Notices

Exception to the rule.

Old 12-27-2012, 06:37 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Admiral's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 360
Exception to the rule.

Four an a half months sober now, I quit drinking and smoking pot on August 7, 2012. This is by far the longest I have ever been sober for, but I've hit some really tough times.

It's the holidays, I just finished a very strong semester of school, I don't have work or any responsibilities right now, so why not drink? It's been so long since I quit that I don't really remember why I quit in the first place. I never hit rock bottom, never truly lost everything because of my drinking, I saw a bad thing happening and I stopped it before it had the chance to really take hold. That doesn't leave me with much to work with, all I can do is assure myself that I was worse off back then, and that it WILL get worse if I don't stay 100% clean now and forever.

What if I ruined a marriage? What if I lost a job due to drinking, what if I killed someone or ended up in jail? Those experiences would be a constant reminder, and thank god that none of that ever happened. And because those things never happened, I am left clean, I don't have any scars to remind me why I quit, I have nothing to hang on to to prevent me from falling back to the same old place again.

Pretty much the only thing keeping me sober is logic. I know I've been here a hundred times before, and every time I have woken up the next day and been baffled at how it happened again, and devastated, realizing that I am truly powerless over my life. I can't allow it to happen again, but the other side is pushing pretty damn hard on a regular basis.

Is there some kind of cycle to this? Something like a few months free, then a few months of tough cravings, then back again? I've heard people say that their using dreams follow patterns like that, and I'm wondering if it's the same for tough cravings.
Admiral is offline  
Old 12-27-2012, 06:40 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Recovered
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
Alcohol. Cunning, baffling, powerful.
mfanch is offline  
Old 12-27-2012, 06:46 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 210,937
hi Admiral

I went back and looked at your first post here...and it was amazingly similar to this one....so I guess what I wrote then still applies?

Originally Posted by me
As far as cravings go - I had to learn that abstinence is not the same as recovery for me -for me, to not want to drink or get high again, and be happy about that, I had to do a lot more than simply just not drink or smoke.
Cravings can be overcome - you know that already...

but what are you doing to build a life for yourself, a life you love and would fight to keep?

I think, for a lot of us - and certainly for me - real long term recovery means more than just not drinking or smoking weed.

as for the cyclic stuff - maybe this link will help if you haven't read it before:
PAWS « Digital Dharma

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 12-27-2012, 06:47 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Nice post. The addiction will try t convince you that you can have a few when you feel super good about sobriety.
Thepatman is offline  
Old 12-27-2012, 06:48 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
That's why I say my prayers and attend AA meetings regularly.

Left to my own devices I'm on thin ice. Yes, I'm just an arms-length away from a drunk, a divorce, a jail sentence .....

I wish you the best, Admiral.

Bob R
2granddaughters is offline  
Old 12-27-2012, 07:18 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
If logic is all you have to hang on to for now, then do that. Hang on for dear life because all the things you mentioned you hadn't done yet, are still out there to do. If you go to enough meetings, you'll hear people talk about never having lost this or that, or, you'll hear others talk about losing everything. Do you want to lose everything just to prove a point?

Yup...in the beginning I had times when I wondered what the heck I was thinking when I signed up for this writing an inventory and telling someone all about myself crap, but it's all worth it. I promise you there will come a time when drinking won't even seem logical because those promises in the Big Book will have come true by then and the drink problem will have been lifted from you. You just have to put in the time and give time a chance.
Music is offline  
Old 12-27-2012, 07:25 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
~sb
 
sugarbear1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,951
try getting a few years of sobriety together.....then look back at today.
sugarbear1 is offline  
Old 12-27-2012, 07:45 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Admiral's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 360
Thanks for the replies, truth be told I'm not going to the liquor store, I won't allow it to happen. It's been too long, I have too many months under my belt to throw it all away. I feel like a wall is being built in me, like I've been there and done that so many times that I just can't bring myself to go through it again, even if that voice screams that it's a good idea.

