bigsombrero

Someone mentioned on another thread that they've been having trouble finding an adult social life since getting sober and I thought I'd vent a bit.

I'm single, so I don't have a wife or girlfriend around to hang out with. This means evenings are pretty lonely for me. I get advice like "go volunteer" or whatever, but I work a job from 7am-4pm M-F, just like everyone else in my age-range. This means my free time is after dark. What am I supposed to do here? Volunteer for the night watch at the local animal shelter? Pick up trash down by the park in the middle of the night? Heck, if someone saw me doing that in Chicago I'd be arrested on the spot...

Anyway, it's been frustrating me for a while. Going to volunteer at a soup kitchen at 10pm on a weeknight doesn't exactly sound like a realistic solution. Is that my only option? That or AA meetings? Forgive me but I'm pretty sure those activities won't have the ladies lined up around the block to get my phone number. There's got to be something more out there for us folk, right?

Of course, my current plan of "doing nothing" after dark on weekdays isn't working out too well. And it puts even more pressure on my weekend activities. I have Saturdays and Sundays - while daylight lasts - to meet new people, develop new hobbies, and find new social connections. It makes me feel quite anxious, and sometimes depressed, especially if I spend a Saturday afternoon cleaning or doing laundry. That's my only window to create a new life for myself! And I wasted it folding socks!

Just complaining I guess. And I suppose hoping for good advice. I promise to be open-minded and not grumpy....any suggestions? I am thinking about match.com or something, I dunno. Also, I was lying about the folding of socks, I obviously just throw them in the drawer and hope for the best.

Notimetoloose

What about joining some of the meetups groups, there is everything to do from white water rafting to sewing circles and many other fun and great groups and people.
http://www.meetup.com/find/

LadyinBC

I just don't wear socks .

I am at a loss of where to go to meet people too. I am not a real social person to begin with. And if I did meet someone it would be awkward bringing them to my place as I live with my daughter. I'm pretty sure the size of my son-in-law would scare them away!

I think drinking and not dealing with things when I was younger has made it very difficult for me when it comes to intimacy issues. I am just scared to get close or open up to anyone. I don't even know really where to start.

PhaseTwo

I wish I had a good answer for you, all I can say is lately I share your pain. I did meet a girl on online dating site a few months ago but that eventually fell apart. I used tinder, if you don't know its basically a stupid app where you swipe right or left on their pictures and if you both swipe right its a match. Very shallow concept.

Match.com could work for you though, I mean I have seen it work in reality it's not a myth. It's worth a try. The few suggestions I can think of are if you like sports maybe join a coed sports league, or get a cute puppy as it seems to be an instant conversation starter haha.

Sorry as I said I'm looking for an answer too, I'm only 23 people seem to think it should be easy for me. But I'm living in a new place and my weekday plan has been the same as yours unfortunately. So everyone please help bigsombrero and I out with some ideas.

30yrdrunk

A couple of ideas. Join a gym. Take a class at a nearby university.

Stay well.

1newcreation

I'm in same boat as you man! It's tuf but don't worry & focus only on your recovery. It will happen w/ time. What bout local church?

WhiteFeathers

Last night I spent my Saturday night at Starbuck's doing a little computer work. I would have been pretty thrilled if a sweet guy started a friendly conversation with me.

Also, I think if I were dating and a guy I just met offered to take me on a date to see the philharmonic or to a play or to a book reading, I would be really impressed. Don't you have all that great comedy and improv in Chicago? Have you ever thought about signing up for Second City? I have a friend in Chicago who just started doing it and it's changed her life. I'm not sure if that's your kind of thing, but it sounds like fun.

doggonecarl

If you can't find something to do at night, in Chicago, look deep within. Maybe you don't want to be as social as you say, or aren't comfortable about leaving your comfort zone.

LBrain

yo bigS,
I could offer suggestions but I don't know enough about you. I do know you just can't stay inside until August when it finally warms up out there.

