What happens when you blackout?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Pompano Beach, Florida
Posts: 2
What happens when you blackout?
I am in the process of getting sober (aren't we all). I have quit off and on for several years. I had two weeks recently and relapsed. It is what happened when I relapsed that I need help in understanding. I got drunk. Drunk to the point where I remember very little of what happened the next day. For those of you that know what I mean, I blacked out. I was on 'autopilot'. I crossed the line when alcohol alters the concious mind to the unconcious. I don't understand alcoholism and the human mind enough to know what takes over when you cross that line. But I know that I have crossed it one to many times.
What happened when I crossed that line recently is that I said some things to my girlfriend, the woman I love more than anyone else I've ever met. I said things that were deliberately mean and cruel. Things that I could NEVER say in my 'normal', sober state of mind. Obviously as an alcoholic this is not the first time I have been in this state. Where I have done things that I didn't mean and that ashamed and embarassed me. But because my relationship with my girlfriend is at stake, and she has been damaged beyond what I could ever have imagined; I must ask this question.
I ask of you, to be blatantly honest when you respond to this post; this question. When you drink to the point when you blackout. When you can't remember a conversation that happened the night before. Are the things you say what you deep down really mean? Is it your subconcious coming out of It's shell? It's commonly known that alcohol lowers your inhibitions. And often people say or do things that they normally would not do if not intoxicated. I have tried to tell my girlfriend that what came out of me that night was not 'me'. What is the force that takes over at that time I do not know. I hope that it is not the real 'me' that could do those things, and I live in shadow of what I have done.
But I do not want to rely on excuses to explain what I did. I truly want to know what takes over when you are in that state. Is it what you really want to say? Is it your true feelings and emotions coming out? My girlfriend is convinced that that is the case. I have been trying to explain to her that it is not the real 'me' that would do those things. So what I want to know is honestly what do you think?
I want to know from people that have had or are having the same problems or experiences that I am. If what I said was what I truly wanted to say and couldn't say while sober I want to know. But if what I said was not about hurting her but me crying out in pain then I want her to know that as well. Regardless of the answer I hurt her, the woman I love. But what does depend on the answer is whether I MEANT to hurt her. Or that what I did was a desperate outburst. One that I will regret for the rest of my life. I need to know and I want the honest truth from everone here on this board.
Brad
What happened when I crossed that line recently is that I said some things to my girlfriend, the woman I love more than anyone else I've ever met. I said things that were deliberately mean and cruel. Things that I could NEVER say in my 'normal', sober state of mind. Obviously as an alcoholic this is not the first time I have been in this state. Where I have done things that I didn't mean and that ashamed and embarassed me. But because my relationship with my girlfriend is at stake, and she has been damaged beyond what I could ever have imagined; I must ask this question.
I ask of you, to be blatantly honest when you respond to this post; this question. When you drink to the point when you blackout. When you can't remember a conversation that happened the night before. Are the things you say what you deep down really mean? Is it your subconcious coming out of It's shell? It's commonly known that alcohol lowers your inhibitions. And often people say or do things that they normally would not do if not intoxicated. I have tried to tell my girlfriend that what came out of me that night was not 'me'. What is the force that takes over at that time I do not know. I hope that it is not the real 'me' that could do those things, and I live in shadow of what I have done.
But I do not want to rely on excuses to explain what I did. I truly want to know what takes over when you are in that state. Is it what you really want to say? Is it your true feelings and emotions coming out? My girlfriend is convinced that that is the case. I have been trying to explain to her that it is not the real 'me' that would do those things. So what I want to know is honestly what do you think?
I want to know from people that have had or are having the same problems or experiences that I am. If what I said was what I truly wanted to say and couldn't say while sober I want to know. But if what I said was not about hurting her but me crying out in pain then I want her to know that as well. Regardless of the answer I hurt her, the woman I love. But what does depend on the answer is whether I MEANT to hurt her. Or that what I did was a desperate outburst. One that I will regret for the rest of my life. I need to know and I want the honest truth from everone here on this board.
Brad
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: my cloud called sobriety
Posts: 26
Brad,
I am the black out queen. I had my first one a few weeks into my drinking and continued to have them for the following five years until I finally decided that just because I could wake up on time for my job, I probably had a problem.
I have heard it argued that drinking can be good for relationships, because it allows people to express how they really feel. That's the poorest excuse for drinking I've ever heard, simply because the opposite is true.
When we drink, we usually lose touch with how we really feel, right?
