Dee74

My thoughts are with you Hawkeye.

D

RobbyRobot

How ironic, eh?! Here YOUR courage is obvious too, Cow. Your anhedonia is deeper then is angst, which just makes your efforts in recovery all the more bright and remarkable

SoberLeigh

Yes, and we all know our Cow IS bright and remarkable.

Cow

Just kidding, you right, I total remarkable.

Olive1

Can I ask you a question, Cow?



What the heck is going on with Luke?!?

Elseware

Cow, I lost my Daddy when I was three years old. I remember him only in flashes. But I do remember he loved me with a love I've never found again. My mother married again several times but they were always "step fathers", who would have been happy if I fell of the side of the earth. They were jealous that my mom had been married before, I guess.

You never get over the loss of a beloved parent. It leaves such an empty space. Does not matter how old you are. My Mom is gone now, too. She died young, also, and I do feel like an orphan sometimes.

freethinking

Well, am I the only one who finds this interesting? I am one of those weirdos who, with drinks, LOVES social situations. Sometimes even without drinks, I just love talking to adults (since all I do is wipe ass and feed youngins all day). But wow, I am sincerely always impressed when any friend of mine engages in anything physical. I hesitate to say this, but your "outside" life sounds normal, and then some. And the historical society too? Wow! Most I contribute to society is some lame cupcakes for a PTA bakesale.

Hawkeye13

So FT, if your husband has the corner office, why not get some help in a few days a week and find some adults in a non-drinking situation to spend some time with?

You really sound like you resent being a stay-at-home mom, so do something to change that. That might reduce your triggers to drink and make your home a happier place for the rest of your family and yourself.

dSober

Perfect description of first 4 phases Cow. I'm trying to make Phase 5: Wow! Back to the real world but I'm stronger, wiser and better than ever!

Cow

FT, Um, I as no idea if my 'outside world' normal, cuz I has no idea what normal is. I know I acting, lying, manipulating, or is total check out 95% of time I outside my front door. Even if just is passing interaction with neighbor. Is this normal? I probable like sport cuz it take me out my head for a time. I use to LOVE club and socializing when the sh*t was still working for me. Hell ya. Every bartender in town had double double on rocks, (rocks in separate glass) waiting for me before I even got to bar. I would chat, flirt and dance the nights, weeks, years away. Of course, I was total oblivion at time so was not really me. (If there is such a thing.)

I agrees with Hawk that you sound box in and resentful of you situation. Maybe you regret hasing kids? I know you not suppose to ever admits such thing, but I think is probable common and perfect natural. I thank gods I never has them. I would has go off my edge for sure. Hawk give good advices to maybe get relief.

Elsewares, yeah, I still want my momma.

dSober, welcomes and lot of us is try to make Phase 5.

toddle118

i agree cow, the thought of having kids is terrifying, although i stuggled for years before cancer got me and had to have womb removed maybe was a blessing in disguise, but losing a parent, no, i couldnt handle that, that would be edge tipping for me, youre stronger than you think cow. In fact a lot of ppl on here are strong, sad we're painted as losers for being alcoholics

Cow

... ... Oh, I a total loser for being alcoholic, Toddles. TOTAL. I could list hundred, thousand, million of thing I lost. Reason I throw rock (with love and light) at friends above when they start talk that Cow is courageous or remarkable is because, I really really not like euphemism. I really rebel against pink color glasses for the addict. Let get real: Addiction is ugly, nasty, vile business of loss and failure and lies and damage and miss opportunity and puke and pain and years and decades of infinite lives that could has been live. Yes, I still has good and valuable qualities. I has been strong enough to survive untenable sufferings. But I no champion. I not remarkable. Unfortunately my story all too common, very pedestrian. I very glad we here together, trying to overcome and make way to better life for our selfs. But is not that big of deal. Is nothing at all in scope of universe or earth or humanity. But, is our story, in our tiny corner of existence, is our dragon to fight, yes?

toddle118

but we're still human, i agree its terrible to be an addict, and a lot of us have ruined our lives in some way or another, its selfish and destructive but we still deserve some kindness, surely

RobbyRobot

Not so fast, Cow.

You are a remarkable and courageous woman nonetheless, and I for one will not sign on to you being a loser or whatever simply because you have addiction struggles.

Misery loves company, I've been there too. Its not how many times we fall or fail, its how many times we still get up and start again.

So there, lol.

dSober

You sound like you got the humility part of recovery figured out pretty well cow.

RobbyRobot

Well, I think Cow has the humility part all messed up, speaking for myself.

dSober

How so Robby?

Cow

Toddles, et. al., please not misunderstands me. I has total empathies for the addict. Of course, we deserve kindnesses, like everybody else. But is what it is. When I say, "we losers," I mean WE LOST LOT OF STUFF. BIG STUFF! I just a realist, you know. Like one thing I not can stand about AA was how it so rah rah, clap clap, no judgements, ever! OMG! You been sober 1 day, here is wreath and gold doubloon! Frankly, I NEED judgements! I need to be call out, and challenge by my tribe, and yes, sometime maybe even need little diva bitch slap. (open hand, of course!) At end of day, our life not that big of deal. Nobody life that big of deal. But here we is, in our little blip of time, fighting our little fight. If we lose, in 100 year, who care. Not matter. Is only matter to us. This not meant to be cold or insulting. To Cow, is just reality. And that okay for me.

dSober

"Dust In The Wind"

I close my eyes only for a moment, and the moment's gone
All my dreams pass before my eyes, a curiosity

Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind

Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see

Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind

Now, don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away, and all your money won't another minute buy

Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind (all we are is dust in the wind)
Dust in the wind (everything is dust in the wind), everything is dust in the wind (the wind)

RobbyRobot

Spoken like an authentic existentialist