How much "space" do you need to Recover?
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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I am still struggling with missing him. It appears when he rejects me.. and even though logically I know he has good reason, supposedly to focus on his healing .. that his shutting me out and the realization that we may never talk again sets off a clingy panic in me. I am trying to just look at those feelings ... I intellectually get it .. but emotionally I have been on a roller coaster and crying and I am literally having a chemical withdrawal from loving him. I realize the mature love I feel for him is giving him his freedom and wanting his recovery and giving him his space... but in the middle of the night when he is not next to me in bed I hold my pillow and cry and have withdrawal symptoms and I don't want to be like that.
When I feel like that I try to remember that he lied to me from the start and that some of my bonding to him was happening because I thought he was sober and ready for a relationship and that he was just wishful thinking and acting ready when he was hiding an internal crisis. I understand he hid a lot in order to get me interested. I should be so mad that I don't bond. So now I am mad at myself for these feelings .... the still wanting him even if he is not in a relationship ready state.. I don't want to be in love with him right now. So I am just confessing this... because it is not logical and I am really struggling and I wish I were stronger. I am getting stronger. But I don't understand why I went and got all clingy and crying when he dumped me because the counselor told him to. I guess it is because I was invested in him and I am suddenly cut off.. and really I am still friends with other ex boyfriends and being totally cut off is just really painful.
When I feel like that I try to remember that he lied to me from the start and that some of my bonding to him was happening because I thought he was sober and ready for a relationship and that he was just wishful thinking and acting ready when he was hiding an internal crisis. I understand he hid a lot in order to get me interested. I should be so mad that I don't bond. So now I am mad at myself for these feelings .... the still wanting him even if he is not in a relationship ready state.. I don't want to be in love with him right now. So I am just confessing this... because it is not logical and I am really struggling and I wish I were stronger. I am getting stronger. But I don't understand why I went and got all clingy and crying when he dumped me because the counselor told him to. I guess it is because I was invested in him and I am suddenly cut off.. and really I am still friends with other ex boyfriends and being totally cut off is just really painful.
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I think that some of the panic I feel is a lot like what I used to feel 25 years ago when I was drinking heavily. But back then I would feel despair and lonliness and it was very often over a man that was just not grown up enough to be in a real relationship... and I was isolating and drinking. I don't feel the desire to drink it away, thankfully. But the wallowing in depression temptation is so similar to drinking that it is probably what people mean by "dry drunk". Somehow I was able to go cold turkey years ago and not use alcohol to cover pain so not to complicate life with car accidents... and recklessnes but... the tendency to despair over things and kind of wallow in depression is still there. It is not a control thing though.. I am glad for that. I am not freaking out because I cannot control my salty ex or the affections of a man... it is more of a why can't I find love thing... a despair that is independent of the particular guy. So I am not trying to make him love me or anything like that... but every time I really invest in someone and it does not work out it seems that much harder to try again to bother with it. LIke why would I want to try again when I will just get kicked in the face for wanting what seems like so many other people have so easily. And that is when I start crying.. when I think.. I don't get it... I am nice, and kind and funny and sweet and every time I try to share love.. I get someone who lies to me and I find I have placed my affection in the trust of someone who seemed to deserve me at first.. and then I find out.. he is not ready, or he is not someone with relationship skills, or he was using me. And it makes me just despair that I keep trying to trust and I keep going out there and how many times do I have to get kicked in the face? My ex husband married me for my parent's money it turned out... so I went almost 2 decades without love in my life. I did not believe in divorce. I would not divorce until his behavior turned violent against our child and then I said forget my beliefs against divorce I have to protect the children. But in the marriage...I did not even have basic kindness... it was a fearful walking on eggshells so he does not get mad atmosphere. I am so happy to be away and free. But the men I meet .. they literally say they are single and I find out they are still married, or they say they are sober and I find out they are not only drinking but have 30 years of painful destructive trainwrecks in their relationships.. and I just despair and isolate. I do get out to my groups one is 12 step. But I am not going to date guys in my group. So that won't be some kind of cure for this lonliness. But I am noticing that this is very like the pain I was covering with scotch years ago.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Oh.. forgot to mention. My ex husband is what I have learned is called a "punitive narcissist". So he targeted me for money before marriage, milked my parents for a few hundred grand, wiped out all of my assets, then tried to bully my elderly mother into more money at about the same time he hit my son. So I got away from him to protect my kids and my mom. But.. he is still hoping to get money out of my mom. I just have a simple blue collar job and I have nothing left for him to steal. But.. that is a huge complication when dating. Men can see that I have a difficult ex who plays games with if I can see our children for my birthday or not ... and other stupid stuff.. just to punish me.
It effects me less and less and my children are getting older.. but it still takes a very strong, very together guy to ignore that crap and not get sucked in. So I am struggling with boundaries every day to keep my ex from deliberately messing with my life.. and to protect my children from his temper by teaching them how to re-frame their thoughts. And I don't want a relationship that is based on talking about my ex at all. So i don't want to share the ongoing bulloney of the ex with my future man. I want to protect him from it.. and just be happy and free and not concerned about the crazy who keeps trying to get attention.
