Tired of the split personalities
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 758
Tired of the split personalities
I haven't posted much since I have been back, but I'm just getting to the point where I need to do something.
Some of you guys I'm sure remember me from the past year or two...and I came back a few months ago after an extended sobriety. Now I have been back and forth with drinking for a few months, then sober for a few days, then back & forth...and it SUCKS.
I've been back and forth here not just with drinking and sober days, but with the way I feel. I dunno if anyone else feels this way, I know we all share a certain bond, but these past few months, I almost feel like I have a split personality. Like one week I am so sober and feel so strong, and I swear the new minute/week, I'm taking $10 from something I shouldn't, and buying a fifth of vodka with it. And now when I do it....it's not just a fifth, but a "drinking night" as I call it, usually is two fifths over about 8-9 hours, and there's less than a sip or two left in the last one after that. Use too I could handle that, but the past 9 months I went on a diet and have lost 155lbs since Feb (went from 397 to 242lbs..I'm 6'6") now and when I drink two fifths now, I am a total black out drunk. I don't remember much now when I drink that much. I think it has to do with my body mass.
Not sure why I am posting this tonight. I have been here for years, posted tons, and am on a completely sober night tonight lol (maybe that's why). But I could use a little guidance now because I swear, I really don't know how much longer I can keep this life style up. It's really wearing me down.
Steve
Some of you guys I'm sure remember me from the past year or two...and I came back a few months ago after an extended sobriety. Now I have been back and forth with drinking for a few months, then sober for a few days, then back & forth...and it SUCKS.
I've been back and forth here not just with drinking and sober days, but with the way I feel. I dunno if anyone else feels this way, I know we all share a certain bond, but these past few months, I almost feel like I have a split personality. Like one week I am so sober and feel so strong, and I swear the new minute/week, I'm taking $10 from something I shouldn't, and buying a fifth of vodka with it. And now when I do it....it's not just a fifth, but a "drinking night" as I call it, usually is two fifths over about 8-9 hours, and there's less than a sip or two left in the last one after that. Use too I could handle that, but the past 9 months I went on a diet and have lost 155lbs since Feb (went from 397 to 242lbs..I'm 6'6") now and when I drink two fifths now, I am a total black out drunk. I don't remember much now when I drink that much. I think it has to do with my body mass.
Not sure why I am posting this tonight. I have been here for years, posted tons, and am on a completely sober night tonight lol (maybe that's why). But I could use a little guidance now because I swear, I really don't know how much longer I can keep this life style up. It's really wearing me down.
Steve
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,383
I battled for a lot of years too Steve.
In the end I decided I was capable of a lot more - I'd wasted a lot of years...I was sick of not being about to look myself in the eyes in the mirror.
It took some work...and it meant a lot of changes...but it bought me a lot of peace and a ton of self respect....I don't regret it.
I know you're a good guy Steve - you have a ton of potential...
don't be afraid to be different.
D
In the end I decided I was capable of a lot more - I'd wasted a lot of years...I was sick of not being about to look myself in the eyes in the mirror.
It took some work...and it meant a lot of changes...but it bought me a lot of peace and a ton of self respect....I don't regret it.
I know you're a good guy Steve - you have a ton of potential...
don't be afraid to be different.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 758
Thanks Dee. I dunno bud, it's just really getting hard lately. I'm to the point where I know what to do, I just find myself not doing it though.
I'm really to the point where I do not at all look forward to drinking like I use too. Now I know that I will feel like crap for 2 days after, and I hate even thinking about it.I NEVER drank in the mornings, even when I drank a fifth or more like now. But now after a night of two fifths, if I don't drink at least 3-4 shots when I wake up then I don't/can't even get out of bed all day.
Tonight I haven't drank since Monday so I feel "okay" yet I know for a fact I wont get past Saturday without downing at least two fifths. I am really just getting tired of feeling like this, but honestly, I am getting to the point of not knowing how to feel (socially) without drinking. I feel okay all alone, but let a friend call or come over, and my first thought is drinking.
