shil2587

First up, hi. I am here because I am looking for some advice from people on the other side of the coin. I am a non-addict dating an addict.

When we got together, I had no idea there was any problem. By the time he told me there was (a few months in), I had already fallen in love with him. As a teacher with experience in counselling I knew I was healthy enough not to form a co-dependant relationship and I was willing to give him some time to sort himself out. He hit rock bottom three months in and took himself off for a residential rehab - determined to succeed. He has put in so much hard work and has really grown as a person. He is more aware of when he is experiencing negative emotions and is becoming extremely good at talking them through and dealing with them positively. We do not live together and we agreed I would have no contact with him if and when he relapses. The only way I support him is when he is detoxing, he gets my sofa while I am out at work.

All was going well until 6months into his sobriety. He relapsed. Then relapsed again three months later, then again two months after that. He doesn't understand exactly why he is relapsing as it appears to be different triggers each time. He attends therapy sessions every week, AA meetings 3x a week and works hard on himself the rest of the time - even taking a sabbatical to focus on himself. He never drank socially, it's only in his home and always on Vodka until he passes out and pretty much stays passed out for a week before he gets clean again. He is becoming depressed about his inability to kick drinking for good.

What are his chances? He is determined, but keeps relapsing. Is this normal on the road to long-term sobriety or did others who have several years under their belt put down the drink the first time around?

I really appreciate the insight.

Banquo

I was just the same. I'd relapse every couple of months. I didn't know why. I'm in a loving relationship with a non-addict. I still don't know why I did it. My last one was a biggie and somehow after that a switch went off in my head that I can't carry on like this. Thankfully it has been sixty plus days since my last drink and I feel happier.

Till that switch goes off in your partners head, which it will, you have to be understanding and patience


Good luck to both of you

shil2587

Has anyone who has achieved a few years sobriety done so after a few relapses? What might be a warning sign that he won't ever succeed? I know no-one can tell the future, but I find myself having to make a decision whether to wait for him knowing that if he can do it, we'd have something truly magical. Or cut my losses and run. Is there anyone with years sobriety who relapsed - is this normal?

shil2587

Thank you Banquo. Congratulations on your two months. I really hope it continues well for you.

EndGameNYC

Hi shil.

It's rather an easy thing to see when someone is heading towards a relapse, but there is simply no reliable way to either monitor or predict success in recovery. I relapsed after twenty one years of sobriety, and I am not alone in that. All treatment methods, including AA, have abysmal failure rates. If this were not the case, everyone would be doing what "works best." This speaks to the power of the disease or condition or however you want to label it.

There's no scientific test, no blood test and no questionnaire that can predict long-term sobriety. Everyone who succeeds in achieving sobriety or who has recovered from alcoholism is 100% successful, either for the remainder of their lives or until they no longer are successful. Everyone who doesn't achieve sobriety will either never get there, or has not yet gotten there.

Believing that we know that someone will stay sober over the long run is a delusion, no matter how well they live their lives.

Having said all that, the best predictors for me are how desperate a person is to stop, how hard a person works at achieving and keeping sobriety, and how much of a priority staying sober is above all else in life. There are no other criteria of any value, but still no guarantees.

Mountainmanbob

Spinach

Shil,I don't know anyone who hasn't relapsed a few times before taking it on slightly differently , he knows he can stop now,as he has. He just needs to recognise that it doesn't get better and the only solution is never, no half measures.
As for cutting and running that's your call. I don't think anyone here would think the worse of you if you did.
You have your life and if it's not what you want then either he changes for himself and that helps you or you change the thing that's getting to you.
Life with an alcoholic who drinks will inevitable go downhill and you will have no choices about all that goes with it, the money not being there the lack of support for you when you need . It's no joy, but he is trying he just has to commit to not picking up ever.
Life is not a rehearsal.
Love John.

dox

I am a grateful AA member. I cannot share my experiences of relapse . . . yet.

Mountainman mentioned an important omission that seemed to jump out at me from your first post: You don't mention a sponsor or the 12-steps -- only that your boyfriend attends AA meetings 3 times a week.

I was fortunate enough to find a good sponsor and start working on the steps at 3 months sobriety. Consequently, I have not relapsed, yet. I have been sober for over 8 years. I do not intend to ever drink alcohol again. But it's a daily programme of recovery and others are spot-on in pointing out that there are no guarantees.

You might want to look into joining Al-Anon. Or you may want to read some or all of the AA Big Book, in order to better understand his programme of recovery. It is outlined in Chapter 5: "How it Works". There is also a Chapter entitled: "To Wives". If you do read it (available on-line), please bear in mind that it was written in America in the 1930s.

