Diary of a Mad Cow, Part V: "Rise of Sober Cow" –everybody run!
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Originally Posted by Cow 
I broken since early childhood. And it not poetic, redemptive, "a small light shine on the horizon if only I walks toward it" broken. It ugly, horrific, "spend whole life in vain try to resuscitate crushed spirit" broken.
What I'm about to say is going to p1ss you off to high heaven, but since you don't subscribe to that nonsense, I imagine you'll be ok.
Besides, you and I like a good verbal spar on a Wednesday afternoon. Kinda like having tea, minus the crumpets and hats and pinkys out.
There must be some manner that your current state of affairs and your mind set, is somehow "serving you".
Let me explain.
I have a driving phobia. It started when I was in college while driving home I had a raging panic attack on the highway. I was both hungover and mildly still high from the prior evenings festivities. I was drinking probably my 8th diet coke of the day and on my second pack of cigarettes. The fumes from filling up my gas tank got to my already overtaxed brain and BOOM off I went to Panicville. And there I have stayed for 23 years.
One event, and done.
I have spent the next 20 plus years trying to figure out what is wrong with my brain. I feel you when you talk about all your methods of self healing you have tried to no avail. I'm right there with you. Including the soul retrieval. (Tee hee, that was freaking hilarious wasn't it). And yet, regardless of what I have done, in earnest, to overcome this, I can't drive. It's gotten worse and worse over the years. Started out not being able to drive on the highway, and now, well, I don't drive at all.
To say it limits me is an understatement.
Now, in your opinion, is my brain legitimately broken or do I just have to suck it up and face my fears ?
I have vascilated between those two hypothesis' for decades.
I came to the conclusion some while ago, that it is actually A CHOICE of mine to not drive. That my brain has somehow managed to justify my neurotic and co dependent behavior making me both 1. Dependent on others so I don't have to face my abandonment issues and B. It keeps me the hell away from my narcissistic mother who, if I was able to drive, would expect me to take her everywhere, all the time.
I'm curious as to your thoughts on this because I respect and admire you.
I have a fever, and the only prescription is more Cowbelle.
I'll be here all week folks...
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,039
Y'all ponder too much. So don't drive. It's ok. Really. You live in Chicago.
Don't drink. Be kind to somebody today, or at least think a kind thought, or at least do no harm. Look closely at something.
This is what I read in the bathtub this morning. Cow, you should recognize it:
After the torch-light red on sweaty faces
After the frosty silence in the gardens
After the agony in stony places
The shouting and the crying
Prison and place and reverberation
Of thunder of spring over distant mountains
He who was living is now dead
We who were living are now dying
With a little patience
Most days, in the bathtub before my shower I re-read what I read the day before, and a few more lines. It's something, but I don't know what, but it's something.
Don't drink. Be kind to somebody today, or at least think a kind thought, or at least do no harm. Look closely at something.
This is what I read in the bathtub this morning. Cow, you should recognize it:
After the torch-light red on sweaty faces
After the frosty silence in the gardens
After the agony in stony places
The shouting and the crying
Prison and place and reverberation
Of thunder of spring over distant mountains
He who was living is now dead
We who were living are now dying
With a little patience
Most days, in the bathtub before my shower I re-read what I read the day before, and a few more lines. It's something, but I don't know what, but it's something.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
AO, I think you has very terrifying experience that happen to occur while you driving, so, of course, you brain associate this experience with driving. But really, it was propagated by ingestion of several drug that is prone to freak you brain out. I sure you was scar emotional by this and you brain thought you was gonna die. So now both you psyche and you brain adamantly on guard against what it experience as mortal danger.
Can you get past? I think you can, cuz rationally you can untie and diffuse this with understanding that it was not actual driving, but brain state cause by chemical, and that is not case anymore. You probable has to do slow repetitive progressive desensitizing steps. Why no give it a try?
I not think is same in my case, cuz I was sexual violate and psychological torture by my papa, who I had fundamentally trust. And my momma also have rage disorder and scare crap out of baby Cow. So I think with this sort of thing at very young age, it total change organic formation of brain. So how you re-wire or reclaim normalcy you never has to begin with, you see?
