Diary of a Mad Cow, Part V: "Rise of Sober Cow" –everybody run!
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Lol !!! Ya'll cray.
I'm trying to heal Cow's brains via natural hormones and ya'll are having a side convo about glitter all up in her undercarriage.
Or, udder carriage ?
Bawaahahahaha.
Stepping into the cell now....
I'm trying to heal Cow's brains via natural hormones and ya'll are having a side convo about glitter all up in her undercarriage.
Or, udder carriage ?
Bawaahahahaha.
Stepping into the cell now....
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Hey... nobody messes with my Hitachi. Mine won't be up for sale or trade at any swap meets.
As for glitter in odd places...
is all I can say.
Cow, I always appreciate your sense of humor
What is life without it?
As for glitter in odd places...
is all I can say. Cow, I always appreciate your sense of humor
What is life without it?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Not to worry about posting bond, I think I have a get out of jail free card left in my pocketbook. I hope it's not expired.
I do believe there are many Great Truths wrapped in humor. i don't think I would have survived my adolescent years without the leavening of laughter. I was a bit morose growing up as I had a troubled childhood. It was a bit like living in a minefield, although there was no drinking or drug use. There were some serious personality disorders on the loose. I had a lot of anger at my parentals for warping my sibs and me. certain family members always went for the jugular with their wit. Those barbs hitting bullseye on any little area of self doubt or uncertainty. I think maybe the humor kept us all from becoming serial criminals of a violent nature. All of us are bonkers though.
Cow, letting out the anger repressed for years is scary. I hope you can find a safe place to do it. Screaming it out, all the rage, the torrents of tears. coming to the knowledge that it wasn't a defect or flaw in us, but a sickness in our "care" givers. That they betrayed us. Maybe not with intent but because they couldn't do any better. Because of their own demons. I would never have given them my get out of jail free card. But I was able to mitigate the sentence, maybe not with pure forgiveness but with understanding they were sicker than they made us. if that makes any sense at all. I'm not very good with writing.
im glad your here, dear Cow. And glad the rest of us are too.
Love from Lenina
I do believe there are many Great Truths wrapped in humor. i don't think I would have survived my adolescent years without the leavening of laughter. I was a bit morose growing up as I had a troubled childhood. It was a bit like living in a minefield, although there was no drinking or drug use. There were some serious personality disorders on the loose. I had a lot of anger at my parentals for warping my sibs and me. certain family members always went for the jugular with their wit. Those barbs hitting bullseye on any little area of self doubt or uncertainty. I think maybe the humor kept us all from becoming serial criminals of a violent nature. All of us are bonkers though.
Cow, letting out the anger repressed for years is scary. I hope you can find a safe place to do it. Screaming it out, all the rage, the torrents of tears. coming to the knowledge that it wasn't a defect or flaw in us, but a sickness in our "care" givers. That they betrayed us. Maybe not with intent but because they couldn't do any better. Because of their own demons. I would never have given them my get out of jail free card. But I was able to mitigate the sentence, maybe not with pure forgiveness but with understanding they were sicker than they made us. if that makes any sense at all. I'm not very good with writing.
im glad your here, dear Cow. And glad the rest of us are too.
Love from Lenina
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Was catching up with anhedonia forum today. So depressing. Everybody same boat as Cow. Some see no point to living, many is unable to sustain relationships for lack of emotional connection, almost all have huge laundry list of drugs and treatment they has try to no avail. Was Grandmama who suffer for very long time but was holding out hopes that when first grandbaby arrive it gonna spark emotion in her. And when she finally hold baby in her arm ...nothing. No feeling at all. Might as well be holding rock. You could tell how much this destroy her. She say, was last hope and she give up now.
...How that for freaking bringing this party down, huh?
...How that for freaking bringing this party down, huh?
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Lenina, my anger never really been repress. Totally diffuse by alcohol, yes, for sure. So without alcoholic distraction, angers and resentments is more pronounce, but I never make no bones about my crap family. And always I blames them, so no problem with self blaming. Who know what happen to make my papa way he is. Wish I knew. I would think has to be something very bad. Or not. Maybe he just has total f*ck up brain like lot of us, but in sick abusive way. I accept will never be answer or closures of any kind "with" him, cuz is impossible to resolve something with sociopath.
I try BBC "Sherlock," Guinea Pig, and he too, um, frenetic for Cow. And plus also I kind of burnt out on the "House" type quirky genius shows. (Although first few season of "House" and "Dexter" was great.) I not watch American "Sherlock."
I try BBC "Sherlock," Guinea Pig, and he too, um, frenetic for Cow. And plus also I kind of burnt out on the "House" type quirky genius shows. (Although first few season of "House" and "Dexter" was great.) I not watch American "Sherlock."
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Cow, so with anahedonia, is it only joy and contentment that isn't felt? Disappointment and emotional turmoil/pain is felt?
(((AO))) Thank you. I often fear I make no sense. Remnants of gaslighting from childhood, I think.
love from Lenina
Cow, we were posting at the same time. I know plenty of sociopaths. I guess my resolutions have been detachment and non involvement as soon as I realized the sociopathology was in play. I had as little contact as possible.
I think I learned that the alcohol did mute the pain, blur the vision. But it also created worse scars. I damaged myself.