So.. I do forgive my salty ex for not being strong enough to handle any relationship and not strong enough to handle a relationship with me in particular.... both. But the despair is.. wow it is hard to find that strong man who can ignore all the crap and just be happy in our own life. So I despair that the crap of others threatens to prevent me from peace and my own path.
It effects me less and less and my children are getting older.. but it still takes a very strong, very together guy to ignore that crap and not get sucked in. So I am struggling with boundaries every day to keep my ex from deliberately messing with my life.. and to protect my children from his temper by teaching them how to re-frame their thoughts. And I don't want a relationship that is based on talking about my ex at all. So i don't want to share the ongoing bulloney of the ex with my future man. I want to protect him from it.. and just be happy and free and not concerned about the crazy who keeps trying to get attention.
So.. I do forgive my salty ex for not being strong enough to handle any relationship and not strong enough to handle a relationship with me in particular.... both. But the despair is.. wow it is hard to find that strong man who can ignore all the crap and just be happy in our own life. So I despair that the crap of others threatens to prevent me from peace and my own path.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I'm sorry for your pain Hopeful.
Because relationships are tricky even for perfectly healthy folks. For me, all relationships were always difficult because my picker was broke. It sure didn't fix itself the moment I got sober.
Originally Posted by HopefulFaithful 
Why is it so hard to have an intimate relationship in recovery?
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: California
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If it helps and gives you a bit of company, I'm currently dealing with a break up, too. He wasn't an alcoholic but he had severe low-self esteem that I only now (this is day three) realize was poisoning me. I found his online dating profile AND I also really don't believe him that he was using it to meet women so much as make him feel important. I demanded his password to see that he was not emailing them (although he had been favoriting them around dates like our anniversary and my birthday throughout the entire relationship. I view that as an addiction of its own). Finding a good man IS super hard to find but I see them in my own dad and husbands of my friends and I know they exist out there. But wasting time trying to fix ones that aren't good for you is just a bandaid... from the dollar store, lol. 
Please keep reminding yourself that YOU are not the problem and YOU did nothing wrong. Go to the gym even if just for a bit (if you aren't already) to stay active and happy. Talk regularly with friends and loved ones. I've also been binge-watching Drop Dead Diva on Netflix (if you are in America) and it is just the perfect show for a break up for me. You might want to check it out.
Please keep reminding yourself that YOU are not the problem and YOU did nothing wrong. Go to the gym even if just for a bit (if you aren't already) to stay active and happy. Talk regularly with friends and loved ones. I've also been binge-watching Drop Dead Diva on Netflix (if you are in America) and it is just the perfect show for a break up for me. You might want to check it out. Member
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 54
[QUOTE=Hearts;4609751]If it helps and gives you a bit of company, I'm currently dealing with a break up, too. He wasn't an alcoholic but he had severe low-self esteem that I only now (this is day three) realize was poisoning me. I found his online dating profile AND I also really don't believe him that he was using it to meet women so much as make him feel important. I demanded his password to see that he was not emailing them (although he had been favoriting them around dates like our anniversary and my birthday throughout the entire relationship. I view that as an addiction of its own). Finding a good man IS super hard to find but I see them in my own dad and husbands of my friends and I know they exist out there. But wasting time trying to fix ones that aren't good for you is just a bandaid..
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I am sorry you are dealing with the same pain. My salty ex boyfriend was not a bad guy at all.. in fact he is very very good guy. He would not have been able to fool me if he wasn't pretty close to what I am looking for...
but the work he has to do to get to where he is going is not my work and ... it is going to be very hard. I hope he does it.. I really do, it is the only way he will have peace. But he needs a real professional therapist to deal with PTSD..and i hope he does it soon and confronts his Dad while his Dad is still in good enough health to be confronted. I am sure even though my salty ex is a very big tall football player sized guy.. he feels like a vulnerable little kid around the Dad that beat him up. But as long as his family system is so sick and he is so focused on it and they all make "nice nice" like there was not years of serious beatings, embarrassing displays and lack of validation of a very very good kid... a kid that did not break laws and was a high acheiver.. as long as he is bonded to the pain of his family system and not digging super deep with a therapist ... then I think he will remain stuck in this stupid false guilt that makes him drink. It is so sad that the victim feels guilty but it works that way sometimes.. he was the victim and he feels guilt.. that is weird.. and then he feels double guilt because some of the stuff he did as an adult was terrible. He has neglected his relationship responsibilities with his own children while he is off inebriating his pain. So he has to pull up his own big boy pants and do it ..