What am I doing to build a life worth fighting for? When has my life not been worth fighting for? I'm not one to make drastic changes, routine is in my nature, but I'm convinced that small changes will occur over the course of many years if I stick with it.
Admiral is offline  
Old 12-27-2012, 07:51 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 210,937
What am I doing to build a life worth fighting for? When has my life not been worth fighting for?
I never suggested there had to be that dichotomy....just sharing what worked for me

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 12-27-2012, 07:59 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
High on Life
 
TheEnd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Been to Hell and Back
Posts: 1,157
I haven't read any of your posts before so I'm not sure why you quit in the first place. You must have had some reason to quit, so just try and use that as a motivation. Try and figure out what you want out of sobriety. You sound like you're young and in college, so you have your whole future ahead of you. You can design it the way that you want it to be. All the things that haven't happened to you, could still happen to you or not, depending on what you choose. I have known people who were like you, just beginning their lives, but they made a stupid mistake and had to alter career aspirations. But I think you're going to need to get involved in something to keep yourself motivated other than fear of what could happen. After awhile you can rationalize your self through the "Maybe this could happen" scenarios.
TheEnd is offline  
Old 12-27-2012, 08:24 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
exauhsted's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: roller coaster, AL
Posts: 297
What if I ruined a marriage? What if I lost a job due to drinking, what if I killed someone or ended up in jail? Those experiences would be a constant reminder, and thank god that none of that ever happened. And because those things never happened, I am left clean, I don't have any scars to remind me why I quit, I have nothing to hang on to to prevent me from falling back to the same old place again.

Clean so far.. and yep that's what I tell myself.Hang on to YOU that's what we have...just US and what we may be able to do... if we just hang on..It will come I believe this with all my heart. We each and every one of us have to hang on for what we were meant to do what we will do for ourselves and then we can do for others. Therein lies our answer what we do for someone else.

You got this just put one foot in front of the other and go FORWARD!!!

(((HUGS)))
exauhsted is offline  
Old 12-27-2012, 08:38 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Southern Sky
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 26
This sounds familiar to me - these thought processes is part of why I've been finding it hard to stop drinking, or even to accept that I have a problem. Like you, on the one hand I understand my drinking is problematic on one level, and on the other hand, I'm not entirely convinced because to me, I don't think drinking has caused too many issues.

Then again, when I re-examine some of my behaviour while drinking, I realise that it has caused more issues than I realised. Perhaps if you reassessed your behaviour while drinking, you might discover the same. Sometimes I think we get some amnesia after a distance.
Corvus is offline  
Old 12-27-2012, 09:14 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Des Moines IA
Posts: 377
You earlier stayed sober a while and then drank, but now that you've stayed sober a while again and feel better thoughts of drinking are coming back and you're wondering if it's different.

Not in my opinion...it's classic.
hamabi is offline  
Old 12-28-2012, 07:06 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 249
Hey Admiral,

I have to admit that I've been having similar thoughts as you lately. I just got my performance review at work and I got another "excellent" rating despite thinking that I was on my way to losing my job due to drinking. It sort of invalidated my reason for quitting 4 months ago. I'm in AA and the first step is essentially to believe in my inner-most self that I'm an alcoholic (which I believe) and that my life has become unmanageable because of the drinking. I look back at my experiences with unmanageability in life and some of them could have led to worse consequences but they never did. So I'm left wondering just how bad off I really was. And with a great work review again, I'm left wondering what I am in this AA business for then? But it would have gotten worse if I kept drinking and today I would not know where I would be except that it would be worse than before. I'm sure it's the same case for you Admiral.

I understand what you are going through right now. Alcoholics like us just simply forget about the pain we went through and only think about the (very few) positive things that alcohol has offered us. For me, I have to think about: What about the hangovers every morning? What about the inability to care about or focus on anything at work daily? The inability to eat until the afternoon? What about the people you would hurt without intending to do so? The hundreds of dollars you spend every month just to support your addiction? The impending feeling of doom and gloom (remember that)?

I really don't want to have to go through all of this recovery again if I go back out (and we will have to, day by day), so I will take the easier path today and say no thanks to the drink -- just for today. Admiral, try to focus on all of those little negative things alcohol does to us (you quit for a reason, right?). And also, start taking action towards learning a new way of living life that will hopefully lift our obsession to drink and use. Action is important. Faith (or a philosophy) without taking actions that reflect it do not get us anywhere. AA has taught me that taking action (from the little things like making my bed and brushing my teeth to pursuing new interests in life and helping my fellow man) is much more important (and much less dangerous) than thinking my way through things. I hope that you will get over this hump and that you will continue to remain sober with us.
Caldus is offline  
Old 12-28-2012, 07:39 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
rPdopn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Columbia
Posts: 22
Everything you guys have said is ringing true, especially you Admiral and Caldus. I did not lose everything, but was so damn close I didn't even care. I just started planning on how my life would be without my wife, kids, house. I felt like I could continue drinking and overcome anything everyone was telling me I was on my way for: almost indestructible. It's only when my wife drove to treatment and told me "this or me" when it hit home. My grades started getting better, my relationship with my son was so great, and my wife and I are relating to each other on a level I thought didn't exist! I am with you, the down time between last semester and the next is getting harder each day, and the drinking dreams I am having are more and more realistic. Prayer is completely changing my previous faith from "eh, I'll go to church and show others around me I go," to "I have to leave it in your hands to guide me through this." Be strong, my prayers are with you.
rPdopn is offline  
Old 12-28-2012, 07:49 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Adventures In SpaceTime
 
RobbyRobot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Admiral View Post
Four an a half months sober now, I quit drinking and smoking pot on August 7, 2012. This is by far the longest I have ever been sober for, but I've hit some really tough times.