Steve
I'm really to the point where I do not at all look forward to drinking like I use too. Now I know that I will feel like crap for 2 days after, and I hate even thinking about it.I NEVER drank in the mornings, even when I drank a fifth or more like now. But now after a night of two fifths, if I don't drink at least 3-4 shots when I wake up then I don't/can't even get out of bed all day.
Tonight I haven't drank since Monday so I feel "okay" yet I know for a fact I wont get past Saturday without downing at least two fifths. I am really just getting tired of feeling like this, but honestly, I am getting to the point of not knowing how to feel (socially) without drinking. I feel okay all alone, but let a friend call or come over, and my first thought is drinking.
Steve
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, DayWalker.
I believe, may of us who suffer from addiction feel like two different personalities when sober and when drinking. And that's embarassing, because one day you can do just great, and then next day you are rushing to a supermarket for a bottle of wine (that was my drink of choice). And that really wears out and drives crazy.
I can't tell for sure what's working for me by far (Day 33 here). Maybe I just accepted that it's a real war, and every day is a battle with that other personality. And as in every war I should plan ahead and deploy my forces to be ready when the enemy approaches.
Just wanted to tell that I know how it feels. Keep your faith and fight by any means necessary.
Take care/
I believe, may of us who suffer from addiction feel like two different personalities when sober and when drinking. And that's embarassing, because one day you can do just great, and then next day you are rushing to a supermarket for a bottle of wine (that was my drink of choice). And that really wears out and drives crazy.
I can't tell for sure what's working for me by far (Day 33 here). Maybe I just accepted that it's a real war, and every day is a battle with that other personality. And as in every war I should plan ahead and deploy my forces to be ready when the enemy approaches.
Just wanted to tell that I know how it feels. Keep your faith and fight by any means necessary.
Take care/
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,383
That apathy is your addiction Steve.
If you don't make changes, nothing will change...unless it gets worse.
Your addiction likes nothing better than for you to do nothing.
No change means it wins.
You can be the leaf being carried along in the current down the drain, or you can stand up and get out of the gutter.
you know the story of the 2 wolves?
you have to decide which one to feed, Steve
D
If you don't make changes, nothing will change...unless it gets worse.
Your addiction likes nothing better than for you to do nothing.
No change means it wins.
You can be the leaf being carried along in the current down the drain, or you can stand up and get out of the gutter.
you know the story of the 2 wolves?
A Cherokee Legend
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
D
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
Exactly what D said - that ambivalence, that vagueness and apathy are ways that your alcoholism keeps you onside. I went through that too - I knew that my drinking was going to kill me, that it was getting worse, that I didn't want to do it anymore, but some how I still sat on the fence about it. It was letting go and surrendering that frightened me, because without the one thing I knew and love (booze), what would I become? Better, was the answer.
You don't have to have the split personality. That duality is conflict that you don't need and that feeds the addiction. Get on the right side of the fence
You don't have to have the split personality. That duality is conflict that you don't need and that feeds the addiction. Get on the right side of the fence
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Daywalker, I believe that everyone who struggles with addiction is of two minds. In turns, we say I gotta stop this, and then turn around and deny the facts and feed the addiction just 'one more time'. Dee's parable is a good one and describes this internal conflict well.
One way of become able to stop feeding that bad wolf is to be able to recognize it when we see it. It is not a trivial exercise, because that recognition usually comes when it is too late, and we see it with the benefit of hindsight. It's another hungover morning and the dialogue begins, 'How the heck did that happen again? It's almost like I wasn't aware of what I was doing'.
Becoming aware of our addictive urge and learning how to deal with it successfully is what Addictive Voice Recognition Technique is about. It is nothing magic or miraculous, it's just a tool and it may be what you need, DayWalker. Lots of info on the web about AVRT is waiting for you, and you can pop over to the Secular Connections forum for an active discussion. Hope you find what you need.