Moreover, we refuse to listen to reason. I'm guessing that I"m not the only one that has been a part of or listened to those conversations (usually about something agonizing like religion or politics) where each drunk takes a position and refuses to accept anything contrary to their own viewpoint, no matter how evident it is that they might possibly be wrong. The ability to rationalize or think clearly about our opinion, ideas, feelings is impaired, or, often in my own experience, gone. People often refer to becoming "numb" when drinking and getting addicted to that pychological effect. I don't think it taps into deep and meaningful emotions that we didn't know we had, or at least not in my case. In my case, it takes deep, meaningful emotions and twists them in so many ways that they become contorted and complete unrecognizable.
Now that I've been in recovery for awhile (about a month, with one relapse, which, you guessed it, ended up with me in a black out and waking up in a subway stairwell) I'm trying to figure out just who it was that did all of those things I did. I did some really icky things, subway snoozing being the least of them. Do I have some secret desire to sleep on concrete? No, I don't.
I acted in ways that are completely opposite of what I think, feel, or mean. Sometimes people would tell me that I was just like I usually am, only really wobbly. Sometimes. Other times, I would end up sobbing hysterically because someone said something that irked me.
Maybe the night in reference your girlfriend set off a trigger to some kind of resentment, probably minor, and your drunk mind took it upon itself to fight for its righteous self at any cost. Maybe because you've been in recovery, you were defending the fact you were drinking. I don't know. But, if your girlfriend says you said things that you know you didn't mean, then I think you, anyway, should trust that you didn't mean them. Hopefully you can make her believe it, too.
The above is only opinion....(I feel obliged to use the disclaimer that I am in early recovery and have been encouraged by my sponser to remember that I'm often wrong these days).
Good luck.
Rach
I am the black out queen. I had my first one a few weeks into my drinking and continued to have them for the following five years until I finally decided that just because I could wake up on time for my job, I probably had a problem.
I have heard it argued that drinking can be good for relationships, because it allows people to express how they really feel. That's the poorest excuse for drinking I've ever heard, simply because the opposite is true.
When we drink, we usually lose touch with how we really feel, right?
Moreover, we refuse to listen to reason. I'm guessing that I"m not the only one that has been a part of or listened to those conversations (usually about something agonizing like religion or politics) where each drunk takes a position and refuses to accept anything contrary to their own viewpoint, no matter how evident it is that they might possibly be wrong. The ability to rationalize or think clearly about our opinion, ideas, feelings is impaired, or, often in my own experience, gone. People often refer to becoming "numb" when drinking and getting addicted to that pychological effect. I don't think it taps into deep and meaningful emotions that we didn't know we had, or at least not in my case. In my case, it takes deep, meaningful emotions and twists them in so many ways that they become contorted and complete unrecognizable.
Now that I've been in recovery for awhile (about a month, with one relapse, which, you guessed it, ended up with me in a black out and waking up in a subway stairwell) I'm trying to figure out just who it was that did all of those things I did. I did some really icky things, subway snoozing being the least of them. Do I have some secret desire to sleep on concrete? No, I don't.
I acted in ways that are completely opposite of what I think, feel, or mean. Sometimes people would tell me that I was just like I usually am, only really wobbly. Sometimes. Other times, I would end up sobbing hysterically because someone said something that irked me.
Maybe the night in reference your girlfriend set off a trigger to some kind of resentment, probably minor, and your drunk mind took it upon itself to fight for its righteous self at any cost. Maybe because you've been in recovery, you were defending the fact you were drinking. I don't know. But, if your girlfriend says you said things that you know you didn't mean, then I think you, anyway, should trust that you didn't mean them. Hopefully you can make her believe it, too.
The above is only opinion....(I feel obliged to use the disclaimer that I am in early recovery and have been encouraged by my sponser to remember that I'm often wrong these days).
Good luck.
Rach
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Riverside, Ca.
Posts: 388
Brad
I'm an alcoholic, I used to black out a lot too, I would come too someplace, and either not remember what happened during the blackout, or only remember foggy bits and pieces like it was a dream.
sometimes someone would trell me about the crazy crap I did during my blackout, or I would get the police report and read about it.
living sober now, when I look back at the things I had said and done while drinking, it almost seems like another person, my wife thought the same thing as your girlfriend (that my true feelings were showing) That is not true in my case, I really loved my wife and kids, but would say and do the cruelest things while drinking, being an alcoholic the alcohol would warp my mind.
I'm an alcoholic, I used to black out a lot too, I would come too someplace, and either not remember what happened during the blackout, or only remember foggy bits and pieces like it was a dream.
sometimes someone would trell me about the crazy crap I did during my blackout, or I would get the police report and read about it.
living sober now, when I look back at the things I had said and done while drinking, it almost seems like another person, my wife thought the same thing as your girlfriend (that my true feelings were showing) That is not true in my case, I really loved my wife and kids, but would say and do the cruelest things while drinking, being an alcoholic the alcohol would warp my mind.
