A Drunkard in the Rye
A Drunkard in the Rye
The worst part of alcoholism is the loneliness, or boredom. When you live alone with close to zero friends it's hard to keep yourself sober. I desperately need some other activities to distract me from not being sober. It's hard to sit around on your couch night after night without the drink.
It was hard for me too - but looking back now, and no offense, but I think boredom was a pretty weak excuse for me to make.
We live in some of the most amazing times and nations in humanity's history - there's so much to do, everyday - from the inane to the profound...
if we're bored, I think it's an inner problem.
Volunteering was really good for me - it got me out of the house, it got me doing something meaningful for other people, and it stopped me looking at my navel.
is it something you might consider starflyer?
D
We live in some of the most amazing times and nations in humanity's history - there's so much to do, everyday - from the inane to the profound...
if we're bored, I think it's an inner problem.
Volunteering was really good for me - it got me out of the house, it got me doing something meaningful for other people, and it stopped me looking at my navel.
is it something you might consider starflyer?
D
I had spent most of the last two years of my life and my drinking career alone. I wanted it this way. I wanted to be left alone to drink. I felt happy and content this way. When I quit, I was still alone but now I was lonely. I did not have my friend to comfort me. Being left alone did not have the same appeal as before. I was also bored. I did not do much when I drank. Drinking was, to me, my activity.
Going to AA and becoming a part of the fellowship has made me realize I am never alone. I do, at times, still feel lonely. I think that is normal for everyone including people that are not alcoholics. I found I want and need people in my life. I never thought in a million years that other people who I so desperately tried to avoid would end up being the key for me in finding and maintaining sobriety.
If I find myself with no plans then I call someone and try to make some. If nobody is available then I do something. Talk a walk, clean, read a book etc. Volunteering is a great idea. If you have the free time then use it to help other people or animals. It keeps you busy, you are not alone or lonely and you contribute. Win win.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hey Starflyer.
That kind of solitude in early sobriety was a killer for me, and I needed to take care of it immediately to stay sober. I had no choice. As Dee said, there are hundreds of things to do, and several ways to do them.
I started by going to multiple AA meetings from the get-go, often going to two or three meetings a day. It was a safe place, a place where I could get out of my crazy head, it chewed up a lot of my isolation time, I learned a whole lot and it was wonderful entertainment. I didn't care about the "God thing," the crazies, or the Big Book thumpers. I was there to stay sober, and that was my only concern. My personal politics, ideas about religion, and what I believed would be best for me were things that got me there in the first place, so I let go of all that. I made new friends, met my sponsor and built a support system without even knowing it.
I had a friend who was an amateur boxer at the time, and he invited me to come to his martial arts class. What the hell did I know about such things besides Bruce Lee? Well, I started going four times a week about a month into sobriety, and continued training for over twenty years. Again, it cut into my isolation time and had the added bonus of helping my anxiety, depression, appetite and insomnia. We meditated before and after class, I learned discipline and I learned to manage physical discomfort and pain. And it made me feel safe. We would also hang out from time to time after class.
I was working as a bartender at the time, and I picked up every extra shift and double shift I was offered. I had piles of cash in my desk drawer since I was no longer wasting my money on booze. I also got to see what I looked like and what I became when I drank heavily.
Living in Manhattan, I stopped taking public transportation, and walked everywhere that I needed to be. Great exercise, very therapeutic and a way of quieting my crazy thinking. Also spent a lot of time in Central Park and with my new sober friends after meetings.
Three years into sobriety, I hit the ground running when I started graduate school and working full-time.
The stories that people post here about their accomplishments in sobriety are not fairy tales meant to separate new people from their liquor. We don't write these things in order to make people feel any particular way. I get it that people new to sobriety generally find it impossible to imagine a better life, what with all the damage we do while we're drinking. And when we say things like, "My life is better than I could ever have imagined," many eyes among the newly sober glaze over. But we have no other reason to tell you these things except to let you know that all of this is available to you.
My personal bias, though based on years of experience, is that people who attempt to do this on their own are likely to prolong their suffering and experience a great deal of unnecessary frustration. And that they're forfeiting many of the good things in life that are available to them. If you do this on your own and are happy, that's great. But if you're doing this more or less on your own, and you continue to have unimpeded frustration, and periods of self-loathing or unhappiness in important parts of your life, there is a better way, and knowing this will eat away at you for as long as you live.
That kind of solitude in early sobriety was a killer for me, and I needed to take care of it immediately to stay sober. I had no choice. As Dee said, there are hundreds of things to do, and several ways to do them.