GotGrace

How about taking a class? Like cooking, acting, group guitar, yoga (yoga! Where I do yoga it's about 90% women!), something that is sure to draw both men and women. You don't want to take a female-oriented class like crochet and seem creepy (ok, no flaming! Maybe some men love to crochet....just an example). Good luck, Big Sombrero! let us know what you decide to do!

RevivingOphelia

As Notimetolose mentioned, Meetups!! You are in Chicago--there must be a LOAD of awesome Meetups that suit some of your interests!

Dating sites? (just to get out with someone for coffee even and make friends!)

EndGameNYC

I appreciate your honest thoughts.

I think a lot of guys should bear your comments in mind whenever they talk themselves out of approaching a woman they're interested in. Fear again stakes its claim in hundreds of missed opportunities.

Dalia

Take dance classes - try different styles - ballroom, swing, Latin, etc. and then go to the socials. It is a great weeknight after work activity and a great way to meet people. Lots of singles there too.

GreenColor

I'm in dupage county Sombrero. I understand. When I was drinking I lost most of my friends and sat home drinking and watching stupid youtube videos. You might want to try OkCupid. Almost everybody I met on there was located in Chicago, but I found a friend that was near enough to me. There is also a setting where you can switch it to indicate that you never drink.

Aellyce

Hi BigS - maybe try to take your goal of meeting new people (even if they are women) less as a dating type exercise and more an unbiased, open-ended journey of simply meeting new friends or perhaps practicing your social skills sober? You can meet people anywhere they are almost, I think. Some good suggestions above. I also usually meet others through my interests - for me work provide endless opportunities and I think its best to actively investigate other, more personally driven possibilities.

I think this is a bit like recovery in that it's best to take the initiative rather than waiting for magic to happen randomly (also for women, I think, we are not in the middle ages!). That way you also have a higher probability to select your encounters rather than just taking whoever comes your way.

Again, why not just simply go around with an open mind and without specific agenda that you are looking for a dating partner at first?

Also, I think that fear (of approaching interesting people, driven by fear of rejection, that's what it is I guess) is better dropped... I think if we can go to others with an open mind and without much expectation, being polite and thoughtful, it's unlikely to turn out badly whatever happens. Worst case scenario we have a brief chat and move on.

LBrain

what haennie says could not be more true. thanks haennie.

I have made friends just being around something I enjoy doing.

As for the opposite sex endeavor...
Usually you find someone when you're not looking for them.

DancingDiva

I suggest focusing on making a full life for yourself that doesn't require a significant other. Romantic relationships come and go, and should enhance the great life you already have.

When I first moved to where I live now, I didn't know a soul. I immediately adopted a "say yes" philosophy. Every time anybody asked me to do anything with them I said "yes." Help you move? Yes! You need an extra person for a softball team? I suck at softball, but yes! It took time, but eventually worked wonders for building my social life.

I second meetup dot com as well. I belong to a hiking meetup, a music meetup, a flag football meetup, and a theater meetup. There's always something going on with at least one of those groups, and not just on the subject matter. My hiking meetup is going to a baseball game this weekend, lol!

Good luck!

LadyinBC

This is funny but my daughter was asking me today when I might start dating.

Compass1

I found this thread interesting because I am going through something similar. I am still in early sobriety (75 days) and I wonder how I will date again. Its not so much the actual meeting someone - dating websites are great for that. Its more in feeling comfortable, having those "first moments" that makes me nervous. Romantic things seem a bit... cheesy and awkward to me when I'm stone cold sober. Maybe I'm weird. Is your problem more along those lines or in actually physically meeting someone? If thats the case, hell, get yourself on a dating website. You can search out women who don't even drink.

quest7

Man, I'm in the same boat. I was just thinking about this. When I was drinking I was always around lots of women. Now being more careful about who I date(women that do not drink), things are a little more difficult.