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Welcome to the forum fivefingercrawl.
I hear your desperaton and pain and I sense your urgency.
I can identify with what you are going through because I too have been the perpetrator of saying the vilest things to people I love while under the influence.
Why did I do it ?
Did I mean the things I said ?
I did it because first of all I was an alcoholic and I drank to hide my pain.Many alcoholics suffer with unresolved issues of anger and fear and drinking very often compounds these emotions.
I went into relationships carrying a lot of baggage and an inability to properly express myself or ask for what I needed from the relationship.I had problems with trust and I also secretly had control issues so obviously adding alcohol to this toxic mix was often a recipe for disaster.
Frustration builds up in relationships and tension rises when there is no honesty and people do not propery communicate with each other........and I do not mean talk....I mean communicate.How do I feel? What do I really want? What am I afraid of ?
Your girlfriend may have a point about true feelings and emotions.
My own behaviour was not so much about alcohol or about blackouts.My behavior was more about unresolved issues and a question of why I needed to drink myself to the point of oblivion anyway.
Did I mean the things I said ? I reply to this question with a resounding "OF COURSE NOT."
Whether I said the things I did during a blackout or because I was so drunk I did'nt give a flying f*** about anyone the point is I did it because I was hurting inside and when I am in pain I tend to lash out at the people I love.
I will not make excuses for mself or hide behind the fact that I was drunk when I did what I did.
All the petty resentments, jealousies and inhibitions I had about my relationship with my girlfriend would still be there even if I WAS DRINKING OR NOT.
The last person in the world I wanted to hurt was my girlfriend.I loved her with an intensity that consumed my soul and I have pushed myself to the point of suicide when I remember the pain I caused her but the fact is ,resoloution can only come when I start to look at the real reasons for my behaviour , talking about them and doing something about changing them.
It is not enough to just say I am sorry........I have to change.
I cannot take back some of the things I did and I have to accept that there are going to be consequencs to my actions.
My girlfriend is going to make a choice.She will choose if the issues in her man's life is something she wants to spend her time with.
Sometimes we have to lose the thing we love the most in order to start asking for help.
I hope there is a happy outcome to your problem.
I hear your desperaton and pain and I sense your urgency.
I can identify with what you are going through because I too have been the perpetrator of saying the vilest things to people I love while under the influence.
Why did I do it ?
Did I mean the things I said ?
I did it because first of all I was an alcoholic and I drank to hide my pain.Many alcoholics suffer with unresolved issues of anger and fear and drinking very often compounds these emotions.
I went into relationships carrying a lot of baggage and an inability to properly express myself or ask for what I needed from the relationship.I had problems with trust and I also secretly had control issues so obviously adding alcohol to this toxic mix was often a recipe for disaster.
Frustration builds up in relationships and tension rises when there is no honesty and people do not propery communicate with each other........and I do not mean talk....I mean communicate.How do I feel? What do I really want? What am I afraid of ?
Your girlfriend may have a point about true feelings and emotions.
My own behaviour was not so much about alcohol or about blackouts.My behavior was more about unresolved issues and a question of why I needed to drink myself to the point of oblivion anyway.
Did I mean the things I said ? I reply to this question with a resounding "OF COURSE NOT."
Whether I said the things I did during a blackout or because I was so drunk I did'nt give a flying f*** about anyone the point is I did it because I was hurting inside and when I am in pain I tend to lash out at the people I love.
I will not make excuses for mself or hide behind the fact that I was drunk when I did what I did.
All the petty resentments, jealousies and inhibitions I had about my relationship with my girlfriend would still be there even if I WAS DRINKING OR NOT.
The last person in the world I wanted to hurt was my girlfriend.I loved her with an intensity that consumed my soul and I have pushed myself to the point of suicide when I remember the pain I caused her but the fact is ,resoloution can only come when I start to look at the real reasons for my behaviour , talking about them and doing something about changing them.
It is not enough to just say I am sorry........I have to change.
I cannot take back some of the things I did and I have to accept that there are going to be consequencs to my actions.
My girlfriend is going to make a choice.She will choose if the issues in her man's life is something she wants to spend her time with.
Sometimes we have to lose the thing we love the most in order to start asking for help.
I hope there is a happy outcome to your problem.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: California
Posts: 233
Brad it sounds like you are very close to saying 'well honey, I was in a blackout so I'm really not responsible for what I said.' Alcohol does lower the inhibitions and allows us to say and do things that we normally would not do. Some of those things are good and fun for people who can handle alcohol but for alcoholics those things can become downright anti-social and even criminal.
If you drive drunk and kill someone in a blackout, are you responsible? If you shout at your kids and really hurt their feelings during a blackout, are you responsible? Does that mean you meant to kill someone or that you hate your kids? No of course not, but you did do and say the things that caused the harm. We, alcoholics, are an unlovely bunch when we are drunk.