Is like, you train happen to go off track while driving, but you maybe can get train back on track, whereas my train was built by abusive sociopathic lunatic and even if I get it back on track, train is never gonna be right.
Can you get past? I think you can, cuz rationally you can untie and diffuse this with understanding that it was not actual driving, but brain state cause by chemical, and that is not case anymore. You probable has to do slow repetitive progressive desensitizing steps. Why no give it a try?
I not think is same in my case, cuz I was sexual violate and psychological torture by my papa, who I had fundamentally trust. And my momma also have rage disorder and scare crap out of baby Cow. So I think with this sort of thing at very young age, it total change organic formation of brain. So how you re-wire or reclaim normalcy you never has to begin with, you see?
Is like, you train happen to go off track while driving, but you maybe can get train back on track, whereas my train was built by abusive sociopathic lunatic and even if I get it back on track, train is never gonna be right.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
My mother drank, alcoholicly, while pregnant with me and I believe I'm on the fetal alcohol spectrum. Hence my extreme sensitivity to life and just about every environment other than maybe a beach at 75 and sunny. In addition, she, too had a disorder. Whether narcissism or I don't even know what bc when I was as little as 3yrs old she would get violently drunk and talk to something in the air. A demon perhaps. She's one messed up chick.
My brain was indelibly scarred to No More Normal EVER when I found my sister dead in her bed when I was 15. That pretty much sealed any deal I would ever have at a hope of living any sort of remotely normal life. Whatever the F that is anyway...
I compounded my already messed up gray matter by adding 20 years alcoholism to it. So there's that.
I have tried desensitization therapy. Brain no likey that either. When I say I've done it all, like you, I assure you, there ain't nothing left to try.
But to maybe make another choice.
I have a friend whose arm was ripped off his body in a car accident that should have bled him out. He survived. To this day he attributes this as the greatest gift life ever gave him . He took this adversity and it propelled him into becoming a very enlightened individual . And he was a jack wagon prior to his accident. I mean the kinda guy that steals from the poor to give to the rich.
But his life was forever altered. For the better. You should see this guy hit a golf ball. And don't even get me started on his Standing Bow pose.
My point, we can lament ad nauseum regarding our afflictions. Our trials and tribulations. Or maybe it's just high time we sh1t and get off the pot. And just do it for Christs sake. Get healed and get over it.
Or not.
At the end of the day, I believe it's our choice or not to confront the demons and have cake with them. Do we continue to allow our circumstances to define us . Or refine us ?
Otherwise we just stay on the hamster wheel, no ?
My brain was indelibly scarred to No More Normal EVER when I found my sister dead in her bed when I was 15. That pretty much sealed any deal I would ever have at a hope of living any sort of remotely normal life. Whatever the F that is anyway...
I compounded my already messed up gray matter by adding 20 years alcoholism to it. So there's that.
I have tried desensitization therapy. Brain no likey that either. When I say I've done it all, like you, I assure you, there ain't nothing left to try.
But to maybe make another choice.
I have a friend whose arm was ripped off his body in a car accident that should have bled him out. He survived. To this day he attributes this as the greatest gift life ever gave him . He took this adversity and it propelled him into becoming a very enlightened individual . And he was a jack wagon prior to his accident. I mean the kinda guy that steals from the poor to give to the rich.
But his life was forever altered. For the better. You should see this guy hit a golf ball. And don't even get me started on his Standing Bow pose.
My point, we can lament ad nauseum regarding our afflictions. Our trials and tribulations. Or maybe it's just high time we sh1t and get off the pot. And just do it for Christs sake. Get healed and get over it.
Or not.
At the end of the day, I believe it's our choice or not to confront the demons and have cake with them. Do we continue to allow our circumstances to define us . Or refine us ?
Otherwise we just stay on the hamster wheel, no ?
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
AO! Jesus God! 
We maybe more alike than I ever know.
