cherra

We never had alcohol in our house for 25 of our 37 year marriage. He and I both have a family history of alcoholism and I opposed it due to spiritual conviction. Then he had a mini stroke. His neurologist recommended lifestyle changes, meds, and a glass of wine each night. At first I was very opposed to this but then I did the research and indeed there was documented evidence of the benefit. Three years ago when his neck pain worsened, he started drinking more wine to help with the neck pain and it progressed to vodka. Yes he knew the dangers but was willing to take a chance. Many times I've checked his breathing to see if he was alive! Week days he comes home from work, drinks and goes to bed. But on weekends he drinks constantly until he's drunk. He told me yesterday that he only had his one glass of wine. I don't know how to feel about this. It is an improvement but it's not quitting either. Thoughts?

aborkie

I quit on my own. I finally wanted to quit more than I wanted to drink.

SnoozyQ

Don't believe the one glass of wine BS. If i had a dollar for every time i told my husband I'm only having 1 glass I'd be a millionaire . Drinkers are very cunning and have many stashes .

I even found an empty bottle in my saucepan cupboard when i was cleaning out a few weeks ago ...sigh :/

freshstart57

There is more information available for people who mistakenly believe as you do, telwood.Source

Taking5

There are definitely people who have done this alone.

I would point out to your husband that he doesn't get any bonus points for doing this solo, and he is at more risk getting sober by himself than he is with support.

aborkie

A good book to read is Sober For Good by Anne Fletcher. It helped me a lot.

IOAA2

Hi.
Sober for many is defined alcohol free. I did that too many times for a day or two each. I didn’t get better until I got to where recovery was included in the big picture and without playing BS alcoholic games and that come from within. It’s “YA GUTTA WANNA,”

BE WELL

zjw

i did the first year alone then hit AA a year in and thought I should have gotten some support from the get go. I'm not 100% sure AA would have been a good solution for me as I dont regularly go as it is. But I think even going sometimes would have helped me in those early days or even a site like this would have helped. regardless i did the first year alone somehow.

gardendiva

This, 1000 times this.

Bamboozle

cherra, I read the other thread. Not much else I can add to what everyone else said about making safety the priority for you and your children, but I can tell you that quitting drinking won't fix him. It's not enough. I don't have experience with abuse--my major problem was depression. I've been sober 5 years and a few months, but it's only been within the last year that I'm getting stable. Four years of therapy and meds and fighting through the abyss. It was hard work. Shoot, it's still work! He's gonna have to want to quit drinking AND work through his issues AND stop blaming others for his very own behavior. It will not happen in a year. It may never happen. I don't say this to be harsh, but it's incredibly hard to get and stay sober. It's even harder to do that PLUS deal with mental issues/illness/behavior problems/etc. And if he doesn't want to change, he won't. His abuse was a problem before the drinking. Getting sober won't fix his abusive behavior. He does need professional help. And you deserve safety. You deserve life without abuse. Take care.

fini

of course people can get sober and stay that way without support groups.
that's what people did before there were support groups, obviously. and as freshstart already mentioned, studies back up that in fact most people do this without organized support groups.

personally,i tried many many times by myself, and didn't make it until i joined a secular sobriety group.

what your husband can or cannot do...no-one here can say for sure.
is he dead-set against doing it with others, and if so, why?

cherra

I think he has to try it by himself before he will even discuss anything else. At least he knows he needs to stop. From what I've read though, the one glass of wine a night is not going to work and he may have to see that for himself also. I'm going to print off some information about Alcoholism and Getting Sober and leave it at the house. He needs to be aware of what changes he's going to go through.

zjw

One glass? sounds suspect it was always easy to fess about about some lesser amt then the reality.

Yep ultimately this is all within him to do or not do. I hate to say it but you cant force this change to come about in him. he either wants this or he doesnt. and He needs to learn these things for himself in his own timeframe on his own schedule whenever that might be *sigh*. If he's serious about quiting maybe get him the big book to read through lots of good info in there.

if he's tapering to 1 glass a day hey thats great but after only a few days of that I think he needs to bite the bullet and put it down before he reaches to pour another glass each day. Many have tapered only to just start drinking more.

I'd say be there for him etc.. but utlimately its up to the alcoholic. I would have easily chosen booze over my wife and kids ANYDAY when i was in the pit. Nothing my wife could say or do would have made me sober up. It wasnt until I chose too do something about my circumstances did anything change.

Nuudawn

The fact that I am here (or anyone here responding) would indicate a "no". I have known people who have. I actually dated a guy with two years of "on his own" sobriety. I ended it after about three weeks a month..it had nothing to do with drinking (as in mine)..he was a very whiny, pouty, irresponsible person. We were driving somewhere when we got a flat. He said he didn't have a spare. When I questioned why he said he just had a flat two weeks prior. I was like "really, who gets two flats in two weeks?". I then looked down at his tires. There was not ANY indication there had ever been ANY tread on that tired. TOTALLY bald..like beyond comprehension bald.

Ah well...he was sober.

Croissant

Oh Nuu....you've just added another thing to my paranoia of dating list. "Must check out his tyres".

Ken33xx

Yeah, but that too can also be found within the rooms of AA. I've been attending all kinds of meetings for years and have run across plenty of individuals with long-term sobriety who are anything but happy, joys and fee. I'm talking about members who swear by the 12-steps, sponsorship and would fall under the category of BB thumpers.

Actually, as a whole I don't find AA members (that have worked the steps and who have a time under their belt) anymore/less healthy than my co-workers or non-alcoholic family members.

Nuudawn

I'm not saying one needs AA...but I do believe one needs some scrutiny of why they are dealing with addiction in the first place. For me, sobriety is about enlarging your life and gaining maturity. Just because you sober, doesn't mean you mature or grow. I think the 12 steps is a path of moral improvement..but it's not the only way. I, myself, required work with a counsellor to truly start taking responsibility for myself and my life; to stop being a self pitying "victim" of circumstance so to speak. My life is a direct result of my choices.

I think we need to...grow emotionally one way or another. Does sobriety ensure growth? Not necessarily. Didn't seem to in his case

fini

cherra,
i had to see everything for myself many many times.
sorry, i know that's not encouraging to you.

i was convinced i not only COULD do it by myself but that i SHOULD be ABLE to.

i kept failing at it.

when i really understood i was a drunk, without any doubt left whatsoever, then i could quit. and i did that with others.

rove27

I quit on my own except for help from this forum and the help of God. I also attended 3 AA meetings, but have done it on my own this far.

gardendiva

The Small Book was one of the most helpful tools of my recovery. I share that fact here when asked. Psychologists, psychiatrists, and AA can help alcoholics too but since I didn't use those things to quit drinking I can't speak to them.