My ex-girlfriend and I had some very tender moments, I thought we were getting serious and then she wanted out of the relationship. That is where it stands as of now. And we are both sober. Does she love me? She says so but we are not together. But if she loves me she would want to be with me right? Not necessarily. I have character defects and so does she. I am coming to believe that you can love someone and hate them at the same time. Do you understand what I'm saying???? Who knows you better? Who knows your faults and good qualities? She does, and you know hers. Sure you love her but you probably have issues with some of the things she does and the alcohol has brought that out. Unfortunately, those things should probably have not been said because they are hurtful. Issues should be discussed but not under the influence of alcohl. Alcohol distorts everything.
This will probably not happen again if you stay sober. Well.........it is less likely to happen while you are sober. So was it the real you who said all those nasty things???? You bet it was you. Does that mean you are wrong to be with her or her with you? Not necessarily, your an alcoholic and that fact alone will sour any relationship. Sober up first and then see where you stand.
If you drive drunk and kill someone in a blackout, are you responsible? If you shout at your kids and really hurt their feelings during a blackout, are you responsible? Does that mean you meant to kill someone or that you hate your kids? No of course not, but you did do and say the things that caused the harm. We, alcoholics, are an unlovely bunch when we are drunk.
My ex-girlfriend and I had some very tender moments, I thought we were getting serious and then she wanted out of the relationship. That is where it stands as of now. And we are both sober. Does she love me? She says so but we are not together. But if she loves me she would want to be with me right? Not necessarily. I have character defects and so does she. I am coming to believe that you can love someone and hate them at the same time. Do you understand what I'm saying???? Who knows you better? Who knows your faults and good qualities? She does, and you know hers. Sure you love her but you probably have issues with some of the things she does and the alcohol has brought that out. Unfortunately, those things should probably have not been said because they are hurtful. Issues should be discussed but not under the influence of alcohl. Alcohol distorts everything.
This will probably not happen again if you stay sober. Well.........it is less likely to happen while you are sober. So was it the real you who said all those nasty things???? You bet it was you. Does that mean you are wrong to be with her or her with you? Not necessarily, your an alcoholic and that fact alone will sour any relationship. Sober up first and then see where you stand.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Buffalo,NY
Posts: 42
I agree with all that was said so far. My blackouts usually involved having discussions with my wife that I could not remember and me taking a position that I look back on and can't understand why I did it. Alcohol, in my opinion is not revelaing too much of the inner self and feelings cause it is preventing any serious coherent thought. Drinking helps us to touch only the surface of our emotions and it is usually over blown, above all, alcohol is trying to preserve its hold on us by keeping us drinking.... True self introspection and deep feelings come only in sobriety...(my experience so far)
Now that I don't drink, I don't have blackouts and I remember discussions and decisions made with my wife and son...No longer ashamed or afraid to wake up and wonder what happenend...
Mike
Now that I don't drink, I don't have blackouts and I remember discussions and decisions made with my wife and son...No longer ashamed or afraid to wake up and wonder what happenend...
Mike
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Pompano Beach, Florida
Posts: 2
In response to ninerfan and others...
First, thank you all for your replies, insights, and advice.
Why is it so important to me to draw a distinction between if I truly 'meant' to do what I did? It is important in this case is for a couple of reasons. First, using a legal case as an example, there is indeed a difference between doing something completely 'sober' and calculating, as opposesd to doing in the heat of passion lets say. It's such a big difference that it would mean the difference between between life and death, as in the death penalty. You can be guilty of murder but there are varying degrees of murder. The justice system see's that there are many times mitigating circumstances in the commission of the same crime.
Please everybody understand that I do not seek complete absolution for hurting my girlfriend. No matter what the circumstances were I hurt her, period. I, me, and whatever part of me hurt her. It is something I will have to live with and it hurts me too believe me. But if my girlfriend interprets what I did as how I TRULY feel, and that it was my true self uttering those things, it may mean the end of out relationship. Right now she is struggling with that question, and in my own way I am struggling to find answers too.
You see, she has recently come out of a 12yr marraige full of mental/verbal abuse. And he didn't need alcohol to terrorize her, he did it always sober. When she finally got out she vowed to never again be with someone like that. For the six months we've been together I have been the exact opposite of her ex-husband. There have been times off and on during that six months where I was drinking but nothing 'bad' happened, even if I blacked out. In hindsight, of course because I continued to drink and put myself in that position it was like playing russian roulette. Eventually my 'luck' ran out, my dark side emerged, and I lashed out at her in a blacked out rage.
