HopefulFaithful

I am new to this community. But I have been through some 12 step work.
I am starting the steps again... because I have been dating a guy... I should say had..
He hid the alcohol problem from me. But not before I developed deep feelings for him. He had been through rehab before. I don't even know how many times. I just know he said he had been sober for 5 years. Then I caught him with beer.

I know he needs space to heal. He told me he doesn't have anything to give to me or anyone right now.
I am trusting what he said.. but it hurts very deeply.

I sort of get that he may be truly worried that he will die if he does not make the sobriety stick this time... so I get why he has to be self protective. His rehab counselor told him no relationships for 6 months. Apparently the last time he fell off the wagon it was "because of a woman". I don't really know the details. I'm just trying to learn about how it is for you in early recovery. I want to know how to be supportive if he comes back sober in 6 months.
I am not sure we will get back together, we may just be friends.
Why is it so hard to have an intimate relationship in recovery? I am here to listen.. not to talk. I am so sad missing him but only he can keep on the path and of course I want him well. Any tips, stories to help me not contact him for 6 months? It is really really hard to not call him.

yeahgr8

Hi there

I am in AA what do you mean you had done some 12 step work? You are working through the steps with a sponsor at the moment is that right? What do you mean, have you done a step 4? The reason I ask is to see how you are doing with regard to knowing yourself and your motivations.

Say you gave gone to AA and done no work on yourself. It is clear that the right thing to do is leave him alone for 6 months minimum so he can try and recover from alcoholism. I feel that you could get to the bottom of why you are not automatically taking the loving course of action, sure it will be based on self entered fear, but you can find out with the help if a good sponsor and a little work.

What does your sponsor say?

HopefulFaithful

Yeahgrh8 that is a good point.. about getting to the bottom of why you are not automatically taking the loving course of action. That was my first thought and I was like that for a few weeks... but when he asked me to remain his girlfriend and be celibate for 6 months.. I wanted to and knuckled down to start the steps again. Then I looked on the dating website that we met on... I had taken my profile down, but you can still look someone up.. and it shows if they have been online. It showed that he was online every day. It made me feel very insecure.. and I overreacted.. I momentarily forgot I was dealing with a pickled mind that needed rest for a good few months before he can really think straight. I frankly got scared that he was just using me because I am kind and compassionate but planned to throw me over as soon as he is back on his feet. I also was concerned about why if the counselor said no relationships he was on the website all the time... and why he wanted me to sacrafice 6 months of my life to wait for him and he could not even do me the courtesy of not emailing a bunch of women. I do not think he was meeting them or cheating.. I truly think he was trying to work his program and in meetings every night. But he may have a co-addiction to the dating site and be after praise from women... just any kind word or flirtation I guess. I never suspected that he was meeting them.. but it hurt and I lost my cool demeanor for a couple of days.. and forgot to keep my eyes on the goal... that he remains alive and well.... and that any relationship is secondary to his living .. Before I discovered he was so active on the dating site... I easily focused on his kids as deserving a sober Dad and was totally behind him... then I kind of freaked out.. because I have a strong need to feel safe and protected in a relationship. I am very very monogamous.
So I know I made a mistake to bring that up.. I should have let it go and quietly distanced my heart from him and waited for the fallout 6 months away... So yes I need to work on that question, thank you for pointing it out.

When my father was alive I went through the entire 12 steps twice, once in a secular alanon environment, and again in a Christian Recovery program... which was kind of a catchall of both addicted and co-dependants.. I was in that program for 3 years. Then recently I attended CODA and did step studies...now many years later. However.. I missed some of the meetings... so I am starting over with my CODA workbook on my own, and yes I have a sponsor. I also have been in therapy with a trained professional who has a lot of addiction specialty. She is concerned that I have some love addiction tendencies ... not super serious... but I do have trouble letting go of a relationship. So I am doing the steps for my own strength... regardless of whether I see the recent boyfriend again. I also work with young people, many of whom have serious addiction problems... so I feel I need more understanding and strengthening. I am not allowed to "help" the young people.. but every day I am confronted with addiction problems and their consequences with these promising young people that are already severely addicted. I am not a therapist and not allowed to intervene. But my heart aches watching the pain of both my young friends and my old salty boyfriend.

yeahgr8

Hang on are you an alcoholic/addict or family/friend/GF of one if you know what I mean? Your post mystified me a bit looking it at the view point of myself an alcoholic that's why I am wondering if you might need, for your benefit, to go to the family and friends section for support on this one?

