MyTime86

Don't do it. I'm sure your expecting some great buzz to come out of it, but it won't happen you'll feel just as bad as you did when you decided to quit. 2 years is amazing I hope I can do that one day

onthecliff

Yeah, more than fear (I think I'd make it out of tonight alive, probably) the shame is what got me to post this, I know that's gonna suck. I also did as suggested and am reading the relapse posts (which you have some good stuff in btw). This one really hit home-

"I relapsed a week or 2 ago, I can't even remember anymore.

This is not earth shattering news, but the problem with it is, you never know when you're going to get back the mental capacity to quit again. With my relapse I envisioned, 1, maybe 3 nights of drinking. It hasn't turned into that. I've continued going to meetings (and then hitting the bar afterwards), meeting with my sponsor (then drinking afterwards)....and the truth is, I have to want to be sober more than I want to drink. And when I chose to drink again weeks ago, I took that gamble on giving more weight to the desire to drink.

So, this is just a reminder that it is very hard to gather all your marbles and get in the right frame of mind again after a relapse. It really is taking a huge gamble. It's not as easy as having one night of relief and then bouncing back the next day. Your AV f*cks you, and it is very hard to want to stop drinking when you go back out."


That's a sobering b*tch right there.

So anyway, I just rented 28 days since I thought of it when replying to another post so I"m watching this as I type.

Two things I'm greatful for is that this past christmas I was around both mine and my wife's families while they were drinking up a storm, and of course my two years, which seems to have giving me enough space to not be completely insane with the alcohol in the house. I was just too worried that I would freak out at the last minute and end up in a bar and get arrested in a blackout or something so I thought this might be the lesser of the evils.
__________________

sunrise1

Thanks for your comment on my posts. Sometimes when I feel like I'm craving I go back and read those very posts- and the fact that they may have helped a single other person means the world to me.

The lesser of two evils is still evil, no?

I promise you will feel like you have conquered dragons if you wake up tomorrow without having to feel sorry you drank last night.

Mountainmanbob

I relapsed twice with two years of sobriety what a mistake

Michael66

It may be worth listening to some AA talks. There are 100s here: XA-Speakers - The lights are on!

Sorry you are struggling. I relate. I previously had the same after a year sober. It then took several years to get back on the wagon.

Take care of yourself. Remember that all things pass - these cravings will go away, without drinking.

bizzybee

Maybe take a walk or drive! Call a friend in recovery! Just don't pick up that drink! In 1996 I was in your exact situation! I drank the night I got my 2 yr chip. I didnt stop for 16 yrs! In that time I accrued 2 DUI'S, lost my kids ,my home, job, and my freedom! You never know what's going to happen when alcohol touches your lips! Please just pour it out! Please! You'll feel great in the morning!! YOUR WORTH IT!!

afloatsober

I spent 18 years literally dying to get what you are thinking about throwing away...
Think again.
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MythOfSisyphus

It's kind of weird, that feeling when you get a month, then six, then a year, then more. Maybe you feel a bit like Cal Ripken (the guy with the longest unbroken streak of starts in the history of baseball). Ripken was a great player, good in all aspects of the game, but as the years went on every time he came to the plate the only story was "The Streak". It kind of became what he was. Eventually he decided after countless games that he was going to sit out a game and bring The Streak to an end.

Well, sobriety is not like Ca's streak. He just started a new streak the next day. The first time a career drunk - like you, or me, or Dee, or anyone here- the first time we relapse we might wake up in the drunk tank at jail, the ER, or we might never make it back. There's a lot more riding on our streaks.

The only time I seriously considered chucking it all and just getting good and drunk was about six months in. My last ex-GF was very serious, and I thought we might get married someday. She's the first girl since my ex-wife 15 years ago that seriously made me think about trying marriage again. At any rate, we broke up but remained good friend. Well, eventually she met someone new and got married. I had my sobriety so I was still happy. But she called one day to tell me they were having a baby and it really hit me hard. Somehow I felt like she and I were in competition, and every time something good happened to me she would top it.

I was really close to giving in and getting plastered, "just once" but I came here. The good folks of SR were quick to diagnosis my feelings for what they were- a temper tantrum. I was doing the right things, living right, staying sober and the world dumped on me anyways. BOO-HOO ME! Well, they were right.

