alcohol was such a quick fix to life's problems, the escape brought instant relief, but for me looking at the overall picture of stress in my life and reducing the strain on my body in other areas has helped a lot!!
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Old 07-24-2014, 04:47 AM
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I suggest you consider going No Contact with your mother, at least for awhile.
And get some therapy to help process / "desensitize" your triggers with her.

If it's hurting your sobriety, be fearless and cut it out of your life.
I kept my mother in my life until she died when I was mid-forties.
My alcoholism kept escalating in part due to the stress of dealing with her
and her alcoholism and care needs.

In hindsight, I wish I had stepped away years before I did as I nearly destroyed
myself and my marriage.

Just because she's your mother doesn't mean you must keep in a toxic relationship.
Really.
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Old 07-24-2014, 04:50 AM
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Welcome Audrey. You perhaps are blessed with being able to arrest your drinking before too many disasters occur.
For me and millions of others AA is a huge help along with reading posts on this site. There are other programs that work also however whatever we choose we need to WORK them on a continues basis as people have an easy way forgetting the pains that got us wanting sobriety. Much of the work is recognizing and working on the reasons we drank. Included would be fear, feelings, escape, loneliness, and on and on.

BE WELL
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Old 07-24-2014, 04:55 AM
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Quitting alcohol made my stresses much harder to handle. It turned out I had been fooled for years into thinking that alcohol helped in any way, immediate or long term. It made everything harder, and I learned that my stress was largely a result of drinking. Drinking actually caused my anxiety and stress and depression.

I decided one day that I was going to face my *stuff* sober, and at that moment, I felt a huge weight lifted from me. I knew I was strong, and smart, and resilient, and that I could do this. I could figure out a way. It was the right decision, and I have never looked back. My 'work' to stay sober has been nothing more than understanding that I have succeeded in changing almost every aspect of my life for the better by simply quitting alcohol.

You, MizH, can do this too. Make that decision for yourself, and you will see your own way forward. Best to you.
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Old 07-24-2014, 05:15 AM
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Originally Posted by AudreyH View Post
Hi everyone, I could really use some advice on some helpful ways to handle stress without turning to white wine. I have a very dysfunctional relationship with my mother, its quite toxic. I actually moved to be further away from her in hopes it will help but she still manages to cause me pain over the phone.

I started having a bad relationship with wine when I left my husband and filed for divorce, I didn't have any family support and it was rough for myself and I had my daughter to care for. That's been 6 years now, and since then Ive met someone wonderful who I love with all my heart, really great guy and weve had 2 more babies, so we have three altogether now. But since the first marriage, Its been a slippery slope from there with alcohol. I just managed to go 13 days without any, then after a bad phone call from her yesterday and some tears I went out and bought wine.

I know I need to find healthier ways to deal with this, is there any advice out there. I want to quit drinking altogether, I know I cant moderate. That ship has sailed for me years ago. I cant just have 1 drink anymore. I don't want to drink at all anymore and Im trying to not to turn to AL at all anymore. I need help and support.
Welcome to SR. There is a lot of support and information. I am glad you are here.

My advice is to get into some type of recovery program.

If not AA then something. Take your energy and work on your recovery and you. Clear the resentments and the anger and then re-visit the issues with others, your mother included. Get yourself right before you start looking around at others.

I know what it is like to feel pain through the phone lines. I held that anger and resentment for many years in relation to my mother. I get it sista!

I go to AA and in working the steps was able to clear those past resentments.

Unfortunately things with my mother did not improve. Once I was clear in my mind and in my heart I started to see her for what she really is and I believe that is a narcissist. I don't "know" for sure and I assume it is much like being an alcoholic. She would have to come to that understanding on her own or get a clinical diagnosis but I could not wait for that and remain sane with my serenity intact.

She lived with me and I had to ask her to leave. Things got pretty ugly but the one thing she has always done to punish me was the silent treatment and in this case it worked to my advantage. I was able to go almost three months without having contact with her verbally or physically until she was out of my home. All communication was emailed and the only topic was her moving out.