I will be praying for him but probably not speaking to him. I hope to God he gets a therapist and does not just rely on meetings. I believe he needs both because he needs the community and acceptance of the meetings and the dig deep and confrontation of a therapist. But he is a man of character.. who has let guilt and addiction steal his effectiveness. He is successful in many areas and not a loser. But there is a level of healing that only God and therapy can touch and if a girlfriend tries to go there.. she will get bitten for sure... I have seen the reasons why it is nice to have the distance of a professional therapist dig in there with you... because the blame dynamic stays out of it. When addicts dig they frequently blame and if it is a girlfriend helping them dig, or mom or a friend... then they will get the scorpion tail snap back ... It is just a dynamic that is not ideal. So no way do I want to do any "fixing". I already have kids and even they are getting too old for great interventions and are more for a little guidance and letting them think for themselves. That saying about the King didn't like what was said so he killed the messenger comes to mind... when thinking of fixing grown ups. Not for me.
---
I am sorry you are dealing with the same pain. My salty ex boyfriend was not a bad guy at all.. in fact he is very very good guy. He would not have been able to fool me if he wasn't pretty close to what I am looking for...
but the work he has to do to get to where he is going is not my work and ... it is going to be very hard. I hope he does it.. I really do, it is the only way he will have peace. But he needs a real professional therapist to deal with PTSD..and i hope he does it soon and confronts his Dad while his Dad is still in good enough health to be confronted. I am sure even though my salty ex is a very big tall football player sized guy.. he feels like a vulnerable little kid around the Dad that beat him up. But as long as his family system is so sick and he is so focused on it and they all make "nice nice" like there was not years of serious beatings, embarrassing displays and lack of validation of a very very good kid... a kid that did not break laws and was a high acheiver.. as long as he is bonded to the pain of his family system and not digging super deep with a therapist ... then I think he will remain stuck in this stupid false guilt that makes him drink. It is so sad that the victim feels guilty but it works that way sometimes.. he was the victim and he feels guilt.. that is weird.. and then he feels double guilt because some of the stuff he did as an adult was terrible. He has neglected his relationship responsibilities with his own children while he is off inebriating his pain. So he has to pull up his own big boy pants and do it ..
I will be praying for him but probably not speaking to him. I hope to God he gets a therapist and does not just rely on meetings. I believe he needs both because he needs the community and acceptance of the meetings and the dig deep and confrontation of a therapist. But he is a man of character.. who has let guilt and addiction steal his effectiveness. He is successful in many areas and not a loser. But there is a level of healing that only God and therapy can touch and if a girlfriend tries to go there.. she will get bitten for sure... I have seen the reasons why it is nice to have the distance of a professional therapist dig in there with you... because the blame dynamic stays out of it. When addicts dig they frequently blame and if it is a girlfriend helping them dig, or mom or a friend... then they will get the scorpion tail snap back ... It is just a dynamic that is not ideal. So no way do I want to do any "fixing". I already have kids and even they are getting too old for great interventions and are more for a little guidance and letting them think for themselves. That saying about the King didn't like what was said so he killed the messenger comes to mind... when thinking of fixing grown ups. Not for me.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Originally Posted by HopefulFaithful
Oh.. forgot to mention. My ex husband is what I have learned is called a "punitive narcissist". So he targeted me for money before marriage, milked my parents for a few hundred grand, wiped out all of my assets, then tried to bully my elderly mother into more money at about the same time he hit my son. So I got away from him to protect my kids and my mom. But.. he is still hoping to get money out of my mom. I just have a simple blue collar job and I have nothing left for him to steal. But.. that is a huge complication when dating. Men can see that I have a difficult ex who plays games with if I can see our children for my birthday or not ... and other stupid stuff.. just to punish me.
It effects me less and less and my children are getting older.. but it still takes a very strong, very together guy to ignore that crap and not get sucked in. So I am struggling with boundaries every day to keep my ex from deliberately messing with my life.. and to protect my children from his temper by teaching them how to re-frame their thoughts. And I don't want a relationship that is based on talking about my ex at all. So i don't want to share the ongoing bulloney of the ex with my future man. I want to protect him from it.. and just be happy and free and not concerned about the crazy who keeps trying to get attention.
So.. I do forgive my salty ex for not being strong enough to handle any relationship and not strong enough to handle a relationship with me in particular.... both. But the despair is.. wow it is hard to find that strong man who can ignore all the crap and just be happy in our own life. So I despair that the crap of others threatens to prevent me from peace and my own path.
It effects me less and less and my children are getting older.. but it still takes a very strong, very together guy to ignore that crap and not get sucked in. So I am struggling with boundaries every day to keep my ex from deliberately messing with my life.. and to protect my children from his temper by teaching them how to re-frame their thoughts. And I don't want a relationship that is based on talking about my ex at all. So i don't want to share the ongoing bulloney of the ex with my future man. I want to protect him from it.. and just be happy and free and not concerned about the crazy who keeps trying to get attention.
So.. I do forgive my salty ex for not being strong enough to handle any relationship and not strong enough to handle a relationship with me in particular.... both. But the despair is.. wow it is hard to find that strong man who can ignore all the crap and just be happy in our own life. So I despair that the crap of others threatens to prevent me from peace and my own path.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 54
2 more weeks have gone by and I still think about him so often. I miss him so much. I know i am supposed to give him space... I feel like I am losing someone very special and I did not do anything wrong and I don't understand it. I want so much for him to keep telling me how he is doing. This no contact is really so hard.
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