BrendonM

My GF and I have some unresolved issues from undergrad, and she still carries them with her - basically it involves me being too friendly to people she disliked and who she felt wronged her. She also feels (rightly) there were things I wasn't supportive about at all. I won't get into the details further, but on friday I absent-mindedly wished someone she dislikes and who was not very kind to her a happy birthday on facebook out of routine and she was extremely mad. She told me I was in trouble and we weren't talking till monday (long distance so its just skype and texting now). My inebriated self took it very poorly - I did it absent mindedly, but instead of making my case I went off on her. I didn't remember what I said until I read our text messages the next day and I wanted to crawl into a hole and die right then. Personal insults on her qualities, rhetorically asking why anyone would date her and why she feels special, saying I get nothing out of our relationship because she is a bundle of old problems...

After an hour of begging and telling her that the awful things I said aren't actually what I feel, I'm just a cantankerous piece of **** when I'm drunk, she is talking to me, but our relationship is on a sort of probationary period. No bad behaviour whatsover. She is also a lot less talkative and understably less excited to see me on skype now.

I have to say nothing makes me feel like more of a worthless piece of garbage than hurting someone I love. By all rights she should have dropped me right there. I hope the damage I did is reparable - I even challenged her to dump me that night and she didn't, so I hope that means there is a part of her that will forgive me in time and knows my problems aren't her - they are my alcoholism.

I'm sure other people here have done stuff like this, feel free to come confess your shameful wrongdoings... I've always found it cathartic to let it all out for people to see.

matt4x4

Well I have heard "laymen" say that when you are drunk, you speak the truth. The opposite is the truth. Drunk we are a miserable lot, in the depths of our disease, although I must add that in the beginning it must have been fun, good times. Look when we drink, stuff happens. This is not the insanity of our disease. The insanity is to be 100% sober and drink on a lie, any lie. To know what happens when we drink, yet you sit there sober and you decide, soberly to drink. Insanity.

BrendonM

Bang on. She thinks I said it because I secretly resent her, but the truth is I was just a defensive SOB who wanted to hurt her feelings.

missboots

I'm very new to understanding my AH and mostly I've read about the partners of alcoholics so I have questions. You can only tell me from your experience but you really don't mean the awful things you said? Did you put a lot of thought into saying them? Why do you want to hurt her?

BrendonM

Honestly she made me feel defensive because deep down I know I failured her then and every time this comes up she wants to rub it in my face with no end in sight. I just want to move on after 4 years and not have it used as a trump card when shes mad at me.

I put a bit of thought into it - its shameful but I said what I thought would cut her the deepest, not because its true but I know she may have been insecure about it. It is the defensive drunken persons way of deterring criticism. Pretty pathetic, I know, but you can bet my normal self doesn't mean a word of it.

missboots

Is it something you've done often, putting her down? I know you've come here to feel some relief. If I'm offending please let me know. It seems very promising that you recognize your alcohol behavior as the.problem.

BrendonM

There have been two instances, both when I was drunk. The first one resulted in her dumping me. The fact I was stupid enough to do it again terrifies me.

I don't do it sober, we bicker, but I've never done anything like that.

CodeJob

Brendon, chances are she's Codie and addicted to you. A normal young woman would have told you to go F yourself some time ago.

Silent treatment. Bringing up past hurts. Having a list of resentments that requires your full support. Working your guilt. She sounds like a good Codie soulmate for an active A.

Are you both ACOA?

IOAA2

Hi Brendon.
"I'm just a cantankerous piece of **** when I'm drunk."
A radical thought might be: Don't drink!

"She thinks I said it because I secretly resent her, but the truth is I was just a defensive SOB who wanted to hurt her feelings."

See above response.

BE WELL

johnthemull

OP
Obviously I dont know either of you but I had the following instincts about your story;

All that dont talk to this and that person is controlling behaviour and for me would be a real turn off.
I suspect it annoys the **** out of you sub consciously and the rage surfaces when you are hammered.
If I were you I would get off the booze and then see how your relationship is looking down the line......
There is a pair of you in it as the fella says...
Good luck

BrendonM

I'm assuming codie means codependent, yes perhaps it is. Every time she comes to visit me where I live she turns into a panicky wreck every time she needs to go back to university. Its sad, someone like her being seneslessly attached to me. I guess the best I can do for her is be the person she deserves.

CodeJob

Brendon,

Yes codependent.

My H and I had a long distance relationship and I would have to be forced on the plane to go back to grad school. Thankfully my H helped me get that degree as I was willing to sacrifice it for love. Although now in retrospect he probably wanted me gone so he could drink!! We spent a terrible amount of time fighting this relationship and still wound up married. Now I see how we enacted Karpman Drama Triangles and each of us were Adult Child of a Alcoholics Laundry List poster children. We feel like soulmates bc we are broken in ways we seem to understand on some cellular level.

I had a bit of anger to discover I was messed up and did it care for the term codependent. You might want to think over this information and how it relates to your drinking behaviors, how she is reacting in your relationship, and what you can ultimately impact (you). Peace!

sugarbear1

this holds true: hurt people hurt people

enfinthechange

I've done some awful things when drunk, and my hubbie has sais some terrible hurtful things to me when hes drunk... you have to think whats best, for both of you . Now I don't drink to try and see the wood for the trees, so I can work on finding out what right.
If you stop drinking you can work out what you want, and try to do it better, sober and in charge. Good luck

BrendonM

I want to ask you, if you knew that your AH was being awful because of a problem of his own, could you find it in yourself to forgive him? Knowing it wasnt about you but him being self-destructive?

amy55

I'm, mostly on the other side of the board, the family and friends section, but to answer your question, and I was in my relationship for 25 year, now divorced. I tried everything that I could to change my ex.

If I saw actions, instead of just hearing words, if the bad behavior stopped, then yes I could forgive.

It's the actions that count, not the words saying what you will do about it. Those words are writ on water, the actions you take are etched in stone.

deeker

I am wondering about why you think it is ok for her to tell you who and who you should not wish a Happy Birthday.

love4menotu

I completely agree. You can say happy birthday to anyone you like.

amy55

I also agree with the "Happy Birthday" thing, but sometimes you need to go about it in a different way. You don't come at it feeling like a failure, and go on the defense. I think you can come at it in a way to validate her feelings, (I can understand how you can feel that way) and then state your feelings. (she is a friend of mine still, and I wished her a happy birthday).

trikuza

This has been a pretty big issue with some of my past relationships as well.

Continuously begging her to forgive you will look pitiful. You've already said sorry multiple times. Just work on improving yourself and showing some restraint in the future.

I think it's wrong that she tries to control who you talk to, unless those people are really that bad.