It was not an easy decision but it was one I had to make. I have no contact with her now and I expect it to remain that way. If she is a narcissist then she is not capable of seeing herself in any other way other than she is right and I am wrong.

I am okay with that today but it was not always that way. The guilt trips, the silent treatments, the deniability of ever doing anything wrong, the lies and the gas lighting had me torn up inside for most of my life. That had to end. Mother or no mother. I had to remove her from my life.

I am not saying you need to go that far but at some point a line may need to be drawn and stick to your boundaries. My mother was famous for not only ignoring boundaries but acting as if I had no right to have any.

I have them now and she does not have the power to try and take them away anymore. In reality she never did after I moved out years ago. I allowed them to be broken in half over and over again because it was my mother. I thought mother/daughter relationships were supposed to be difficult at times and maybe that is true but the relationship we had was not normal, it never was. It was a lie and that had to stop.

I was surprised when I took this step and many people not only understood but supported me. I thought I would be looked at as an evil child who was being mean to her mommy. I thought that because that is what I was trained to think all my life. That is not the case. I am a strong, sober, independent woman who was not going to allow someone to continue to verbally, mentally and emotionally abuse me anymore.

It is a perfect example of what support and sobriety can do for someone! Lift them up and give them the power and the help to move on.

Stick around! get some support and don't drink. Take it one day at a time. The rewards are there.
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Old 07-24-2014, 05:18 AM
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I have been limiting contact with her, today if she calls I am just not going to pick up the phone. Im going to try to limit as much time as I can with her and keep her at a distance because really she is no good for me. She makes me feel horrible about myself, and Im not really a bad person. Im trying to do the best I can for my family, my kids and my husband. Were just trying to make a better life for each other and all I get is heartache from her.
Ive emptied what little alcohol I had left down the sink and recycled the bottles. Im just disguisted with myself this morning over it, over how I let her have this much control over my feeling and my self worth.
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Old 07-24-2014, 05:19 AM
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You are a grown woman, not a 12-year-old girl. You don't have to listen to your mom anymore. You have a right to tell her that you won't be talked to a certain way, or have certain subjects brought up. You are allowed to end a call if it bothers you.

That said, once I quit I realized that I tended to exaggerate the stress of certain situations as to give me a justified excuse for drinking. It was worse whenever I tried quitting, as my addiction knew my triggers.

So I ask you, who's triggering your drinking? Your mom? Or your addiction?
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Old 07-24-2014, 05:19 AM
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Thank you everyone for your replies and your advice. Right now I don't want to drink, I don't get the urge again till about Day 3 or Day 4 then it will enter into my mind. Cutting off some contact with her will hopefully help. Ive used wine for so long to self medicate that its become a bad habit, I need to try to change that and its become very difficult.
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Old 07-24-2014, 05:31 AM
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Audrey, like Freshstart I had a moment of clarity and made a decision that I had had enough and knew the drink I just ordered would be the last one I would drink (8/26/13 so my sobriety date is 8/27/13). The execution of this plan has been difficult and tested my resolve. My path is not the same as some others, I found my solution in AA's 12 steps but I also use some of the AVRT techniques and weekly psychoanalysis in treatment combined with daily posts here on SR, which is a melting pot of methods almost all of which I can gain some knowledge and move forward.

I thought this quote is appropriate:

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!
Audrey Hepburn
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Old 07-24-2014, 05:31 AM
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You don't have to ever drink again. If you aren't physically dependent, it is probably best to just stop. That seems to be what you are doing. I meditate to mitigate stress. I try to stay in the present moment. I made a firm commitment never to drink right now, in this moment.

