I've lost my wife's '' support''
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 480
I've lost my wife's '' support''
Long sob story short. Just got off another binge. Want to make it right this time as now I finally see the error of my ways. I mentioned to my wife that I want to go to rehab but she tells me we can't afford for me to miss work( I'm the breadwinner) she's hurt and goes on to tell me she hates who Ihave become 
. Sitting up at ythe local neighborhood bar. Haven't drank yet. Don't know what to do without her support.
. Sitting up at ythe local neighborhood bar. Haven't drank yet. Don't know what to do without her support.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: California
Posts: 41
A.) Don't drink.
B.) See A.
Weaver, you've been dry before and you can do it again. I know it's hard work - at least it is for me - but you have the strength to do it. In addition, she is supporting you in her own way -- if she didn't care at all she wouldn't even have told you how hurt she was by your binging. At the end of the day you have to make you sober (I know it's not grammatically correct but you know what I mean), so focus on that and the rest will come.
Good luck, we're all cheering for you!
B.) See A.
Weaver, you've been dry before and you can do it again. I know it's hard work - at least it is for me - but you have the strength to do it. In addition, she is supporting you in her own way -- if she didn't care at all she wouldn't even have told you how hurt she was by your binging. At the end of the day you have to make you sober (I know it's not grammatically correct but you know what I mean), so focus on that and the rest will come.
Good luck, we're all cheering for you!
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
So how is sitting at a bar feeling sorry for yourself going to help you get sober or change your wife's mind about you????
Get off that bar stool, go home and if you are in the States call 211 and ask for outpatient treatment options.
Don't drink today and formulate a strong sobriety plan for yourself whether it is through AA or another method.
Get off that bar stool, go home and if you are in the States call 211 and ask for outpatient treatment options.
Don't drink today and formulate a strong sobriety plan for yourself whether it is through AA or another method.
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
Sometimes in life we must make choices. Many people have chosen a sober life after years of drinking and many have done so without rehabs and while they worked full time jobs. It takes will power and making some good decisions. Sitting in bars and hoping not to drink does not qualify as a good decision.
If you want to stop then you will. Find an AA meeting, they are right in the front of the phone book, walk in, sit down and start getting sober. I did just that 14 years ago. No rehab, worked my job and took one God awful amount of very long walks whenever I wanted to drink. Hated AA for at least the first 30-60 days, about 90 meetings, plus or minus, but I had a lot to lose and decided it wasn't all about me anymore.
I am not special, there are many just like me, but it is difficult, not impossible.
Good Luck,
Jon
If you want to stop then you will. Find an AA meeting, they are right in the front of the phone book, walk in, sit down and start getting sober. I did just that 14 years ago. No rehab, worked my job and took one God awful amount of very long walks whenever I wanted to drink. Hated AA for at least the first 30-60 days, about 90 meetings, plus or minus, but I had a lot to lose and decided it wasn't all about me anymore.
I am not special, there are many just like me, but it is difficult, not impossible.
Good Luck,
Jon
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Originally Posted by Weaver 
I guess I am just afraid to do it alone. I've severed my trust ties with my wife so it will take action, not words
a) We are here for you
b) Why don't you join a face to face support group? I am in AA and really recommend it but if you feel more comfortable with a secular solution, look up SMART recovery. I heard good things about them.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
Good to the change of scenery.
One of the hardest things for me after a drinnking session, when I swore never again, was wanting to somehow be a week or a month into sobriety , I wanted so bad to be transported into the future. it sounds crazy , but knowing that that wasn't possible made my resovle melt away. I just had to 'know' that time takes time , no way to beat it. And the only to build up that time, to show others our actions is to do it. Had to start now and continue. Does that make sense? You can't continue until you start, and it has to keep going, there just isn't any other way.
wish you well and at the very least SR is always here right, we are never truly alone, and great start posting that is positive action keep it up
One of the hardest things for me after a drinnking session, when I swore never again, was wanting to somehow be a week or a month into sobriety , I wanted so bad to be transported into the future. it sounds crazy , but knowing that that wasn't possible made my resovle melt away. I just had to 'know' that time takes time , no way to beat it. And the only to build up that time, to show others our actions is to do it. Had to start now and continue. Does that make sense? You can't continue until you start, and it has to keep going, there just isn't any other way.
wish you well and at the very least SR is always here right, we are never truly alone, and great start posting that is positive action keep it up
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Why don't you join us at the 24 hours club for a starter? Just sign up and commit yourself not to drink for the next 24 hours http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oin-us-22.html
You ll find a lot of folks there counting days and you will see how easily they add up
You ll find a lot of folks there counting days and you will see how easily they add up
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
hey weaver - no matter whether you go to rehab or AA or some other program, or no program at all - no matter if you have your wife's support or not ...
in the end it's down to you and you not raising that glass to your lips anymore.
It's the same for all of us.
If you're done, be done
D
in the end it's down to you and you not raising that glass to your lips anymore.
It's the same for all of us.
If you're done, be done
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by Weaver
Thanks everyone. I left the bar. Went to a serene Lake lookout by our house. I guess I am just afraid to do it alone. I've severed my trust ties with my wife so it will take action, not words
It takes time Weaver. But in life, it's all we have is time.
My husband has 4 weeks tomorrow. He stopped lying, hiding, being angry & defensive when talking about his drink BUT most of all, he started showing me instead of saying what he was going to do.
One day at a time. It may not have felt right by leaving the bar but just remember this... you'll never have to leave again if you never go in!
One day, one hour, one minute at a time. It adds up and your wife will see it and not only that, you will too!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
A lot of folks look for a reason or crutch to prop them up and keep them sober. I cant remain sober without AA I cant remain sober without my wife I need rehab I need a pill of sorts if only my life wasnt so hard perhaps if i had a better job etc..
