amy55

Brendon,

I'm going to be very blunt here and to the point, so please, take what you can and leave the rest. First, we are just hearing your side of things. I don't know what problem your gf has with this girl that you said Happy Birthday to, I don't need to know. It may be valid, it may not. I think you posted this for others opinions and views.

You have said things, like the 2 of you bicker a lot, that you want her to not keeping bringing up things that happened in the last 4 years. I don't know what you bicker about, and I don't know anything about the last 4 years. I think I might assume here that you were drinking heavily. I might be wrong.

Can you see that she might have a "trust" issue?

More and more promises are being made, and they weren't kept?

I also see the Four Horsemen at play here. Google John M. Gottman, The Four Horses of the Apocalypse.

1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling (Didn't really see this yet in your post, so don't really know

This is not a good relationship. There is no real communication. You get defensive, then you get offensive, she wants validation, you aren't giving any. She needs to prove her "rightness", because she is getting no validation for her feelings, and neither are listening to the other.

You can blame drinking on all of this, but I also do recommend, 1. you stop drinking, 2. improve your communication skills, learn to listen.

It doesn't matter what she does. That is her life. Your life is your life. Hopefully this might help a little, if not, take what you can and leave the rest.

((((((((hugs))))))))

BrendonM

I feel that way too, I don't even like the girl that much - it is just a formality. However, my girlfriend interprets it as me not being faithful to her

Is not burning bridges a form of treason?

LadyBlue0527

This answer nailed it for me. The words we speak may not be the truth but the rage beneath them is. I know that a portion of that rage is our own stuff. However, I used to always call alcohol liquid courage. It's when all the anger and resentment that I felt towards my husband (and myself, and everything else in the world) came to the surface. All the things that bothered me came out of my mouth in false words intended to hurt. The things I said were way over the line but the feelings below them were very real and fueled them. Of course I was Jekyll and Hyde. I was complacent and silent about the things that he did that bothered me until I drank. Cross the line of that 5th or 6th beer though and all bets were off.

Words of wisdom:

It's only when you become accountable for yourself and are dealing with a clear mind that you begin to see the truth. This girl has her own issues but you're failing to see that because you're spending time feeling bad about your own problem. You may be questioning why she's still sticking around with you after what you said but there's another question. Why are you sticking around someone who is getting mad at you for telling someone happy birthday because she doesn't like them? That doesn't mean that you can't like them. Sounds very high schoolish.

Oldselfagain

Brendon in reading your post this doesn't sound like the healthiest relationship tbh. You should ask yourself is it really worth the time and effort. I speak these word from experience as I married a woman that would get angry and jealous at stupid little things such as wishing another woman a happy birthday or talking to another woman at a party for "too long", etc, etc. I wound up divorcing her. I see hazard signs written all over this.

karate

I can only speak for myself , but im a pretty big horses ass sober .

When im drunk the "filter " is removed .

That does not work too good .

But you should be able to wish happy b day to whoever you want -imo

EndGameNYC

That's a very powerful insight, LB. I also don't believe that everything we say in anger or while we're drinking-- the content of our speech -- is a lie or a distortion. We don't always speak the truth when we're drinking, but by disarming our inhibitions we often say things that we'd rather keep to ourselves. That's not the same thing as either lying or saying things that we don't truly mean.

Obviously, working through such feelings in a drunken fight is very much different from working through them in a therapeutic relationship.