I started by going to multiple AA meetings from the get-go, often going to two or three meetings a day. It was a safe place, a place where I could get out of my crazy head, it chewed up a lot of my isolation time, I learned a whole lot and it was wonderful entertainment. I didn't care about the "God thing," the crazies, or the Big Book thumpers. I was there to stay sober, and that was my only concern. My personal politics, ideas about religion, and what I believed would be best for me were things that got me there in the first place, so I let go of all that. I made new friends, met my sponsor and built a support system without even knowing it.
I had a friend who was an amateur boxer at the time, and he invited me to come to his martial arts class. What the hell did I know about such things besides Bruce Lee? Well, I started going four times a week about a month into sobriety, and continued training for over twenty years. Again, it cut into my isolation time and had the added bonus of helping my anxiety, depression, appetite and insomnia. We meditated before and after class, I learned discipline and I learned to manage physical discomfort and pain. And it made me feel safe. We would also hang out from time to time after class.
I was working as a bartender at the time, and I picked up every extra shift and double shift I was offered. I had piles of cash in my desk drawer since I was no longer wasting my money on booze. I also got to see what I looked like and what I became when I drank heavily.
Living in Manhattan, I stopped taking public transportation, and walked everywhere that I needed to be. Great exercise, very therapeutic and a way of quieting my crazy thinking. Also spent a lot of time in Central Park and with my new sober friends after meetings.
Three years into sobriety, I hit the ground running when I started graduate school and working full-time.
The stories that people post here about their accomplishments in sobriety are not fairy tales meant to separate new people from their liquor. We don't write these things in order to make people feel any particular way. I get it that people new to sobriety generally find it impossible to imagine a better life, what with all the damage we do while we're drinking. And when we say things like, "My life is better than I could ever have imagined," many eyes among the newly sober glaze over. But we have no other reason to tell you these things except to let you know that all of this is available to you.
My personal bias, though based on years of experience, is that people who attempt to do this on their own are likely to prolong their suffering and experience a great deal of unnecessary frustration. And that they're forfeiting many of the good things in life that are available to them. If you do this on your own and are happy, that's great. But if you're doing this more or less on your own, and you continue to have unimpeded frustration, and periods of self-loathing or unhappiness in important parts of your life, there is a better way, and knowing this will eat away at you for as long as you live.
Boleo described me quite well.
My few attempts at sobriety at 30 days or more had me feeling very "Un-Motivated" to do anything. Don't know if it was depression, boredom or just the "Ho - Hums" or what. I do know it was very frustrating.
There was so much I wanted to do and get done but just could not get myself to MOVE !!!
I just could not get started. Even somethings I loved to do...I wouldn't do. Go figure. The things I didn't really want to do but knew I should do...I looked at with absolute dread.
Frustrated, yes...but it made me feel like a total failure even while maintaining my sobriety...which was a big part of my picking up again Iam sad to say.
Hope this helps...but Iam starting to learn more about PAWS...and coming to a better understanding of how the body and mind works in early sobriety.
It appears to be a normal part of recovery for a lot of people.
All I can hope for and work towards is my next quit attempt will be successful.
I may have 100 "Day Ones" before I have 100 days sober but I refuse to give up on myself !!!
Dave
My few attempts at sobriety at 30 days or more had me feeling very "Un-Motivated" to do anything. Don't know if it was depression, boredom or just the "Ho - Hums" or what. I do know it was very frustrating.
There was so much I wanted to do and get done but just could not get myself to MOVE !!!
I just could not get started. Even somethings I loved to do...I wouldn't do. Go figure. The things I didn't really want to do but knew I should do...I looked at with absolute dread.
Frustrated, yes...but it made me feel like a total failure even while maintaining my sobriety...which was a big part of my picking up again Iam sad to say.
Hope this helps...but Iam starting to learn more about PAWS...and coming to a better understanding of how the body and mind works in early sobriety.
It appears to be a normal part of recovery for a lot of people.
All I can hope for and work towards is my next quit attempt will be successful.
I may have 100 "Day Ones" before I have 100 days sober but I refuse to give up on myself !!!
Dave
It's hard for me to reach out and find new friends. I don't have a lady in my life, which makes things all the more miserable. The few times I've reached out to a fellow college student from class or coworker they often get shy and I never get a phone call. I struggle with my self-image, as a large part of alcoholics and non-alcoholics do, but I don't believe I'm a bad friend, somebody who is fun to be around (and yes I'm talking about the sober version of me).