One way of become able to stop feeding that bad wolf is to be able to recognize it when we see it. It is not a trivial exercise, because that recognition usually comes when it is too late, and we see it with the benefit of hindsight. It's another hungover morning and the dialogue begins, 'How the heck did that happen again? It's almost like I wasn't aware of what I was doing'.
Becoming aware of our addictive urge and learning how to deal with it successfully is what Addictive Voice Recognition Technique is about. It is nothing magic or miraculous, it's just a tool and it may be what you need, DayWalker. Lots of info on the web about AVRT is waiting for you, and you can pop over to the Secular Connections forum for an active discussion. Hope you find what you need.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
I really feel for you. I remember what you are experiencing and it was such agony. Things didn't get better for me until I completely stopped. Even when I was in an abstinate period, I wasted too much headspace thinking about drinking. It was exhausting. I hope you find somethig that will get you sober and happy to be that way.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 16
Steve, I agree with freshstart. I definitely identified with the dual personality thing, AVRT really resonates with that idea. It makes more sense to me than anything else I've tried. Give it a try! Best of luck... Hang in there
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 758
Thanks all that replied. I've stayed away from it tonight. 3:30am and can't sleep at all, but at least I'm not drinking. I'm not familiar with AVRT but I just googled it and found the website for it and am reading a bit of the description on the site right now. Seems pretty interesting and a logical approach so far. I'll read up more on it.
Steve
Steve
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
In the end the torment and the struggle wore me down. it was out of my hands and I was beat, but still couldn't stop. I now know I needed to go there in order to surrender.
Embracing sobriety unconditionally (come what may) can be adventure. It's new.
Embracing sobriety unconditionally (come what may) can be adventure. It's new.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
I honestly can't tell you how it is I managed to stop. Like you talk about (knowing it's wrong and doing it anyway). I did that for a big part of my life.
You talk about drinking in the morning,and you didn't used to. Sounds like you might have stepped up to the next level,and I think that is something that I thought long and hard about right before I quit for good.
My ride home from work was 35 to 40 minutes,and I was drinking at least 8 beers on the ride home. Thats over a beer every 5 minutes. I'm not sure just when I moved up to 8 beers on the ride home,but I can remember a time it was around 3. I had realized I had progressed to a point I thought was really ridiculous,and I think that has something to do with me stopping. I went most of my life knowing what I was doing was wrong,but at a point right before I quit I think I realized I went over the point I could live with. If that makes any sense. And I think I was so tired of living like that I finally put together the will to quit for good. But quitting and getting the monkey off of my back is still one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.
All I can say is JUST DO IT
Fred
You talk about drinking in the morning,and you didn't used to. Sounds like you might have stepped up to the next level,and I think that is something that I thought long and hard about right before I quit for good.
My ride home from work was 35 to 40 minutes,and I was drinking at least 8 beers on the ride home. Thats over a beer every 5 minutes. I'm not sure just when I moved up to 8 beers on the ride home,but I can remember a time it was around 3. I had realized I had progressed to a point I thought was really ridiculous,and I think that has something to do with me stopping. I went most of my life knowing what I was doing was wrong,but at a point right before I quit I think I realized I went over the point I could live with. If that makes any sense. And I think I was so tired of living like that I finally put together the will to quit for good. But quitting and getting the monkey off of my back is still one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.
All I can say is JUST DO IT
Fred
Galatians 5:13
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Tampa Bay
Posts: 329
I felt the exact same way, but my splits always happened on the same day; sobriety lasted hours, not days. I wrote about my two competing minds and how I overcame them here on SR... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-have-me.html
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Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 758
I just wanted to post a brief update and say thank you to whomever it was (I think I few of you mentioned it) but to those that mentioned this AVRT.