HopefulFaithful

I don't know.. I am trying to learn about early recovery from an alcoholics point of view, especially someone who has relapsed multiple times.

I don't even know why I trust an alcoholic who has lied to me about his drinking.. I guess because my Dad was never violent or mean.. he was a kindly drunk, and highly functional and we were very close. I also am wondering if I am an alcoholic magnate unknowingly.

HopefulFaithful

Oh.. sorry, not to be indirect. I used to drink too much but it was many many years ago. And it was brief.. I was a binge drinker in college. I did use alcohol to cover pain, so that is alcoholic behavior. But I do not think my physical craving was a strong as I have seen it be for other alcoholics so I am confused by that. Sometimes I find myself in despair and craving a drink and i absolutely make sure I never ever drink when I feel that.. and I have been able to just say no way for 25 years to that feeling. I did have my nights I cannot remember and all of that.. So long ago. I cannot even remember what the first month of recovery was like and I had no supervision.. I was scared straight because i almost got raped the night I gave up drinking.. and then I got in the car to get away from these awful thug guys and drunk drove home.. and was petrified I would kill someone. I was plastered. This was before cell phones.
So I am both.. I guess a recovering alcoholic.. but I no longer have problems with cravings... and a g/f and daughter of an alcoholic. My alcohol problem I quit cold turkey without 12 steps 25 years ago.

But.. the pattern of addiction is coming from all sides in my family...so all of the above. I just don't primarily identify as an alcoholic. Now I social drink about once every 6 months.. maximum never more than one beer or half glass of wine. I am very very careful... and also scared of the stuff..

yeahgr8

I think you will be able to get some help from like minded people here Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I would not have ever gotten sober until I was ready. Until I did some work on myself I never knew myself and any relationship a person had with me was with the facade I had built up and not with me. In hindsight although I professed I did love certain people in my life I was really only interested in what I could get out of it and had no idea what a loving relationship would look like! I did need my enablers because without our enablers we are 'doomed' to have to face ourselves and that is when real recovery can begin.

My advice would be to find someone who has done sufficient work on themselves to change from where you are now to where you want to be and get them to help you to do the same.

FYI as a recovering alcoholic who as an active alcoholic brought chaos and misery to anyone's lives who were unfortunate enough to come into contact with me for extended periods of time I can assure you I would not consider for a second having an active alcoholic as a life partner. If they were 5 or 10 years sober and I could recognise that they had done the work to change, had a stable life, had friends who would tell me how much they had changed etc then I might consider dating them but would be very wary and careful for a longer time than dating a non-alcoholic.

Good luck with your journey:-)

HopefulFaithful

Yes, well.. that is exactly how I felt when I met my salty boyfriend. He told me he was sober for 5 years so I felt kind of safe and we had a lot of fun.

I did not know it was a lie.
So... what happened was he lied to me because he knew I would not have considered committing to him and getting physical with him if he was an active drinker. In fact I showed him my chip on our first in person date and told him how important that is to me. But we dated for a while and I did not know he was drinking.

So.. there is something wrong with me that I don't just get really mad and walk away from the man and never want to see him again for lying to me. I should not be such a softie.

And.. I am rather petrified that he would relapse and bring that crap into my life that I know all too well from my own youth when my Dad would call me up with the "I don't know where I am, please come pick me up" phone calls... trying to hide the fact that he was plastered some where from my mom.

I also have a very close friend that is a determined alcoholic, determined to kill himself and not get sober.. and I am very close to him and his children and I see the terrible destruction and have heard his wife's stories.

So I want none of that. But I fell for the guy before I knew and I am decidedly confused. i definitely do not want to sacrifice my peace of mind or my sobriety for anyone. I was not having co-dependency problems before he showed up and suddenly I am pushed into the co-dependent baloney again.. just by his drama.

I suppose I won't really know a thing until he is left alone and I hope sober for a long while. I know he literally goes to meetings 5 nights at least a week. I was supportive while he was in facility rehab. But I may just not be someone who can handle it.. I am not at all interested in bottle checking or being suspicious. I just want to trust and love and have no drama. Somehow we had that before I found out he was drinking... I am so glad I found out.. but truthfully I cannot know him until he comes up for air in 6 months anyway.. I am just really truly bonded to him and having a very hard time not calling. It is very very possible that he will be years away from the guy I would be able to have a real committed relationship with... and I just have to let it go. I am just emotionally still bonded and just coming up for air from the whole I could not find him, is he dead, what happened, oh he is in rehab.. thank God he is alive.. drama thing. So I have been on adrenaline for a whole 2 months myself... and I am just now starting to breathe deep and look at this. Anyone else's experiences with the first few months and what a relationship did to help or hurt that.. would be appreciated.. as I can't remember the first few months of my sobriety it was too long ago, and not supervised.