Not saying you're having a tantrum but it feels that way from here. Woe is me, I'm gonna drink! This isn't said out of me trying to be a d!ck but out of concern, the love and fellowship one survivor feels towards another. Sometimes we feel the world owes us for the shovel full of sh!t we have to eat sometimes but it doesn't work that way. We can't legitimately lash out for ourselves at ourselves. That can only end badly.

I would strongly consider just doing something, even if it's wrong, just don't drink. Try to figure out if you're angry, frustrated, or just bored and feeling like playing with fire. It's a dangerous game you're playing and you know it.

It's like you escaped a fiery car crash and have decided to get back in the burning car. Try to figure out why.

Good to have you at SR!

onthecliff

Thank you to everyone here, I'm really glad I found you guys (and gals). It's 2:30 here and I just poured everything out and am going to bed. There is a ton of wisdom, encouragement and hope here and it's really great.

I'm too tired to analyze what I need to do tomorrow, but one thing is that my wife (who also has 2 years) will be home and that's more than a little comforting. I know she can't keep me sober, but it helps and I'll take any help I can get right now.

Looking forward to being on SR, hopefully in better spirits.

Thanks again!

onthecliff

Thanks for the welcome!

I really think that I am better at dealing with adversity than I am at success. I definitely have more practice at the former. Maybe I'll post that as a question tomorrow or Monday. I am on the cusp of claiming the last bit of real estate that I lost to drinking (financial security) and that seems to be a trigger. I don't know, maybe it is just boredom or maybe I'm just not plugged in like I should be. But you are right that it is worth really trying to figure it out.

Happy Easter!

Dee74

Great stuff onthecliff - glad to have you aboard

D

Jeni26

Just reading this thread through underlines to me yet again just how amazing this site is.

One person reaching out for help...ending with him pouring away the drink and preserving 2 years of sobriety. This story could have ended so differently.

SR really saves lives, I truly believe it. I'm privileged to be part of this community. SR at it's very best x

seeks

I second that Jeni26

MythOfSisyphus

Man, tell me about it! Sometimes I can't help but laugh at the fact that I'm always at my best when everyone around me is at their worst. I almost seem to need stress/crises to feed me. When I decide I'd had enough of working as a chef I took a job at a bank...and I hated it! The main things I "hated" about the kitchen (the stress, fast pace environment and constant pressure) where totally lacking at my new job. There I was just a cog in a really big machine, didn't matter much if I was there or not, things still worked. I realized the thing I thought I hated were the things I needed to thrive.

I think stress gets to be rush, something we can get addicted to as surely as drugs or alcohol. Maybe it's just the subconscious desire to have the world revolve around us, to matter, that does it.

I hope that when this present crisis passes you'll stick around here at SR. SR deserves a lot of credit for helping me rack up 17 month sober. It keeps me accountable and remind me how far here is to fall. Every couple months I search for and re-read my first post here, made when I had hit my personal rock-bottom. That post reminds me of a person I never want to be again.

Michael66

Well done OnTheCliff! I'm sure you must be feeling drained, so be gentle with yourself now.

LadyBlue0527

onthecliff, I'm glad that you came here and posted. This place has made the difference for me many times. It's invaluable and you can't beat the people on here!

I hope your day is better today.

afloatsober

Onethecliff
Made my day.
Thanks
And stay around here to share how it's done. Many including me will benefit from your honesty and experience....
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HeadLump

Brilliant thread to read - so glad it's had a happy outcome. Thank you so much for posting here, OnTheCliff. You not only received much-needed support from those who shared your pain and understood, but you will also have helped far, far more people than you can possibly know

And many congratulations on your two years!!

doggonecarl

Onthecliff, glad you made it through. Thanks to those members who helped. Your story is a reminder that our sobriety is a gift, earned daily.

Karma2014

Good Morning Onthecliff. I see you poured the booze down the drain. Congrats on having the courage to do so. You took control over the urge and owned it.
Great talking to you on the phone last night. Thanks for calling and as I said, feel free to call anytime.

Have a great day!