I think is not for us to judge why some peoples is more resilient to trauma than other. Like we both say, is not like we not trying. A lot. I think if you brain was more fully form before trauma than is at least place for it to "get back to." I also think some brain is just genetically more able to bounce back and/or re-wire itself. Who know? We can only try as hard as we can try. Not everybody gonna has happy ending, yes? Is sad fact of life and I accept this, though I not fully succumb to it yet.
Here is one thing I imagine, and is maybe hubris, but I bet you if we was together, I totally get you into car, and we ride around block at 2 mile per hour probable laughing our asses off. Now, I has not laugh in LONG time, and you has not drive in LONG time, but I think would end up be like dysfunctional keystone cop/2 stooges comedy script and sometime abject silliness is where best transformation is.
We maybe more alike than I ever know. I think is not for us to judge why some peoples is more resilient to trauma than other. Like we both say, is not like we not trying. A lot. I think if you brain was more fully form before trauma than is at least place for it to "get back to." I also think some brain is just genetically more able to bounce back and/or re-wire itself. Who know? We can only try as hard as we can try. Not everybody gonna has happy ending, yes? Is sad fact of life and I accept this, though I not fully succumb to it yet.
Here is one thing I imagine, and is maybe hubris, but I bet you if we was together, I totally get you into car, and we ride around block at 2 mile per hour probable laughing our asses off. Now, I has not laugh in LONG time, and you has not drive in LONG time, but I think would end up be like dysfunctional keystone cop/2 stooges comedy script and sometime abject silliness is where best transformation is.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,039
AO, sorry, I wasn't trying to be disrespectful of your trauma or traumas. For me personally I've found that I'm able to cope with my problems better almost exactly to the extent that I look away from them. My self is a vortex that sucks me in and down. I haven't found that the only way out is through. I've found that the way out is outwards.
One thing I've seen among alcoholics in sobriety is that some become obsessed with solving their problems, curing themselves of the personality traits that brought them to addiction, resolving their character defects. But I've never loved anyone for being perfect. And I have loved people for their flaws.
I hope that you and Cow and everyone else find a way to live with yourselves that doesn't kill you too fast, doesn't hurt anyone else, and doesn't make you more than commonly miserable. I think that's a lot to hope for -- but sobriety has made me much more hopeful than I was before
One thing I've seen among alcoholics in sobriety is that some become obsessed with solving their problems, curing themselves of the personality traits that brought them to addiction, resolving their character defects. But I've never loved anyone for being perfect. And I have loved people for their flaws.
I hope that you and Cow and everyone else find a way to live with yourselves that doesn't kill you too fast, doesn't hurt anyone else, and doesn't make you more than commonly miserable. I think that's a lot to hope for -- but sobriety has made me much more hopeful than I was before
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Well of course we are alike Sugar ! Why do you think I won't ever give up on you ? It would be like I was failing myself. And I have worked too God damn hard for that.
No, my friend, we are in this for the long haul. I got us pictured like Thelma and Louise, but with my driving off a PCH cliff because I fainted behind the wheel and you laughing demonically screaming "MUH HA HA I TOLD YOU THIS IS HOW IT WOULD END !"
There was a moment after my father died, in my arms, of a massive heart attack, where I got really really REALLY mad at God and went all Tony Montana on the Universe. It was all captured in a fit of hysteria, laughing, crying and screaming "Jew wanna F-ck with me ?!?!? Come on, say hallo to my little fend".
I let the Universe (and any neighbor within a 3 block radius) Know that we were going mano a mano and while it could take anything and everyone it deemed necessary away from me, it COULD NOT STEAL MY JOY.
Nope, no way. It simply couldn't have that too.
And I made a conscious decision to find joy in every single day.
It's all I got.
I stepped over the line. It's like my deciding that gave the Universe and life a big F U.
*I* run this town, Ese. Do your worst. But I choose JOY. And I seek it out, everyday, in order to make sense of this life experience.
The Universe and I have since made up. But it was a little touch and go there for a bit. We are now BFF's and vacation together in the Hamptons.
