The Relentless Alcoholic Mind
 

Like a stray Dog waiting for some scraps it just keeps staring at me hoping I will give in and share what's left of my lunch. After about day 20 the major daily cravings go away but what is always left is that Dog. Staring and drooling, whimpering, wagging a little, but never giving up. Most days I finally give in and share the last few bites. Lately though, I just get up and walk away too tired of paying attention to it to care. It still comes though and begs, it never gives up.

The Alcoholic mind is always scheming, trying to think two steps ahead. Trying to plan attack when you are at your weakest.

My Wife is going away for 10 days at the end of August and I am already planning ways to distract myself from the onslaught of whimpering I will surely get. I have already had some begging start yesterday, you know, the usual stuff.

"You can drink those couple days, no biggie. Just a few, you'll get the nice ones that you like." "Suck em down while you are messing around with software" "Just like old times"

What I do remember though is the last time I tried to do this I couldn't concentrate anymore. I can do mindless stuff like play a slasher game like Diablo or Nox but edit software? Use really complicated music programs? No way. I sat there staring at the screen sort of befuddled and I became annoyed. So I shut it off and played Diablo.

At that moment I did really feel hopeless but I quickly drank it away and then went to sleep.

I just have to keep listening to the voice keeping me sober. Occupy myself with whatever I can. I have to be honest regarding those ten days.

I am scared...

That's why I attend AA meetings regularly. It feeds my AA dog.

When the dogfight breaks out in my head, the dog I feed the most wins.

All the best.

Bob R

I really liked how you described that , I can relate 100%. Best wishes , stay strong.

Relate? Me also. My wife went for a cottage week with old girlfriends, leaving me alone here with only minimal supervision from my daughter. I did hear my AV a couple of times, once in particular after a GRARRRRR day at work, but held fast without much of a problem. I simply did what you do, focused my attention on it instead of fighting it and getting worked up over it, and it slunk away behind the bushes.

Contrast to last year, similar situation with the discretionary time. Blotto from morn til night, nearly a fifth every day. My darkest days were last summer before I finally stopped this nonsense.

I just pull out the memories from last year, those that I can still find, and that helps me keep my perspective. As for the end of August, SudzNoMore, there is always SR!

At 14 months my 'alcoholic mind' barely raises an eyebrow from it's resting in the corner. If there's ever any more than that I can just stop give him 'that look' and he's back down.

I think there is freedom from the 'obsession' but it takes time and surrender.

To me surrender meant accepting the thoughts (ideas, and subjective experiences that promote use) but not engaging with them, but not be fearing, despairing or getting angry with them either. I sum it up by now thinking of it as 'not engaging with the struggle' but it also means 'do not fight pain, the suffering will pass'.

I was about 8 months sober when my wife told me she wanted to see her son up at Swarthmore College one upcoming weekend. The very first thought through my head was, "I can drink."

That worried me, as I thought at 8 months my recovery was strong. Posted my concerns here and when that weekend arrived I found my worries unfounded. I could "think" about drinking without acting on the thought. My recovery only got stronger.

Stay strong yourself, sudz.

An old Cherokee chief was teaching his grandson about life...

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

"One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.

"The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

"This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
"Which wolf will win?"

The old chief simply replied,
"The one you feed."

Great story! It completely embodies the feeling I was trying to express.

I can remember that type of fear. Its funny that this came up. My wife is in Florida this week and I can remember a time when it would have scared the crap out of me to be alone. Thanks to AA, I am recovered now and am free of that fear. Completely at ease by myself. A real blessing. Hope you do alright. You have sober people to hang with? A recovery program? Worst place for a drunk to be is alone in their own head if you ask me.

dont feel alone. i have them too. the longer i have been sober and the more i work on me, the less i feed the evil one and th emore i feed the good one.

Ah yes, I remember those times... Wife being away in Cuba, me on a business trip etc., there could always be a reason to get drunk, thinking nobody would know... Problem was, I WOULD KNOW, and the guilt, shame of the next morning often scared me enough not to let the "bad wolf" win.... That's no longer the case, at almost 1.5 years sober....

Stay strong man.

The wolf, dog, voice...its all an inside job. The wolf has no power until you give it power. And you can render the wolf powerless if you will. Stopping the thought or wolf by disengaging from harmful future drinking thoughts. After all addiction resides in the mind. One can learn to control there mind or allow others to use mind control. It seems to work both ways. I like to TCB on my own when my mind is involved.

I can completely relate except I call my AV the pushy salesman. Glad you hung in there