So, again to the distinction. If she comes to the conclusion that what happened one night drunk is 'me', then she will most likely run like hell fearing I am secretly like her ex-husband. If she concludes that I was not thinking clearly, I was angry, or blowing something I was mad at her at into a HUGE thing. Then I think she would see the six months we've been together as a better indicator of my true self. So will she believe that and give me another chance? I don't know, and maybe she doesn't know yet either.
The reason I'm posting about this is because I really want to know for myself too. If I really want to be a hurtful, nasty, and cruel person who is hiding behind a 'nice guy' persona. I'd like to believe that not to be true but I wanted to see what people who have had similar blackout related experiences thought on the subject. I asked you to pull no punches because I want the truth as you see it.
To those who have said just forget about it and get treatment, get sober so it doesn't happen anymore, I agree. I am not secretly hoping that you will all say 'no you didn't mean it, your fine' so I can go back to drinking without guilt. That I can keep getting drunk and behave like an animal, but It's okay because I didn't mean to do it, I'm really a good person. This is about saving a relationship with a woman that I deeply love. She is the first girl I've even considered wanting to be with long term and I'm 30yrs old.
Regardless of this I KNOW I am an alcoholic that need treatment, thru AA or other resorces. But I don't know if me being sober from here on out and it never happening again is enough. I can't just forget about it because my relationship is in the balance because of this ONE incident. I am absolutely sure of that, and that is why I am analyzing this to the degree that I have. I hope this makes it more clear what I am getting at, and what she is going through in her mind. Am I guilty of First degree murder or manslaughter? What she concludes will decide if we can move on or 'move out'. That is why I am trying to understand 'what happens when you blackout'. Thanks again.
Brad
Why is it so important to me to draw a distinction between if I truly 'meant' to do what I did? It is important in this case is for a couple of reasons. First, using a legal case as an example, there is indeed a difference between doing something completely 'sober' and calculating, as opposesd to doing in the heat of passion lets say. It's such a big difference that it would mean the difference between between life and death, as in the death penalty. You can be guilty of murder but there are varying degrees of murder. The justice system see's that there are many times mitigating circumstances in the commission of the same crime.
Please everybody understand that I do not seek complete absolution for hurting my girlfriend. No matter what the circumstances were I hurt her, period. I, me, and whatever part of me hurt her. It is something I will have to live with and it hurts me too believe me. But if my girlfriend interprets what I did as how I TRULY feel, and that it was my true self uttering those things, it may mean the end of out relationship. Right now she is struggling with that question, and in my own way I am struggling to find answers too.
You see, she has recently come out of a 12yr marraige full of mental/verbal abuse. And he didn't need alcohol to terrorize her, he did it always sober. When she finally got out she vowed to never again be with someone like that. For the six months we've been together I have been the exact opposite of her ex-husband. There have been times off and on during that six months where I was drinking but nothing 'bad' happened, even if I blacked out. In hindsight, of course because I continued to drink and put myself in that position it was like playing russian roulette. Eventually my 'luck' ran out, my dark side emerged, and I lashed out at her in a blacked out rage.
So, again to the distinction. If she comes to the conclusion that what happened one night drunk is 'me', then she will most likely run like hell fearing I am secretly like her ex-husband. If she concludes that I was not thinking clearly, I was angry, or blowing something I was mad at her at into a HUGE thing. Then I think she would see the six months we've been together as a better indicator of my true self. So will she believe that and give me another chance? I don't know, and maybe she doesn't know yet either.
The reason I'm posting about this is because I really want to know for myself too. If I really want to be a hurtful, nasty, and cruel person who is hiding behind a 'nice guy' persona. I'd like to believe that not to be true but I wanted to see what people who have had similar blackout related experiences thought on the subject. I asked you to pull no punches because I want the truth as you see it.
To those who have said just forget about it and get treatment, get sober so it doesn't happen anymore, I agree. I am not secretly hoping that you will all say 'no you didn't mean it, your fine' so I can go back to drinking without guilt. That I can keep getting drunk and behave like an animal, but It's okay because I didn't mean to do it, I'm really a good person. This is about saving a relationship with a woman that I deeply love. She is the first girl I've even considered wanting to be with long term and I'm 30yrs old.
Regardless of this I KNOW I am an alcoholic that need treatment, thru AA or other resorces. But I don't know if me being sober from here on out and it never happening again is enough. I can't just forget about it because my relationship is in the balance because of this ONE incident. I am absolutely sure of that, and that is why I am analyzing this to the degree that I have. I hope this makes it more clear what I am getting at, and what she is going through in her mind. Am I guilty of First degree murder or manslaughter? What she concludes will decide if we can move on or 'move out'. That is why I am trying to understand 'what happens when you blackout'. Thanks again.