If you want to try a more structured way, I recommend Rational Recovery and SMART recovery. There really are many options to help you on your sober journey.
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Old 07-24-2014, 05:55 AM
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I know I definitely need help, maybe coming to a forum because Ive tried to quit on my own so many times and just kept going back and truthfully I am just done with it all.
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Old 07-24-2014, 05:56 AM
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I never thought of myself as an Alcoholic, but maybe I am... can you have a drinking problem without being an Alcoholic. Is there a difference.
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Old 07-24-2014, 06:14 AM
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It doesn't matter what you call yourself. If alcohol is keeping you from reaching your full potential then it is a problem. Please don't get stuck on labels.
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Old 07-24-2014, 06:29 AM
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Its not that Im stuck on labels..
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Old 07-24-2014, 06:56 AM
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Originally Posted by AudreyH View Post
can you have a drinking problem without being an Alcoholic. Is there a difference.
Certainly. The difference may be in the degree of difficulty you have in quitting and staying quit.

Oddly enough, it was harder for me to quit thinking I only had a drinking problem. Thinking I could quit "any time," since I only had a problem, kept me drinking for 35 years. Once I realized I was an alcoholic, the decision to quit was easier. The quitting was hard, but the decision to stay sober has been easy.
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Old 07-24-2014, 07:06 AM
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl View Post
Certainly. The difference may be in the degree of difficulty you have in quitting and staying quit.

Oddly enough, it was harder for me to quit thinking I only had a drinking problem. Thinking I could quit "any time," since I only had a problem, kept me drinking for 35 years. Once I realized I was an alcoholic, the decision to quit was easier. The quitting was hard, but the decision to stay sober has been easy.
That is a big problem for me as well, thinking I can quit at anytime when I know I cant. Ive tried and that hasn't worked out to well for me. Im thankful my spouse doesn't drink, he never does anymore and hasn't for years. One good thing is he wont be bringing any alcohol home with him. I told him Im finding it difficult to quit and hes being very supportive.
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Old 07-24-2014, 07:09 AM
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Audrey I self identify as an addict more so than an alcoholic. I was addicted to alcohol but through therapy and AA's 12 steps I am able to see my issues became much worse when I removed the drink and drugs. My addictions trace back to my early childhood years and even back then I developed unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with life. By the time I took my first drink it was like a warm blanket covering me or a big hug. I found my calling - escaping through substances, not just behaviors, which I had done up till then.

When I hear a song that I like I will listen to it over and over and over again. I went skydiving to try it once, I went back up over and over again until I had no money. When I went to Las Vegas I would be up thousands at a table but could not pull myself away. In every aspect of my life when something feels good, I will hit the button over and over again - I am an addict. I am not going to change who I am at 40yrs old. I developed this way due to genetics and environmental impact. But by becoming more aware and by my living a program of simple steps I can recover from this hopeless state of mind and body.

I find it important to point out that I do not believe we go through this to live in a constant state of recovery. That is not a life I want for me. I can recover from this state if I maintain a lifestyle program that I adhere to, which includes daily journaling, prayer and meditation and working with others.
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Old 07-24-2014, 07:26 AM
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I know I need to find healthier ways to deal with this
Is drinking helping you deal with it? It doesnt do anything to remove or solve the problem all it does is numb your for a time and then you sober up and the problems are all still there. The drinking really didnt accomplish anything for you.

That being said going for a walk reading a book getting distracted by a tv show etc.. are all other ways to take your mind off the problem without having to worry about the bad effects drinking has. But none of these will remove the problem either.

Some problems you can fix others you just have to accept them. And in either case you have to learn how to roll with the punches. I hit a point where I new i was screwed if i drank i was screwed if i didnt drink. It was pointless to drink it wasnt accomplishing anything other then making my life considerably worse. Once i quit I had a big chunk of my probelms removed I learned I could handle the rest without the booze. Its not always easy but it can be done.
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Old 07-24-2014, 07:29 AM
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I told him Im finding it difficult to quit and hes being very supportive.
your lucky he sounds like a keeper!

one day at a time on min at a time. If you can remove yourself from situations that cause you to drink even better. if not you will have to grin and bear them till it eases up and gets easier and it will.
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