At the end of the day what you need to remain sober comes from within you And if you want to remain sober you wont need to be propped up by anyone or anything but yourself. You look at things and go well if not for that situation I'd be sober. Generally speaking people sober up and the conditions are less then ideal. But its part of the journey to sobriety to accpet things for not being perfect but learning how to work with them and gain sobriety.
Congrats on leaving the bar thats a good choice!
At the end of the day what you need to remain sober comes from within you And if you want to remain sober you wont need to be propped up by anyone or anything but yourself. You look at things and go well if not for that situation I'd be sober. Generally speaking people sober up and the conditions are less then ideal. But its part of the journey to sobriety to accpet things for not being perfect but learning how to work with them and gain sobriety.
Congrats on leaving the bar thats a good choice!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Singapore
Posts: 737
The only support you need to quit drinking comes from your own guts, motivations, and soul. And if you do need to quit drinking, then that action has to become the single most important thing in your life right now, even more important than concerns over what your family will or won't do - and that includes your wife. Why? Because you're utterly useless to her and everyone else as a drunk.
So many of us get sober alone, our loved ones long gone. Otherwise they are standing over us with shotguns, ready to blow our brains out for all the tragic crap we've pulled. In fact, if I took a poll of ALL the bottomed out drunks I know that have since become sober, there aren't many who counted on any "support" to do so... as they (too) had destroyed that possibility. We tend to burn our lives to the ground dunchya know.
I don't know your story with booze, and I haven't had time to read the bulk of the thread. That's my disclaimer, in case my reply offends you or disagree with things others may have said. Thing is; if you are having serious drinking issues then I'd suggest you consider the support your wife is already offering you, just by still sticking around. Try to understand that she's still in your life right now, while you muck about in a bar immediately after a binge.
And ya, ummm... you were sitting in a local bar trying to figure out how to quit drinking.... so let's be a bit more 'bottom line', can? You haven't seen any 'errors of your ways'. That IS one of those pesky "errors of our ways". Perhaps you've finally proper recognized your problem, which is a good start, but you're obviously still mired in the insanity of active alcoholism, that you chose a bar to lament over this.
There's really only one thing that I can take from your OP... you've potentially found a brand new excuse paradigm. "No support" touches on core familial trust issues, which is fantastic for feeling oh-so righteously indignant. "I've just found out that I can't trust someone I love, when I need them the most!!". Sound familiar? It's absolutely, 100% bullocks. 'No Support' is nothing but yesterday's "I'm bored", or last month's "nobody cares", and next year's "what's the point". These are just the necessary rationalizations which keeps us feeding this addiction, and keeps us proper messed up.
If you really want and end to this downward spiral into madness, enough that literally nothing will sway you from the task? Stay out of bars, gab some clarity of purpose, and absorb the gravity of what could become the single biggest fight of your life. Real changes do happen, oft times completely exclusive of familial "support" and/or the love of a good woman, but the impetus and work can only come from within you. Full stop.
Remember, your loved ones are the very people who have - time and again - suffered, (often silently), under collateral damage from your many alcoholic explosions. If I were you I'd simply be thankful she hasn't filed for divorce or tried to murder you in your sleep, and leave it at that. Just sticking it out with us knuckleheads as we set fire to our lives is an enormous amount of support.
So many of us get sober alone, our loved ones long gone. Otherwise they are standing over us with shotguns, ready to blow our brains out for all the tragic crap we've pulled. In fact, if I took a poll of ALL the bottomed out drunks I know that have since become sober, there aren't many who counted on any "support" to do so... as they (too) had destroyed that possibility. We tend to burn our lives to the ground dunchya know.
I don't know your story with booze, and I haven't had time to read the bulk of the thread. That's my disclaimer, in case my reply offends you or disagree with things others may have said. Thing is; if you are having serious drinking issues then I'd suggest you consider the support your wife is already offering you, just by still sticking around. Try to understand that she's still in your life right now, while you muck about in a bar immediately after a binge.
And ya, ummm... you were sitting in a local bar trying to figure out how to quit drinking.... so let's be a bit more 'bottom line', can? You haven't seen any 'errors of your ways'. That IS one of those pesky "errors of our ways". Perhaps you've finally proper recognized your problem, which is a good start, but you're obviously still mired in the insanity of active alcoholism, that you chose a bar to lament over this.
There's really only one thing that I can take from your OP... you've potentially found a brand new excuse paradigm. "No support" touches on core familial trust issues, which is fantastic for feeling oh-so righteously indignant. "I've just found out that I can't trust someone I love, when I need them the most!!". Sound familiar? It's absolutely, 100% bullocks. 'No Support' is nothing but yesterday's "I'm bored", or last month's "nobody cares", and next year's "what's the point". These are just the necessary rationalizations which keeps us feeding this addiction, and keeps us proper messed up.
If you really want and end to this downward spiral into madness, enough that literally nothing will sway you from the task? Stay out of bars, gab some clarity of purpose, and absorb the gravity of what could become the single biggest fight of your life. Real changes do happen, oft times completely exclusive of familial "support" and/or the love of a good woman, but the impetus and work can only come from within you. Full stop.
Remember, your loved ones are the very people who have - time and again - suffered, (often silently), under collateral damage from your many alcoholic explosions. If I were you I'd simply be thankful she hasn't filed for divorce or tried to murder you in your sleep, and leave it at that. Just sticking it out with us knuckleheads as we set fire to our lives is an enormous amount of support.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 480
Thanks for the kind words everyone. I didn't drink and ended up going back know home to talk to the wife. We have worked things out for now but I know it will take actions for her to trust me again. I have a recovery plan in place (sans rehab) and I believe it will work this time. Thanks again everyone. You all are fantastic
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