I say that because I honestly was not familiar at all with AVRT. I have a good deal of experience in and out of AA rooms as well as IOP's (outpatient rehab) and I have gotten some good things out of those programs, but after reading up quite thoroughly on AVRT I really feel like it has given me a very new perspective on my problem and a way to deal with overcoming it by viewing it from quite a different standpoint.
I found it really amazing that I had no idea what AVRT was until I read about it because the thing that struck me was just how much I was describing my feelings of "split personalities" and how much that is so linear with what AVRT actually seems to be.
I don't know exactly where this is going to lead me, but I can say that I have been having much more success in getting past those tough times lately when that voice tells me "Drink...drink" and I've now got a good week of not drinking under my belt. Which is the first time in a good while now that I have had a week sober and it has really helped to clear the fog from my head where I am able to actually think clearly again.
Steve
I say that because I honestly was not familiar at all with AVRT. I have a good deal of experience in and out of AA rooms as well as IOP's (outpatient rehab) and I have gotten some good things out of those programs, but after reading up quite thoroughly on AVRT I really feel like it has given me a very new perspective on my problem and a way to deal with overcoming it by viewing it from quite a different standpoint.
I found it really amazing that I had no idea what AVRT was until I read about it because the thing that struck me was just how much I was describing my feelings of "split personalities" and how much that is so linear with what AVRT actually seems to be.
I don't know exactly where this is going to lead me, but I can say that I have been having much more success in getting past those tough times lately when that voice tells me "Drink...drink" and I've now got a good week of not drinking under my belt. Which is the first time in a good while now that I have had a week sober and it has really helped to clear the fog from my head where I am able to actually think clearly again.
Steve
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
That is great news, DayWalker. A new sobriety record for you is a big deal, so congratulations to you.
There are a couple of threads on the Secular forum that will interest you. There is this ongoing discussion of AVRT with over 2500 posts. Addictive Voice Recognition Technique Discussion
Here is a short form introduction to AVRT, with one post. AVRT Explained
There are a couple of threads on the Secular forum that will interest you. There is this ongoing discussion of AVRT with over 2500 posts. Addictive Voice Recognition Technique Discussion
Here is a short form introduction to AVRT, with one post. AVRT Explained
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Lowcountry
Posts: 2,762
It's great news you're thinking is clearing up !!
I have had wonderful results going to AA years ago.
Learning about AVRT here at SR was a real eye-opener; ......as it's thread has grown from the early days.
It helped me to see addiction; ...and recovery framed a little differently.
When I first read your "split personality" title last week; .....all I could think of was AVRT.
AV perfectly decribed.
Hang in there.
I have had wonderful results going to AA years ago.
Learning about AVRT here at SR was a real eye-opener; ......as it's thread has grown from the early days.
It helped me to see addiction; ...and recovery framed a little differently.
When I first read your "split personality" title last week; .....all I could think of was AVRT.
AV perfectly decribed.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 16
So glad you looked into it! Based on what you've posted I think it will help make sense of how you're feeling. If you haven't yet, I suggest purchasing the book "Rational Recovery." I could not put it down. Glad to hear you're making progress!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 758
Originally Posted by Lily983 
If you haven't yet, I suggest purchasing the book "Rational Recovery." I could not put it down. Glad to hear you're making progress!
Don't think I have heard of that book but I will certainly google it and see what I can find and pick it up. Still doing really good today, been getting ready for family/Thanksgiving and actually decided to make good on a promise to my 68 yr old Mother. I started remodeling her bathroom over a year ago and had it all torn apart and the sink has been out for the longest time (year or more). So this evening I spent about 3 hours putting in her new sink/faucet/vanity cabinet and all for her.
I had promised her months ago that I would have it in there for her before the holidays, so I decided today I had to keep my promise and I made it with a couple hours to spare
She was ecstatic though so that's all that matters. Plus it really felt good to keep my word and be able to do something productive because I was not drinking, rather than sitting in the dark alone drinking or being hung over. The beast's chain is getting shorter by the day!
Steve
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