It's the night time hours that are hard on me. I live in a smaller town where things start shutting down after dark. There's not a whole lot of places to volunteer or stuff to do in order to distract myself. I just had a birthday not long ago and I'm slipping into that period where everyone does stuff with couples. Because when you hit your 30's everybody is married, or planning to get married, or in a serious relationship. I guess Nobody has ever died being the 5th wheel, but I'm sure you guys can see where I'm coming from, right? Those depressive thoughts you have sitting at the end of the table while the couples go on and on about investment ideas or what financing rate they got on their new RV or the big trip to Disney World last week. You start to feel so terribly lonely, left behind.
Yes...I know I'm wining. But I think emotions (along with habit and routine) play a big factor in triggering the urge to drink. As I've stated before, I'm giving some serious thought into seeing a therapist to work out the messes of emotions I'm experiencing while trying to stay sober.
It's the night time hours that are hard on me. I live in a smaller town where things start shutting down after dark. There's not a whole lot of places to volunteer or stuff to do in order to distract myself. I just had a birthday not long ago and I'm slipping into that period where everyone does stuff with couples. Because when you hit your 30's everybody is married, or planning to get married, or in a serious relationship. I guess Nobody has ever died being the 5th wheel, but I'm sure you guys can see where I'm coming from, right? Those depressive thoughts you have sitting at the end of the table while the couples go on and on about investment ideas or what financing rate they got on their new RV or the big trip to Disney World last week. You start to feel so terribly lonely, left behind.
Yes...I know I'm wining. But I think emotions (along with habit and routine) play a big factor in triggering the urge to drink. As I've stated before, I'm giving some serious thought into seeing a therapist to work out the messes of emotions I'm experiencing while trying to stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 204
But since my mind is shot all to hell now i'm wondering A-How long is this going to last? and B-What are the odds of this being permanent condition?
Every, and i mean EVERY day is more or less the same. Only difference is on the weekends the library closes earlier the it's back to camp to do nothing more than perhaps read a book.
Volunteer or don't volunteer...I still think boredom is an internal matter, not an external one. It's something we can fix...but we won't fix it doing nothing.
PAWs is not an immutable object to bang your head against, either anymore than alcoholism is, IMO - there's a lot you can do to ameliorate PAWs symptoms.
PAWS | Digital Dharma
D
PAWs is not an immutable object to bang your head against, either anymore than alcoholism is, IMO - there's a lot you can do to ameliorate PAWs symptoms.
PAWS | Digital Dharma
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 204
Volunteer or don't volunteer...I still think boredom is an internal matter, not an external one. It's something we can fix...but we won't fix it doing nothing.
PAWs is not an immutable object to bang your head against, either anymore than alcoholism is, IMO - there's a lot you can do to ameliorate PAWs symptoms.
PAWS | Digital Dharma
D
PAWs is not an immutable object to bang your head against, either anymore than alcoholism is, IMO - there's a lot you can do to ameliorate PAWs symptoms.
PAWS | Digital Dharma
D
Perhaps i'm being a bit vague. When i was drinking i was functional. What i did for recreation and what i was planning do for a career change (and practicing for) heavily requires mental skills. You could say i was 100% beyond a shadow of a doubt obsessed with and structured my daily life around it. I'm not even close to what i was a month ago. Forget about it, i'm worthless now.
You can imagine what it is trying to find something to do that requires minimal cognitive skills. If i factor in all my interests, i can't think of anything worthwhile. I'm now begining to realize what it's like to lobotomized.
There's no doubt early recovery is rough particularly if you drank like I did, and it sounds like you did, Carbonized.
I'm not trying to dismiss your struggle or anything
I was sick for the first month - boredom really didn't come into it...after that I was bored - until I realised I was still living my old drinking life. I think drinking is the only thing that makes that kind of mundane existence remotely bearable.
Drinking had been my whole life.
I needed to rebuild, and that meant trying new stuff.
I found changes, even small ones, can really help
D
I'm not trying to dismiss your struggle or anything
I was sick for the first month - boredom really didn't come into it...after that I was bored - until I realised I was still living my old drinking life. I think drinking is the only thing that makes that kind of mundane existence remotely bearable.
Drinking had been my whole life.
I needed to rebuild, and that meant trying new stuff.
I found changes, even small ones, can really help
D
Last edited by Dee74; 08-31-2013 at 06:13 PM.
Thanks for that post. I can relate, and would like to add some some thoughts and get your feedback. I am in my mid-30's, and like you live alone and have outgrown old friendships. At this time in our lives, perhaps we should consider ourselves "between friendships". We are too old to romp around and play sports all day, but we are too young to be satisfied sitting in a mauve leather chair adjusting our spectacles as we put together model ships.
Since people like you and me are unattached, have no kids, and live alone - it's only natural that this is an "in between" time. Let's flip it on its head: let's take advantage of it. I have gone mobile, traveling to many other countries, and exploring a variety of side-businesses. I have started learning astrophysics, neuroscience, and become fluent in second language. Frankly, it can be awesome.