Brad
Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: California
Posts: 233
Brad you should probably go to couples counseling. That is the place where you can both air out your feelings about what happened and how you feel about each other. You can also chart a course for the future.
I haven't had the experience that you have had, I think. I have had blackouts but I dont remember bitching someone out. As I said earlier, alcoholics in general are very unlovely people when drunk. The best thing you can do for her, you and us is to get and stay sober. You cant possibly have another blackout and say disgusting things if you dont take the first drink. Good luck
I haven't had the experience that you have had, I think. I have had blackouts but I dont remember bitching someone out. As I said earlier, alcoholics in general are very unlovely people when drunk. The best thing you can do for her, you and us is to get and stay sober. You cant possibly have another blackout and say disgusting things if you dont take the first drink. Good luck
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
I have no doubt in my mind how truly sorry you are but sometimes all we can do is make our amends and leave the rest to our Higher Power.
One thing I will say is that I know I hurt people, but I too have been hurt and my first reaction when someone hurts me is to run away.
I do not believe I can realistically expect that no one will ever hurt me.In order to protect myself I would have to build a wall of isolation and lonliness around me and I dont think I want that either.
I prefer to take my chances in life.
Tell your girlfriend you love her and you will change. Listen to her when she speaks and don't debate.Go to an AA meeting.Get counselling.Show her you care by your willingness to change.
One thing I will say is that I know I hurt people, but I too have been hurt and my first reaction when someone hurts me is to run away.
I do not believe I can realistically expect that no one will ever hurt me.In order to protect myself I would have to build a wall of isolation and lonliness around me and I dont think I want that either.
I prefer to take my chances in life.
Tell your girlfriend you love her and you will change. Listen to her when she speaks and don't debate.Go to an AA meeting.Get counselling.Show her you care by your willingness to change.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: wilkes barre pa
Posts: 12
Brad, I was interested in the same thing and posted about it before I read yours. I completely understand the need to understand it yourself. I drank and was caught fooling around with someone's husband. I was at the party with a friend so I could meet her love interest for the first time. It was his friend that I ended up with.
I don't even recall thinking I even wanted to fool around with anyone that night none-the-less with a married man. He suggested things & I went along with them. My personality is to make people happy. I love that and always have since I was a kid. I'm thinking in a way, that is what came out - the desire to please him. I didn't think of how I would hurt his wife or my friend or her friend or the 30 other people there. Never even crossed my mind! How could that happen? In a way, I am completely awed by the evil power alcohol has. That wasn't me and I wouldn't believe it in a million years if I hadn't experienced it. Fortunately I don't remeber a lot of it but I do know that i did it and that is incomprehensible to me. Was it some deep seated desire? I hope not. I don't believe I'm an alcoholic but apparently I was a binge drinker. I have been out several times since the incident and have stopped at one drink. I read that 3 is acceptable for a female to be considered social drinking. Personally, I know I can feel the effects after 2 so I will stop there from now on. I realize the important thing is to prevent it from ever happening again but it really is troubling to wonder where inside me it came from.
I don't even recall thinking I even wanted to fool around with anyone that night none-the-less with a married man. He suggested things & I went along with them. My personality is to make people happy. I love that and always have since I was a kid. I'm thinking in a way, that is what came out - the desire to please him. I didn't think of how I would hurt his wife or my friend or her friend or the 30 other people there. Never even crossed my mind! How could that happen? In a way, I am completely awed by the evil power alcohol has. That wasn't me and I wouldn't believe it in a million years if I hadn't experienced it. Fortunately I don't remeber a lot of it but I do know that i did it and that is incomprehensible to me. Was it some deep seated desire? I hope not. I don't believe I'm an alcoholic but apparently I was a binge drinker. I have been out several times since the incident and have stopped at one drink. I read that 3 is acceptable for a female to be considered social drinking. Personally, I know I can feel the effects after 2 so I will stop there from now on. I realize the important thing is to prevent it from ever happening again but it really is troubling to wonder where inside me it came from.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: WS, CO
Posts: 42
Cathy, being that drunk is chemically induced insanity. A couple times I did things in blackout that I would *never* have done in sober. My actions were not from deep-seated desire but just plain out-of-my-mind drunk.
Tracy
Tracy
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by Cathy123
I realize the important thing is to prevent it from ever happening again but it really is troubling to wonder where inside me it came from.
Not saying you can't do it because maybe you can stop at one every time.
Thing is though Alcohol has a way of slowly creeping up on us. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.
Just one and stop. Just one twice a week but stop. Just one three times a week but stop. Holidays...well ok it is the holidays so why not 5 this week. But I am on vacation and it is 90 degrees in the shade...just one for now but stop till later.
The trappings are there and do happen. The only way to prevent it from ever happening again is to not pick up even one.