At the end of the day, shil, please do what's right for you. You are doing the right thing now, IMHO. Informed decision-making usually results in better decisions.

Mind how you go.
~dox

sugarbear1

25 years of relapses....Yes, I am now sober.

Grungehead

This was the first thing that jumped out at me as well. I've been able to string several years of sobriety together on multiple occasions, but I never worked the steps and I always ended up relapsing. I have 4 and a half months now, and this time I worked the steps right away with a sponsor. It's made a huge difference in my life. I no longer have the obsession to drink, but even more importantly I actually enjoy living life sober now. Staying sober used to seem like a job...something I needed to do, but after working the steps that feeling disappeared. I still have problems in life as we all do, but the steps help me deal with those problems in a healthy way instead of drinking over them.

So to sum up, he needs to get a sponsor and work the steps ASAP.

polaris

Welcome, and your patience means a lot.

shil2587

thank you everyone for your responses. It really helps having a bit more information. He is working with a sponsor but I think he is finding the high power part very hard. actually, thinking about it, it's when he hit the third step that he relapsed and he hasn't been able to move to the fourth yet. perhaps that's part of it.

I will wait and see. I love him more than I thought I could love anyone and I guess that's worth hanging onto. At least for a while to see how things head.

Thank you everyone!

afloatsober

Lots or reasons for hope. Relapse is quite common but if he really wants it and puts the work in the prognosis IMO is good.
I had many relapses and honestly thought that i was a 'no hoper' but that was just my dis-ease talking to me.
Your boyfriend sounds like someone who wants to get well and if he is prepared to do whats required he'll be ok.
Keep looking after you and getting the support you need.
Not easy for either party.
But it is SO worth it.
G

Threshold

I relapsed three times before I "got" sobriety. One and a half years.

Personally I have found it to my advantage to take people (including myself ) for who and where they are now. Not who they may or may not be if A, B, or C happens. I am not presuming to tell you what to do, only sharing my experience.

The only person I can change is me. The only situation I can change is my own. as you state, no one can know the future. Statistics? Well, thing is we don't know on which side we will fall. He may be one of the ones who makes it. Today he is a serial relapsing addict. That is today's reality.

I would suggest not putting your life on hold. If/when he gets himself together, if you are still single, maybe you'll be interested in seeing how things go. Waiting for someone to be "ready" has never worked out for me.

Grungehead

I always hit the wall of "unwillingness" when I got to step 4. Looking back I believe the problem really centered around the first 3 steps. I had long believed in a HP, but I don't think I honestly believed that he could or would help me. I also believed that I was powerless over alcohol, but without the belief that my HP could or would return me to sanity that left me with no power and I took over again.

This time I came in with a sense of desperation I have never experienced before in my life. I don't think my beliefs had changed, but my willingness to accept that my HP "might" help me allowed me to move ahead with the steps. It helped to see all of the people in the program that the steps had helped in achieving long-term sobriety. I took it on faith that their HP had helped them and ran with it.

I realized afterwards that the willingness to take the action required in steps 4-12 is where my true faith in a HP developed. All he needs is to be willing to believe (step 2) and the willingness to make a decision (step 3). Nothing else is required at this point. Neither require action, just willingness to keep an open mind concerning them.

Danae

Hi Shil,

I recommend posting on the Family and Friends of Alcoholics side of things for more information. You'll find a lot of people with experiences similar to yours there. It's a welcoming group!

Danae

Gottalife

I think most alcoholics of my type seem to have a few slips before getting on the road to recovery. We try different methods and fail, we come to AA and try and get away without doing the work etc. In reality each failure is a step nearer to success.

Contrary to popular dogma, the sucess rate of AA is very high. The head of our national addiction centre recently described AA as the most sucessful self help program ever in the history of medicine.

What is sometimes missed is that there are two elements to AA. The fellowship, and the program. Many try to stay sober on the fellowship alone. It works for some but not many.

But of those who come to AA and really try to practice the AA program i.e. steps, sponsor, working with others, the recovery rate still exceeds 50%, in my experience. It's just that few are willing to make the effort or they get told the wrong information.. like easy does it, take your time, meeting makers make it, just don't drink and go to meetings. Nowhere in the AA program does it say that these things will get you sober.

There are things about the AA program which are really hard for us to swallow. They go so much against our EGO. Who wants to take moral inventory, who wants to admit all our wrongs to another human, who wants to make amends, and who wants to work with another smelly drunk? We will only do these things when we see there is no other choice.

From our Big Book

"If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help. This we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort."

Once I reached this conclusion, I was able to embark wholeheartedly on the program of recovery, and, by the grace of the God of my understanding haven't needed to
drink since.