Mountainmanbob

you may not be able to see it clearly from the side that you are on
but
from over here it looks like the odds are stacked high against you and him

there are many out in the world
that carry much less baggage

little ones -- we need not bring onto ourselves extra suffering
there is already plenty to go around

MM

HopefulFaithful

Yes mountain man... I intellectually agree with you and the feelings will mellow eventually. He is the first man that really shares my common interests that I have met since my divorce a few years ago and I was off the market for 20 years..

So he is my first boyfriend.. since my divorce. I'll get over it eventually.

Aellyce

I'm approaching 3 months sober. I was very isolated during the last 2 years of my drinking, despite of being in a relationship on and off. As for how much space is good to have in early recovery - I actually find that I'm better off being pushed into activities that involve social contact. Would still tend to want that "space" more often than not. It's definitely more constructive for me to be around people and interact with them.

I maintained my relationship into my sobriety, but very clearly do find that negativity and too much emotional drama is not good for me in this phase. It never occurred to me (or to my gf) to have a break from the relationship in relation to my recovery work, but I do keep a certain distance. We work in the same place so meet all the time, but there we focus on work and not much on personal interaction (this has always been the case). Outside, we have shared programs 2-3x a week, sometimes only 1x or less when she's out of town or I am.

My gf is also going through a difficult period, struggling with depressive tendencies and existential questions, and we discuss these anytime she wants. We don't talk about my recovery much. I'm struggling a little with all this, am often feeling I keep a little too much distance and I also focus on new, emerging interests... while at the same time don't want to drift apart from her. Whole construct is not always easy.

Just wanted to share my story and won't make any qualitative statements whether it's good to be in a relationship in early sobriety or not. I honestly think this is better to be decided on an individual, case by case basis.

Mountainmanbob

thank you for shedding more light here
I understand and remember all so well my single lonely years
for most men and Ladies -- we want and need to be with someone
I kind of look at this as a gift from God (if sent)

I went with the wrong one for many years (knew that deep inside)
we would break up, get back to together, break up, get back together
then once when we were broken up
she met a guy in AA and married him in prox two weeks
I was relieved and very happy for them
now I knew that we would not get back together
was this God working ? maybe so ?
for in time God brought the one that I had been praying for into my life

there are some quality places in which to meet singles
church single groups I think to be one of the best

if this gentleman is not the one for you ???
I hope that God will send you the right one

Bob

Hawkeye13

I'm sorry for your pain.
It seems like if he was really focusing on the program he wouldn't be on a dating site daily.

That's a big red flag, especially when he wants to put you on "hold" for six months.

Alcoholisim and recovery aside, that's just a crappy thing to do in my opinion.
Presumably he is sober and doing this, so you can't blame it on bad drunken judgement.

I can tell how much you care about him, but you deserve respect and honesty.

Please take care of yourself in this situation and don't just excuse away unacceptable actions because he is in recovery.

HopefulFaithful

Yes I agree with a normal brain, that dating site activity is crappy when someone is in a committed relationship which we were a few days ago. However... I had forgotten that an alcoholic that has been sober less than 30 days is not a normal brain... I do not actually know how long or how much he had been drinking. I forgot to treat him like the truth.. that he was very physically ill from the poison of alcohol... and in the long term scheme of things... if he had some kind of addiction to attention from women online... although it is not ideal.. it is not a huge big deal compared to getting sober.
However... it very clearly demonstrates to me... that he was in no way ready to be looking at my needs and feelings in a mutual relationship.. his crisis makes everything about him all the time. That is the case with most alcoholics that are not sober and apparently in his case an alcoholic that had been sober for less than a month. So I forgive him now... now that my hurt has subsided.. for not protecting me from his own behavior. But... the forgiveness is for that of a sick person who needs to work on stuff before he can deserve a woman like me. So if he is to approach me in 6 months and try again, which right now is a maybe.. then I would hope he has the new perspective that 6 months of sobriety would bring. And I hope he understands why I would have no tolerance for carrying on flirtations with other women if he expects me to be in a sexually monogamous relationship, even if we choose celibacy in order to get to know each other before we take it further... I am a very unique person and I require very strong boundaries and a very protected state for my heart to be free and at play with a man. I am very passionate and kind but can only be myself if I feel absolutely protected... and online activity behind my back would be deeply deeply painful. It is a red flag because if he indeed has an addiction to seeking attention.... that is another whole problem and quite frankly I think that would need private individual therapy ... a lot of stuff would best be recovered from with both meetings and private therapy. I believe he is most active in celebrate recovery. He does not live in my city, in my city our celebrate recovery leader actually has a degree in some sort of therapy ... albiet through a pastoral avenue, but it is a license. I do not know his leaders and if they are qualified to point him in the right direction so I hope he seeks individual therapy to recover from child abuse he suffered and continues to be plagued with the memory of ... and the healing in meetings from the group support. I look at the two as companion therapies that both are needed when issues are big. Nothing against AA or CR...but both are needed for the deepest stuff.