You may be able to continue as you do, just remember though... the warnings and facts that go along with alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
Blackouts...
....gotta love 'em!
Hi, I'm Ken -- I'm an alcoholic -- and was a blackout drinker, pretty much every night.
Whew, what hasn't been said already? Brad, I used to wake up every morning and ask my wife if I was an a$$hole last night! Usually I had called her a b!tch or laced into her for something she didn't do. I also used to fantasize about playing onstage with Billy Joel or the Beach Boys -- hey, I was really there, man -- singing away and knowing in my mind that that might happen if luck rolls my way. I AM A DRUNK! I have insane, fantasy world thoughts when I drink, and typically blackout. No way is this reality. I think the notion that your "real personality" comes out when you drink is BS.
My first blackout was when I was 17. I was drinking punch at one dorm, and ended up half naked in my shower back in my dorm.... Don't remember crap! I hate to think what else I've done in blackouts throughout my life. Most recently though, the painful blackouts are when I said disgusting, disgraceful, disrespectful things to my wife; or promised my kids something then forgotten; or having to check my emails to make sure I didn't send out an email or post something on these boards or others I would be ashamed of...
No way to live. Thank God I am sober today. You can choose that path as well, and I would urge you to get some help so you don't have to go it alone.
Ken
Hi, I'm Ken -- I'm an alcoholic -- and was a blackout drinker, pretty much every night.
Whew, what hasn't been said already? Brad, I used to wake up every morning and ask my wife if I was an a$$hole last night! Usually I had called her a b!tch or laced into her for something she didn't do. I also used to fantasize about playing onstage with Billy Joel or the Beach Boys -- hey, I was really there, man -- singing away and knowing in my mind that that might happen if luck rolls my way. I AM A DRUNK! I have insane, fantasy world thoughts when I drink, and typically blackout. No way is this reality. I think the notion that your "real personality" comes out when you drink is BS.
My first blackout was when I was 17. I was drinking punch at one dorm, and ended up half naked in my shower back in my dorm.... Don't remember crap! I hate to think what else I've done in blackouts throughout my life. Most recently though, the painful blackouts are when I said disgusting, disgraceful, disrespectful things to my wife; or promised my kids something then forgotten; or having to check my emails to make sure I didn't send out an email or post something on these boards or others I would be ashamed of...
No way to live. Thank God I am sober today. You can choose that path as well, and I would urge you to get some help so you don't have to go it alone.
Ken
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 15
Not a blackout, but have said idiot things..
Hi Brad,
I've never had a blackout, although I've had a few "gray-outs" where the details of things were fuzzy...
Sometimes, when drinking with co-workers, I've had conversations that have caused me to feel embarrassed the next day. Was I speaking from my heart? Maybe sometimes I was, but mostly things I've said were exaggerated, over-emotional, and self-indulgent--not the way I am when I'm not drinking. On a few occasions I've written emails that I thought were profound at the time, only to be mortified the next morning. Some of these were to my pastor! How embarrassing is that??? When I've re-read them the following day, I've felt that they were not the real truth about me, only a distortion. So my opinion is that a lot of what is said to others when under the influence is only a distortion, not the reality of a person really is. The shame I've experienced from these incidents plays a big role in my present motivation to abstain.
Aimee
I've never had a blackout, although I've had a few "gray-outs" where the details of things were fuzzy...
Sometimes, when drinking with co-workers, I've had conversations that have caused me to feel embarrassed the next day. Was I speaking from my heart? Maybe sometimes I was, but mostly things I've said were exaggerated, over-emotional, and self-indulgent--not the way I am when I'm not drinking. On a few occasions I've written emails that I thought were profound at the time, only to be mortified the next morning. Some of these were to my pastor! How embarrassing is that??? When I've re-read them the following day, I've felt that they were not the real truth about me, only a distortion. So my opinion is that a lot of what is said to others when under the influence is only a distortion, not the reality of a person really is. The shame I've experienced from these incidents plays a big role in my present motivation to abstain.
Aimee
Choosing Life
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: London
Posts: 889
How many of these have I had.?? Too many.
Waking up and being totally astonished that my wife (ex-wife) was sleeping on the sofa - and her telling me how I had ranted and raged at her before peeing in the corner and then pushing her out of the bed.
Phone calls to people in the middle of the night - and because I was speaking martian at the time, they hang up, and the only way they knew it was me is because of caller display.
Coming down to a kitchen where a gourmet meal had been cooked and I have no recollection of cooking or eating it.
Just a snippet of many I could bore you with - but all the above are tools I use when the dark side of me suggests a drink. There is only one way to make sure this kind of dangerous antisocial behavior never happens again - I must not have that first drink.
much love
JC
Waking up and being totally astonished that my wife (ex-wife) was sleeping on the sofa - and her telling me how I had ranted and raged at her before peeing in the corner and then pushing her out of the bed.