It's the holidays, I just finished a very strong semester of school, I don't have work or any responsibilities right now, so why not drink? It's been so long since I quit that I don't really remember why I quit in the first place.

...Is there some kind of cycle to this? Something like a few months free, then a few months of tough cravings, then back again?...
Awesome on your almost 5 months.

You don't remember? Honestly?
I simply don't believe that, unless it's you are more wanting to not remember. In that case, you're likely to keep struggling with relapses ongoing.

Tough cravings are not the problem here, you know? These can be managed, and you can successfully make your way thru all cravings, as you've already proven.

The problem, imo, is since you can stay sober, you're really wondering why your thinking about needing to ALWAYS stay sober, since you can probably quit again eventually. What reasons do you have for staying sober for all time? Not many, it appears, from what you're saying.

A life worth fighting for. Hmmm.

I like the ring of that. It has a meaningful ring to it, yeah?

I don't stay sober today because of consequences i and others entwined in my life would face and suffer. I stay sober today because I am free to choose who I am when staying sober. I love the responsibilities sobriety brings into my life. I love the relationships I have forged with people while I'm staying sober. I love being in the moment. That wonderful moment when all is right with myself and the world and the people in my world.

Yeah. My world. I'm free of being a slave to circumstances. I call the shots, and I take the hits when things go wrong. I also take partial credit for those times when things go right. Not full credit, because I did not get here on my own. I had help. And I still make use of that help each and every day.

I stay sober today because today is a great day to be sober! In fact, it's always a great day to be sober, lol.

I hope you too can soon experience the simple simplicity of being sober for it's own reward. Sobriety is an awesome life changing experience for this old drunk, lol.

RobbyRobot is offline  
Old 12-28-2012, 08:06 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
TTBABP's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Central New Jersey, USA
Posts: 1,345
Originally Posted by Admiral View Post
It's the holidays, I just finished a very strong semester of school, I don't have work or any responsibilities right now, so why not drink?
The advice by other posters here is much better than this but I also think you need to find something to do. If you are busy, a project, volunteering at something you won't have the time to drink.
TTBABP is offline  
Old 12-28-2012, 10:33 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Gauteng
Posts: 18
Alcohol managed to convince me too that I didn't have a problem. Even though i did go through some of the things that haven't happened to you. Even then a few months later I couldn't remember why I just couldn't have 2 or 3. It always progressed after that first one.

Well done on the sober time so far achieved, I am still a bit behind you.

Alcohol is definitely cunning and things will progress until those things, and worse probably, do eventually happen to us if we pick up another drink.

Keep strong.
samestories is offline  
Old 12-28-2012, 11:41 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
High on Life
 
TheEnd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Been to Hell and Back
Posts: 1,157
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot View Post

I don't stay sober today because of consequences i and others entwined in my life would face and suffer. I stay sober today because I am free to choose who I am when staying sober. I love the responsibilities sobriety brings into my life. I love the relationships I have forged with people while I'm staying sober. I love being in the moment. That wonderful moment when all is right with myself and the world and the people in my world.

Yeah. My world. I'm free of being a slave to circumstances. I call the shots, and I take the hits when things go wrong. I also take partial credit for those times when things go right. Not full credit, because I did not get here on my own. I had help. And I still make use of that help each and every day.

I stay sober today because today is a great day to be sober! In fact, it's always a great day to be sober, lol.

I hope you too can soon experience the simple simplicity of being sober for it's own reward. Sobriety is an awesome life changing experience for this old drunk, lol.

That's an awesome answer and I think it makes a lot of sense. When I first quit, it was to escape and prevent negative consequences. However, since then, I have grown to love sobriety. It's an awesome feeling to wake up clear headed every morning and feel so so envigorated. Sobriety Rocks!!!
TheEnd is offline  
Old 12-28-2012, 01:12 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Trudger of Happy Destiny
 
Fernaceman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Naperville, IL
Posts: 1,918
"MOST OF us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."
Fernaceman is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:14 AM.