(((AO))) Thank you. I often fear I make no sense. Remnants of gaslighting from childhood, I think.
love from Lenina
Cow, we were posting at the same time. I know plenty of sociopaths. I guess my resolutions have been detachment and non involvement as soon as I realized the sociopathology was in play. I had as little contact as possible.
I think I learned that the alcohol did mute the pain, blur the vision. But it also created worse scars. I damaged myself.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Lenina, you has never not ever make sense to Cow. Even when you not make sense, if that make sense. Okay?
Is several different anhedonia. Some people feels NOTHING, zero. Most, like me, just not can feel any pleasurable feeling, but still can experience all bad-feeling emotions. For us, is pleasure/reward chemicals/receptors that is busted in brain. From what I read on forums, people with zero feeling is hardest of all, cuz they usual very smart and aware that they living in total vacuum. At least I can bawl eyes out and rage, rage against my family and Taylor Swift. At least, while not pleasant, is little sense that you still human in that.
Is several different anhedonia. Some people feels NOTHING, zero. Most, like me, just not can feel any pleasurable feeling, but still can experience all bad-feeling emotions. For us, is pleasure/reward chemicals/receptors that is busted in brain. From what I read on forums, people with zero feeling is hardest of all, cuz they usual very smart and aware that they living in total vacuum. At least I can bawl eyes out and rage, rage against my family and Taylor Swift. At least, while not pleasant, is little sense that you still human in that.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
cow, thanks. I think I'm getting a better understanding. I understand your anahedonia is caused by a physical thing, like a scar or amputation, an inability to feel pleasure due to failure make the proper brain chemicals?
the raging is good, I think. Your family is certainly rage-worthy and Taylor Swift is undoubtably rage worthy as well. I would join an angry mob aimed at her insipidness.
I guess feeling at least anger and rage is say better than being in a void of vacuum? Wait a minute here...is there suckage in a vacuum? I think my Hoover sucks. in a good way. or is my stream of consciousness getting too deep? Or dense?
Love from Lenina
the raging is good, I think. Your family is certainly rage-worthy and Taylor Swift is undoubtably rage worthy as well. I would join an angry mob aimed at her insipidness.
I guess feeling at least anger and rage is say better than being in a void of vacuum? Wait a minute here...is there suckage in a vacuum? I think my Hoover sucks. in a good way. or is my stream of consciousness getting too deep? Or dense?
Love from Lenina
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Taylor Swift would be better served with my trunk goodies then all those ex boyfriends that cause her lamenting and crooning.
Then again, maybe not, those heartbreaks made her awful rich.
Hey ! Maybe that new profession for Cow !!! Writing morose country ballads.
ANd in the background of each of the songs instead of a cowbell, there would be a faint, buzzing noise.
(Closing door of cell behind me as we speak)....
Then again, maybe not, those heartbreaks made her awful rich.
Hey ! Maybe that new profession for Cow !!! Writing morose country ballads.
ANd in the background of each of the songs instead of a cowbell, there would be a faint, buzzing noise.
(Closing door of cell behind me as we speak)....
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
I'm not a very "sociable" person. I think introverts in general find socializing terribly exhausting and altogether boring and for me, downright painful and extremely anxiety producing. I'd just as soon spend a night alone doing my thing (NO! NOT THAT!) then pontificating regarding the weather or anything small talk related.
I mean I can if I have to, but choose it ? No freakin' way.
Now put me in nature, and ahhhhhhhh. Every stress just melts away. I can feel pleasure in watching an ant carry their dead.
Cow, is there nowhere, nothing, no joy in ANY place ANY where for you ?
I mean I can if I have to, but choose it ? No freakin' way.
Now put me in nature, and ahhhhhhhh. Every stress just melts away. I can feel pleasure in watching an ant carry their dead.
Cow, is there nowhere, nothing, no joy in ANY place ANY where for you ?
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Leshar, I so sorry you get me, but also I glad to has someone to get me. At least, in here, we can not pretend together, yes? And everybody here I think is total cool with our exhausted anhedonic asses.
AO, anhedonia is brain disorder, so, wherever I go, there it is, you see? Is has nothing to do with how objectively pleasurable place or activity "should" be. Would be like asking person with schizophrenia if there anywhere they can go to not has schizophrenia. But as you know, I does has great intellectual appreciation of nature. Is not "joy" or "ahhhhhh" feelings, is just appreciation, and, of course, you never has to pretend anything to nature, it total accept you as you are.
AO, anhedonia is brain disorder, so, wherever I go, there it is, you see? Is has nothing to do with how objectively pleasurable place or activity "should" be. Would be like asking person with schizophrenia if there anywhere they can go to not has schizophrenia. But as you know, I does has great intellectual appreciation of nature. Is not "joy" or "ahhhhhh" feelings, is just appreciation, and, of course, you never has to pretend anything to nature, it total accept you as you are.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Schizophrenia? Well, like my mentor would say and we'd both have a chuckle "You're never alone with a schizophrenic" he would say, and then I would say "and neither am I" hahaha. Good times for all.
Well its perhaps funnier f2f, yeah?
And the other thing... them voices... talk about invasion of privacy, lol.
Whatta ya gonna do?! If nothing else, i'm never bored.
Well its perhaps funnier f2f, yeah?
And the other thing... them voices... talk about invasion of privacy, lol.
Whatta ya gonna do?! If nothing else, i'm never bored.
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