foodie1

Long story short: my sponsor told me I need to be more social, make more friends my own age, and go out with people more often.

I guess I could invite someone from a meeting out for coffee, but honestly even that scares me. What do we talk about?? Last time I went for coffee with a girl, we were out for 3 hours!! That was waaaaaay too much for me.

And as far as normies, I just don't enjoy doing what most of the women my age want to do: bars, hipster music scene, mommy clubs, I don't even know what else. I like reading, crafting, QUIET time, I walk most everyday--but alone, because I use the time for meditation or prayer; I like movies, shopping and going out to eat, but those aren't in the budget right now.

I worry that I'm making excuses here.

I really, really do not like too much social activity. Is that isolating? If I'm uncomfortable, unhappy and, as of yesterday, having anxiety attacks, is that just my old addictive behavior trying to keep me alone? Or am I recognizing that I'm an introvert and caring for myself by recharging my battery with quiet time? (That's what I thought I'd been doing!! And I was very happy with it!)

I appreciate any input. I know this seems like such a small thing, but I really value my sobriety, and honestly, after two anxiety attacks today just thinking about this extra socializing, I want to drink!!

melissa6381

Not all people like social contact. So be true to yourself and your needs. Maybe you could meet some people on other internet forums based on your interests like crafting just so you have some low pressure socialization to keep you feeling connected to the world while you recover.

Then when and if you're ever ready to reach out to people for coffee or whatever you can deal with that later on.

Don't let some one else's idea of happiness rule your life but don't push other people away out of fear. Find your balance.

Good luck!

hypochondriac

I don't see what the problem is if you're happy. I am in a similar situation myself, and too much socialising definitely makes me want to drink. And I am trying to figure out if it's healthy or not. I know people say isolating is bad but why? Okay if we are not doing things because we are scared then that isn't great but then if having alone time makes us feel good then what's wrong with that? I feel like I need that time alone to ground me. I am a sociable person really though, just not all the time. I see people at work every day and when I am out walking the dog... I think that's all the social contact I need really. Stay true to yourself x

Caldus

Hey foodie,

I identify so well with the introversion while in sobriety thing. I definitely value quiet/alone time but I also know it's unhealthy for me to do it for too long. I used to drink alone in my apartment every night so it's not good for me to stay inside for too long these days. It's scary, yeah, but we have to force ourselves to talk to people a little and get to know them. Otherwise, we will forever be stuck inside of our own world which is always bad for an alcoholic. We are selfish and self-centered to the extreme ... so to be stuck inside our world inches us closer to the drink.

Just start small. Maybe you could work with a newcomer from your meetings? Take them out to coffee. Maybe that would be much less intimidating for you then going out with a bunch of people from your home group. That's what I have been doing up until now. Recently, I'm making an effort to reach out to other members and trying to slowly get out of my world a bit. I think sitting inside and doing quiet things is only going to get me so far. I hope this helps!

paulokes

I am not a social animal animal and I have no desire/ intention to become one or pretend to be one. But yep, if I'm not careful I isolate and it wrecks my head. I do a lot of coffee and chat socializing today, I'm more comfortable in my own skin.

Spend time alone so that you can be comfortable with others. Spend time with others so you can be comfortable alone. I like that advice!

P

tomsteve

for me its all about motives.
i have a friend that told me about 5 years ago i was an introvert. he said it wasnt good and i needed to get out more.
welp, after finding out what it meant to be an inrovert, i was good with it. i dont need to get out and socialize all the time to be happy. heck, if i cant have happyness and serenity by myself, social events aint gonna help.
social events are exhaustive for me. its part of being an introvert.

sugarbear1

pray and meditate on this and your answers will come

have you worked through steps 4-7 yet?

kiki26

Foodie I totally relate. I shut myself off a lot while drinking, and now sober my ideal night is laying in bed reading or watching a movie. Talking to others and relating feels stressful and sober dont enjoy it. Maybe it's just finding the right people to form a relationship with? But if your sober and feeling healthy I would stress too much about it.

Hefner

If it ain't broke don't fix it. It's working for you and only you really know you.

foodie1

Thanks all, sage advice as always. I'm right in the middle of my 9th step, maybe I'm just a little over-emotional right now. I called my sponsor last night and told her "my truth" and she was totally understanding and respected what I was saying.

I really like the adage "if it ain't broke don't fix it" that's so true here. When i freaked out at the thought of more social activity it worried me that maybe I was reverting to the same isolating patterns as when I was drinking. I was having a hard time differentiating between my natural tendencies and self-sabotaging behavior.

Thanks again

oldsoul1122

Fellow introverts/loners do you have people who pick on you to change your lifestyle? A new neighbor across the street does that and actually said to me I'm an inspiration to him because he "doesn't want to end up like me." That really hurt. Oh, and I'm an INFJ. Yet again, another person to avoid. It's been this way my entire 65 yr. life!

Soberpotamus

OldSoul, I'm an INTJ and perfectly content to spend 90% of my time in solitude. I even have the urge to get away from my husband most days, lol. And he's a nice guy. It's just my personality, plus I was an only child. Some of us are just this way, it's hard-wired. I don't think it's deliberate isolation. I mean, in a way, yeah it is But it's not to hide or run from people... it's because we tend to live in our heads a lot. Which isn't the best place to live if you're an alcoholic.

I have noticed my tolerance for socializing has increased a bit, but I still need my down time afterward.

My husband gets his feelings hurt because I don't think to call him during the day. He is a phone chatter, and I'm just not at all I'm a talker if something needs to be said, usually. Now, get me on a specific subject I know about... and watch out!! Lol. I can talk for a while.

Soberpotamus

Yeah, all my life Mostly when I was younger though. Much younger. My entire family never understood my personality. That's an odd feeling.

biminiblue

This is an old thread, but I appreciate the topic.

I'm also an only child and I need a lot of time alone.

I don't see it as a handicap, though the prevailing thought in AA has it as such. Just like I don't understand people who can't be alone, they don't understand my stance. It's okay, I can live with that.

I've lived alone most of my adult life, and it suits me well. If it didn't, I wouldn't.

Soberwolf

I thought I was the only one !!!! Wow love this thread

zjw

yep i'm totally fine by myself. I dont have a burning desire to socialize. I dont see anything wrong with it. I guess in some cases people need to be pushed to get out of there shell a little bit but i cant see that as always being the case with an introverted person.

Bailey3

I'm a card carrying member of the introvert club. Have just a few friends and, don't need any more. I place quality over quantity. I find my alone time to be very precious to me and, I won't give it up.

ElleDee

Introvert here! I can totally relate to everything you said. I often drank so I could be more sociable. Do what feels natural to you. If you don't want to socialize and are happy in your own quiet time, then don't socialize. People exhaust me after very short periods of time. I end up walking away, going home... don't enjoy eating lunch with "the girls" in the office... all of it. How you feel is perfectly fine.

Gottalife

Recovery from alcoholism does not turn everyone into extroverts. There is nothing wrong with how you feel. I felt the same, and for quite a while it was difficult to develop a social life. For one thing I found small talk extremely superficial for at the time I was into deep and meaningful, not realising that I could bore the pants off people.

My sponsor used to encourage me to learn and practice with the small talk, and these days I am ok mixing with just about anyone. I suppose one problem I had was a lack of social skills. I learnt that stuff over time.

Being alone is not necessarily withdrawing. If we are like that in order to brood and stew over life and resentment etc, that's not so good. But consider one of the fifth step promises which you will have experienced " we can be alone at perfect peace and ease". For most of us the ability to do that is an absolute miracle.

tomsteve

can ya explain to this old, acronym illiterate fart what INTJ means?