That's all.
Now, as far as my magic fairy wand, two words, Hitachi Magic Wand. Ok, thats three. But who is counting. I encourage you to research it. And then buy one.
I'm totally going to Dee jail tonight. Bring bail money Thelma.
No, my friend, we are in this for the long haul. I got us pictured like Thelma and Louise, but with my driving off a PCH cliff because I fainted behind the wheel and you laughing demonically screaming "MUH HA HA I TOLD YOU THIS IS HOW IT WOULD END !"
There was a moment after my father died, in my arms, of a massive heart attack, where I got really really REALLY mad at God and went all Tony Montana on the Universe. It was all captured in a fit of hysteria, laughing, crying and screaming "Jew wanna F-ck with me ?!?!? Come on, say hallo to my little fend".
I let the Universe (and any neighbor within a 3 block radius) Know that we were going mano a mano and while it could take anything and everyone it deemed necessary away from me, it COULD NOT STEAL MY JOY.
Nope, no way. It simply couldn't have that too.
And I made a conscious decision to find joy in every single day.
It's all I got.
I stepped over the line. It's like my deciding that gave the Universe and life a big F U.
*I* run this town, Ese. Do your worst. But I choose JOY. And I seek it out, everyday, in order to make sense of this life experience.
The Universe and I have since made up. But it was a little touch and go there for a bit. We are now BFF's and vacation together in the Hamptons.
That's all.
Now, as far as my magic fairy wand, two words, Hitachi Magic Wand. Ok, thats three. But who is counting. I encourage you to research it. And then buy one.
I'm totally going to Dee jail tonight. Bring bail money Thelma.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
This thread is radically unchained and unhinged. The awesomeness is brilliant. Y'all rock. Inspirational. For all those who never quit on getting the next right thing done as we can get to it, this thread stands tall. How sweet to know a well lived life is not just another fabulous fairy-dream.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
"unchain and unhinged?!" That total offensive, Robot! You forgot "unfathomable"!
AO, I not hold grudge against universe, or death, or even Justin Bieber, okay little bit Justin Bieber. Is true, I pessimist/nihilist/dystopic about crappy humans and they denatured future. But I perceive plenty things in universe that by all right should cause joy, only my anhedonic brain not able to manufacture joy, so all I got is intellectual appreciations. You got a wand for that?
AO, I not hold grudge against universe, or death, or even Justin Bieber, okay little bit Justin Bieber. Is true, I pessimist/nihilist/dystopic about crappy humans and they denatured future. But I perceive plenty things in universe that by all right should cause joy, only my anhedonic brain not able to manufacture joy, so all I got is intellectual appreciations. You got a wand for that?
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
So quit pining for joy. By pining for something you may well never have, all you're doing is heaping extra pain onto the pain you've already suffered. Sounds as if you've done many solid, constructive things to work through and get to the root of your childhood issues. If you are satisfied that you have done all you can, then just let natural forces wash over you and gently erode what needs to be eroded over the course of your life.
I don't feel sentiment like the average person. It just is the way it is. I do my best to cooperate in the social universe, as i know you do. I have stopped the fruitless cravings. All they would do is keep me in a state of perpetual frustration, and I don't derive comfort from frustration. I have put it off. Any little twinges of envy of the rest of the world I get are just that: occasional little twinges. I am not consumed by the unending quest for joy.
The "illegitimi" grind us down enough. Why would we want to grind ourselves down?
I don't feel sentiment like the average person. It just is the way it is. I do my best to cooperate in the social universe, as i know you do. I have stopped the fruitless cravings. All they would do is keep me in a state of perpetual frustration, and I don't derive comfort from frustration. I have put it off. Any little twinges of envy of the rest of the world I get are just that: occasional little twinges. I am not consumed by the unending quest for joy.
The "illegitimi" grind us down enough. Why would we want to grind ourselves down?
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
So again, Cow, I pose the question to you, how does the continuation of your afflictions "serve" you ?