HopefulFaithful

I will say to his credit... the thing I like about him is he does talk about his feelings. He actually wears them on his sleeve too much and cried on my like a baby. Too much, yes but I prefer that to the man who buries it and never says what is up. So his rehab experience from before and his many friends has taught him to be an excellent communicator. That is why I fell for him. And... I will say when I discovered he was still drinking i did give him grief for several days making him listen to a lot of the hurts that I had to endure at the hands of alcoholic Dad, Uncle, Aunt, ex boyfriend.. and made it very very clear that everyone forgives the addiction... and has sympathy but it is the lying that hurts us all and I cannot endure another man who lies to me. I am so so tired of lies. He heard all of that and took it like a man, and went to rehab.. and was kind and gentlemanly and appreciative in all ways EXCEPT this dating website bulloney.. Where he said that he is just giving the women "polite no s" .. but I took my profile down, and proved it and he could have taken his down. So I think that leaving it up there at all to invite women to email him.. and even updating his profile with pictures I took of him buying a new surfboard on his birthday... and posting them on the dating site.. after we spent the night together.. I was so mad. That is not okay in any book. Yes he sure did look cute with his new surfboard.. post it on facebook and get your buddies to say so not single women looking for a boyfriend. Okay.. I am still mad.. thanks for listening. It is the lies that make me mad. I forgive the addiction easily.. but the lies hurt.

Hearts

I'm hesitant to give you an opinion since it's just the internet but I do agree with Hawkeye. I did jerky things when I was drinking but when I dry up my brain is stuffy and I feel guilty about even made up things. Going on a dating site never even entered my mind. It does make me feel very unclear as to if he's still drinking or not.

HopefulFaithful

Wow... something to think about...

all the men that run the rehab he went to were praising him for having such a cool girlfriend ... and that is an AA meeting kind of rehab...

and his CR buddies I don't know... but. I hope he knows that I won't criticize him if he fell off the wagon.. but I won't sit back and watch him destroy himself either... I would go get medical help for him to get on some medication and I know a more comprehensive treatment center with some good therapists... and I know he can afford it.

But... the party would be over.. for sure.. I hope he is not hiding something..

my heart aches at the thought.. because there is no reason to live in guilt when you can live in love and truth... especially someone like him .. he is so funny and so well loved by all... And if you heard the stories of what he has survived you would want to come alongside him as well.. A truly barbaric childhood.

HopefulFaithful

Well.. I am very glad I posted this in the last 24 hours because ... you guys have really helped me. My salty ex boyfriend just sent me a mean email.
So.. I guess that means he is drinking again because I do not think that is his character without drinking. If it is his character and he is sober.. then I feel really sorry for him.. acting like a cactus.. if anyone gets close and hugs a cactus... ouch.

Thank you for preparing me for the idea that yeah, he did fall off the wagon.. it feels better to think that this meanness is alcohol talking and not his character.
I wish him well and I am glad he has a large community of men to fall back on because I am not up for being called names.

Leshar

You sound like a lovely, caring and compassionate woman. Please, please, let this man go. He is not good energy, he is not good for you. He has multiple problems, it seems to me he is taking advantage of your kindness.
Free yourself, literally and figuratively.
Don't look back.

HopefulFaithful

Thank you Leshar. I am way too positive and on the move to languish around where someone is going to be irritable and downtrodden. If he wants to catch up with me down the road and tell me good news like he made up with his kids.. he can certainly find me to let me know. I will pray for him.