zany90

Half way through step 4 i felt sick, and this wasnt to do with myself but to do with matters happening in my childhood. i then realised i havent done step 3 properly, i have a really hard time "letting go" because zany wants what zany wants and without realising i pray for what zany wants, sometimes i realise what im doing and pray to dissemble my ego and let me live gods will, but then the ego takes over and says "is gods will havin u sittin here on ur own not knowing what to do with urself feeling lonely", so i pray " please give me the knowledge to know what to do to carry out your will", read eckhart tolle books..

im at step 3 and thats the hard one... they say if u do step 3 properly step 4 wont matter but im talking about abuse as a child and adoption/abandonment etc in my step 4 and i made it half way thru after 6 weeks sober and felt sick, and any alcoholic knows what i mean by sick - i drank. step 3 is the hardest

sugarbear1

I hear ya, zany! Pray for the strength to get through step 4. What's bothering you today? I feel you are taking on a bit more than you need to, though. You were a victim, not the perpetrator in these things.....you don't have to be a victim today and you don't have to manipulate today.... just saying. I hope you get through those steps, man, you deserve to! Those steps can be powerful and empowering for you.

I wish you well.

Love & hugs,

zany90

theres a fine line between victimisation and extreme resentment, hate (by definition, dislike enough to kill)...

these things to me are psychological .. i understand there are psychological triggers to my addiction, yet when i stop, theres a void, a vaccum, not to mention a physical craving... i resent people in aa saying they had a good day sober because they went golfing, not that im interested in golf, but that ive never known a single thing except "going out" to drink. its like "good for you sham, but i have no idea WHAT TO DO when i stop", so i go back. i know what the head reasons are but it doesnt fix the sociology of my addiction one bit... the cravings could be easily stopped if i had a social network that didnt talk about addiction to alcohol all the time, to be honest a girlfriend, to do normal things with, i could cope with cravings... but on my own, contemplating and mulling over... i feel like im away with it ya know.. my own mother i cant talk to her because i hold such a resentment towards her that every time i talk to her im ready to kil someone and such i drink, no "lets go for a meal" happening there! .. friends? sure theyre all alcoholic in my eyes anyway?

i want out of this rabbit hole?

zany90

being "pissed" or drunk and doing things like social golfing, and numerous other social events, is easier to recover from alcoholism because remove the alcohol, you still have the sociability

me: there was no sociability except alchol related events, and now those are gone. the alcohol now only serves as a void filer for whats missing, and i know what i want but no confidence to do get or say it because its alien to me... im that kinda alkie? ya know ? sorry i need to get this out its SAD but this is the life of a 25 year old alcoholic in ireland

Mark75

It's not impossible, you can find you way into a better life, doing things with others that don't center around alcohol... but you gotta start somewhere, get out there, out of your comfort zone, make it happen.

zany90

Was thrown out of house and had crisis response teams called on me for being in posession of a glock 17c.. i dont care who knows what that is but i do... but my head knew, all my drinking and even the posession of that, the fact i made it noticible was to make people stand up and ******* RECOGNISE... but all i get is "you wernt blameless".. AA's letting go of resentments is HARD

zany90

thats what they mean about the "totally insane clean mad alcoholic" i guess.. but before anyone suggests i was to blame, we are talking about years of domestic abuse, after adoption into a disfunctional family, i found alcohol.. that was another way to make them "see" .. fk sake say "sorry".. but no... nothing... i dunno my time on this board probably expired now, but i have no outstanding convictions so im not worried about what i just posted

katan

I tried campral. It says it is not effective if you are still drinking...and since i was still drinking i found it totally useless.

saltysailor

I just read the posting by zany90 posted in Aug. 2012 in which he explains the use of naltrexone and its ability to change behavior because it blocks receptors which give us a positive response to alcohol. I only just discovered the topic of Naltrexone by reading an interview about the subject. So my question is this, it just seems to be too good to be true that taking a tablet could allow a sober alcoholic to go have a glass or two of wine with a meal and not have a relapse. I am very interested in this topic beause like all alcohol abusers I would like to think that someday i could drink like a "normal person". I have now been sober (this time) for 9 years and do not crave alcohol but would love a glass of wine with dinner. Is it possible that I could do this and not relapse by taking naltrexone? Anybody... Thanks.

Dee74

Welcome saltysailor

I have no doubt it wouldn't be possible for me.

I have no experience with naltrexone, but even if it did work, I know sooner or later I'd be looking at ways to buck the system and have more than that one glass...

addiction was more than just physical for me...I don't believe any pill can make me a 'normal drinker'....

I'm curious - you've been sober for 9 years - what do you think you're missing with that one glass of wine?

D

saltysailor

What I miss is the actual enjoyment of the taste of the wine with a meal. I traveled all over the world in my work and drank many different types of wines and just enjoy it. Because I am sober does not mean that there are some things that I do miss. I admit that I do not miss being sick a lot or doing incredibly stupid things or any host of other issues but I do still wish that I could have wine with a meal or even an occasional drink at a gathering or in other certain social situations. I do not because I know that everytime that I have broken my sobriety I return right back to the totally dependent person that alcohol turns me into.

Dee74

I wasn't suggesting there are not somethings you might miss - I was just genuinely curious

I never drank for the taste, I'm afraid, so this is out of my experience...I find I enjoy food more tho with a clean palate

D

saltysailor

Actually I did drink a lot of things for the flavor, certain liqueurs, wines, even beers. As I said, I traveled the world over and had the opportunity to partake of many, many, too many alcoholic beverages. At some point the flavor was lost in the effects of the alcohol and I became an alcoholic and it almost killed me, literally. Funny after that experience you would think that I would be happy to be alive and not wish to experiment with any of the stuff again but here I am trying to find a way to cheat the devil and find a way to go to someplace like Italy and take a tour of the vineyards and sample the goods. I have just ordered the book, "A Cure for Alcoholism", the Sinclair Method and wish to study the findings and trials with Naltrexone.

Twinco

Don't throw away 9 years. The devil cannot be cheated.