For example, I know for an absolute fact, your life experiences appear to have resulted in your becoming one hell of a writer.
Talk to me you silly little freak.
For example, I know for an absolute fact, your life experiences appear to have resulted in your becoming one hell of a writer.
Talk to me you silly little freak.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
I'm not speaking for Cow, yet if I had taken peoples usual advice to just accept and move on with respect to my own challenges, I would have sold myself down the river, over the falls, and ship-wrecked myself on the rocks. Game over. You lost. Want to play again?
In real life I've always wanted to be a real boy. Even today at 57 years old, I yet still yearn for what will never be. I'm all stocked up on others being what they think is progressive and compassionate on me as they tap my shoulder, squeeze my hand, and follow-thru with a sympathetic smile and a look on their face like they understand my challenges firsthand.
Don't get me started on what a REAL BOY is, lol. Suffice it to at least mean there is a serious disconnect between what my internal reality is experiencing and what serves up externally from my perspective. This is an understatement if ever their was one, lol.
I've learned that everything I am and am not is as important to me as I make it out to be. Somewhere as I boy I stopped living and it was my ruination. Physically I kept on. My psyche though went bye-bye. Since then, I've recovered enough to enjoy my life even though enjoyment is an acquired taste, yeah?
There is a danger in advising those who have little hope in hope itself to give up on the little they do have or even to guide them to redirect their efforts into more recognized paths. For some, the journey is the real thing while the destination can yet still be meaningless and this too works well for those who find themselves experiencing both reality and unreality all in the same experience.
In real life I've always wanted to be a real boy. Even today at 57 years old, I yet still yearn for what will never be. I'm all stocked up on others being what they think is progressive and compassionate on me as they tap my shoulder, squeeze my hand, and follow-thru with a sympathetic smile and a look on their face like they understand my challenges firsthand.
Don't get me started on what a REAL BOY is, lol. Suffice it to at least mean there is a serious disconnect between what my internal reality is experiencing and what serves up externally from my perspective. This is an understatement if ever their was one, lol.
I've learned that everything I am and am not is as important to me as I make it out to be. Somewhere as I boy I stopped living and it was my ruination. Physically I kept on. My psyche though went bye-bye. Since then, I've recovered enough to enjoy my life even though enjoyment is an acquired taste, yeah?
There is a danger in advising those who have little hope in hope itself to give up on the little they do have or even to guide them to redirect their efforts into more recognized paths. For some, the journey is the real thing while the destination can yet still be meaningless and this too works well for those who find themselves experiencing both reality and unreality all in the same experience.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,443
Originally Posted by Gilmer
I don't feel sentiment like the average person. It just is the way it is. I do my best to cooperate in the social universe, as i know you do. I have stopped the fruitless cravings.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
Anybody who has not exhausted all of the avenues of potential self-discovery should, indeed, not abandon ship, Robby. It is very possible that Cow, in her previous discussions, was in error when she said that she had tried everything. It is only in taking her at her word that I suggested she stop banging her head against the wall.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
I not pining, Gilmer, I too anhedonic to pine. Is not add to my suffering to wish things was different, I not dwell on this. But I not think is unreasonable or irrational for someone who mostly has no emotion or bad-feeling emotion to hope someday to feel some good emotion. I would like to participate emotionally with what my intellect observe as clever, artistic, beautiful or joyful. ...a cow can dream, yes? Otherwise all I got ahead of me is long stretch of empty highway that put me in melancholic trance as I drive on and on toward final destination.
AO, I not know how my affliction serve me. Maybe I not understand question. I was already good writer as a child and teachers was encourage this. I could maybe has been better writer if I not get derailed. Who can say?
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Even when everything is already exhausted is when hope shines brightest. Sometimes we just hold on not because we are fearful to let go, but sometimes because holding on is the right thing to do even though the resultant is not as yet perceived. Down each tunnel is not always a light to behold. Some tunnels just stay dark. Are we tough enough in the darkness, or do we always need that bit of light else we fade to black? I suggest life is made up of more than just a single tunnel too.
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