You can feel bad about being alone, or you can use this time to experiment with your life a bit. Take a walk down some new streets, take a drive out to the country and walk around in the woods. You can do any damn thing you want, no kids, no wife/husband, and freedom of movement.
Good luck to ya - thanks for the post, your feelings are very similar to mine in many ways. I wish I could say I always followed my own advice, but I struggle too sometimes. All the best.
Since people like you and me are unattached, have no kids, and live alone - it's only natural that this is an "in between" time. Let's flip it on its head: let's take advantage of it. I have gone mobile, traveling to many other countries, and exploring a variety of side-businesses. I have started learning astrophysics, neuroscience, and become fluent in second language. Frankly, it can be awesome.
You can feel bad about being alone, or you can use this time to experiment with your life a bit. Take a walk down some new streets, take a drive out to the country and walk around in the woods. You can do any damn thing you want, no kids, no wife/husband, and freedom of movement.
Good luck to ya - thanks for the post, your feelings are very similar to mine in many ways. I wish I could say I always followed my own advice, but I struggle too sometimes. All the best.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
But it's just "life". It's up to me to do something about that. There are tons of things to do. Tonight I will just be sitting home with my self again...but I really am okay with that. If I was drinking..ya I would probably be sitting home tonight alone too...just with a bottle of wine. I would be damaging my mind rather than allowing it to repair..allowing my life to repair...one day...one season at a time.
Hi Starflyer -
Love your tag line & congrats on getting sober.
Are there AA meetings around you that you can check out? AA is fantastic for socializing - and many people will go grab coffee together after a meeting (and it's not a couple thing - no fifth wheel!).
RE: evenings - might be time to start some projects. I frankly am a bit jealous that you have free time in evenings, as I don't have time to do all the things that I'd like to do. What three things would you like to be able to do that you don't do know?
---
@Carbonized - Actually I can related quite a bit - I too had PAWS very badly and my peers and coworkers are considered to be top of their field worldwide.
Please remember that PAWS is due to your brain chemistry rebalancing - I am on the other side, and the sober brain power I have now runs circles around my 'functional alcoholic' brain. Only way forward is through, however.
In the meantime, though, you are healing. Healing will go faster if you actively work on supporting it. Tactics that worked for me -
1. vitamins helped to speed up healing (100 B-complex, multi, and 10 fish oil a day)
2. cutting out/down to low caffeine beverages (caffeine would seems to trigger a PAWS episode - something else might trigger yours and you should eliminate that)
3. since I had no memory but had to perform at a high level - I started using a GTD system - write everything down, capture clearly the next action & using a list for '@PAWS'. Worked great. Since I captured the actions specifically, no thought or decision making was needed and I would just pull up my list and stay productive. Learning how to manage my 'stuff' has turned into a life skill for me that I wouldn't have done w/o PAWS challenge to overcome.
4. Attitude - When I would do stupid stuff, rather than get frustrated, I would just pause and make a point of smile at the humor.
Good luck and let us know how it goes!
Love your tag line & congrats on getting sober.
Are there AA meetings around you that you can check out? AA is fantastic for socializing - and many people will go grab coffee together after a meeting (and it's not a couple thing - no fifth wheel!).
RE: evenings - might be time to start some projects. I frankly am a bit jealous that you have free time in evenings, as I don't have time to do all the things that I'd like to do. What three things would you like to be able to do that you don't do know?
---
@Carbonized - Actually I can related quite a bit - I too had PAWS very badly and my peers and coworkers are considered to be top of their field worldwide.
Please remember that PAWS is due to your brain chemistry rebalancing - I am on the other side, and the sober brain power I have now runs circles around my 'functional alcoholic' brain. Only way forward is through, however.
In the meantime, though, you are healing. Healing will go faster if you actively work on supporting it. Tactics that worked for me -
1. vitamins helped to speed up healing (100 B-complex, multi, and 10 fish oil a day)
2. cutting out/down to low caffeine beverages (caffeine would seems to trigger a PAWS episode - something else might trigger yours and you should eliminate that)
3. since I had no memory but had to perform at a high level - I started using a GTD system - write everything down, capture clearly the next action & using a list for '@PAWS'. Worked great. Since I captured the actions specifically, no thought or decision making was needed and I would just pull up my list and stay productive. Learning how to manage my 'stuff' has turned into a life skill for me that I wouldn't have done w/o PAWS challenge to overcome.
4. Attitude - When I would do stupid stuff, rather than get frustrated, I would just pause and make a point of smile at the humor.
Good luck and let us know how it goes!
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