Phone calls to people in the middle of the night - and because I was speaking martian at the time, they hang up, and the only way they knew it was me is because of caller display.
Coming down to a kitchen where a gourmet meal had been cooked and I have no recollection of cooking or eating it.
Just a snippet of many I could bore you with - but all the above are tools I use when the dark side of me suggests a drink. There is only one way to make sure this kind of dangerous antisocial behavior never happens again - I must not have that first drink.
much love
JC
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Kansas City,Mo
Posts: 478
Blackouts?
I have had plenty!! Said the most horrible things to hubby and my own kids!
Did I mean them??? Probably not! But the fact remains...I still said them and they hurt!
Just the "look"on the faces the next day was proof enough for me!
Words hurt more than a blow to the face with a fist because they carry on for years.
Thay will...Im sure never forget the things I said....or did.Maybe forgive,but never forget.
All you can do is say that you are sorry and try and move on...and dont drink to make this happen.
Im a totally differant person when I drink.Its like Jeckel and Hide,as with most people.
My hubby has drank in the past.He is the sweetest person in the world sober.But when he drinks,he becomes an ass! And so do I!!
The only differance is....he didnt have the problem.I did!
Some people swear to the statement that alcohol is like a truth syrum.
In my opinion..its a I ramble on and say and do stupid crap syrum!! That makes me look and feel stupid the next day!
I have had plenty!! Said the most horrible things to hubby and my own kids!
Did I mean them??? Probably not! But the fact remains...I still said them and they hurt!
Just the "look"on the faces the next day was proof enough for me!
Words hurt more than a blow to the face with a fist because they carry on for years.
Thay will...Im sure never forget the things I said....or did.Maybe forgive,but never forget.
All you can do is say that you are sorry and try and move on...and dont drink to make this happen.
Im a totally differant person when I drink.Its like Jeckel and Hide,as with most people.
My hubby has drank in the past.He is the sweetest person in the world sober.But when he drinks,he becomes an ass! And so do I!!
The only differance is....he didnt have the problem.I did!
Some people swear to the statement that alcohol is like a truth syrum.
In my opinion..its a I ramble on and say and do stupid crap syrum!! That makes me look and feel stupid the next day!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Southwest PA USA
Posts: 339
When I drank, I pretty much black out every time. I would get up for work in the morning, see a McDonalds bag in the garbage, and not even remember driving to the store. I'm divorced, and call my kids every night, but wouldn't remember the conversations with them. Blackouts are scary, very scary. I couldn't say with any certainy what I did the day before. I've made phone calls to friends I can't remember. I've had entire nights pass by with no recollection of what I did. Did I do some laundry? Did I feed my cats?
I simply don't know.
I simply don't know.
letting God take the wheel...
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Home is where the heart is-Colorado and Oregon
Posts: 100
blacking out is the one major reason for my sobriety...by far the scariest thing ever..i am pretty sure that had I ever done anything so naughty the cops would have called me by now, but I tell ya three months sober, third time getting sober in my 25 years...blacking out is by far the most baffling thing thats ever happened in my life..I never acted like "me". Quite often a sloppy, bitchy, slutty version of myself.....gross...I try not to dwell on the past..I just find serenity knowing that thank god it will never happen again as long as i stay sober 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 3
Something I've realized in case it applies to your situation...
I've blacked out a lot, but usually by the time I get to that stage I'm too far gone to have any real emotion.
But pre-blackout I sometimes could be unfairly hostile to my wife and angry for no apparent reason. After a while I realized that it's because I have a lot of other stresses in my life that I want to attack. 3-5 drinks makes the stress go away, but 8-10 unleashes that anger and it goes after the nearest target.
So instead I'm trying to identify those stresses and attack them.
There's an old saying, "a drunken man's tongue speaks a sober man's mind." And I think it's true up to a point, but after a while that happy uninhibited person turns into the evil drunken doppleganger who is not saying what you really think at all.
I've blacked out a lot, but usually by the time I get to that stage I'm too far gone to have any real emotion.
But pre-blackout I sometimes could be unfairly hostile to my wife and angry for no apparent reason. After a while I realized that it's because I have a lot of other stresses in my life that I want to attack. 3-5 drinks makes the stress go away, but 8-10 unleashes that anger and it goes after the nearest target.
So instead I'm trying to identify those stresses and attack them.
There's an old saying, "a drunken man's tongue speaks a sober man's mind." And I think it's true up to a point, but after a while that happy uninhibited person turns into the evil drunken doppleganger who is not saying what you really think at all.
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